four year old, severe language delay, bad tantrums. I cannot take it anymore!

[adrianna22]

My DS, who's four, has a severe language delay, plus has an autism diagnosis, which is still being debated about.

He has these bad tantrums, simply because he does not get what he wants.

Like today, we walked past the park and he pointed to play on some car driving toy. I told him "..not today as we are in a hurry..". He then tried to take me to that direction, but I still held firm and before I knew it..that annoying high pitched crying voice started. He cried, carefully positioned himself on the floor and then began to kick his legs in the air, wailing. People looking at me, wondering if I'm abusing him in any way. The way he cries is terrible, like the earth has ended, he has this bad high-pitched crying voice, which you can hear from the other side of the road.

When we got home, he started to cry again as I was ignoring him and he literally pulled my eyes towards his and cry till I give him a big or something.

He is literally like this every time he does not get what he wants. I just don't get it. I thought it must be some routine issue, because of the autism. But then I realised that it can't be as he does not get upset by routine changes and surely, is it a routine problem if a child does not get what he/she wants?

He would cry in the supermarket if I do not buy him treats, he would cry in the toy store if I don't buy that special toy, he would cry if I do not take him nandos as he loves the kids meal. It's like every time I treat him to the things he loves the most, he expects to have it every time we go there. Plus the way he reacts is not subtle, it's really really bad.

I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I cannot take him out anywhere, simply because if he spots that favourite shop that sell those yummy ice-creams he would cry. I should be able to enjoy outings with my DS, but I feel like I can't. What can I do? Is my DS spoilt? is it my fault? Why is he behaving like this?

So could it be learning about delayed gratification?

It could also be that in some way these treats have significant meaning to him and make him feel good about himself and how he relates to you/you to him.

Does he take turns at nursery, and wait his turn for something he wants (e.g. the cars) and share?

Thanks MrsWinni and Yegods for replying. He can take turns, but again this area is still delayed, he knows he has to wait when with a child or an unfamiliar adult, but with me it is different. He has no other symptoms for autism, i.e. obsessions, righty lack of friends etc. It's just that his social and communication skills are delayed.

What is delayed gratification?

Yes his reasoning his delayed. His language and attentions skills are very delayed. He only says about 10 words, but says three words clearly.

He could have a social communication disorder which isn't the same as Autism or asd.

Delayed gratification is the skill of valuing the delay of one good (a treat) for a greater good (a treat and a happy mummy [sic]). Saying no to impulses for a greater gain down the road.

Thinking about it, it's more a case that he isn't accepting your limits. As though he expects you to be so close you know his wishes.(I can remember that with DD1!) Yet it doesn't feel like it because respecting boundaries is part of how family members love one another.

It is a 2 way thing. Respecting his 'no' at appropriate times and giving him choices helps develop empathy and respect for you (eventually).

With my DD it was a control issue. Even back then there were signs she struggled to control her thoughts. (MH troubles emerged in puberty). Giving her choices wasn't as helpful as respecting her no and helping her develop a good vocabulary to explain her feelings (hungry, tired, sad, thirsty, bored, excited, looking forward/expectant, needing loo, lonely, afraid, angry etc...)

Has his hearing been thoroughly tested OP? I'm sorry if that's an obvious question - I only ask as he sounds quite similar to my youngest at that age - it turned out he had moderate hearing loss.

@upandatem, I understand now. But he seems weary or embarrassed of other people watching him while he throws a tantrum.

Just in case it helps, I found when my daughter was going through the terrible twos that when I stopped internally panicking about it, she started to calm down. Everybody was saying that I should slap her and that none of their children had been like that until a neighbour said she was just like her son. Suddenly the pressure off, I didn't feel so bad and she calmed down.

The other thing I have noticed with my own daughter and other people's children is that they often tantrum when they are stressed or upset about something else. Like the idea of starting school, for example.

Have you looked into applied behaviour analysis?

I'm no expert so cannot answer the specific/collective question - I'm not sure, but the things you mention about play, I'm pretty sure are imagination not social imagination - social imagination as I understand it means being able to imagine that other people have different thoughts to you or that a situation can have many possible outcomes. I have no idea if this rings true but it seems like your DS is struggling with the idea that the outcome of the situation is different to the way he's planned it in his head and he cannot handle that. I have no idea how you handle the situation (apart from as I say with cuddles and empathy) because I have trouble with it too, but the SNs board has really helped answer lots of questions for me like this, it's really worth heading over there

Hi, I know this post is nearly 10 years old. Have things improved now? Many thanks