Need help getting 5.8 year old DS to school

[Babieseverywhere]

I have four children, three are very well behaved and my 5.8 year oldDS doesn't want to go to school.

I leave breakfast out for the children and when I stand over him, he will get dressed slowly.

The problem is in sections..

1. Getting him out of the house as he hides and/or drops to the floor
2. Getting him walking once outside...we vary between slower than a slug or running out of sight. (He has no sense of danger and needs to be controlled near the road)
3. Once in the playground I need to get him into the building. Without dragging him by his armpits.

Please note. I can not use reins, as he drops to the floor and refuses to walk. I can at a pinch put him into the double pram but he understandably shouts louder and gets more upset.

School say there is no problem in school and he is well behaved once in school.

All suggestions welcome, to make the journey less hellish.

Good lord OP I feel for you. I am afraid I have no advice though. You don't sound like a bad mum or like you have bad parenting skills to me... I would hope that that woman is actually wrong.

How was the afternoon run?

Hope you had a better school run. How much exercise does he do? I know with 4 kids it's hard but I would take him to activities after school - gym, swimming, karate etc... You need to break the cycle of him going on you tube after school. I have a 5 year old also obsessed with you tube and his behaviour at school was getting worse. He is only allowed 30mins a day, some days he isn't going on it at all.

Also that just may not be the right school for you child.

Came our of school happy :). Yet tomorrow he will be upset again

Glad you've had some success today. I've read this thread (and some of your others) with interest because your DS sounds like my DS. Mine is only just 4, but I recognise the transition issue and the social issues and the youtube focus. I took DS to an ed psych last week as he has quite a few different issues and we were concerned about ASD (long waiting list, community paed brushing us off etc.). This ed psych suggested asynchronous development - that DS has the behaviours of ASD without the difficulties of ASD (e.g. he does have theory of mind). While he's quite far ahead with numbers, his emotional and social skills are lacking. He also seems to be very bright - which links to your son's abilities. Maybe he is rather bored in school - especially if, as you say, the school don't know the extent of his abilities. Lots of people on mumsnet seem to suggest potential plus as an organisation with experience of bright children. Might be worth having a look at their website or contacting them for suggestions. Anyway, suggestions made to us for getting dressed etc. in the morning echo those already on this board - visual timelines (or just writing if he can read) and lots of positive rewards. Our main behavioural tool at the moment is 'distract, distract, distract.' Could it be that's why your school run went well this morning - as you met another mother and the focus wasn't totally on DS? How might you replicate that in the future? I'm guessing you've tried scooting to school? Good luck - take it day by day and remember to reward yourself for extreme patience in trying circumstances!

For what its worth, I think you are an excellent mum. I used to be an area SENco giving advice out to parents like yourself so I've seen a few! The only extra I would say on top of the advice you have already had is not to give in! If you say no computer then it has to be no computer. If you don't stick to your guns he will get worse not better. He will improve as he gets older although it might not feel like it just now but you have to be firm and consistent through this difficult time. I agree there seem to be some additional needs although fairly mild and it must be incredibly frustrating to be constantly told it is your fault. It isn't!

Right. Used a five point visual scale to gauge emotion and have found the following.

Not happy at lunchtime, carpet time, lining up, going to bathroom, reading, spelling.

He really hates assemblys, PE lessons And Maths Lessons.

Interesting he marked getting out if the house in morning and walking to school. Repeated that he was green with me. So if he understands the scale properly, being upset with me is better than school ? Or he didn't understand the scale. Might re ask him tomorrow in the moment as such.

It angers me that experts have been calling this bad behaviour. Sounds like your son does have anxiety issues that cause him to act in this way.

Pathological Demand Avoidance is worth a search . Not saying that he has that but maybe strategies used to help children who avoid demands due to high anxiety might be helpful to you.

My DD is rather obsessive in nature and a lot of her "behaviours" are a manifestation of her anxiety.

What is your DS like at home on non school days. My DD is fine at school but I still have to dress her most mornings.

I don't think he fits PDA. He is not comfortable social, has no language delay and does not role play or pretend games.

I am going to concentrate on being tough and using this emotion scale...as it is ace getting something more from him, than him simply agreeing with us, regardless of how he really feels.

I just suggested PDA as you said your DS was assessed by someone for ASD and they said he was too chatty for that.

I do think trying to get to bottom of his anxieties about school is good and get a 1:1 with the class teacher, find out who his friends actually are- invite them over perhaps.

No, to everything on that list.

We are well bonded, though he seems to treat me more as a familar piece of furniture than his mother at times, I feel he loves me. I certainly help to calm him down.

He sounds like my DD know 8. Flags started when she was 2, she has on going toiletting problems which we have been seeing a pedatrician for for four years but every time I brought up the issue of her behaviour it was dismissed. School weren't interested as her behaviour in school and work was excellent but she has social issues and trouble making friends. I do admin for an adult mental health team and they encouraged me to go back to GP and ask for a referral for CAMHS which we got, her first appointment was a real eye opener and we will be going back for more help. Her school is not interested that she is being seen by CAMHS. Stick to your guns and ask for a second opinion.

OP your son sounds very like mine. He has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and is also very bright (iq 140). His handwriting is terrible. The problems we had with school were that the intelligence was masking the problems he was having and vice versa. The school felt that the handwriting would sort itself out with no intervention (as if!) and he worked slowly because he was lazy

The ed psych from Camhs worked him out in about a minute. Now we have the diagnosis we can at least put some strategies in place to help him in those areas he finds difficult. The areas he finds too easy are another matter but we need to address those too.

You definitely need a second opinion from someone who specialises in ASD. Anyone else will be looking for 'classic' Autism and your child sounds as if his needs are far more nuanced than that.

Also on the getting ready in the morning as PP have said, try s reward for every little thing (we did smarties) and break down tasks as much as possible. DS learnt to put on socks I had already rolled into little 'toe hats', then they weren't quite as rolled, then they weren't rolled at all and he was putting on his own socks, that kind of thing. And leave loads of time. I still allow about an hour for DS1 to get ready although he can do it in half that if he puts his mind to it.

Could you suggest to the teacher that he gets an immediate reward in class if he has walked in nicely? A star on his chart or a sticker or something?

Thanks for everyone's input. I'll have a chat with school and ask what they suggest too.

Plus I'll keep all appointments and see what they say too.

I do think the emotion scale is working very well for us, as he struggles to use words to explain how he is feeling.