Need help getting 5.8 year old DS to school

[Babieseverywhere]

I have four children, three are very well behaved and my 5.8 year oldDS doesn't want to go to school.

I leave breakfast out for the children and when I stand over him, he will get dressed slowly.

The problem is in sections..

1. Getting him out of the house as he hides and/or drops to the floor
2. Getting him walking once outside...we vary between slower than a slug or running out of sight. (He has no sense of danger and needs to be controlled near the road)
3. Once in the playground I need to get him into the building. Without dragging him by his armpits.

Please note. I can not use reins, as he drops to the floor and refuses to walk. I can at a pinch put him into the double pram but he understandably shouts louder and gets more upset.

School say there is no problem in school and he is well behaved once in school.

All suggestions welcome, to make the journey less hellish.

It screams at me that you don't believe he is neuro typical for one minute. You possibly need to have more conviction in your own beliefs

He sounds like my son in some ways. Not all, but some. Mine is 7.

He has adhd and other mild issues currently being assessed.

Don't be fobbed off

So how do I give him a reward for walking nicely to school straight away iyswim. Then he walked off on cloakroom. I told him he would have Minecraft later but they can't take marbles into class.

I can't give him a reward on the playground, as it is very touch and go if he will go in or run, fight or hide !

I don't know what to believe any more :(

I just want DS to be happy and be educated.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Parenting which works so well on the three daughters has no effect on my son. Maybe I need to chat to some boy mums and see what they do differently.

I would say this is more than a badly behaved child....

Play dates and party invites are normally things that are very often with a 5/6 year old so there must be a reason why he isn't getting them..

Have u sat down with him and spoke about school and why he doesn't want to go, or ask him what would make him happier.

Is it just school he acts like this for?

Any other issues at all?

Have you had a proper 1:1 meeting with the teacher because I think this is what is needed

He is very quirky all the time but only this distressed on morning school runs.

Had meeting with school, several in fact and another one tomorrow but unless DS can explain what the problem is, they can't help. They are a lovely school and will do what they can but all they see is me dragging him in and a good happy child until 3.20pm.

Sounds a bit like my son. School were telling me there was nothing wrong. He was just a boy who didn't like writing. He was lazy and didn't try hard enough.

They kept on telling me this until 2 years later he was given a diagnosis of ASD by CAMHS (because I went through the GP), and assessed by the OT as having very hypermobile hands/fingers so couldn't stabilise a pen/pencil to write.

He has huge school anxiety and task avoidance issues as a result.

He just shouts "everything" and that he hates school. He admits he likes eating lunch, climbing frame and computer golden time.

My idea is to write everything down. .
Getting ready for school
Walking to school
Going into classroom
Maths lesson
Morning break
Etc etc
And ask him to give them all a rating or smiley face or something. See if I can build up a list of things he likes and maybe pinpoint what he finds stressfull.

ASD has already been ruled out, he is just badly behaved and I need to find the right way of parenting him, so that he is happy at school.

How has ASD been ruled out - has he had the ADOS? he sounds exactly the same as my son who has ASD and ADHD

What is he like when he comes out of school?
Do you have to drag him out for example?

Golly he reminds me of my ds1 when he was in year 1.

He was miserable at going into school. All the behaviours you've described.

Talked about Lego all the time. ALL the time.

Not really having friends in terms of parties/play dates. Feeling like an outsider.

Exceptionally focused on things he was interested in.

In the end we paid for a private ed psych report. This flagged up potential issues that might be related to aspergers/non verbal learning disability. But very borderline. School happy to treat as if (although also got social communication advisor to add him to his list).

He was way happier by the time he started year 2. The year 1 teacher did not like him at all. It was obvious. The year 2 teachers were brilliant. He also has matured a bit and become better at dealing with things that are new or different (apart from food, don't get me started on food - though that too is improving).

Now in year 3 he is happier. Not tripping into school in delight, but not doing a runner or sobbing against a wall. He wasn't being naughty. He was just finding everything too much to deal with.

Part. Of the problem I think was that I was seeing him as naughty and deliberately disobedient.

He wasn't. He couldn't control at the time how he felt going into school. As soon as I stopped seeing it as naughtiness, amd just part of him, it seemed to open up dialogue and acceptance on both sides. We weren't clashing heads any more. I was more sympathetic. He was more resigned to getting past the home to school transition.

ASD has been ruled out by lady who works at Community Paediatrician clinic, she chatted to us and observed DS and said it was behavioural, he is too chatty to be on the spectrum and he shows imagination (which I disagreed with repeating what he watched on YouTube videos is not using his imagination.) And good eye contact (again I rarely get any eye contact)

When he comes out of school he either happy and eager to go home (for Minecraft) and gets cross that I make him wait on the playground until the majority of the parents have left, else he bolts to the front of the crowd and that frightens me, coupled with bad road sense.
Or he drags himself out of school very unhappy and can't/won't tell me why.

DS is still on list for high language assessment with SALT, hearing test, appointment with Comm Paed.

Plus school have referred him to local ASD unit assessment at my insistance, to rule out ASD.

Everyone I have spoken to including doctors and teachers, Senco, lady from Comm paed clinic and my DH are all positive he is a normal badly behaved boy, who is playing me.

Sorry I would stop the minecraft completely.

What are the 'sanctions' for unwanted behaviour?

I like the marble jar ides - but they have to come out too for behaviour - being rude/cheeky, shouting, hiding, etc. It sounds like mild school phobia. How is he getting on academically? Does he do sports or cubs outside of school? What's he like at weekends, or when you re getting ready to go out/somewhere he wants to go?

You need to give yourself as much time as possible for the mornings - these tend to be the flare points for most families.

Don't get riled yourself and aim to leave the house early in case of metdown on the way. Did you say that he's your only son?

He sounds very like my eldest ds. He has aspergers traits although consultant has said she doesn't feel a new to formally diagnose him as he has improved so much.
Things I found helped was banning any electronics in the morning to help stop meltdowns when I asked him to do something.
A visual timetable, I drew pictures and a clock with the time, and wrote the time and task so eg 7.am get up, then 7.05 go to the toilet etc, every single task was down.
I have also resorted at times to driving the car off the drive before he will
Agree to go to school.

It is very common for children with additional needs to hold it together at school and then once they get home the relief of being back in the comfort zone means all the stress and upset comes tumbling out.

We were lucky in a way that ds has some physical problems ( toiletingproblems and poor fine motor skills) do it was easier to access help from school and nhs but once we did we them got help and advice on the other issues.
Ds is 7 now and has improved greatly with his meltdowns etc

My DS is also unhappy at school. He will often sob on the way to school but walks in as he has resigned himself to going. He is generally ok at school but resentful towards me for leaving him at school when I collect him.
I don't know how to help you but I do find its worth picking your battles in the morning. I get DS dressed, he finds it very difficult as he has dyspraxia. I also make sure I have a breakfast he will definitely like otherwise he will have a meltdown. I leave plenty of time in the morning but don't stress if his behaviour means we are going to be late, it only happens occasionally.

DS won't really tell me much about school or what makes him unhappy about it. He did however open up to the ed psych he saw last week.

I give us 30 minutes to do the 15 minute slow walk to school. After next half term we will be paying a childminder to walk in mh two oldest girls, so I'll just have pram with youngest daughter and DS to walk in.

Yes, he is our only boy, and maybe my parenting tools fall down for boys.

He is very bright, much brighter than school realise. He is exceeding all levels on minimum effort/work, except terrible handwriting and he is the youngest in his class too.

Honestly he doesn't want to leave the house for any reason. He would be happy to talk to noone and sit on the computer 24/7. He reluctantly comes out to family trips, he has small meltdowns before/after and during but nothing in the sheer scale or intensity of the meltdowns in school run mornings. He frequently throws smaller things, toy prams, dining room chairs are pushed around or over, sigh. He wants me to punish him, by keeping him off school, as if. I tell him no matter what he does, he has to go to school. On bad days I have to calm him down, hug him and try and walk him calmly outside. On good days he cries but walks himself.

Yes, I am starting to think no Minecraft at all, but as it is his only interest and the only think he talks about it is hard to do that, but if it helps I will do it.

Certainly no computers before school, happy to give him limited reward time for a good day.

So sorry that there are so many other children not happy with/at school.

Glad to hear a couple of children have outgrown initial issues, I hope this is true of my son too.

No don't take the marbles out, he has earned them they shouldn't be removed.
For me as the mum of two with ASD I would say there are plenty of behaviours in your posts that suggests there is something other than bad behaviour going on.
Ds had challenging behaviour in the extreme but what worked here was to reward every positive so if you were going to go with marbles (we did wotsits initially) then I would be giving for putting on a sock to going down the step. There were no negative consequences he just didn't get a wotsit for that single instance of unwanted behaviour. By 11 he was an absolute joy behaviour wise.
To me school are missing things, he is communicating loud and clear he is unhappy there and the lack of playdates and invitations suggests all is not well with his peers.
Please don't dismiss it as bad behaviour, one person's observation on one day cannot diagnose nor refuse diagnosis of an ASD which needs multiple professionals and observations.
You are entitled to ask for a second opinion from a specialist diagnostic service so please don't be afraid to ask for referral, the NAS will have details of the nearest service to you.

Personally I dont think that it has got much to do with your parenting.

I think that either he does need to be assesed as you are doing, or
is it possible that he has got addicted to Minecraft? Even at this young age?

I'm not saying you are wrong to ssy no computer before school. And heaven only knows that I never thought I would allow time on the computer in the morning.

But...
It is how the YoungDonki self manages his anxiety. His meltdowns are often triggered by telling him to turn the computer off - but the best answer at the moment seems to be having a very clear time when he has to stop - and uding parental controls on the computer to log him off automatically. It gives him a 15 minute warning anf a 2 minute warning - although I have to back this up or he doesn't notice them.

This works much better for the YD than an outright ban.

He has trouble with all transitions or changes to agreed daily timetable. I have to give 5 minute, 1 minute and now warnings of any change in activity, else he meltsdown.

This bit sticks out for me.

I would carry on doing it btw, I suspect that he needs it.

(Note, the trigger may be coming off the computer. The cause is school anxiety)