How many hours do you spend playing 1-1?

[Empress]

I've worked out that I spend about 1hr a day playing, full-on, 1-1, hands & knees stuff, with our 5yo, probably 2+ hrs a day Sat + Sun.
( this is on top of full time work). I never seem to have enough time to do necessary household things and wonder if I spend more time playing than other people?! Others seem to get their houses cleaned/decorated/have evenings to themselves & I always wonder how they manage it! Don't get me wrong i enjoy playing but should i restrict it so that I'm not running around till 11pm trying to get all the jobs done? Am I normal???!!!

you certainly do more than me....ALOT more.

Yes very very normal

Empress - 1-on-1 is far more important than housework! You could always involve your 5yo in the housework - my 4yo loves helping...

When your children leave home you're not going to look back on their childhood and think "I wish I'd spent more time doing housework" are you? If you enjoy it, carry on!

I'm in awe of you - full-time job, keeping your house livable-in and still finding time to play for an hour a day! My full-time job is looking after dd so I play for more time than that (but I don't spend an hour a day doing housework ).

I'm with Zerub on this one!
Playing is better than cleaning any day. I read this quote once that said something like " a child is not going to look back and remember that you ironed their pyjamas but she will remember all the play and good times you had" or something like that. Same gist as Zerub - but from your child's view.
The housework and decorating will still be there in years but your baby won't be 5 forever!

lots more than me too

Empress, you sound like a great mum....playing with them that much you must feel close to them...and no don't favour housework to this...when they're teenagers they will likely want nothing to do with us parents...so make the most. (have same problem too as house a bit of a tip as always being a horse, football or being silly with kids)

Empress, I only work 2 days a week, the rest of the time I'm with dd, so she gets a LOT of attention, far more attention than our flat gets! I'm interacting with her constantly and sit down with her twice a day to concentrate on nothing but play, so around 2 hours a day I guess, plus time in the park etc. But like others here have said, I think playing with her is priority, for both of us. I hate housework, it's a fruitless activity as everything's in a state no sooner than you've done it all. I do combine bits of it with dd, she 'helps' with washing up, hoovering etc. and I clean the bathroom while getting her bath ready and she's playing with things in the water.

More than I spend. DS1 is at nursery in the afternoon, three mornings we are out, I have exercise classes and both boys go to the creche for an hour, spend any other time in the morning tidying up the kitchen from the night before's meal/breakfast and making lunch. Then we take DS1 to nursery and DS2 sleeps, I may use the time to do a bit of housework, do some work as I work from home or relax, pick DS1 up and its time to start on dinner. If you throw in a necessary trip to the shops, etc I feel like we have very little time left. On the plus side we have toys in the diningroom and very often DS1 & 2 choose to play in there and we talk etc whilst I potter in the kitchen, we go to the park (although not as much as when I only had DS1, used to go almost everday) and as the weather gets nicer I hope we will be able to have evening walks etc again. Spend far more time at the weekend together but even at that not too much getting down to play, usually walks or trips out places.

Sod the housework!
A neighbour of mine has 4 kids, between 6 and 14, and never does anything with them. Her house is immaculate but she doesn't have fun with the children. Last summer holiday, I'm not kidding, they went nowhere with their mother(who BTW doesn't go out to work) except the shops. She sends them out to play while she cleans. I don't invite her into my house because while its not filthy, its not pristine.
I know not everyone enjoys playing a lot with their children, but surely theres a balance.
You sound like you're doing a great job.
FWIW I used to feel guilty if I did other things instead of playing with dd when she was younger, but realised they should realise that you aren't there JUST for them all the time. Some days they're left more to their own devices than others.

I'm just wondering what people do APART from play wiht their kids when they are at home with them? Personally I find it hard to do much else - I can set ds1 up with an activity for a while, but generally use that time to cook his food, feed or change ds2, or perhaps bung in a load of washing, but basically I find looking after them takes all my time (they are 27 months and 3 months, so I guess less scope for expecting them to entertain themselves!) ds1 was at home all last week (usually at nursery 3 days) and I got absolutely nothing done other than playing with him - didn't even manage to buy a mothers' day card and had to cancel a hair appointment....have I missed a trick here?

When dd was born three years ago, I was given a fascinating book called "The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn and Flourish". The authors are two of the most prominent childhood development/pediatric experts in America. Anyway......they suggest the following guidlelines for one on one time with your child:

"for infants and toddlers there should be at least four 20 minute periods each day reserved for direct interactive play, activities and conversations; for preschoolers at least three; and for school aged children at least two.......Each child needs time with parents each day that is spent in activities that appeal to the child at his or her level. This could be pretend play with a younger child, or games and activities with an older child, or just a good talk with a teenager or older school aged child. These warm, nurturing times, following the child's lead , provide a basis for the continuing security that all children require and also maintain the trust that will be needed when the going gets rough..."

Sometimes I'm able to comply with their suggestions, and sometimes I can't/don't. But, for the most part, it has helped me stop feeling guilty when I don't spend hours and hours each day entertaining a toddler. Somehow, a few 20 minute increments per day seems manageable.

I find it easy enough now to spend 1-1 time with dd1 - she's nearly 3 and there are so many possibilities what we can play - but reading about the "four times 20 minutes" makes me feel guilty about how I used to be with dd1 and am now with dd2 (7months). I find it incredibly hard to play with a young baby/toddler, until they are about two. What do you play 80 minutes a day with them? I do spend every day looking at some cloth books with dd2, singing songs, blowing bubbles, building and knocking over a few towers, doing nursery rhymes with the appropriate actions, dancing around... but all that fills 30 minutes max, and then I'm bored with it all and so is dd2 (or so it seems). She's with me all the time, so she watches what I'm doing and what dd1 is doing, but do you think that is enough?

God, this thread could really worry me! I've got 3 (5, 3 and 1) and once you've done taken out the trips to and from school, to and from pre-school, the shops, the cooking, the must-do housework (not that much in my stable!), changing nappies, taking dd to the toilet, eating (pant) ... where am I going to find a total of NINE 20 minutes 1-to-1??? Three hours?? It just doesn't happen. I try and spend time with the baby when the middle one is at pre-school (with greater or lesser success) try and spend time with the middle one when the baby is asleep (ditto) and try and spend time with the school boy when he gets home from school before the getting-dinner-ready scenario (ditto! again!). I feel really bad most of the time as I generally fail even at this, the 3 hours thing might just finish me off! Maybe I need to cut out mumsnet?!

Btw, hats off to those of you who are doing better than me! Well done!

Well......the guidelines are "in an ideal world", and I don't want to be the cause of inducing lots of guilt in mums who are stretched to the limit! To be honest, the guidelines made me feel a bit better, as I thought I should spend every spare moment entertaining dd (especially as I "only" work part time). I don't know what they suggest if there's more than one child (I only have dd to consider). I'll see if I can search out what they suggest for mums of multiple children, and will post what I find.

I try to find little ways to make "together" time in the course of the day. For example, it works well if I get up/bathed/dressed before dd (know I'm lucky that she sleeps until about 7.30), then we can start the day cuddling, talking and reading books (without the same mad dash to get out of the house in the morning), so that counts toward time focused on her. We also read/talk/sing before her nap, and before bed at night, and I count that as together time.

I have found that the idea of 80 minutes a day can be daunting if I attempt mostly inside playtime. Sometimes it's unbearable to pull out the same old toys day after day.....So, we go out alot, and I try to integrate "together time" into our routine. For example, on the way to/from the shops, we might detour to feed the ducks, or stop by the playground, or even go to the train station to watch the trains come/go. If we're walking on a quiet street, we might play a game of hopping or walking backwards. If she's in the pushchair, we might play "I Spy" or sing silly songs. By doing it that way, I feel I've focused on dd, and then don't feel guilty that I'm dragging her around to do chores/errands with the expectation of good behavior/cooperation without doing something "just" for her. I also don't feel bad when I have to get on with things at home, and need her to entertain herself (must confess to an over reliance on videos to occupy her when I'm not available as a playmate).

Of course, I've described the way I'd like it to be all the time.....and not necessarily what I achieve. Without doubt, some days I feel more energetic/creative/resourceful and "get it right". Other days, I feel guilty that I haven't been much fun as a mummy. But, that's the real world I suppose.

Finally, I should say that I only have dd to consider. While I am a single mum, and don't have a dh/dp to share the load, I tip my hat to all you mums who juggle more than one.

I would love to spend 10 hours a day playing with ds but I am always on Mumsnet!!

I haven't ever totted up the real amount of playtime. I don't spend anywhere near as much time with ds2 as with ds1 though. He loves playing with his trains/robots on his own for ages. DS1 took more entertaining. DS1 is at school as he's 6 and DS2 is 3 1/2 and goes to pre school every morning. We often get the paints out or draw together. I put housework at the back of my 'must do' list and only do the essentials. I have friends who spend hours cleaning and yes they have lovely homes but there kids aren't that happy. My landing has wallpaper torn off and I've just stuck my DS1s paintings up there to take the eye away from it
You're all doing a good job so give yourselves a pat on the back. The fact that you come on here to find out things about parenting is great.

my priority is baby awake time with him baby asleep wash the dishes and throw some washing in baby again it might not even be playing with him just little things like watching a cartoon with him or just cuddleing him just to show him im here one person mentions the state on my house (its not that bad realy) and my reply is you dont like it then clean it

elliot, I also wonder that. What do people do that isn't baby orientated in the day?

I wouldn't say that I do much with my day that isn't child orientated, unfortunately not much of it is sitting down playing. I have a cleaner so I am not doing any more than the basics myself, ironing is usually saved for the evening when both DSs are in bed. Just wondered about Earlybird's quote, these 20 mins sessions, if these are split between both parents then I think we probably achieve that most days, although not particularly playing but chatting whilst walking down the road, talking about foods we see in the supermarket, trips swimming, feeding ducks, talking/interacting whilst I am pottering in the kitchen, DH usually has some one-to-one time with them at some point in the day too and we usually manage to sit down for two meals a day as a family.

In my own way I solved the housework/one to one time problem long ago. I take out the children to have one to one time with them away from home. As they're not inside messing up the house, even if the house doens't get cleaned, it doesn't get any worse.

I am in awe of people who do get down on their hands and knees and play with tinies for hours at a time. I manage 10 minute intervals, but think if one half of the 'one to one' is screamingly bored and irritated, the time ceases to be quality time. I am better at quality chats, and as my sons get older, this becomes easier.

I've never really got into toy cars, action men, power rangers, lego and beyblades. Now if I'd had a doll-mad daughter ...

I don't think we should too narrowly define 'play time'. My 20 month old enjoys doing 'responsible' things with me like helping clean out the gerbil cage (she puts clean sawdust in the bottom), or filling their food bowl up (although she spills half of it on the floor). That to me counts as stimulation and 'fun' since she seems to really enjoy it - more so than us jointly playing with her shape sorter or mega blocks etc. So if we reflect on this sort of thing we probably spend much more than 1 hour directly interacting and stimulating our kids

I agree hmc, surely any time spent with your kids is 1 to 1 time. My DD likes to help cook and clean and although she's often more of a hindrance than a help it's still fun and she gets enormous satisfaction if she does do something herself (like peel a potato for instance).
Also there seems to be a big assumption here that this is all mum's job. I know some may be single parents and that makes it much harder, but if not then what about dad - in my experience boys are better at down pn the floor palying, especially a bit of rough and tunble and mucking about than girls are. I'm better at the reading a book, drawing a picture type stuff

I agree re normal life being play to kids. I think singing/chatting in the car counts - definitely - as does having a conversation as you go round the supermarket, as does chatting on the way home from nursery, as does reading a book together, tickling while you change a nappy, talking about colours or whatever when you get them dressed, going to the shops and looking at all the people/numbers/stuff and experiencing the weather together, giving ds a broom to 'help' me sweep the floor, just normal stuff. Why does it have to involve toys and special outings etc? My ds likes to sit on my knee pretending we are holding a kitten and he puts the kitten's mittens on! I just sit there chatting away and holding my hand out. Mind you, my house is a tip half the time and I have a weekly cleaner for a couple of hours - chores don't really feature much my life. He also gets loads of one-one with my mum who is looking after him right now while I'm supposed to be working.

Thank god for Tigermoth - I'm not the only one who's reduced to screaming pitch by more than 10 minutes of hot wheels! DS's (just 4yo) current obsession is hide and seek, which sends me bananas in the house but never seems so bad in the park. My strategy has always been to go out with him, and I'm much too tired in the evenings after a day at work to do more than cook his tea, watch a bit of telly with him and then get him ready for bed at 7pm.

Of course I feel perpetually guilty about not doing more, and about being so grudging about the little I do.