How many hours do you spend playing 1-1?

[Empress]

I've worked out that I spend about 1hr a day playing, full-on, 1-1, hands & knees stuff, with our 5yo, probably 2+ hrs a day Sat + Sun.
( this is on top of full time work). I never seem to have enough time to do necessary household things and wonder if I spend more time playing than other people?! Others seem to get their houses cleaned/decorated/have evenings to themselves & I always wonder how they manage it! Don't get me wrong i enjoy playing but should i restrict it so that I'm not running around till 11pm trying to get all the jobs done? Am I normal???!!!

[Evita]

Hey, just a slight twist to the question: what do you do if your child will ONLY be entertained by 1-1? My friend's 3year old boy just won't do anything on his own, he's incredibly clingy and always has been even though my friend's tried everything to encourage him to be more independent.

[Clarinet60]

Tigermoth, I feel so much better after reading your post! I feel a fraud feigning enthusiasm for ds's castle and knights, etc, and have been having real trouble getting my face to form the right expression, when I'd rather be doing almost anything else. I think you're right, it must be better to do things you both enjoy, together, and let them play with their nitty-gritty stuff by themselves. Luckily, I do manage to play football with them and enjoy it. Also, baking.
I like doing writing and art-work too, but DS1 seems to have gone completely off all that (he's just started school, so quel surprise).

I'm glad I'm not the only one!

[tigermoth]

I'm not too good at planned indoor play activities either, droile. I have great hopes, I picture, for instance, both boys to painting together, with me in the background offering encoourgment and gentle guidance. The reality is a paint fight!

I hope your friend isn't too hard on herself about her 8 year old son's dependancy on her when he plays. In my experience, the ability to play independently is a personality thing as well. My 4 year old plays far more independently than my nearly 9 year old.

I think I'm quite self centered about 'quality time' with my boys, actually. I really have to enjoy it too, hence me taking them to places I like to go to. If want to share my son's happiness and fascination with something, not simply watch it.

I don't enjoy playing with their toys. I don't, as a rule, enjoy watching them make a mess of the kitchen with their paints and pens. Once a week maybe but not more. I am convinced they can pick up the negative vibes from me. I feel that my insincerety does more harm than good. I want to be genuinely happy with my boys. I will play toy cars or listen to my oldest son harp on about pokemon for 10 minutes maximum, but that's it.

[Clarinet60]

Great post Eulalia, I agree.
I've been worrying about this lately too, but I agree that boredom is the mother of invention. It's an extreme case I know, but my friend stimulated her first child constantly and put loads of time into him She regrets it now, because at 8, he will not do a thing on his own and she has to spoon-feed him each bit of his play. She has to say 'now do this' - 'now do that'.

I think there is a happy medium though. Both my boys play really well on their own, but I would like to put more time into my 4yr old in particular. Every thing I plan seems to go pear-shaped though, somehow.

[Eulalia]

I heard of a book called the something Myth... sorry not very illuminating but basically it said that we don't need to worry about always encouraging our kids to walk/talk/play and they don't need loads of stimulating toys. Most of the things they learn by watching and by exploring on their own terms. Having said that obviously sticking them in front of a video for hours is going to be detrimental. I find my two often ignore their toys and I am forever trying to keep them in the L/R but they want to come in the kitchen and either help ds (who is 4.8) or dd (23 months) pull things out of the cupboards.

They both get stories every evening and park at the weekends, and swimming. Also in the evenings they like to do lots of physical stuff, bouncing on my knee (yes even the older one!), running between my legs etc. ds I find more demanding in a way as he always wants me to help with join the dots etc or to pretend to 'be' Tractor Tom in his games.

I do try to do things separately with them because of their age gap so differnet interests. ds loves baking and I take dd swimming on her own + mums and toddlers so it all adds up ...

All this 20mins x 4 a day is a bit scientific and rigid, probably designed to make us feel guilty... anyway better go and do something with the kids ..!

[Sid]

I thought that the problem today was that children were over-stimulated, and that we should all be giving them time to get a little bored? As Wog says, they need their own time to explore and imagine - some downtime, or is that just me trying to wriggle out of exhausting one-on-one play?

[Demented]

Of course that counts SP, that's turn taking and learning patience all rolled into one!

[sar7]

It seems that most of us whether we work ft/pt or are sahm feel that we should be providing more quality 1-1 time. We are so hard on ourselves!

I feel constantly guilty about the lack of 'proper' playing time I give my son (33 months). I used to play with him a lot more but since dd2 has come along (20 weeks), it has obviously become a lot harder. However, he has become very happy to play on his own more. Having said that, we talk all the time and whenever we're in the car/walking/supermarket etc we're looking at stuff and talking about it.

Everyday I promise myself I will do a proper playing activity with him but it never seems to happen. Sometimes I think that if I worked (paid employment that is) that I would be better at making quality time for him.

[wog]

I clean my house in the mornings as I work in the afternoon, my 20mnth dd either helps me, plays with her toys, reads a book, or watches cartoons. sometimes we go to grans or aunties and she does the same there. I dont panic about 1 - 1 as when we are getting changed, sitting on toilet or watching tv together we sing, read books, play with matching cards or roll about the floor but I think with everyday things like dinner etc I am am always teaching her. I think when she goes to nursery she has the attention of her key worker and the other children so when she is playing on her own sometimes I dont like to interupt her as she is exploring and using her own imagination and children should be allowed to teach themselves and not always have the interaction of an adult - sometimes we should just be there to guide them.

[elliott]

I should add that I count all those 'helping' and 'normal life' activities as play too - even going on the potty as we always read a book together then! If I have to cook then ds1 stands on a chair beside me making pasta and salt concoctions, if I have to shower he comes into the bathroom and plays in the sink with his cups, etc etc. I suppose a lot of the time I'm not really playing WITH him, for example if he's doing a puzzle or playing with the train track its more a question of watching and making encouraging comments. But I don't really do anything that requires me to focus on something else - I never go shopping (except short trips to local shops which are really outings for him), never do any cleaning, can't even make phone calls to pay bills as he gets upset if he can't talk on the phone .
Poor old ds2 on the other hand gets put under the baby gym while I go on mumsnet.....he's lucky if he gets 10 minutes 1-1 while he's having a nappy change

[amess]

this thread makes me feel better at the moment, there just never seems to be enough time to do everything and I struggle to play and the house is always... a mess ...trouble is as quickly as you get it straight it's a mess in two minutes depending on the type of play but certainly within a day of relaxing and not doing the housework. I try to think about how they will grow up quickly and so leave the housework (not that I'm keen on housework anyway!) but playing 1 to 1 isn't easy and soon they wont want me to play anyway so I must do more now off to play well in a minute or two! Useless mother signing off!

[SenoraPostrophe]

Do the many hours I spend telling dd that she can have her drink/yoghurt/banana after I've fed ds - and to touch him gently please - count?

[Azure]

I echo some of the other thoughts - what is the secret for spending any time not child-focused? I work full-time and either DH or I play 1-1 with DS from the moment he wakes (back to 5.30am recently ) ) until he's dropped off at nursery (apart from breakfast and getting dressed). Likewise from picking him up in the evening until bath-time. Weekends is pretty much all 1-1. I don't do many chores in the house (have a cleaner, internet grocery shop at lunchtime at work, never iron and in the week cook after DS has gone to bed).

[Pidge]

On the 4 days per week I work I currently see my dd (20 months) for less than an hour and about 40 minutes of that time is spent breastfeeding her! But she is with her daddy for over an hour in the evening before I arrive home. Plus I try to make more time for her on my 3 days at home. I do find I get pretty bored after a while, but have discovered the joys of letting her help with laundry, or the dishwasher. Plus she would sit having books read to her forever.

My view is it's all a balancing act and whatever works for you and makes you and your family happy is good going.

[Sheila]

Thank god for Tigermoth - I'm not the only one who's reduced to screaming pitch by more than 10 minutes of hot wheels! DS's (just 4yo) current obsession is hide and seek, which sends me bananas in the house but never seems so bad in the park. My strategy has always been to go out with him, and I'm much too tired in the evenings after a day at work to do more than cook his tea, watch a bit of telly with him and then get him ready for bed at 7pm.

Of course I feel perpetually guilty about not doing more, and about being so grudging about the little I do.

[aloha]

I agree re normal life being play to kids. I think singing/chatting in the car counts - definitely - as does having a conversation as you go round the supermarket, as does chatting on the way home from nursery, as does reading a book together, tickling while you change a nappy, talking about colours or whatever when you get them dressed, going to the shops and looking at all the people/numbers/stuff and experiencing the weather together, giving ds a broom to 'help' me sweep the floor, just normal stuff. Why does it have to involve toys and special outings etc? My ds likes to sit on my knee pretending we are holding a kitten and he puts the kitten's mittens on! I just sit there chatting away and holding my hand out. Mind you, my house is a tip half the time and I have a weekly cleaner for a couple of hours - chores don't really feature much my life. He also gets loads of one-one with my mum who is looking after him right now while I'm supposed to be working.

[sponge]

I agree hmc, surely any time spent with your kids is 1 to 1 time. My DD likes to help cook and clean and although she's often more of a hindrance than a help it's still fun and she gets enormous satisfaction if she does do something herself (like peel a potato for instance).
Also there seems to be a big assumption here that this is all mum's job. I know some may be single parents and that makes it much harder, but if not then what about dad - in my experience boys are better at down pn the floor palying, especially a bit of rough and tunble and mucking about than girls are. I'm better at the reading a book, drawing a picture type stuff

[handlemecarefully]

I don't think we should too narrowly define 'play time'. My 20 month old enjoys doing 'responsible' things with me like helping clean out the gerbil cage (she puts clean sawdust in the bottom), or filling their food bowl up (although she spills half of it on the floor). That to me counts as stimulation and 'fun' since she seems to really enjoy it - more so than us jointly playing with her shape sorter or mega blocks etc. So if we reflect on this sort of thing we probably spend much more than 1 hour directly interacting and stimulating our kids

[tigermoth]

In my own way I solved the housework/one to one time problem long ago. I take out the children to have one to one time with them away from home. As they're not inside messing up the house, even if the house doens't get cleaned, it doesn't get any worse.

I am in awe of people who do get down on their hands and knees and play with tinies for hours at a time. I manage 10 minute intervals, but think if one half of the 'one to one' is screamingly bored and irritated, the time ceases to be quality time. I am better at quality chats, and as my sons get older, this becomes easier.

I've never really got into toy cars, action men, power rangers, lego and beyblades. Now if I'd had a doll-mad daughter ...

[Demented]

I wouldn't say that I do much with my day that isn't child orientated, unfortunately not much of it is sitting down playing. I have a cleaner so I am not doing any more than the basics myself, ironing is usually saved for the evening when both DSs are in bed. Just wondered about Earlybird's quote, these 20 mins sessions, if these are split between both parents then I think we probably achieve that most days, although not particularly playing but chatting whilst walking down the road, talking about foods we see in the supermarket, trips swimming, feeding ducks, talking/interacting whilst I am pottering in the kitchen, DH usually has some one-to-one time with them at some point in the day too and we usually manage to sit down for two meals a day as a family.

[Evita]

elliot, I also wonder that. What do people do that isn't baby orientated in the day?

[mummytojames]

my priority is baby awake time with him baby asleep wash the dishes and throw some washing in baby again it might not even be playing with him just little things like watching a cartoon with him or just cuddleing him just to show him im here one person mentions the state on my house (its not that bad realy) and my reply is you dont like it then clean it

[juniper68]

I haven't ever totted up the real amount of playtime. I don't spend anywhere near as much time with ds2 as with ds1 though. He loves playing with his trains/robots on his own for ages. DS1 took more entertaining. DS1 is at school as he's 6 and DS2 is 3 1/2 and goes to pre school every morning. We often get the paints out or draw together. I put housework at the back of my 'must do' list and only do the essentials. I have friends who spend hours cleaning and yes they have lovely homes but there kids aren't that happy. My landing has wallpaper torn off and I've just stuck my DS1s paintings up there to take the eye away from it
You're all doing a good job so give yourselves a pat on the back. The fact that you come on here to find out things about parenting is great.

[collision]

I would love to spend 10 hours a day playing with ds but I am always on Mumsnet!!

[Earlybird]

Well......the guidelines are "in an ideal world", and I don't want to be the cause of inducing lots of guilt in mums who are stretched to the limit! To be honest, the guidelines made me feel a bit better, as I thought I should spend every spare moment entertaining dd (especially as I "only" work part time). I don't know what they suggest if there's more than one child (I only have dd to consider). I'll see if I can search out what they suggest for mums of multiple children, and will post what I find.

I try to find little ways to make "together" time in the course of the day. For example, it works well if I get up/bathed/dressed before dd (know I'm lucky that she sleeps until about 7.30), then we can start the day cuddling, talking and reading books (without the same mad dash to get out of the house in the morning), so that counts toward time focused on her. We also read/talk/sing before her nap, and before bed at night, and I count that as together time.

I have found that the idea of 80 minutes a day can be daunting if I attempt mostly inside playtime. Sometimes it's unbearable to pull out the same old toys day after day.....So, we go out alot, and I try to integrate "together time" into our routine. For example, on the way to/from the shops, we might detour to feed the ducks, or stop by the playground, or even go to the train station to watch the trains come/go. If we're walking on a quiet street, we might play a game of hopping or walking backwards. If she's in the pushchair, we might play "I Spy" or sing silly songs. By doing it that way, I feel I've focused on dd, and then don't feel guilty that I'm dragging her around to do chores/errands with the expectation of good behavior/cooperation without doing something "just" for her. I also don't feel bad when I have to get on with things at home, and need her to entertain herself (must confess to an over reliance on videos to occupy her when I'm not available as a playmate).

Of course, I've described the way I'd like it to be all the time.....and not necessarily what I achieve. Without doubt, some days I feel more energetic/creative/resourceful and "get it right". Other days, I feel guilty that I haven't been much fun as a mummy. But, that's the real world I suppose.

Finally, I should say that I only have dd to consider. While I am a single mum, and don't have a dh/dp to share the load, I tip my hat to all you mums who juggle more than one.