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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I think DD1 is stealing money from me

33 replies

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 09:57

A couple of time in the last fees months I have thought I should have had money than I did in my purse but wasn't sure.

Yesterday I had £10 and used around £3 to buy my DM a birthday present so had at least £6 in my purse.

I haven't spent anything since as I was keeping it for a club I go to with DD3 on Monday mornings.

I have just looked in my purse and there is nothing on there.

She is at school now so I can't speak to her about it until later.

She has been caught out with this in the past as well as taking chocolate and sweets from her little sisters.

Just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ShatnersBassoon · 28/04/2014 10:02

How old is she? What would she be taking the money for?

ClubName · 28/04/2014 10:04

How old is she?

What did you do when she was caught in the past?

Very hard to "do" anything without proof but if you have it I would come down very hard indeed. She would pay back double (at least) from her pocket money and probably have other privileges removed.

I wouldn't like to do it but I think maybe set her up and see what happens? i.e. leave something tempting around when it's just you and her in the house?

Alternatively, leave nothing tempting around ever. Keep your handbag well hidden etc,

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 10:20

I am going to guess last year Primary or first two years Secondary.

She's either treating herself or competing with others or paying a bully money.

What were the previous events?

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 10:22

She is 12. It is definitely her and not the other 2 as they are only 5 and 3 and don't have anywhere to spend it.

We haven't had enough money to give pocket money until this month as only had about £40 a week for food shopping.

She was grounded last time she did it. Once I asked her to get my purse from the car and she took £2. The other time she took £20 from on top of the microwave.

I'm pretty sure that she has eaten DD3s creme egg recently as well but I have no proof and she won't admit it.

My money has just gone up by possibly £150 a month so I am more likely to be able to give pocket money but how can I give it now? It feels like rewarding her for stealing from me.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 10:24

I think she is using money to buy sweets and rubbish. Last time it was fizzy drinks, sweets abf one direction sticks. I know this because she left the evidence in her school jacket pocket.

Donkey yes she is year 7.

OP posts:

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 10:25

What did you do when you caught her out in past?
I think that taking sweets/biscuits is a normal part of growing-up TBH so try not to feel too bad tho I guess it somehow feels worse with money and I would want to nip it in the budwhatever was being taken.
I am certain that my SIL stole from my purse(she was teen at time)-I think the household had been bit chaotic at times and it had gone under the radar. I guess I would announce that "money has gone missing from mummy's purse" and that meant could not afford to buy xyz.You could then watch her reaction and explain that you take a dim view and what the consequences would be if it happened again/found out who culprit was.

ClubName · 28/04/2014 10:30

FWIW my sister stole my Easter present from a friend when she was about 11/12. It was a nest filled with jelly eggs and my mum found it hidden on the top of her wardrobe. Usually we got the same of everything from everyone (family) but this was different because it was from a friend. I was devastated because I'd have shared them with her anyway. I never shared any sweets with her again, ever

30 years on, my DSis is a responsible citizen, with no criminal record, a fantastic job and 2 Dc who are turning out beautifully.

ShatnersBassoon · 28/04/2014 10:33

You obviously need to punish her for stealing, but I think giving her regular pocket money would solve the problem. It's tricky.

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 10:33

Sorry Amelia-I am slow typer and just seen your later posts. I think in that case I would have it out with her and explain why you feel certain it is her, that you are disappointed and that you wanted to give her pocket money but will have to delay/ reduce amount now.

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 10:35

I explained last time that if she takes money it leaves less for us all. Less days out, less food and less treats but it obviously didn't make any difference.

Things have been hard for the last 7 or 8 months but seemed to be settling down.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 10:36

Yes I will tell her about pocket money. How much is a

OP posts:

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 10:38

Posted by accident!

How much is a normal amount of pocket money for a 12 year old? I didn't get pocket money as such my mum just gave me a little now and again for treats.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 11:00

I'd ask her what was she thinking before going to your purse and looking inside it.

When somebody trusts you, it’s important not to hurt them. One could define trust as depending upon people we know either to do certain things or not do certain things.

In taking something without asking, DD hurt you because she broke your trust. Never mind whether you could afford to lose the money or not.

She cheated her little DSis out of her creme egg. She may have reasoned with herself her DSis wouldn't miss it. Or did she feel as the eldest she somehow deserved extra? Again, what was her thinking?

I don't think it matters whether it's a piece of confectionery or a sum of money. DD should face consequences. Point out to her that in future if you can't trust her in the home maybe you should curtail her life outside it ie ground her. For now get her to repay you by earning what she took by extra chores.

AgentProvocateur · 28/04/2014 11:07

Second what everyone else says, BUT I do have sympathy for your DD. If she's 12, and getting no pocket money at all, and all her friends are able to buy sweets etc... It must seem unfair to her. And I know stealing it was wrong, but I can sort of see why she did it

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 11:13

I understand that but I can't give her what I haven't got.

I will speak to her when she gets home.

OP posts:

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 11:20

Agree withdonkeys but also think there needs to be some carrot (awful pun).
How about "We will do pocket money but you need to do chores to earn it.
You will buy a cream egg for your sis and you will repay the money you took from me and pocket money will be reduced/ stopped for a period if you do not do chores/steal again"
We all have to find our own way with these things but asking what different people do can just help in IME.
FWIW my DD (13) gets £3 a week but has to tidy and clean her room and help me when asked. She has had money docked for being rude/shrieking at me. I don't know what others her age get. She started at 3 with £1 a week which helped to curtail her requests at supermarket.

ClubName · 28/04/2014 11:24

LOL Scarlett - I found saying no each and every time soon curtailed a 3yo's requests at the supermarket

I also don't like paying children to do job they should just do IYSWIM. Attending to their own rooms and washing and occasionally helping mum out shouldn't need paying for IMO. (sorry not picking on you but am thinking about pocket money for my own DC ATM)

I agree OP's DC will have to earn money to pay back what she's stolen but I think it should be by doing jobs for other people, not herself. e.g. I would pay her to clean my shoes but not for cleaning her own IYSWIM.

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 11:27

Also agree withagent. Curse my slow typing. Perhaps you can work out what you can afford? Sounds like she needs something if you can manage it but IMO communication is key-I should know cos I have blown it enought times! Good luck!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 11:28

That sounds a good solution Scarlett.

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 11:36

Fair points club but worked well for me . She felt she had some control I think and it spilled over to other to other areas with few if any demands. She quickly understood about running out of money too and the autonomy I think does help. Of course she will offer us help too without being asked but if she does not comply with reasonable requests or is rude then we can dock her money.
Just threw it into the (pick) and mix cos It can be enlightening to see what others do.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 11:39

a school day they can only work for up to 2 hours.

How many hours can a teenager (13 and 14 year olds) work?

School DaysNot more than 2 hours in one day during the following periods:
Morning: 7am to start of school or
Evening: close of school to 7pmSaturdaysUp to 5 hours between 7am and 7pmSundaysUp to 2 hours between 7am and 11amTerm Time
(Including weekends)Up to a maximum of 12 hours a week (Including weekends)School Holidays
(Including weekends)Up to a maximum of 25 hours week.
5 hours a day, between 7am - 7pm on any day except Sunday.
On Sundays, 2 hours between 7am - 7pm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 11:40

Oh posting on my phone was trying to say, when 13, DD can get a job. That could supplement her pocket money. Obviously at 13 the options are very limited.

Original poster

AmeliaToppingLovesShopping · 28/04/2014 11:44

I think I might offer her £5 a week so £1 for every school day. If I give it to her at the beginning of the week when its gone it is gone type thing.

Then what I will say is that I will take £1 a week off her until she has paid back what she has stolen.

As punishment I am thinking of getting her to sort out the shed and also ground her until the weekend.

Is that ok or too much?

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/04/2014 11:48

That sounds good as long as you can afford it.

When she's older the clothing allowance debate might come up. But that's some way off.

ScarlettSahara · 28/04/2014 11:49

Thanks Donkeys. Off to tackle the ironing mountain.

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