Am I alone in having fallen 'out of love' with 3 year old DD

[resipsa]

I still love her, of course, and would protect her with my life but she has changed from a lovely baby/toddler into a difficult, rude and angry young child. When I'm at work, I can't wait to see her then when I do, I can't wait for her bedtime! Is this just a phase (please say yes, someone)? I want to be in love again.

I think it's v normal

I felt like that about 2 out of 3 of mine

It does pass - you love them again at 4

I have 3 DC's and fall in and out of 'like' with them sometimes. Never love, but there are times when I prefer one or the other. It passes, when whatever phase they are going through passes as well. As far as I know it's normal!

I'm sure it will pass but I don't like the lost bond which was very close and seems to be disappearing. She used to seek me out and now appears indifferent to me (or am I reflecting?).

She's growing up, finding independence. Babies are not surre where Mummy ends and they begin, in the years that follow the ties break and loosen, as they should and our children start to emerge as different individuals. Although they still need emotioal support they can start to depend on themselves a littles bit, and as the years pass this happens more and more. It's a normal process.

Oh, I get that bit; I just don't get the hitting, biting and blatant defiance that seem to go with it!

Maybe look at the reasons for the behaviour?

DS went through a phase just after Christmas of being quite angry and defiant. Our super Montessori nursery helped us to see that he needed more responsibility to gain more confidence and appropriate control. They were dead right and he has been so much better since we have been expecting him to dress himself, tidy up after himself and help round the house a bit.

He is 3.8 btw.

She does that sort of stuff for herself mostly already. I just can't fathom the odd stuff, to be frank. For example, when I went to collect her today from nursery, she stood in the corner and refused to come out of the room. She used to run at me! When I asked her why she had done that, she said that she hadn't seen me which obviously wasn't the case. When asked to do something reasonable, she refuses and says that she is not 'her name' so she can't. Is this stuff normal?

Children go through lots of stages and phases. Some you like, some you don't. Nothing stays the same.
Don't bother over thinking any of them - Just decide what you will or will not put up with - set boundaries and be consistent - She is the one going through phases,..not you.

You can look forward to the teenage phases. That's a good one ;)

Fast forward to when she starts school, her first day in her little uniform, trotting off and coming home and telling you all the little details and routines of her new life. You will feel big love and rather wistful for these days now!

All of them are hard work at some point between 18 mths and four years old, some for longer periods and to a greater extent than others.

PS when my DD was this age I didn't like her some of the time and conversely LOVED my baby son who was so easy and cuddly.

Now I love my smart little cookie DD who is nearly five now, quite independent and hilarious, I would happily spend a day in her company. My lovely baby bundle of joy DS is now 2.5 and, while very sweet sometimes, is hard hard hard work much of the time.

I can relate to this!! I miss the cute two year old too- my 3yo dd is already like a teenager! She's sometimes very sweet, but also crazy, silly and quite annoying! Luckily my DH is good at being silly with her. I know it's just a phase, I think some people just prefer older kids and I'm looking forward to those stages xxx

definitely relate to this, DD is 3.8 and driving me up the wall. Screaming, constantly switching imaginary identities, running off when outside, hitting me etc etc. I am looking forward to her being four and hopefully a bit calmer! like bumpsadaisie I have a baby DS and I think she is suffering from the comparison with him.

The tip about giving more responsibility is a good one, DD is much better when not "controlled" by us and allowed more choice.

I've had a horrible time with my DD today. My dh and I went to a hotel last night for a treat (I've been struggling with depression for the past 4 months) and have come home to a monster. I'm trying to stay calm but I think it's got to me more because last night was so lovely. Sometimes I don't really like my DD and it makes me feel so down

Three year olds are psychos. I've had two. They get over it. Hang on in there.

Yes, I had exactly this with DS. I had a really big moment the other day where I suddenly realised that I could name specific things that I liked about him again.

4 is better than 3 and 5 is a huge improvement. The preschool age for me was just awful - no cute toddler quirks, lots of totally irrational stuff which makes no sense in any universe and there is no pattern to it, so you can't deal with it or pre-empt it either. They can be cruel, they are often annoying, they don't push the boundaries so much as drive steamrollers into them, and don't know when to stop. They like to make a lot of constant, unnecessary, irritating noise. They like to ignore you at times where this will make maximum impact and cling to your leg when you need to be left alone. They simultaneously think they are a newborn, worthy of newborn undivided attention, and a teenager, practically able to look after themselves except they can't use a toaster unsupervised.

I think it is worse when you only have one child.

My survival tips are:
Have a system to deal with bad/annoying behaviour. I don't care how hippy and AP you are, you need to pick up the 123 Magic (or whatever) because otherwise you will turn into a screaming banshee and then constantly feed into a cycle of irritation>react>overreact>guilt>shame>easily irritated due to guilt/overcompensating due to shame>leading to more overreaction, or more bad behaviour>infinite shouting, guilt, worse behaviour.
Keep it simple, consistent and black and white. You can reason and redirect again when they get to 5 or 6 - it's really not enough on its own right now (you can do it alongside the sanction system).

Look for good things - the 100 happy days meme on facebook is a nice one at the moment. Just think of one nice moment you had with them in the day. And yes 99% of "nice moments" you plan will get interrupted/ruined. Try to have a positive bedtime routine so you know there's one nice/calm moment of the day.

They are cuter through a camera lens or when they are asleep.

Try to think "He's not giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time"

If you have a husband/partner in crime, appreciate him!

Hi Bertie, gosh what a spot on description!! Mine is exactly like that, bolshy teen one second, then needy baby the next. I am really looking forward to the end of the silly/ annoying phase.
One of the hardest thing I find to cope with is that she can be really cruel to my dh who is the most amazing dad. I can see he's upset which then upsets me. I had pnd with her, followed by a recent relapse so I constantly question my relationship with her and often try too hard which then backfires! Xx

DD turned round and said to me, mid tantrum - "do you know how hard it is to be three?" Think I had forgotten!

4 is much better for both of us!

Bertie you have just described my 3yo ds to a t! Op I am v relieved it's not just me. He's so sullen and defiant, like the teenagers i deal with at work. And there was me thinking I'd smugly got away without going through the terrible 2s!! 2 was a walk in the park!!

Otoh my 8mo ds2 is so cute and snuggly and happy, making ds1 seem even more demonic.

He is cute though, he said to me today "mammy, I love you....and daddy and grandma and grandad and...( goes on to list about another 20 random acquaintances)...and you know what, they all love me too!"

You can see I've overthought this a lot

The other thing that helps is DON'T beat yourself up or think you're a bad mother for not liking a stage. It's a stage. A particularly trying one. There is nothing wrong with not liking it.

Take some videos of their cute baby voice, face, and mannerisms, though, because by the time you can see them again through the haze of exhaustion and frustration, they're growing up into proper little people and while that is really exciting, it's nice to look back. (4 year olds are really narcissistic too and LOVE watching videos or looking through photos of themselves, so it's win win!)

No, I don't know why everyone obsesses over the "terrible twos" either. Two was lovely. (Maybe I'm just weird?)

I found terrible twos non existent and thought I'd escaped it then she turned 3. Wow what a change! My little angel became defiant and difficult. I don't remember how I dealt with it tbh as I've blocked it out I think so can't offer any advice. My difficult 3 yr old mellowed out again at 4 when she realised I knew what I was talking about.

I don't think all children go through "terrible twos" or "terrible threes"

Interesting. It has got so bad here at times that I had costed up having my 3yo in FT childcare. I also have an eleven month old who is squishy ans gorgeously snuggly and cute as a button to boot.

On top of that my 3yo had learning disabilities so takes forever to learn anything - she is actually closer to 4 but refuses to PT, has no ability or desire to dress herself and no attachment to us. So behaviour is atrocious too.