Help please, our marriage is hanging by a thread due to family issues.

[Debbsy09]

I used to be a regular member of this site but haven't been on here now for about six years but I really need some advice as this is causing everyone in the family to be unhappy.
I have a 7 year old boy from my previous marriage,my husband has an 11 year old boy from his previous marriage and we have a 2 year old little girl together.we gave been together now for six years and married last march, my ds does not have anything to do with his father since the age of 2 and my dh has taken on the role with my ds
.We as a family have been through many challenges over the past 6 years, I became Ill and was in and out of hospital from 2010 to 2012 for stomach problems having major surgery twice, dd been born by emergency c section after nearly losing us both, my mum in and out of hospital over the years after contracting swine flu and nearly dying, to my dear dad been diagnosed with cancer last November to passing away 10 days later.To issues with the family namely my son he has always had a very high demand for my attention and sometimes well daily really it's relentless, the relationship between my ds and his step brother is non exist ant,he constantly tells tales on my step son,he's done this he's done that etc etc, this obviously causes a lot of friction between me and my dh as we argue about it, I always side with my ds and my dh always sides with his ds.its stupid things they fall out about but it's constant!! I hate the weekends so much because I just know there is going to be arguing.To my ds causing upset in the house on a daily basis refusing to eat food that gas been cooked for him saying he doesn't like it, when it know that he does,to not doing as he's told even after been told five or six times.
There was one instant last year when my ds and his step bros had been tussling in the garden my dh separated them and my ds had a mark on his eye from the tussle, the next day my ds was taken to hospital because he had fallen off his scooter whilst with his childminder and cut his chin, the dr asked my ds what he had done to his face he said his dad had punched him! Needless to say we had the police and social workers all over us, we were all interviewed even my two year old daughter,until they were satisfied and my ds eventually admitted that it was an accident caused by the two of them tussling.this understandably gutted my dh and his relationship with my ds has never been the same, he saw this as the ultimate kick in the teeth as he has raising my son as his own,whilst only seeing his son on weekends.Things have got that bad that my step son is now saying to his dad that he is sick of my ds and doesn't want to come,obviously this is very upsetting for my dh, as from July my step son is moving out of the city to be 40 miles away this is also affecting my dh,because of the relationship between the two boys is fractious to say the least!! At the weekend my ds asked his step bros for batteries for his x box, he said he had none, my ds allegedly kicked his step bros in the balls so my step son punched my ds in the face allegedly, this is the first time my step son has hit my ds with intent to hurt him and through temper.This caused ructions in the house with my ds crying constantly( which he does do very easily ) to my dh and myself arguing and dh telling me he can't do this anymore... He loves me but can't be with my ds anymore, for the fear that if ds makes up another story and the social services get involved or the fact that his ds now doesn't want to visit.Please please help I am at my wits end with all of this and just want to run away!! :-( :-(

Don't have any experience or advice to offer, but didn't want to read and ignore. Consider your hand held until someone wiser comes along.

Thank you Oohlala

Have you asked your ds what the problems is?
My dd has been brought up by my dh since she was four but is often bloody awful to him so I know how it is but you must keep the communication up with him.
Your dh needs to remind himself that he is the adult and your son is still very young.
Have you thought about getting your son some counselling maybe via school to work out his feelings?

Sorry, I meant to say, your ds doesn't see his dad but then has to watch another child come and see his dad and the only father your ds has even known.
You can see why he'd be jealous can't you? Particularly if your dh is backing off too.
Did as not offer anything after the false allegations were made?

My dh has been steadfast in his affection and support for dd even when she been really horrible, kids need to know that we will love them unconditionally which your dh isn't really showing him.
I'm not suggesting it's easy but I think that's the main issue.

im sorry this is going on.

it sounds like youve all got a lot going on.
7 years old is prime telling tales age, but yoi need to be careful with it. He mustnt get overdue attention for telling tales. We always tell our kids to tell an adult, but if theyre telling for every single thing, and starting to make stuff up, then they might be getting too much attention for it, plus it will lose them friends and alienate them. Your poor dss is not particularly old either and its not fair on him. start encouranging ways for him to work it out with his brother. Think about why something may have happened rather than just coming along asking for his brother to be told off

have you tried paying for family counselling?

your ds is only very young and you have been together almost all his life. yet there feels like an 'us and them' dynamic. why? is he so naughty at school as well? does he also resent his baby sister? is he well behaved when his step brother is not there?

Yes I have asked him,he just says there is nothing wrong, I gave asked him if he is happy and he says he is.He just said over the false allegations he didn't know why he had done it. My dh is just at the end of his tether tbh my ds often ignores dh when he speaks to him and constantly uses a sad expression to me whilst ignoring what his dad says. We are going to speak with the local GP to see what we can do, I took my ds last week when he had tummy ache and had two days away from school and mentioned it then. I think they are both jealous my step son because of sharing his dad just on the weekend, it's a horrible situation to be in, life is really hard at the moment.

Morning Debbs

I hope you are ok today.

You and your family have had a very difficult few years and I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through.
You are completely correct that this situation cannot continue and I am not an expert in child behaviour but my family is a blended one and we have had many struggles over the years but here is how I see your situation.

Your DS is indeed very jealous of your SDS. He views DH as HIS father because he is there full time and sees SDS as a threat to that.
The upsetting events of the last few years will have affected your son but he is emotionally immature (as any 7 yo would be) to be able to deal with it. Anger is an easy emotion to convey.

It is not impossible to change this situation but I do think you need outside help.
Contact your GP and arrange an appointment where you can discuss everything that is going on. My GP referred my now 11 yo to the young persons group a few years ago and they were fantastic. Also if you have a sure start in your area they can also offer support and help.

You do need to address this quickly as it is not something that will fix itself. Your son will just continue to behave this way as he doesn't understand the implications of his actions and cannot see past that specific moment when he chooses to hit out or lie.

You and your DH need to be seen as a united front by your DS. You need to be saying exactly the same thing to DS when he misbehaves and any punishment given such as X box removed must be stuck with and you must reiterate to DS why he has this punishment and how if he behaves he receives no punishment.

Getting my DS to take responsibility for his actions was the hardest thing to change but a measured and consistent approach by asking him questions did slowly begin to work.

I hope you will be ok and that you get some help soon. Take care OP.

he doesn't know why he did it but hes only little. He cant process and verbalise it well enough yet. you say you always side with your ds, and your dp always sides with his ds. Whats the point of that? How does that sort anything out?

That all sounds very distressing.

I suspect there are lots of things that could be behind it all: DS feeling jealous of his step brother because your DH Is his bio dad, feeling jealous of the attention your DH Gives you, or the toddler, or that he has learned that he has the power to cause rows.

Given you have already had contact with social services, I wonder whether you could explain all thus to your GP and get a referral for Family Therapy? I suspect a professional advisor would quickly see the root of the problem.

I would seek help though, not only to save your relationship but because it sounds as if you have a very unhappy, angry, insecure little boy .

Sorry things are so hard.

Merci can you do that? There does seem to be that your right, no he's good at school, I was in the hospital with his little sister for two days last week as she suffers with her tummy and blockages,dh ds and my ss came to pick us up as soon as ds saw me he started to cry and said ss had dragged him along the floor and hurt him, they we're play wrestling apparently.this started my ss off and my dh, that ds was lying as he was fine when they were all at home playing and everything was fine! No he doesn't resent dd at all he will try and take attention away from her though, he's worse when sb is there

Be back later thank you for this guys

He is desperately jealous of DSD, isn't he?

I think you really have to start ignoring the told tales against DSD, and re-assuring your DS in different ways that he isoved unconditionally and does not need to be telling false tales on anyone.

It may help if your DH can understand that your DS does this exactly because he wants him as his Dad and doesn't want DSD to take over. Get help from a family therapist.

The other concern that your DH swill be having is that if your DS lies about him to SS again, the allergations could jeopardise his relationship and contact with his own son, or with his daughter.
You do need family therapy, always siding with one child, with complete disregard for the facts, or a willingness to unpick a situation, is not a good response in any family. Let alone one as emotionally complex as yours.
You need counselling if you are going to solve this together and survive as a family.

As the mum of a 12 yr old and I have 3 grown up ds too, I think your ss is old enough to be spoken to about the situation and how you believe ds is feeling. Tell him that you know that ds is causing trouble and telling lies at times and that you will not blame him for stuff and that if he does anything to him to tell you and dh rather than hit him back then show him that you will punish ds without the need for physical fights.

We do try and stay neutral but tbh because my ds is younger I always side with him so it could be me that's causing the them and us, we do try and unpick the situ and they just blame each other, half the time we don't know what's true and what isn't. Ds is told he is loved every day and cuddled and kissed so it's not as if he is starved of attention.

You say in your OP, and have just said again, that you always side with him. WHY? When you know he tells malicious lies to get people in trouble? I'd say there is no "could be me that's causing the them and us" - it's a definite.

He knows you love him more than his SB, and more than your partner and he's testing that love.
He is 7, at school he'd be expected to understand and deal with the consequences of lying and to talk through his reasons why. And to face a sanction for it.
Your DD isn't a threat to him at the moment, but unless he develops a more balanced understanding of how a family works, and how he isn't special above and beyond everyone else in the family, I would be concerned about him when she is a little older and watch how he treats her.

Your right balloons layer.
It's like just I have just counted 12 times to eat his breakfast and he is still sitting there eating it now after an hour

No negative consequences to him not eating up, so why should he do what you want him to? It looks like a control issue for him, he is making the choices because he can.

When your oldest is 7 you feel that 11 year olds are hulking teens - but 11 year olds are still vulnerable children.

It is a very precarious situation for your DH because his DS is moving further away, and your DS could well end up believing that he has succesfully 'ousted' his step-brother. Whilst on one level this is what he might think he wants it is actually a very scary thing for a child to believe that families can be broken up so easily, and not great for him to feel that level of both guilt and power.

Again, whereas he might be feeling 'My Dad (step dad) loves step bro more than me so I'll PROVE it by making him show he hates me' as a form of cntrol - setting up a self fulfilling prophesy - if this actually happens of course, he will be left in a worse situation.

You need to save him from himself by imposing the boundaries that he is too immature to have developed.

I would stay very calm, refuse to re-act to any accusations, show that you all value everyone's opinion equally and where it deserves value - i.e is true - and that you and DH maintain a watertight front to ALL the kids. You two together, managing the family.

Ignore tantrums, ignore acting out, don't lose your cool, if he doesn't come for his breakfast after a warning, take it away without fuss or comment. Be consistent. Praise good behaviour, be attentive to him being helpful - e.g if he picks something up for the baby, casually notice and thank or acknowledge him.

Thank you for the advice guys I really appreciate it, I really do feel terrible about the situ with everything else that has happened

Not only that blu dh is terrified that dss will not want to come to us anymore and he will lose him,especially as he is moving away in July and it will become harder for dh because now he can see his ds around town during the week etc , but when he moves this will no longer be possible.

perhaps have a look at the step parenting section. Although you have had good advice here, there are some v knowledgeable peeps over there who have probably got good experience of your situation.

One thing to add ( I have a DSS and a DS) is that you and DH must show a united front at all times. If you always side with your DS you are going to run into very serious issues. Your DD currently lives with both parents, if you don't address these issues then your marriage won't last and you risk breaking up her family too.

It's a good start that you recognise your family needs help.