Help please, our marriage is hanging by a thread due to family issues.

[Debbsy09]

I used to be a regular member of this site but haven't been on here now for about six years but I really need some advice as this is causing everyone in the family to be unhappy.
I have a 7 year old boy from my previous marriage,my husband has an 11 year old boy from his previous marriage and we have a 2 year old little girl together.we gave been together now for six years and married last march, my ds does not have anything to do with his father since the age of 2 and my dh has taken on the role with my ds
.We as a family have been through many challenges over the past 6 years, I became Ill and was in and out of hospital from 2010 to 2012 for stomach problems having major surgery twice, dd been born by emergency c section after nearly losing us both, my mum in and out of hospital over the years after contracting swine flu and nearly dying, to my dear dad been diagnosed with cancer last November to passing away 10 days later.To issues with the family namely my son he has always had a very high demand for my attention and sometimes well daily really it's relentless, the relationship between my ds and his step brother is non exist ant,he constantly tells tales on my step son,he's done this he's done that etc etc, this obviously causes a lot of friction between me and my dh as we argue about it, I always side with my ds and my dh always sides with his ds.its stupid things they fall out about but it's constant!! I hate the weekends so much because I just know there is going to be arguing.To my ds causing upset in the house on a daily basis refusing to eat food that gas been cooked for him saying he doesn't like it, when it know that he does,to not doing as he's told even after been told five or six times.
There was one instant last year when my ds and his step bros had been tussling in the garden my dh separated them and my ds had a mark on his eye from the tussle, the next day my ds was taken to hospital because he had fallen off his scooter whilst with his childminder and cut his chin, the dr asked my ds what he had done to his face he said his dad had punched him! Needless to say we had the police and social workers all over us, we were all interviewed even my two year old daughter,until they were satisfied and my ds eventually admitted that it was an accident caused by the two of them tussling.this understandably gutted my dh and his relationship with my ds has never been the same, he saw this as the ultimate kick in the teeth as he has raising my son as his own,whilst only seeing his son on weekends.Things have got that bad that my step son is now saying to his dad that he is sick of my ds and doesn't want to come,obviously this is very upsetting for my dh, as from July my step son is moving out of the city to be 40 miles away this is also affecting my dh,because of the relationship between the two boys is fractious to say the least!! At the weekend my ds asked his step bros for batteries for his x box, he said he had none, my ds allegedly kicked his step bros in the balls so my step son punched my ds in the face allegedly, this is the first time my step son has hit my ds with intent to hurt him and through temper.This caused ructions in the house with my ds crying constantly( which he does do very easily ) to my dh and myself arguing and dh telling me he can't do this anymore... He loves me but can't be with my ds anymore, for the fear that if ds makes up another story and the social services get involved or the fact that his ds now doesn't want to visit.Please please help I am at my wits end with all of this and just want to run away!! :-( :-(

We do and it's the last thing i want I love my family to bits

Sounds like an awful situ OP. Your ds is little but not so little that he cant wreck your family. From what you've written he sounds like he is making life miserable for you dp and dss. If you want to fix this you need therapy, you need to stop the them and us but most of all you need to put your foot down now when it comes to manipulative tale telling. I think you need to stop rising to the bait and giving him the power in your family. Wishing you so much luck x

Thank you poppet I think your right going to speak with the GP for help

I really feel for you Debbsy.

The one thing I will say is you don't need to remind your son to eat breakfast, he is sat in front of it. It is his way of getting your attention.

If you really need him to be finished by a particular time then tell him he has X amount of time to eat it and then you will remind him 5 minutes before his time is up. No more talk about it, no cajoling. When the time is up remove the food.

My youngest ds would argue about food, complain all the way through dinner but still eat everything on his plate. It was exhausting. We set rules. It may not be his favourite dinner but once in the dining room he is not allowed to moan or complain about it. If he starts doing his exaggerated sigh, he will lose time from Minecraft/tv etc.

He has just turned 8 and the relief of not constantly telling him that I wouldn't discuss how many more mouthfuls is bliss!

We have conversations where I tell both my boys (ds1 is 11) that it is fine to be angry/cross but it is not fine to lash out when we are. I tell them that I love them but I do not like their behaviour. They are choosing their behaviour and I will choose how to react to that in terms of losing something they like doing. But that good behaviour and manners will earn it back.

I truly wish you luck with it all.

Contended I like the last bit I will try that, it's so difficult when ds starts as it upsets the whole house as it's Daily and the tolerance for it is at an all time low, I even blame myself I feel like a failure as a parent, I have even stopped having a glass of wine on an evening, because if that's making me feel even more tired and fractious that won't help the situ.

Thanks, but also maybe for every little thing he does right heap him with praise. That way he sees oh this is what I am meant to be doing.

And equally ignore some bad behaviour, so if he is crying at you but you feel it is just whinging, (I have been here with my own son) I would say, we will talk when you have calmed down. We cannot have a conversation when you are like this.

It gives him an incentive to calm down, you will only engage with him when he is calm. It's not time out, it's chill your boots time.

When my son was calm we would talk about how he calmed himself, what things could he think of to help him and when he was very upset I helped him calm his breathing down as I honestly thought he was going to faint!

This is easier for me because I am a SAHM so I don't have work stress as well as everything else.

My two sons are the best of friends, they play Minecraft and Pokemon together. When they fight it is awful. But we talk about it afterwards. They both admit that it doesn't feel good. And Ds2 often tries to get Ds1 into trouble. I think 7/8 is the awful awwwww looook what he did stage.

You can't blame yourself, that feeling gets you no-where does it? Without sounding like an American psychologist, you have to say what can I do now to help this situation?

Tell him what you expect of him. When I take the children out shopping it is because I have to. I have time in the day to do it without them so they are unused to it. But I lay down rules, and it is as basic as this, I get what I want (shopping) you get what you want (food out, or time on Minecraft later) It also sets it up for future jobs, you do what the company wants, you get paid or you do this chore and you get pocket money.

I hate coming across as some kind of perfect mother and I'm not, far from it, but I have also been that child, the one who wanted attention and I still remember how it all felt.

Can I suggest a couple of things

Firstly discuss calmly a new stratagie with your DH. Sit down and talk him though. Ask him to do try the stratagie for you. And you will do the same for him.

initially your DH needs to make a 100% effort to bond with your son. They need to have a joint hobby they do together. Your son needs to feel liked by DH. Son knows he's disliked and is getting negative attention. You adults need to switch things so he is getting positive attention and lots of it.

You need to bond 100% with DH's son. Have a shared hobby. He needs to feel liked by you.

Ask the boys in a meeting to agree and write up some new house rules.

Also don't bother about food. If he eats, he eats, if he doesn't, he doesn't. Just serve one meal.