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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS1 comes across as gormless

56 replies

Collection · 28/03/2014 13:12

He's not, he's a bright friendly boy but in new or uncomfortable situations he goes completely within himself and answers in grunts.

He's 13 and I can't see him ever walking into a room and someone thinking, I want to get to know you better or I want to employ you.

He's not short of friends and on holiday etc will soon be running around with new mates, but with adults he really comes across badly.

I had to take him to work yesterday (teacher's strike) where he was useful as a runner etc but he barely spoke to anyone, even when spoken to, to the point of rudeness.

What have I done wrong and what can I do to fix it? BTW I understand shyness, I am very much an introvert myself, but I hope not rude.

OP posts:

Brabra · 29/03/2014 08:15

Ahh that is harder. My son is only a little older, but he does seem to have mastered the charm outside the home. I just wish he could save a little for me! I am sure your son will learn the social graces soon enough collection.

JabberJabberJay · 29/03/2014 08:17

He just sounds like he's going through a very awkward stage. Sometimes teenagers can be afraid to interact with other adults in case they embarrass themselves. To avoid this, they close down and act like they're not bothered.

My brothers both went through a grunting/awkward phase. They now work in financial services and the medical sector so try not to worry!

littlemrschatterbox · 29/03/2014 08:17

I was miserable at 13 because my Mum was always trying to push me into things I didn't want to do/say. She seemed unable to accept me for who I was (and still does to a certain extent).

Could the problem actually be you?

atthestrokeoftwelve · 29/03/2014 08:23

littlemrs- very wise words. Exactly how I felt at 13 too.

Quinteszilla · 29/03/2014 08:31

Have you not socialized him wit adults (other than vlose family) in his life up til now?

Delphiniumsblue · 29/03/2014 08:34

It was how I felt at 13 too. I think it becomes about the mother, obviously as a mother you want the child who can make effortless, charming, small talk ,but you have to accept the child that you have. Support but don't try and mould to the one you want. They change, luckily you don't get stuck with your 13 yr old self!

Delphiniumsblue · 29/03/2014 08:35

It is nothing to do with how they are socialised with adults ,as proved when you have more than one child and they are completely different.

Quinteszilla · 29/03/2014 08:47

I don't think it is a personality issue, but related to the ability to talk in confidence when appropriate and when spoken to.

Spaghettinetti · 29/03/2014 08:50

He sounds completely normal to me. Some children are better with adults than others; it is a confidence thing and in time that confidence will grow. Quite a lot of the teenage boys, I've worked with come across as rude, just because they are unsure of how to deal with situations; as he deals with more and more things outside his comfort zone, he'll get more able to deal with other new situations. It's important you let him find his own ways if dealing with things whilst offering gentle guidance, but all in all, I don't think you need to worry.

littlemrschatterbox · 29/03/2014 10:09

I think a good start would be not to judge him. He is 13 and going through times of great change!

Include him in conversations and encourage him.

I was very shy and uncomfortable in my skin at that age. I would like to hope I have turned into a happy and confident adult! At 13, a bit more encouragement and understanding would have helped me far more than all the criticism.

Delphiniumsblue · 29/03/2014 11:11

I think it is entirely a personality issue. I have one who was always able to talk to anyone from when he first spoke to now, one who was always like OP's DS until he was about 17 yrs and now talks quite happily to anyone and one who was a very bubbly, chatty child who went silent about 13yrs and we are still waiting for him to come out the other side and I have no doubt he will.
I was the despair of my mother because I couldn't chat to adults, being very shy, but I will talk to anyone now and can easily cope with public speaking.
The worst handicap is a parent who thinks you should be able to and it is somehow her fault if you don't! Trying to force it is the worst thing and it has nothing to do with how sociable the parents happen to be.
Model being sociable yourself, just insist on being polite and encourage eye contact. Apart from that give them time.

MadBusLady · 29/03/2014 11:32

Am I the only person giggling at the idea of a 13yo boy saying "Thank you, they look delicious"? I'm a very polite and quite poshly spoken adult woman and even I wouldn't say anything as fauntleroyish as that. I don't think the teaching of phrases is a great idea TBH, it'll just sound a bit fake.

Fairenuff · 29/03/2014 11:37

He sounds perfectly normal for his age. His peers will be seeing a completely different side to him and in two or three years time, when he is looking for work, he will be able to talk appropriately with potential employers.

Grennie · 29/03/2014 11:38

My DP's brother was like this, until well into his late teens. He now has an extremely highly paid job and manages a large staff team. Give him time.

MrsSteptoe · 29/03/2014 11:49

MadBusLady No, I giggled too. Though my MIL (whom I adore) asked DS if he'd come out to lunch with her recently at a formerly fashionable (but now just rather tired and overpriced) Chelsea restaurant. He replied "Yes! I'd be delighted!"

I didn't actually teach him that phrase, but I have been encouraging him to try to be a bit less monosyllabic in his answers to adults. I think I might just leave him alone now I've read this thread.

MrsSteptoe · 29/03/2014 11:51

Oops, that post would have been more effective if I'd remembered to qualify that DS is 10!

ghostinthecanvas · 29/03/2014 11:56

My DS was a very quiet 13 year old. Monosyllabic didn't cover it! He got himself a job at 15. Never looked back. The idea of him on a supermarket checkout chatting filled me with horror. He was great.

Delphiniumsblue · 29/03/2014 13:15

There is nothing more designed to send a child into their shell more than a parent trying to drag them out of it!

gamerchick · 29/03/2014 13:18

You're supposed to add a gushy sentence to thankyou?

He's 13.. they mostly all talk in grunts for a bit, give the lad a break.

mumeeee · 29/03/2014 15:30

Sounds normal to me.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 29/03/2014 15:43

I have a video of myself at he age of 13, some relatives from abroad ( who I barely knew) came to visit our family. Someone thought fit to film some of the jolly family get together. I watch myself, stiff as a board, wishing the world would swallow me up, and my mother nudging my calf with her foot wanting me to say someting witty, entertaining, possibly anything, being a little embarrassed that I was so silent and "sullen".
"Luckily" my father broke the silence by announcing that his "little girl" was now wearing a bra.
Priceless.

TittyNotSusan · 29/03/2014 15:58

atthe!

That sounds exactly like me at that age!

My mum once said she thinks I only came out of myself when I discovered alcohol at university! I'm not sure I'll be recommending that for my DD for a few years yet!

matana · 31/03/2014 08:26

I actually see where the op is coming from. And I think it's wrong to just pass it off as a 'teenager' thing when it could well be personality. Some might actually need a bit of encouragement (which is different to pushiness). My eldest sister and I were very easy teenagers and are not much different as adults. My other sister was a stroppy mare of a teenager and is likewise quite a difficult adult. Likewise I have 2 stepdaughters. One is breezing through 14 and is a delight to be around, the other has had a difficult few years socially but is extremely academic and shy. She is coming out of her shell more now she has a part time job. Admittedly I don't have much experience with teenage boys though. Has he always been shy op or do you think it's his age? Is there something he enjoys doing that could help with his confidence around adults with some encouragement? Does he like music or team sports? Is there a good adult male role model he looks up to?

LongTimeLurking · 01/04/2014 16:46

Sounds like the problem is more with the OP than the child to me.

You say he makes friends in his peer group and interacts with them well, what else can you expect at 13?

"I can't see him ever walking into a room and someone thinking, I want to get to know you better or I want to employ you. "

Stop comparing him to adults. He is a 13 year old child not 21y/o a graduate looking for a job or girlfriend.

And to be honest I'm not sure you do understand shyness. Being an introvert (preferring own company) is not the same as being shy or anxious. You sound very unsympathetic and judgmental.

thornrose · 01/04/2014 16:55

which is why it came as such a shock to me to seem him perform so badly at work.

Your use of the word 'perform' is interesting!

I would've found going into work with my mum and meeting all her colleagues very difficult at 13.

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