How to pick up/carry/deal with tantrumming toddler in public?

[cyberfairy]

Just had awful awful experience in town and left in tears and really shaken. My just turned three year old has always been prone to the occasional tantrum but it has really escalated. Yesterday, when he refused to move and lay down on pavement, I pretended to walk away as he always follows me (eventually) but I was aware it looked like he was on his own crying and felt uncomfortable with it as people were looking and may not have known I was nearby.

Today was AWFUL. He wanted to go to a pizza restaurant and I said no so he started tantrumming and tantrumming on the pavement. I had already arranged to meet a friend in another cafe but as he was being so awful, told him we would not go there either after he refused to get up off floor.

I had read that rather than try to remove them, it was best to just stand there, be calm and ignore them which I did (despite lots of strange looks) but he just carried on and on so I had to try and carry him as he was in the way of people but with heavy shopping bags and handbag swinging, it was so hard with him fighting- tried to be calm but was so mortified with everyone staring and he kept slipping down, fighting me, (I was hurting him trying to cling on) and running off towards 'cafe'.

I did then lose it and shout at him and threaten him as was so desperate and I am aware I probably did the wrong thing constantly- told him he could not have his new toy (for being good) unless he walked nicely but that just made his legs buckle and tantrum even more.

A friend arrived who he loves and she tried to be stern with him and pick him up which made things worse as he screamed for me but then still would not walk. He only stopped when I threatened to phone the police then called up my partner and said what was happening and as he thought I was talking to the police, he got up, started walking very nicely and apologised! This approach is not the best I know but at that point I was so desperate I didn't care.

Sorry for essay- need a vent. So scared there will be a post about the awful mum on another section on mumsnet!

So what is the best thing to do next time it happens? Being calm and ignoring just prolongs the misery and can't always be done ( eg if I am on way to work and his childminder or he is in way of people and he is liable to fall asleep from tantrum exhaustion)

I am too physically weak and small to just scoop him up over my shoulders if I have bags and he is kicking. Threats make him even angrier.

I have written too much- sorry. Arrrgh!

Showy I love all your suggestions! I think maybe the moral for me is to always have somewhere to put DD that isn't the sling so I can get hands on with DS...

I think most onlookers are probably looking on in sympathy having experienced it! I probably wouldn't have "called the police" because dc need to trust police if they're ever in trouble, not see them as a threat and also because it's authority displacement. But I sympathise and understand you must have been at the end of your tether. I've tried various methods and have never had to resort to carrying ds out, but that's because while he can be a little firecracker, he tends to get over things pretty quickly. I've tried all of the following:

• ignoring and retreating, saying "I'll be over here when you want to use your words to tell me how you feel"
• getting down to his level, whispering so he has to calm down to hear what I'm saying
• bribery
• distraction: "ooh, let's go and have a penny race in the spinney charity collection box!"
• humour
• acknowledging his feelings but explaining why/ why not
• getting exasperated and shouting (clearly the least effective but I'm only human

It's exhausting finding ways to take them out of it. I think I've just been lucky that one method usually works. Ds doesn't hold grudges for long bless him!

My eldest is now 26 but I still remember her throwing a mega tantrum in Asda when she was small. Luckily for me she was wearing dungarees, so I just picker her up by the back of the straps and carried her out horizontal! I than put her in the back of the car and sat on the bonnet whilst she got it out of her system. You have my sympathies dealing with your child, but ultimately it is a battle you have to win.

murphy

"DS isn't at this stage yet so not sure it works. I do highlight 'treats' are for good behaviour in general, not in slots, but 'treats' is just anything I know he likes and doesn't get everyday."

That can backfire

Thanks again- some great suggestions to try to memorise. Excellent strategies Showy

Been fine since then although we have not been to town and pretty much done what he wanted to do anyway- been bigging up how lovely the police are, said I was going to ring because you ask police for help and I wanted a lift home.

Evilly glad others are going through it and yes, so many people are lovely- to be fair, most elderly ladies as well- think you get paranoid when child having tantrum and think all eyes on you.

I try to look away when I see someone battling with similar so they feel less visible but to them might look as if I am turning my head away in disgust or horror...

I was a fan of 'under the arm like taking a piglet to market' approach. And a swift karate chop push to the middle to stop that ironing board thing.

Oh that's such a horrible experience isn't it? Feeling everyone is watching. Mostly they are thinking 'poor you' and remembering their own battles, so don't worry.

Mine are all bigger now (we get teenage tantrums instead!) but I remember one of mine tantrumming mightily in a pedestrianed shopping centre and me picking him up calmly (ha ha, in a total tearful tizz actually) and walking back to the car (bloody miles, of course).

I'd put him on my hip as you normally carry a toddler, whereupon he grabbed my hair and pulled it really hard with both hands all the way back to the car. Whilst shrieking his head off, of course. When I was putting him in his car seat I leant over and he bit me on the face!

I strapped him in, closed the door and had to walk some distance away before sitting on pavement edge and bawling my eyes out! I felt so humiliated and like everyone had watched me deal with it really badly: he'd got more and more cross and I'd got more and more tearful. I went quicker and quicker until I felt I just looked like a mad woman abducting a toddler at high speed! Whilst having her head yanked from side to side and crying her eyes out.

Luckily my mum was following along behind with all my abandoned shopping, coats, the pushchair. She calmed him down and then had to calm me down.

16 years ago...and it's like it was yesterday. Don't worry. You did a good job. And we've all been there.

I think all you can do is stay quiet but firm. Other people will know the child is just havign a tantrum and that you are dealing with it fine if you just keep any talking quiet and calm. Then the child is the one making the fuss, not you, so it is obvious to anyone that they are simply being a toddler. I know it is hard to stay calm when they are being very noisy or lying down on the floor etc but it does make it easier if you keep telling yourself that the child is only three and you are not!! I still pick mine up if I have to (she is 3 and 3 months) but she weighs 18kg and is 104cm tall so it hurts like hell when she is struggling and kicking me, and I try to avoid as much of that as possible. I do employ the walking away saying "well, Mummy's going home/to the cafe/to eat cake now" but again - this does not work if other people see her doing her hang-dog expression and calling plaintively "Mummy, mummy, Vait vor me!" or "Mummeeeee, ver are voo?" and think she is lost! I'm only about a meter away but kind old ladies often intervene - this does at least make me very glad to find out that so many people actually care enough to stop and try to help a child who looks lost so I just tell them "she's just having a "moment"" and they usually give you a knowing look! Try not to worry what other are thinking, anyone with a toddler will understand and those withought kids, well they're no idea anyway so you can ignore them, heh heh! As long as you remain calm and talk quietly then you are in control of yourself (the child is not in control of you or themselves at this point) so remember you can only win from there on!! As soon as the child looks a bit sad or teary (as opposed to angry) or just starts to calm down offer comfort/hugs and very briefly aknowledge that they were cross and what it was about if you know, before offering an incentive to moving on (such as something they want to do/buy/eat) and move on.

Brilliant advice from gourd, I think. I did learn that was the best approach, eventually!

The only thing I've found that worked is walking away (or pretending to) and hiding behind a nearby corner so I can still see dd. Only done this in shops though, not on the street. I've done the rugby ball pickup too if I've had to.

One other thing that worked this weekend on a visit to an aquarium, an unknown 4 yr old girl came over and gently helped my dd to her feet. Dd was so surprised she just said 'Ta' and forgot all about her tantrum. If you can find an amenable child nearby give it a go :)

Just reading this thread and thinking phew after my DD had an epic tantrum at bluewater yesterday. I've got a bad back at the moment but from somewhere I summoned the strength to pick her up & march through the starring shoppers. And yes she was tired- fell asleep in the car 10 mins later. I've also had the most lovely ladies say to me "you did really well there" and "gosh that takes me back" when dealing with tantrums in a shop where she wanted something. It's horrible, it's embarrassing, as much as you think you might have it sussed & be as cool as a cucumber there will be a time when you are too tired/hot/ in a rush to make a wonderful job of it. It's one of those shit parts of parenting that you only really relish on their 18th/21st birthday when you can relay the tales to their mates!

I have used most of the above techniques at one time or another.

DD also liked the polar bear scenario where a bear was chasing us and hiding behind things and she had to keep spotting him and throwing him food.

DS loved the game where we were little cars that had to refuel on manhole covers, balance on wobbly bridges above mud, sink into the grass and have to be pulled out etc.

They also couldn't resist mummy being wrong, so I would say 'when you have finished your tantrum we need to go and buy some carrots, some lovely blue carrots....they are the ones that are round like footballs'

Ds is 19 months and haven't had this problem yet but I'm loving this thread and taking notes. Especially loving the sit beside him and read a book one. I'm absolutely up for that .

Hugs and kisses Gloria ? You're a bloody genius. So that's where generations of parents have been going wrong. If only someone had thought of that sooner. It's like those people who say "I just wouldn't allow it"

I know serious lols at the hugs and kisses here... I'm presuming somebody was taking the piss?

Sympathy from here too. Mine is just 3, 106cms and 20kgs. Picking her (yes, her) up is only an option if you're carrying nothing else. The escalation of the bad behaviour over the last 3-4 months has taken me by surprise. The only positive is that she seems to forget more quickly what it was all about in the first place so we can finish what we started out to do!

My dd1 Was like this and the pushchair is the only solution in that situation unless you have time to wait it out. In my experience if they get to the tantrum stage they are too far gone to give a sh!t about rewards or punishments or cuddles.

My ds Has never had a tantrum and we gave up the pushchair at age 2!

Avoiding situ In which tantrum will happen is a good tip but not always poss and takes time to work out triggers. Tiredness, being overheated or hungry were key triggers for my dd.

Usually I count to three, and he is threatened with cancelling whatever we are doing / toys taken away / TV switched off.
Ultimate sanction is phone call to Santa (to come and collect all his toys). Works every time as last resort.

If he is really hysterical I have to pick him up and calm him. (Under one arm works best to get a good grip.)

I feel your pain. My DS is really strong and I am only 5' so for me to pick him up or move him anywhere looks like Im really hurting him but I'm not. I gave up and just let him get on with his tantrum which is easy as he is very, very loud.

I've long gone past caring how people are looking at me apart from today when some other parents told my DS to stop being so horrible to me and to do as he was told! I'm just hoping that when he starts school in Sept he might calm down.

My 5 year old tantrums so much when u try to sit him in his pushchair. He throws himself on the floor stamping his feet, screaming I know this isn't normal for a 5 year old too do. He gets so violent with these paddies he has well it's not even a paddy its worse than that he hits me, bites, kicks, spits, headbutt me till he get his way but i dont let him get his own way. Yeah the tantrums are worse but I never give in I always say to him if ur going to act like a baby mummy will treat you like one by putting a diaper on you and a dummy and feeding you milk do you want that but he don't listen to that still the tantrums carry on. So to get him in his pushchair I sit him up weather he's bolting or not then I slow get him up at the moment he's jumping up and dont through temper then I pick him up by putting my hand under his legs and with my friend being there aswell I get her to open the straps up ready so when I'm holding him in she quickly scraps him in. He is still tantruming so I lay the pushchair back put a dummy in his mouth and take his shows off as he's acting like a baby I told him I would treat him like one..
He still hasn't stopped so I don't no what to do anymore? Any help please

Hi. First of all, sorry you are having such a tough time. There's a lot of stuff in your post and I think you're more likely to get helpful responses if you start your own thread and try to set out any relevant background in it. For instance it's pretty unusual IME for a 5 yo to be in a pushchair unless they have additional needs of some kind - can you provide some information on that? Also, the frequency/severity of behaviour?

Hi. First of all, sorry you are having such a tough time. There's a lot of stuff in your post and I think you're more likely to get helpful responses if you start your own thread and try to set out any relevant background in it. For instance it's pretty unusual IME for a 5 yo to be in a pushchair unless they have additional needs of some kind - can you provide some information on that? Also, the frequency/severity of behaviour?