How to pick up/carry/deal with tantrumming toddler in public?

[cyberfairy]

Just had awful awful experience in town and left in tears and really shaken. My just turned three year old has always been prone to the occasional tantrum but it has really escalated. Yesterday, when he refused to move and lay down on pavement, I pretended to walk away as he always follows me (eventually) but I was aware it looked like he was on his own crying and felt uncomfortable with it as people were looking and may not have known I was nearby.

Today was AWFUL. He wanted to go to a pizza restaurant and I said no so he started tantrumming and tantrumming on the pavement. I had already arranged to meet a friend in another cafe but as he was being so awful, told him we would not go there either after he refused to get up off floor.

I had read that rather than try to remove them, it was best to just stand there, be calm and ignore them which I did (despite lots of strange looks) but he just carried on and on so I had to try and carry him as he was in the way of people but with heavy shopping bags and handbag swinging, it was so hard with him fighting- tried to be calm but was so mortified with everyone staring and he kept slipping down, fighting me, (I was hurting him trying to cling on) and running off towards 'cafe'.

I did then lose it and shout at him and threaten him as was so desperate and I am aware I probably did the wrong thing constantly- told him he could not have his new toy (for being good) unless he walked nicely but that just made his legs buckle and tantrum even more.

A friend arrived who he loves and she tried to be stern with him and pick him up which made things worse as he screamed for me but then still would not walk. He only stopped when I threatened to phone the police then called up my partner and said what was happening and as he thought I was talking to the police, he got up, started walking very nicely and apologised! This approach is not the best I know but at that point I was so desperate I didn't care.

Sorry for essay- need a vent. So scared there will be a post about the awful mum on another section on mumsnet!

So what is the best thing to do next time it happens? Being calm and ignoring just prolongs the misery and can't always be done ( eg if I am on way to work and his childminder or he is in way of people and he is liable to fall asleep from tantrum exhaustion)

I am too physically weak and small to just scoop him up over my shoulders if I have bags and he is kicking. Threats make him even angrier.

I have written too much- sorry. Arrrgh!

I'm the one that needs the hugs and kisses not the screaming toddler!
Mine gets flipped upside down if I can't just leave her to it, tends to get her giggling after a while and we can move on.
I do pity my husband though as if she melts down when with him she just screams for me and he is convinced someone is going to accuse him of child abduction one day.

Mine were used to reins (I had 2 bolters, 2 years apart). Even if I wasn't using the reins, the harness would always go on with the coat. Very useful to grab when wrestling with a tantrumming toddler. They can't slither out of your hands.

Oh I feel your pain! Fortunately it was summer when my dd went through this and I had a rather unorthodox approach. Every time she started I just sat down on the floor next to her and pulled out a book. Passers by would giggle and dd usually got embarrassed out of it whilst I pretended I wasn't there.
Failing that, I find the firemans lift a marvellous help these days. Good luck!

DS is 9yo & pulled a pavement tantrum today. His teenage brother became furious even though I pointed out that he (now teenager) used to do the same until at least 6yo.

My other 2 DC never did it, sigh.

I used to carry a book & plonk down to read it until DS1 had finished.

Loving the 'sit down with a book' approach

Watching this thread for tips. Although Dd is only 15 months she is already showing the signs of being a bloody nightmare spirited toddler.

I am dreading the judgy stares.

If its the word no he reacts to can you tell him when he can do something 'sadly we can't have pizza today but if you are a really good boy we could have some tomorrow'. You are avoiding the word no yet telling him he can't have what he wants right now in a softer way.

Also make sure you are consistent and avoid giving attention to tantrums.

Also is he tired or hungry? Both can set tantrums off.

What about some kind of reward when you get home if he behaves well in town.

I feel your pain.
The buggy and I are still bonded for this reason. If it is a short distance I will carry him whichever way I can, rugby ball hold, across the body with thrown off boots in my hands also.
Can't do long distances, so he goes in the pram and is strapped in.

Kisses and cuddles don't work for mine either.

You've already identified the rucksac to leave your hands free.
Across my body is my preference, tho I have been known to carry him upside down when all else failed - it was only a very short distance. I don't recommend that for very far.

I've been there. I hold dd across my tummy with one arm supporting her shoulders and neck, the other between her legs. She has had a number of meltdowns on the school run and it's not fair on the other kids if we have to wait 15mins for her to calm down so I take no notice of the tantrum and hoik her along kicking and screaming.

Also laughing at kisses and cuddles sorting them out darn it thats where I went wrong

The worst tantrum my dd had was in town when she wanted to show me the wrong way back to the car and I unreasonably insisted we went the right way. It was horrendous, she screamed, kicked, threw herself around and tried to bite me when I went anywhere near her

I somehow dragged her back to the car still screaming her head off, threw her into her seat - somehow strapped her in (think a pissed off octopus having a bad day) and got her home still tantrumming!! I shit you not, it went on and on and on and on!!! Eventually she wore herself out and fell asleep!!

I am still traumatised 5 years on (dd is now 8yo!)

Start taking his buggy out again until he's past this stage, it's almost impossible to reason with a tantrumming just 3yo.
He has a meltdown he gets a chance to calm down then gets strapped in the buggy to tantrum there.
Once he calms down he can walk again. Keep repeating until he gets the message.

Meant to say you have my sympathy, all three of mine have gone through this phase!

My sympathies.
I think we need a national campaign to tell stupid judgy onlookers the best way to deal with witnessing a tantrum, maybe a tv ad telling us to look the other way when a child is commanding attention.
I hate to reward a tantrum so im in the calm oblivious to it camp, like to just be too busy to notice until its over, public places and friends houses are so stressful tho.

Aww cyberfairy, it sucks when that happens. Have some brackets ((( )))

One thing you are absolutely not is a bad mum. I would second the buggy advice above, I'm not planning to give ours up any time soon even though DD is walking well. When she blows, there is no reasoning or wrangling with her of any kind. And she's big, strong and determined. No way I can carry her any distance.

I have a 19kg 2.3yo who throws spectacular tantrums! I had to carry him under my arm screaming, wailing, kicking etc. past a huge queue of tutting old ladies yesterday, while also carrying his 11wo brother in a sling, my huge handbag and the changing bag! I honestly don't know where I got the strength maybe it was the judgy stares

Totally identify with wrong way back to car tantrum!
Many thanks again- boy been angelic all evening and yes, he was probably tired and possibly hungry ladyquinoa so we were on our way to a cafe but just not the one he wanted and thus he was so foul I would not inflict him on anyone in another cafe and did not want to give in to his constant cafe demands!

We were 10 minutes walk to home and lunch but it became an hour and have done all the soft calm ' not today but later or tomorrow' approach and talked about stickers and rewards etc but if he loses it, he is just gone- my thoughtful, clever affectionate little boy is just a writhing monster (before lying on the floor screaming, he counted thirty steps quite happily) and I can't reach him, no matter what I say.

I try not to give attention to tantrums but sometimes I need to- I need to get to work so he needs to get dressed etc- I get up an hour earlier than I need to to give me emergency time on the offchance a tantrum occurs.

Utterly loving the book idea!

Kisses and cuddles are a huge no- no until he is starting to calm down and buggy a no-no as he hates it and has learnt to unclip himself. He used to have a rucsack with reigns but got rid of it as he hated it so became 'good'. To be fair, has been for a while- generally the second I become smug all hell breaks loose.

Thanks again everyone- you (and wine) have saved my sanity and made me feel less awful. He will be an angel tomorrow with daddy around..

Oh, and I can't just ignore him as he runs off. Like, as in not a backwards glance, sprinting away. And he's bloody fast!

Featherbag all respect to you! You do get that determination from somewhere but it is hard- I have never ever once given in to a tantrum or a rude demand for something but he has escalated his outrageousness recently. I am going to go and read a good novel now (and pop it in my handbag)
All thanks again xx

Utmost sympathy to your OP - sounds horrible!

Just wanted to say - personally, I don't agree it's a good idea to teach a child that police officers are a source of punishment, and are to be feared. It's far more likely that a small child might need their help if they got lost or into trouble, than need to be punished by them for doing wrong. So I try to encourage DS to view police officers as helpers and protectors, myself. I wouldn't want him thinking he needed to run and hide from them.

Just my view, of course.

I agree totally with you puntasticusername and have always told him that police are nice (including his uncle!) I have told him police are there to help if you are in trouble and hate him being scared of them- I never taught him they were a source of punishment, the other way around- however when he refused to move off the pavement and I was desperate, I mentioned phoning the police because he was in the way of people who might fall over him to see if it would make him move- which it did.
Had a talk tonight about behaviour and how nice the police are- going to avoid shops as much as possible for a few weeks to see if it makes a difference.

My two year old is having dreadful tantrums at the moment. We've had four very public tantrums this week on four days, it's been a miserable week and I really do sympathise. Like your little boy, once she's gone she's gone and nothing, not even bribes will get her to calm down.

I've tried wrestling her into buggies or her carseat but her strength amazes me, yesterday I obviously hadn't managed to do her straps up tight enough, as she was bucking and arching her back, hanging out of her seat, whilst repeatedly whacking me. She then managed to get her arms out of her straps of her carseats whilst I was driving. I find fighting her into buggies often draws more disapproving looks than letting her get on with lying on the floor screaming.

The other thing that really frustrates me is when she does finally stop screaming, if I try to address her behaviour by telling her it's not acceptable that just sets her off screaming again! I just remind her how pissed off she is and the tantrum starts up again!

I really wish I had a magic cure I could tell you! So far I've found trying to ignore it is probably the best option although I feel awful at the time and wish the ground would swallow us up so I wouldn't get "looked" at by the old ladies. If I ride it out there is at least a chance we can get home without having to wrestle her

Featherbag. I have just had a flashback to several years ago when I had to get my similarly built and similarly behaving 2.3 year old across the road whilst his little sister was in a sling on my chest.

Cue he ended up being lifted across the road by the hood of his coat, I presume I must have grabbed it as he ran off. Whilst I lifted him across the road by his hood, all 4 limbs and lungs going for it, the obligatory disapproving looking little old lady was watching me. She really gets around.

I remember Ds1 having a meltdown in the street - lying on the pavement screeching, arms and legs flailing. A little old lady stepped round him very carefully, smiled at me and said "don't you worry love, they all do that sometimes".
So there are some nice little old ladies around.

We had one of these at the GP last week when he didn't want to leave as there was a horse ornament he liked on GP's desk. I had newborn DD in carrier so very understanding GP removed DS bodily from the surgery. He then continued in the street alongside slow moving rush hour traffic, all drivers staring. I kept trying to put him in the buggy but he did the thing where they go all stiff... He was hitting, screaming, lying on the (wet) pavement., running off down the street Was awful! Then suddenly he just stopped. I have no idea how I could have helped short of possibly recognising the signs he was tired or whatever and preempting it.
Anyway I feel your pain and I'm writing all these suggestions down!

DD never tantrummed. She was the most biddable, sweet, kind child. Held hands, skipped along beside you, offered to carry bags. Never frustrated, never cross. I won the lottery clearly.

Then ds descended upon the earth like a fiery devil and the world as I knew it turned upside down. Managing his behaviour is a 24/7 job. His ability to tantrum is admirable. But I'm getting much better at knowing how to tackle it. He's 2.5 and I am much better off knowing the trigger for the tantrum and trying to avoid it. Hunger and fatigue are the main culprits. Hunger is easy. Snacks to hand at all time. Fatigue is not so easy but I do try and plan for him not being tired when we're doing something triggering like shopping. Otherwise, I find there are a few things that work. The unexpected is my biggest weapon. So as soon as I pick up on the subtle signs of a tantrum brewing, I swing him upside down or shout 'ooh a fly in a web, I'm a big hairy spider coming to gobble you up'. Yes, I sound like a total wazzock, chirruping 'I'm a horse without a knight' and other such crap exciting stuff but it does work a lot of the time. It focuses his mind and causes him to pause. A well-timed question does this too. As soon as I sense the domino effect of the tantrum approaching, a quick 'oh my goodness what is THAT?' and a quickly selected tree root (is it a snake, ds, a rope leading to a trapdoor, a wizard's lost staff babble babble, distract distract') refocuses his energy.

Sometimes, if he's in a good mood, well rested and well fed, he can be offered the opportunity to manage his own behaviour. I acknowledge the problem with a 'yes ds I see you are cross/sad/disappointed' and 'wouldn't it be lovely if we could eat all of the chocolate in the world but we cannot so what shall we do instead? Here are your options, pick one. He's managing this approach more and more these days.

If all else fails, I hoick him up and hold him firmly, arms and legs pinned and shhhhhhhhhhh quietly in his ear, encourage him to breathe slowly, keep my voice low, soft, calm and keep him close to me. This often calms him too if he's just let things run away and he can't get his thoughts ordered. He feels safe.

Occasionally, nothing works and I favour slinging him across my body, holding him close, marching and chatting nonsensically to him until it passes.