Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My son won't hit back......

51 replies

Sel00357112 · 05/02/2014 07:13

My son won't hit back! I have been brought up to fight back, never to hit anyone first, but always hit back.
I'm scared my son will become a target for bullies, what shall I do?

OP posts:

SpottyTeacakes · 05/02/2014 07:19

Ffs

17leftfeet · 05/02/2014 07:24

Good on him

Monkeyandanimal · 05/02/2014 07:29

I wish mine wouldn't. Seriously, hitting is not to be encouraged for any reason.

grabaspoon · 05/02/2014 07:30

My dc doesn't hit back either

they tell an adult

Meglet · 05/02/2014 07:30

Good.

LottieJenkins · 05/02/2014 07:31

I would say well done to your son. I told my son when he was younger that if he hit back then it made him as bad as the person that hit him in the first place. He was told to walk away and tell an adult!!

OneStepCloser · 05/02/2014 07:32

Sounds like a really nice boy, my son has been taught not to hit back as well.

hootloop · 05/02/2014 07:34

For goodness sake, you shouldn't want him to hit back, I like most people have actively discouraged it.

ParsingFancy · 05/02/2014 07:34

I would say "interesting first post."

But it's not even interesting.

MirandaWest · 05/02/2014 07:37

I doubt you'll get much support here for saying your son won't hit back as generally I think mumsnetters aren't keen on people using physical violence as a way to react to physical violence. Including me.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 05/02/2014 07:51

Ditto to all the comments. Schools take a dim view of hitting back too.

LottieJenkins · 05/02/2014 08:01

I don't think the OP has got the response she expected!!

TamerB · 05/02/2014 08:06

Maybe he is being the adult here!

LeBearPolar · 05/02/2014 08:08

What ParsingFancy said.

Mojang · 05/02/2014 08:11

How old is he?

My dad bought me a blow up toy that fell down when you punched it and taught me to punch properly when I was 3

It was stupid advice that I never followed, although I suppose it is good to know I know how to throw a punch without breaking my thumb, I've never actually done it.

The bigger concern is why he should frequently have the need to "hit back". Is it one child specifically or is your DS a target for lots of children?

What are you doing about that?

mummyxtwo · 05/02/2014 10:26

Agreed with above comments. We taught our ds1 not to hit back. It's not okay to retaliate. If we all tell our children it's okay to hit back then we'll create a culture of hitting. How do we stop children from hitting in the first place if you've taught them that it's okay to hit when provoked? Probably the child who hits first thinks he has been provoked in one way or another. Of course none of us want our children to be bullied, but that isn't an excuse. Don't teach your child to stand there cowed and helpless, teach him to have the self-confidence and sense of integrity to say "that's not okay, I'm not going to hit you back, but I will walk away." Ds1 is not a wallflower, he is confident and doesn't take nonsense.

mrswarbouys · 05/02/2014 12:52

Let's not be too harsh on the O.P here, after all, the intervention of adults doesn't always work.

teach him to have the self-confidence to say "that's not okay, I'm not going to hit you back, but I will walk away." Admirable sentiments mummyxtwo

But I think the problem can be that that can lead to even more bullying, name calling, like 'he's a coward and a tell-tale. (These are children after all). You're right to say confident and taking no nonsense is the way to be, but I think a boy needs to defend himself if he's cornered and someone is throwing punches at him. I've 2 girls and I try to continuously drive it home that no matter what names they're being called, or what has been written on the internet about them, they should get violent. And live in hope...

mrswarbouys · 05/02/2014 13:39

They should NOT get violent.. Sorry.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 05/02/2014 14:09

Why the difference between boys and girls?

mummyxtwo · 05/02/2014 14:24

I guess it depends on your moral instincts. Our opinion is that violence is wrong, therefore not justified in any circumstances. I personally think that ds1's long term morals and sense of what is right and wrong is paramount. That said, of course I don't want him to be bullied. Tbh we would be unlikely to be very harsh on him if he was being pushed around and he hit back in response, in part because we know that would be out of character for him. But we wouldn't say that it is okay to do that. We would tell him that isn't how we think it is best to react in that situation and that isn't how we want him to behave. There are a couple of boys in ds1's class who hit quite a lot. I can't speak as someone whose child has been the target of bullying though, I can't imagine how awful and upsetting that would be and I don't want to make it sound like I don't appreciate that. But we're talking about how you teach your child to react in the playground if another child hits them though. Regardless of your moral take on hitting, if we all told our children it was okay to hit back then the playground would just be full of kids thumping each other all lunchtime.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 05/02/2014 14:48

My son was bullied at school.

He never hit back and as a result the school staff were very supportive to him and came down on the bullies and their families like a ton of bricks- the situation was resolved.

If my son had hit back the school would have seen it as a fight and conflict- my son would have been judged partially to blame and would not have had the support he did.

mrswarbouys · 05/02/2014 15:14

Sorry mummyxtwo I don't want to sound like I'm picking a row with you, I feel this is more a dilemma than an argument anyway.

My moral instincts, or 'take' is, I hope the same as all level-headed, sentient, human beings and that is that violence is abhorrent. But there are all kinds of shades of grey here.

You say Don't teach your child to stand there cowed and helpless But what does that actually look like or mean if you have a child alone, cornered and being struck by a bully? Would you like to see your child fall to the ground crying and take the blows until the bully is satisfied he's hurt him enough, or fight his way out and get away? I know you hate it, (the violence that is) so do I, but these situations do very sadly occur and quite often.

violence is wrong, therefore not justified in any circumstances.

I don't agree, I believe that in exceptional circumstances the moderate use of violence to defend ourselves is justified. I mean I wouldn't wag my finger at Jews trapped in the Warsaw Ghetto by the Nazis, awaiting the gas chamber, for trying to shoot their way out.

As I said, it's up to us to teach our kids the importance of not responding to every bit of physical, playground argy- bargy by throwing punches and wrestling people to the ground. But to judge what kind of situations they can defend themselves in. When and how best to do that.

BuzzardBird · 05/02/2014 15:19

I, for one will be glad when all the schools are open again.

angelinajollybutcher · 05/02/2014 15:19

You are lucky to have such a response from your son's school atthestrokeof My son was bullied at school and the school did absolutely nothing effective to stop it.. My husband had to go to the bullies house and confront the parents himself. It calmed down afterwards .

atthestrokeoftwelve · 05/02/2014 15:25

angelina- thankfully we live in different times. I was bullied at school too, but nowdays schools have an obligation to take bullying seriously and if they don't there are plenty ways we can escalate the situation to make sure it is resolved.

Flip

1 2 3