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Original poster

Worried - 3 year old tantrums and pre school

32 replies

Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 09:10

My dd has just turned 3 and started pre school yesterday. She has aways been 'strong willed' and will throw a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way. I have been using the 123 method and a naughty corner and although the tantrums still occur they are becoming shorter and less frequent.

The problem is she started pre school yesterday and when I picked her up after her first session they said she had tantrums a few times throughout the 3 hour session particularly at structured times like not wanting to sit for registration, not waiting for all the children to sit down at snack time and not waiting her turn on the climbing toys.

They said she just needs to get used to the routine but I know her and know she will take a while to do this. When I arrived to collect her I knew straight away she had been naughty by the looks I was getting from staff, there was another mum collecting a new starter and they were all smiles with her saying that he had a star for good behaviour etc and then when it came to me they gave me a sort of fake smile. I know it sounds silly but it just made me feel awful. I could tell dd had been crying too which didn't help.

Im dreading taking her to her next session tomorrow, I'm worried that she is disrupting the the children and that the staff think she is a nightmare and that she is going to spend the whole time being told off and not enjoying it.

TBH I was unsure whether to start her this term anyway as I was worried about the tantrums and also her speech is still not great. I wasn't sure that she was ready but the pre school reassured me that she would be fine. Now I wish I had waited.

Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it out as I have been worrying all night.

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Amy106 · 21/01/2014 09:17

She is only three and she has just started. She will need more time to adjust to preschool. Try not to worry too much about the tantrums. I am sure the staff has dealt with this before. Monitor the situation and see how she is after awhile. Did she enjoy it? Does she want to go back? Good luck, OP. I know it's tough when you aren't sure of the right decision for your child.

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 09:32

Thank you. Yes she said she enjoyed it but said she had been a naughty girl. I suppose I will just have to give it it some time, it's just horrible feeling as if your child is the naughty one in class.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/01/2014 10:12

How are the staff handling her not wanting to do those things? Have they said what is triggering the tantrums? Are they forcing her to conform or is she upset just because she is being asked to do things?

I would be asking a bit more to be honest. Some children take a while to adjust to new routines and insisting on them conforming completely on the first day isn't always reasonable.

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 10:23

From what they said I think it was just because she was being told no. (No, wait for the other children before eating snack, no, wait your turn) That kind of thing and then her having a tantrum because she couldn't do it straight away. She was like this at home but is getting better so I think you are right, I should ask a few more questions about the way they deal with it so that we are both using same techniques. Thanks

OP posts:
Anniemousse · 21/01/2014 10:34

Firstly, don't compare your DD to the other new starter unfavourably. All kids are different, have different personalities, are at different developmental stages etc. Some needs loads more reassurance etc than others - and it is nothing you have done or not done.

I have 1 ds like your daughter, and 1 ds who sails through everything with a laid back cheerful attitude. I haven't parented them differently, it's just who they are.

I would suggest that when she knows the routine she will get security from it and it will reduce the tantrums, but she needs extra support to become familiar with it.

Perhaps the staff can support her by warning her of an upcoming activity e.g. snack and letting her know what will be expected of her, in advance. Eg. In few minutes it will be snack time. We will wash hands and sit at the table. When everyone is sitting nicely we will eat our snack together. Most kids don't need this but some do. Then when she knows the routine and they call 'snack time' she will be able to go along with the expectations.

If her speech is delayed she will get frustrated not be able to express herself adequately. Has she been assessed by a Speech therapist?

And taking turns on the new exciting equipment is hard when you are only just 3 Smile

LeBFG · 21/01/2014 10:46

God, I could write the same OP as yours OP right down to the language concerns. So watching this thread with interest. I like the idea of asking how the school are coping with the tantrums and what they are doing to prevent them. OP, is your DD waking up in the night? Mine is Sad and that has never happened since he was +1yo.

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 10:50

Thanks, I know I shouldn't compare her to others it just felt really obvious by the way the staff were speaking to us that dd hadn't behaved as was expected.

She hasn't been assessed by a speech therapist but she had her two and a half year check with health visitor quite recently (because of house move it was late) and they said her speech was ok and as it is getting better all the time it's nothing to worry about.

I think I'm probably over reacting a bit, I'm a bit of a worrier and was feeling anxious about her going anyway which probably doesn't help. Think I will see how she goes over next couple of weeks and just ask the staff to keep me informed about how its going.

Thanks for the advice everyone. She is my first child and this is all new to me!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/01/2014 10:59

it just felt really obvious by the way the staff were speaking to us that dd hadn't behaved as was expected.

It shouldn't be. They should be sympathetic and supportive.

When children start a new setting they need lots of support. If a child isn't coping, the focus should be on how they can support her to make the transition better. Did they make any suggestions of how they can make it easier for her next time?

There's a lot they can do, including offering opportunities for you to stay with her and shorter sessions for a while. They should be asking you what you think might help her as they don't know your child and you are an expert in her.

DaddyPigsMistress · 21/01/2014 11:00

My ds was three in October and started on the 6th of jan

Only yesterday did he sit quietly at story time. He would just refuse till then. He also found leaving an activity to do sonething else(snack/tidy time) really hard he would have a proper tantrum and wee himself

The staff have been really good with him gently leading him to sit quietly with a toy he liked and have been really patient and cleaned him up without a fuss.

He is doing mych better this week. Much more helpful at tidy time.

I would give her more time, its a massive change of pace for them and it takes some time to adjust.

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 11:07

LeBFG, She is not too bad at night but it's good to know I'm not the only one with the tantrums etc!

Goldmandra, yes I felt that too, it was just a look they gave me and when I asked how she got on, the teacher said 'alright' and then nothing else but pulled a bit of a face so I asked if she had been naughty and it was then she told me about the tantrums. She said 'she just needs to get used to the routine, don't worry.' and then I was kind of hurried out before getting chance to ask much. I will definitely have a better talk with them at her next session.

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Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 11:09

DaddyPigsMistress, thank you. It really helps to hear that others struggle a little first but that they get better. I felt yesterday as if she was the only one (stupid, I know). Thanks everyone it really helps to speak to other people about it.

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DaddyPigsMistress · 21/01/2014 11:28

Its so hard to know they are struggling. I spent all last week trying to convince dp that we needed to pull him out of nursery because i didnt want him to be that kid everyone talked about.
I'm hoping yesterday wasnt a fluke and when we go after lunch he will have another cracking day.

I would ask for a poroper chat today and outline the concerns and see how they respond. My nursery had a whole heap of things to try to help him and itvwas really reassuring to know he was in good hands

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 11:37

I was exactly the same, this morning I said to dh that I think we should pull her out and wait until the summer. It sounds like your ds has turned a corner. I guess it just takes some of them a while to adjust. Im definitely going to have a chat when I take her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/01/2014 11:50

Use lots of questions like

How do you suggest we can make this more manageable for her?

How do usually support children who have trouble settling?

What to you do to help children who find sitting for longer periods difficult?

Keep the focus on what they can do to help her.

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 12:03

Great advice. Thanks.

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awwwwmannnn · 21/01/2014 13:31

my DD (3) started nursery last Tuesday. I was in bits as I was so nervous for her, plus her speech isn't great also but she can say enough to get her point across and its getting better all the time.

The 1st 3 days the teacher had to prise her off me and take her into the class, it was horrible, I cried!! Then on Friday we were on our way to school and she was saying "lets go, lets go school and have fun with friends" and she walked in by herself and just got on with it.....I had a big thumbs up from the teacher (which made me feel like I had done something great lol)

she had one accident and I was worried sick thinking it was going to happen all the time but it was literally a one off, she had a skirt on and wasn't sure what to do with the skirt on the loo and after flapping she went herself! I put her in trousers the following day and she was great!!

it broke my heart to see her struggling to settle in when all the other kids were running in so happy - now she's happy and running in and I'm gutted because she's not clinging to me anymore Hmm

anyway, give yourself and her time to adjust. its a whole new setting for little ones and so much for them to take in. they've gone from being the centre of everyone's universe to being one of many and having to learn a new routine.

talk to her about it, but don't make it an issue, make it lighthearted and keep reinforcing the idea about taking turns and waiting, it'll take a while, god knows it did with my daughter, but they get there in the end Grin

the teachers have dealt with this scenario a hundred times over and know what they are doing, but do not be afraid to ask questions of them to find out what is going on.

good luck to you both xx

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 13:36

Thank you, you're right I think it just takes time x

OP posts:
atomicyoghurt · 21/01/2014 13:48

Natalie your dd is pretty young to be using a 'naughty' corner. People will probably roast me for saying this but my feeling is that a 3 year old is going to be confused by this.
Try not to say she's 'naughty' at all but make a huge fuss of her when she does do what she's told, sharing, sitting etc.
Talk to the staff about how you can ease the transition, but she's so young, and it's such a huge deal to have to start preschool!

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 18:28

TBH I was unsure about using the naughty corner but felt that I needed to do something because her tantrums were getting so bad. She is a lot better now at home and we don't have to resort to the naughty corner very often.

I agree that lots of praise for good behaviour is really important and Im definitely going to speak to the staff at the pre school too. Thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/01/2014 21:34

You could change the naughty corner into a more positive 'time out' space where you focus on her learning to calm herself down. It's still a good way to remove her from a conflict situation and make sure she doesn't gain by attracting negative attention but it makes it a positive process that serves a long term purpose.

Good luck tomorrow Smile

Original poster
Natalie82B · 21/01/2014 21:37

Thank you all, I feel much better about tomorrow now. X

OP posts:
Amy106 · 22/01/2014 08:03

I hope your talk with the preschool staff goes well.

Onesie · 22/01/2014 20:42

She won't be the only one testing he rules. Remember she is only 3

Littlefish · 22/01/2014 21:58

I'm a nursery teacher. When we have children who are taking a little longer to settle, we use some or all of the following strategies:

Shorter sessions either with or without parents
Fewer sessions either with or without parents
A "safe space" like a pop up tent to retreat to if things feel overwhelming
Lots of cuddles if the child is comforted by them
Smaller group for snack time/register etc.
Plenty of warning about up-coming transitions e.g. For snack time etc.
Photos on an individual board to show what is going to happen next
Lots of distraction!
Phone calls home to reassure parents that things are going well

I have a new group of children each term and there are always at least 2 or 3 who find it difficult at first to adapt to the group dynamic. Please don't worry that your child is the only one, or the "naughty one". Just give her time.

Jess03 · 23/01/2014 12:39

Keep going, they are unlikely to be judging you, my dd sounds like yours and she alternately loves going to nursery then refuses the next day. DD has been in nursery since she was a baby, they really have seen it all. I know it feels like you're dd is the worst but next week it'll be someone else's child. Fwiw, I do take things away and put dd in her room to calm down when tantruming, different things work for different children.