Single dad with 8 y/o daughter terrified about "the talk"

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Hello everybody.

I have spent a good bit of time searching the site cannot find anyone with a similar who can advise.

I am a single dad of twins whose mother died while giving birth to them. I got one of each, and my family is very small. I don't have any sisters, and people on her side started losing contact one at a time and haven't been in contact for years now.

I would appreciate any links to previous similar threads, or experience from people who have been where I am.

The issue for me is broaching the subject of my daughter's womanly cycle which, I'm told, can start as early as 9. They turned 8 a few months ago, and terrified is an understatement. It's not something they get taught about in school until they go into second level education, by which time they'll be 12 turning 13, and I am guessing her biology will be in full swing by then. The problem is that I just don't have any woman I could trust with my girl to explain the impending change she'll endure sooner or later. That means it looks like I'm the one who'll have to explain her monthly gift from the Fairy Godmother.

I'm in dire straits here ladies and gentlemen, and this is my first post, so please be gentle with me. I've read all the rules and I believe my post is within the rules. I just need help.. and a whole lot of it.

Thanks to all who have read this in full, and thanks in advance to those who can find time to reply.

for you OP, you sound a lovely dad and I can imagine this is hard.

If you think you feel embarrassment about tackling these subjects, it may sound daft but I'd practice saying key words or phrases you feel embarrassed about in a mirror so you don't inadvertently wince during the talk (FGS make sure you're alone first).

You want to be matter of fact and let her know that she can come to you with questions. For example, she may not know how long it will last or if she can go swimming - she needs to be able to ask you these things.

Do you just want to cover menstruation or sex too? You might want to undo some of that 'sex is sinful' message she'll be getting at school.

My DM left Ireland at 2, but from the sex ed she gave me, it was like she'd never left and grown up in a convent. Not ideal.

X post Shalli, great minds!

oh, and put a lined bin NEXT TO THE TOILET- you can't flush sanitary protection, whatever anyone says, and having to leave the toilet to go to another room where a bin is to dispose is very embarassing for a girl

(top tip for any households where there is no one currenly menstruating, eg grandparents hem hem)

Your daughter needs to know she can talk to you about this stuff - but I think that a friend's mum or similar could be a useful resource too. Sometimes you just want to talk to someone who has firsthand experience.

Shali, I wouldn't avoid the scented ones. I know some people get irritation, but most people don't. Especially if they are too young to have started with the pubic grooming..... For a teenager, the fear of it smelling is a big deal. Scented pads do help with that.

OP, just wanted to say that at that age, I happened to be closer to my Dad than my mum, so Dad ended up telling me much more about my periods and I was very comfortable to ask him questions.

Also Irish, by the way, and convent educated but I seem to have fared better that your descriptions!

All the best - you sound like a lovely Dad.

Anna

Another reason you need to talk to her yourself is that she needs to be able to ask questions if she has any and to know that if something abnormal happens with her periods (e.g. if they are very heavy, or very painful) she has someone she can go to who can take her to a doctor. You don't want her to be in agony or flooding through dozens of towels a day and thinking that is normal.

You also need to get in some sanitary protection in advance - you don't want to have to go out to the shops when her periods start - sod's law is it will happen when all the shops are closed. Get a range of different types of sanitary towel (different sizes, with and without wings) so she can try a couple of different types. Also some small tampons. She might prefer to use those from the start. Don't buy any towels that are scented. You can also buy little sanitary bags that you can tie used sanitary towels up in for binning. They are useful if you have a shared bathroom or if she is at someone else's house. A lined bathroom bin with a lid is also ideal.

re smelling/scented pads-
it's true that girls may be afraid of smelling- the best way to reassure them IMO is to reassure them that washing and changing regularly is prefectly adequate, we really don't need scented products it's just the manufacturers playing on our insecurities. If she (or anyone) doubts this, ask yourself how often you are aware from smell that anyone else is menstruating?

Not too mention that the scent of the pads is probably more noticeable!

My main advice is when she does start make sure you buy her plenty of stuff with the weekly shop. My mother was a nightmare at forgetting and I hated having to remind her. Probably worse if it was dad. And encourage her to use tampons much better!!!!

In terms of the talk man up .

It is worth getting going on the discussion now - I know someone who started at 8. It's probably rare, but it would be fairly scary to have a period before knowing about them.

Make sure you have a lined bin with a lid next to the toilet - no one wants to leave their used tampon/towel out on display.

Something I have learnt very late is that the best place to store a spare tampon is in my bra.

That also makes me wonder what you will do when she first needs to be measured for a bra.

That reminds me - the one dodgy bit in the Usborne book is bra measuring. They refer to the old method of adding five inches to the undercup measurement. Ignore - undercup measurement = band size required. Your daughter will thank you if she never needs a bra intervention!

I have to add pleasepleaseplease dont leave book on bed! My MUM did that and i felt like it was this hugely embarrassing thing. When i got my period, i couldnt talk to her & felt so alone with it. I ripped up old clothes for pads for 4 months rather than tell her (she found blood so knew that way)

The more embarrassed you are, the more she'll be.

Best wsy to start conversation: "what do you know about periods" stick to basics like they hsppen monthly, here is where pads are kept, heres where you put them in bin. . .and if you want to chat to a woman and ask any questioms you dont want me to answer, lady friend can be there for you.

How you handle this will affect what she comes to you in the future with. Shes lucky to have a Dad who cares so much x

Next, I have to invite you all to experience the Irish education system. Most kids from socially deprived areas (like me) have never attended a "school" per se. They attend a Religious Order, which happens to have Christian Brothers and Magdalene Sisters who have teaching ability up to a required standard, and are therefore granted a permit to teach children for free. Sex ed is dirty, filthy and sinful, and an outside lay teacher is brought in in their final year to teach them about sex, but I fear by that time, she may have already commenced menstruating. Unless you pay for private schooling @ €9,000 per term, or €27,000 for the year, then the chances are that you will attend an "Educational Institution" which we refer to as "school" but it's run and own by either the Christian Brothers or the De La Salle Brothers (if you're a boy), and the equivalent for girls except it's nuns.

EH??

I'm from Ireland too and this sounds like bollocks.

Get The Care and Keeping of You, published by American Girl publishers. It deals with everything your DD will need to know for now.

Just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely dad for putting so much thought into ensuring that your daughter is fully educated and comfortable with discussing periods with you.

I have no idea about having 'the talk' with her as my daughter is just about to be 2 so I am not there.

Good luck with it!

My dad was a single parent and he did make a right mess of all 'woman' stuff sometimes...! He got my auntie to give me the talk which wasn't bad, and school did the rest.

My advice would be to relax about the 'technical' stuff and stop worrying about getting everything right. Back in the day there were none of the good, cheerful books designed for children/teenagers to read themselves, no google and the whole periods stuff was far more a taboo. I still managed to buy the right pads and my first bras without dying of embarrassment. I was very independent as a teenager which has served me well in university, career and life in general, and I have rarely worried about conforming to the norm.

Be a relaxed parent to whom she will find it easy to relay her worries on, whatever they may be. You may not have the asnwers, but you will know someone who does. I remember my dad being so nervous about the topic of women's bodies that I couldn't tell him about my periods, and it is quite important not to give off that scent if you can avoid it.

Despite my father's many faults - chronic depression, heavy smoking, drinking later on I still adore him and think he is the best parent I could have had. He was a free spirit, he inspired me to read and seek knowledge, and he never made me feel that I was 'just a girl', very much the curse of many of my 'better off' friends. While I couldn't talk to him about sex we talked about everything else and he never fobbed me off under the pretence of being too busy, or too tired. You are going to get it right if you remeber in particular to raise your daughter as a person, not just as a girl/woman.

Try to avoid the mistake of thinking your DD's life is going to revolve around her menstrual cycle and that she will become some sort of member of another species because of developing. She will still be your daughter. You will still be her father. Girls' lives go on with or without their periods.

I wish I had taken time off school when I had my first period. I was chronically worried I was making a mess everywhere. I was 10/11 and I didn't trust the sanitary napkins (pads) because I'd never had to deal with them. I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom about 10 times that first day. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and when I felt "wet" again I would ask to go again. Later the kids at school admitted they knew I'd started my period... I was horribly embarrassed. I just wish I'd had at least that first day to understand what it felt like.

Hindsight being 20/20 I would say you will need:

• a little bin in the bathroom for her to put them in;
• a calendar for her to keep track (how many days, when she starts/when she's due);
• underwear she can wear during that time that she cares less about;
• stain remover and a bucket to soak her undies in;
• wipes (a personal pack to take sneak to school)
• sanitary napkins/tampons (re pads: with wings and scented are my recommendation)
• personal deodorant (you can buy a special kind for "down there" if she's worried about smell)

Something else I struggled with was the proper placement of the pads so I haven't read that book but if it doesn't talk about that, she might need something that talks about that (or just a few days to know where on the particular kind of underwear she wears to place the middle).

Also, once she's menstruating she is able to get pregnant, so "the talk" should also include some sex-ed discussions.

Good on you for being pro-active!

I wanted to add, let her know that she's becoming a woman and practically every woman deals with this. She isn't an alien and her friends may be further ahead or further behind her development but it will most likely happen to them too.

With her period come the other changes: hair, shaving, body odor, boobs.... It's always fun to begin to investigate all that "womanly" stuff.

Maybe one of her friends mum could help?

Like Mathanxiety I recommend "The care and keeping of you". I bought it in a panic this summer when DD grew ten centimetres in a few months. She's mostly reading it herself, asking us all a few questions, but she's kind of self-editing out the bottom bits. She's not quite eight, but the rate she grew this year she can't be far off :(

If it helps, I went to my Dad with all questions about periods and sex! My mum was always more, reserved and I never felt comfortable approaching her (all my friends thought I was crazy for talking to my dad!)

Anyway, I remember we sat down in the kitchen and we had a long chat where he told me what would happen to me, what sex was, and even answered all my questions! I was 11 and had started hearing about 'blow jobs' and 'orgasms' at school. I remember my dad was so calm, and honest with me. He used the proper names for everything, never flinched or acted grossed out with all my questioning. It really cemented our relationship. I honestly believe that because of this I had an extremely healthy attitude towards boys and sex, because I knew that my dad would always be honest with me. I spent my teenage years having fun with friends, I can honestly say peer pressure to have sex never affected me in the slightest and I didn't have sex till I was 19 and ready. All because if I was ever worried or embarrassed, I knew I could just ask my dad and he would tell me the truth!

So the idea of this long and rambling message is that I'm sure you are a brilliant dad and will give your daughters all the right information and make them feel at ease and comfortable, knowing that their dad will always be there with the facts!

Hey, just joining this thread a bit late. Has anyone bought a First Period Box from Sanitary Owl? Keep hearing about them and want to know if they are any good???