Single dad with 8 y/o daughter terrified about "the talk"

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Hello everybody.

I have spent a good bit of time searching the site cannot find anyone with a similar who can advise.

I am a single dad of twins whose mother died while giving birth to them. I got one of each, and my family is very small. I don't have any sisters, and people on her side started losing contact one at a time and haven't been in contact for years now.

I would appreciate any links to previous similar threads, or experience from people who have been where I am.

The issue for me is broaching the subject of my daughter's womanly cycle which, I'm told, can start as early as 9. They turned 8 a few months ago, and terrified is an understatement. It's not something they get taught about in school until they go into second level education, by which time they'll be 12 turning 13, and I am guessing her biology will be in full swing by then. The problem is that I just don't have any woman I could trust with my girl to explain the impending change she'll endure sooner or later. That means it looks like I'm the one who'll have to explain her monthly gift from the Fairy Godmother.

I'm in dire straits here ladies and gentlemen, and this is my first post, so please be gentle with me. I've read all the rules and I believe my post is within the rules. I just need help.. and a whole lot of it.

Thanks to all who have read this in full, and thanks in advance to those who can find time to reply.

I think you are right to start thinking about this. So much has been mentioned already, but as well as books, there is something about being able to feel comfortable about her periods in her home, and that safe environment will come from you. I'm not sure what cultural background your family are and whether that makes a difference, but I also wondered if she has a close friend's mother, or older cousins, if not then her girl friends mother would be a great place to start. I am sure she would be glad to help and may have wondered before how you would deal with it, but also may not feel it is her place to ask you. If I were approached by my child's friends parent I would be only too happy to help out and include their daughter along with mine if I had the father's permission.

But at the same time I think you need to work out a way of not being too embarrassed about it yourself as when she starts it comes along with monthly discomforts and even embarrassing leaks at times. She needs to feel that her daddy is not repulsed or irritated by any of this.

Do you belong to any support groups for single fathers, again I am sure this is something that they deal with all the time - and you will not be the first or last.

I will add that I am a single parent of 2 boys, and have been asked by my sister in law to talk to my nieces on this subject... This as she says is because in her culture its the aunties job????!!! (I still haven't found anyone to verify this - lol) but I am more than happy to find the resources and do it. - and I think if you can get over the inhibitions you will find similar support around you.

It's not an easy situation but I think in the last 8 years you have probably got through more difficult situations than this. Good luck!

Yes yes to books, there are some good ones. Its going to be embarrassing for both of you. I remember starting my periods end of yr 6, so about 11, and remember being quite upset and scared and my mum thought it was something we should celebrate - it was so not the reaction I needed! Although it will be a difficult and somewhat embarrassing time, it will almost definitely be 100% better when she starts high school and can share things with her peers to understand whats normal and whats not.

Tell her the full facts, and be prepared with whats needed. I remember teenage periods being stupidly painful so make sure you are well stocked with painkillers and heated pads. Also, you cannot flush sanitary products, so make sure there is somewhere discreet she can dispose of them, a lined bin in her room or something. Don't bother buying teenage sanitary products, buy regular light and also heavy/nighttime flow pads, some with wings (protects underwear) and some without.

First and regular teenage periods can be heavy, she may be shocked/worried/disgusted(!) at the amount of blood, but reassure her although it may seem lots, its no more than a few teaspoons of blood. Give her a multivit with iron as she may become slightly anaemic, feel a bit dizzy at first (I remember nearly fainting on occasions!).

Yes, don't be squeamish about blood stained toilets or clothes/knickers, that will inevitably make her experience worse. My friends dad used to be repulsed and inform my friend if she'd left a drop/smear of blood on the toilet, even her husband does it now, hard to believe but true.

I would check with school that they're not covering it - DS is 8 and had a lesson on this earlier in the year. And the boys' lesson (they split the class by sex) also covered some aspect of girls growing up too - rightly so.

She will undoubtedly be talking about it with her friends and googling all sorts soon as the first friend in her peer group starts her period. The best thing you can do is to show her that you are not remotely embarrassed by it, so she doesn't think that not having a mum around means she has nobody to talk to.

You may be squeamish about the blood/potential for sex/bottom side but she will probably be far more worried about whether boys can tell/ can she go swimming/ does it smell conversation. I used the two Diary of a teenage health freak books, rather boy and the girl ones. They cover that kind of thing, and also explain PMT to her.

My dd asked me "how long does it go on for?"
"About a week", I said.
"No, how many times?"
"Ah. Every month until you are 50"

Whereupon she burst into tears and said,
"But I don't want to do this every month till I'm 50"

Join the club, sweetheart. :)

Hello op.

First of all, why are you terrified? I really strongly urge you to be a hell of a lot more relaxed about the subject before you tackle it with your daughter. It is, after all, a normal part of every woman's life and not something to be embarrassed, squeamish, or worst if all, terrified of!

Secondly are you I'm the uk? Because puberty, periods etc is part if the national curriculum in year 5. So you will not be on your own

Some very good advice on this thread.

I can't stress enough how important it is to use real terms. Please don't let her use the euphemisms you have used in your OP. It will cause unnecessary shame and embarrassment later on.

I'd be stunned if it were not taught in school. I had lessons on it in primary school back in the 80s.

I agree with others - you need to get over your own apparent embarrassment, use proper terminology and talk about it in a matter of fact way. It's just a bodily function - 100% of the population poo, 50% of the population bleed. It's perfectly normal (not pleasant, but normal).

Stock up on a few sanitary products so you are not caught unawares. There are some specifically aimed at teens. If they are painful, paracetemol and a hot water bottle is the best way to start. If it's really bad, a visit to the GP might be needed for prescription drugs.

When I started my mum wouldn't let me use tampons and I always leaked out of towels. If that happens, don't make a big deal about it. Just soak the knickers or chuck them away.

Go talk to teacher see what is done in school about.
Also the school nurse might of help .

My DD is 9 and they learned about periods last year at school so your DD should learn something at her shcool. I would suggest asking her teacher about it.

Dont be frightened about talking to her though, maybe you should read up a bit yourself so you understand exactly what will happen to her and feel more comfrotable talking to her about it when the time comes.

If she learns at school she may not even want to talk about the details ot much with you but you will still need to get her sanitary protection and be aware fo when her cycle is.

Its' not so terrifying though so relax

Hi again everyone.

Firstly, I would like to apologise to anyone who was offended by the "monthly gift from the Fairy Godmother" line. I live in Ireland, and it was used in an advertisement for panty liners to try and make light of the situation. I unreservedly apologise and should have just came straight out and called periods periods.

Secondly, thank you to each and every person who has taken the time to respond. I have made manual notes of books to get from Amazon and maybe early next year I'll leave it lying innocuously in her room where she can't miss it when she's lying in her bed. She loves a read before bedtime, and I'll make double sure she won't be able to miss it.

Next, I have to invite you all to experience the Irish education system. Most kids from socially deprived areas (like me) have never attended a "school" per se. They attend a Religious Order, which happens to have Christian Brothers and Magdalene Sisters who have teaching ability up to a required standard, and are therefore granted a permit to teach children for free. Sex ed is dirty, filthy and sinful, and an outside lay teacher is brought in in their final year to teach them about sex, but I fear by that time, she may have already commenced menstruating. Unless you pay for private schooling @ €9,000 per term, or €27,000 for the year, then the chances are that you will attend an "Educational Institution" which we refer to as "school" but it's run and own by either the Christian Brothers or the De La Salle Brothers (if you're a boy), and the equivalent for girls except it's nuns.

You have all been a great help one way or another - even the ones who were straight to the point .

Amazon, here I come...

Well fgs don't use creepy euphemisms like 'womanly cycle' or 'monthly gift from the Fairy Godmother'.

I'm not sure why you're so horrified. You're an adult - it's a normal part of life for women - what's so awful and embarrassing about it?

Periods were covered in primary school when I was there so I think it is very unlikely there will be no school education on this.

Average age for onset of menstruation is 12 but yes it can happen earlier. I think mother's age at onset of menstruation is usually a good indicator of when you can expect it. So if you happen to know when your wife began her periods that might be a rough indicator.

OP you've had some great advice here and I would definitely say that you need to get over any squeamishness and be matter of fact about it. My mother was always squeamish about talking about it and even now I can feel her embarrassment if we discuss bodily functions.

Two things. First, it's almost as important that you teach your DS about all this as your DD. Until he met me, my DH had very little idea about what went on and consequently made a number of crass and ill-informed comments that I haven't let him live down

Secondly, I sincerely hope that your DD's school does not teach that sex and normal bodily functions are sinful and dirty - if they do, I would be very concerned about that. IMHO, that is exactly the sort of clap trap that leads to teenage pregnancy - if your DD does need help and advice the last thing you want is for her to be too afraid to come to you or someone else with her worries.

Good luck!

"Next, I have to invite you all to experience the Irish education system."

:o

I've experienced it. It wasn't actually too bad where sex education was concerned, but there were definitely some dodgy moments.

I think you're definitely right to be thinking of this now.

I would also caution against either A Big Talk or just leaving books lying around.

The less embarrassed you can be about this the better. Give her the books yourself and don't be squeamish about it.

I would also find a woman she could talk to about this - an aunt? friend of the family?

With the best will in the world, this is not something you can ever really be expert in in the way that most adult women are.

Best of luck :)

OP, well done for thinking about this and being brave enough to post. And for bringing up twins single handed. All credit! I also have b/g twins who are just 5, and already talk about this with them as they have noticed the blood (we are quite 'open' in our house with going to the toilet).

I guess the embarrassment will only come if you are embarrassed, and I suggest you try not to be, so that she is able to come to you with any medical concerns in future. I wouldn't just leave the book lying around, you could use it as a way in to talking or cover the basics in talking and leave the book. I think it's important if there are no females, that she is able to talk to you (eg. if she has pain) and doesn't sense you are shying away from it. In fact, I am reminded of a single Dad with a teenage girl who wanted hot chocolate in bed when she was on her period and posted about it. It was a great thread, but I can't remember the title. If you can get hold of him, you could share some ideas.

Periods are basically a bodily function like all the others both sexes have - there's plenty of 'discharges' going on all the time - snot, wee, poo, tears etc. We talk a lot about wee, poo and all sorts of bodily functions in our house. I told my dd that I have some blood coming out of me every month which means I can have children, so it is a good thing. I didn't go into tons of biology she wouldn't understand, but I want her to think of periods as a good thing, not as scary or bad. I told her they will start when she is older, but it's hard to know when. In terms of your dd's development, it is likely breasts etc. will start first so you should have a little warning (but do check up on that, that's just anecdotal).

Oh just seen that you are not in Britain.

Don't just leave books lying around. Really don't. That is a cop out. You have got to talk to her about it. Otherwise you are indirectly telling her that this is SO AWFUL you can't even talk to her about it.

In the nicest possible way - you do seem to have absorbed the idea that menstruation is a shameful and embarrassing thing, so I suggest you get over that if you don't want her to grow up thinking that there is something shameful about her body and being an adult woman.

I remember mum telling me and a friend together. her mum had died a couple of years earlier & her dad askedmy mum to help out.

might be worth speaking to her friends' mums?

Glad we could bluntly put you straight help

But don't just leave the book in her room for her to find. Read it yourself. And read it with her. And talk to her about it. It shouldn't be a secret - something we don't talk about. It is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of!

How about reading the book with her and saying "I'm learning too but I'll try and answer any questions you have - we can find out together."

And I meant to say I am so sorry for your loss. What a tragic thing to happen. You sound like a smashing caring dad and you will get through this with flying colours I'm sure

at the Irish education system.

Ah well, menstruation isn't sexual anyway, all the nuns will have periods and children start long before they are ready for sex. Diary of a teenage health freak, for both kids, would be an excellent antidote to the nuns. But do talk with her about it as well so it isn't her dirty little secret.

Hate to make your life even worse but are you also facing up to the nocturnal emissions (wanking) conversation with your son?

Oh happy days, I have two boys and a girl and have done it all....

Just did a search (with 500 results!) to see if I could find that thread, but I couldn't. Sorry. The point being that this Dad came on MN to see if it was reasonable to give his daughter hot choc in bed when she had her period. It was a unanimous 'yes'! He showed his daughter the thread and she was "SEEE...". It was great they had that kind of relationship, that the daughter could ask this. I think the more you read, the more comfortable you will feel and the more comfortable your dd will feel.

I used to work in the office of a primary school. We always kept some pads there for emergency - we were very friendly kindly ladies used to helping out girls who needed a bit of help with unexpected periods, first ones or otherwise. I am sure other schools do the same, so suggest if she gets caught short she goes to see the ladies in the office, tell her if she cant speak about her problem, write it down and hand the piece of paper over - likewise to a teacher if the office ladies are harpies!

She'll be fine - we all get to grips with it sooner or later in life, we have no choice But a sympathetic man is always good!

Ok not in England .
Then friends mothers is the way to go.

I disagree with friend's mother. There should be someone in her home who understands. Anyone extra on top (for extra help/ advice) is a bonus, but she needs to know her Dad is on board and not shy about it.

well done for wanting to be prepared. I really, really hope that your dcs education isn't going to be as bad as you describe. Like others have said, books are good but you do need to be able to TALK. As like most men you probably haven't talked about periods much, my tip woud be to sit in front of the mirror and actually SAY the words out loud, lots of times- sounds mad but it will help. And remember that many of us find it hard to use the 'proper' words and sadly there aren't any friendly sounding words for female genitals, so you'll just have to go with the real ones.
What do you remember about your wife menstruating? If she kept it all very secret (no criticism, lots of women do) this will be making it harder for you. On the other hand if you can remember anything at all, it might be helpful for both of you, eg 'Mum used to get back ache and she found a hot water bottle helped' 'I remember Mum used to use brand X pads but they don't seem to have them in the shops, so I got these...'
On the subject of brands....there is a stupid amount of variety of sanitary protection and what suits some won't suit another...but when I was buying for dds I would generally get whatever was cheapest that week in 'normal' size- provided it wasn't scented- you have to watch out for that.