Too old for tantrums ? Don't know how to handle her !

[Norah]

My dd is a really sweet child - but at home she is so confrontational that I really don't know what to do with her ! At school and for anyone else she is apparently an angel !

She will go into a strop/tantrum/rage about the tiniest thing and they last ages and are extremely loud and to be honest I am on the verge of not coping !

This morning for example she laid out her clothes on my bed and I said "Oh don't put them there - there's loads of cat hair just there!" - cue for an enormous screaming fit - she comes out withe the most horrible things "I hate you" "I don't love you anymore" "I don't want you to be my mummy anymore" and this morning "I wish I'd never been born at all !"

Isolated incidents I coupld cope with - but this is at least twice a day now - and I just don't know how to stop it !

We've been doing 1-2-3- Magic and a pasta jar - but she refuses to go to her room, refuses to stay in it if we "escort her" and just generally argues and yells about anything she doesn't agree with.

She's 6 in October - and still every day of her life she has cried about something !

When will it stop ?

Forgot to say - have been trying to ignore her - but she hates that even more !

She seems to crave constant attention - even if it is negative !

My ds is 6 and v similar. He is much worse when he's tired and a few times recently I've kept him off school to catch up with his sleep. I have tried sending him to his room and various other things.

The only thing that works is removing myself from him by locking myself in the bathroom and refusing to answer him until he stops shouting/screaming. He is my youngest (also have dd 11). If you have younger children it's not so practical

God, she sounds so similar to one of my DDs. Great highs of emotion and great lows, with very little in the middle . Big sympathies, as I know it is very very wearing and completely clouds your relationship with her. I shall watch this thread with interest. My DD is 6 in March by the way.

Sandyballs - you are so right about it clouding my relationship with her. I work full time - and every single morning is a battle - with me trying to dry my hair and get dressed with her screaming at me about some fictional problem ! Every day I go out of the house stressed out - I hate it !

People say "choose your battles" - but it's not me choosing a battle - it's her - and her reasons for going off on one are highly dubious !

We are on holiday next week and I am just dreading it !

my word you could be describing my dd also 6...with my dd,her behaviour has been getting worse over the last couple of months...i think it has alot to do with the later evenings..she has been going to bed later because of the heat,so then is more tired ,and secondly it coming upto the summer holidays,school days being extra busy with sports days etc and knowing its all going to change next year again.lol
looking back she went through this sort of phase last year around this time.
other than that all i can say is i know exactly how you feel,it is very hard to cope with at times.sadly though i have no remedy for it,hopefully the summer holidays will sort them out.

It is awful isn't it !

I had put mine's down to tiredness as she has also had a bad sleeping phase with night terrors every night for over a month - so she was very tired - but has been sleeping a lot better the last two weeks. I guess it could be end of term tiredness - it is also sometimes worse if she is hungry - but she is too angry to realise that and ask for something to eat !

We are on holiday for the next couple of weeks - so maybe she will chill out then - and become the nice little girl she used to be again !

Mine is a nightmare without very regular meals and snacks inbetween, and like you say she doesn't recognise this yet.

We also had quite a dreadful morning today Norah, all about her hair or something very trivial (in my opinion, but obviously not in her little mind).
I did my very hardest not to get all shouty and mad with her because it all escalates, she shouts back, I get crosser and so on. So, although I wanted to get hold of her and give her a damn good beating , I calmly told her that I hated going off to work all day after such a miserable breakfast time, we don't see each other all day because of school and work and it made me unhappy, so could we try to get along and be friends and be nice to each other. She flounced off but calmed down and it seemed to sink in a bit - I shall report back tomorrow .

Good luck on your hols. Do you have any other children? My DD is a twin and her sister is very mellow and easy going, the complete opposite and I really feel she sometimes gets left out and almost penalised for being good, whilst her sister gets lots of attention for being naughty, albeit negative.

Sounds so familiar - d'you want another one to make it triplets ??

She's an only child - was half wondering about having another - but whilst she's like this I can't even contemplate it ! Dh thinks she's spoilt and needs a sibling ! She might be a bit spoilt - I was an only and was so NOT spoilt that I do tend to indulge her a bit !

I toold her this morning that she had made me so sad that I didn't even like her anymore - I was also very childish and ignored her waving at me when I drove off. I don't feel very big about that - but I am trying to show her that her ranting has repercussions ! We do all the usual withholding of treats - stopping her going on outings/parties etc - but none of it seems to work.

I should have gone home from work an hour ago - but I just don't want to be there with her - I can't face it again today ! Might slink home after bedtime !!!

ha!

Mine is 9 and she can still throw one.

At 6 she was still having 2 hoiur tantrums.

We have now got to the point where even she will laugh about how horrid her behaviour can be !

I just tell her the sanctions, ride it out, and follow through. Things are getting better though!

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Oh Gawd !!! That I did not need to hear !

dh tried to video ours at it last night - and she got quite hysterical when he tried to play it her back !

She also commented how the little girl next door (aged 3) is much too old to be crying like that - ! Pots - kettles etc .....

Looks like I may need tranquiliser darts !

when she was 6 she had a 3 hour epic while we were camping. I felt I had to explain and appologise to the other campers around us. They said, 'Don't worry, he is only little' They thought I was talking about ds who was 3 at the time!

Ironically he has only ever had 2-3 tantrums in his life, and could never be bothered!

She is otherwise a delight, just gets a hair up her arse on occasion, lets it blow, and gets on with life! Hate to say but I am much the same.

Hi Lisa,

1-2-3 Magic is a book that someone recommended on here.

Basic philosophy is that we talk and explain too much to our kids - so it's less talking and more warning ! At first naughtiness you say "That's 1" and say no more - theory is that they know what they've done - then next time you say "That's 2" and finally "That's 3 - Take 5" - and send them off to time-out, when you let them out of time-out there is no discussion, no apologies, - just move on !

It was working pretty well - but dd very difficult to get to time-out, she just refuses to go - but we were finding that the tantrums were over and done with a lot quicker and we moved on better without the apologies and inquests !

Trouble is you ahev to do it consistently and calmy - and I think we are all so knackered that we have lost the plot a bit and gone back to over explaining ! Has reminded me that it is good now - will resume application !

I got book from Amazon by the way - was about &8 I think - well worth it !

Martianbishop - you saying that has just made me think - and yes I am like this too ! Although rarely do blow - maybe she just needs to achieve control !

I rarely do either, now! But as a child I was quite explosive

They just have to learn some self control....I always tell her it is ok to be angry, but that you can't make everyone else's life a misery while you are angry!

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my daughter is like this too but she is of the expected age, 3 in november.Although it doesn't make it any easier. Time out means nothing to her, if i say go to your room or put her into time our/naughty step etc etc she just shouts "no" or runs away. Now, If I am at home and she kicks of I just take her to her room, I say absolutely nothing to her, I put her her bedm leave the romm and hold the door handle upright so she cannot open it and run out. She may scream but soon gives up and goes and screams on her bed or floor until she eventually calms down.
its not easy and sometimes i feel like running away, espcailly when I am trying to get ready for work or have to be somewhere

my god that message was awful, hope you can understand what i was meaning, i was on the phone at the time.

Hi LisaLisa

I hope you considered my suggestion of putting on DH's ear defenders and stridently singing 'Onward Christian Soldiers' (or other song appropriate to one's religious/cultural inclinations) appropriate. It does work. Really!

Considered 'helpful rather than barbed' I meant!

Hi lisalisa - haven't read your thread on smacking - but I do it too - and it has absolutely no effect really ! So I am trying to give it up - the 1-2-3- magic book describes smacking as the adult having a tantrum too !

But anyway - what I was meaning to say was that the book tells you, if they won't go to time-out, to pick em up - plonk em in their room and hold the door shut - eventually they get the idea (theoretically) about who is boss and gradually you get to the stage where just saying "That's 1" will stop them in the tracks - for very advanced mummies I am told that a certain look or a raise of trhe eyebrows is all that's needed !

I am of course not at the advanced stage yet ! However, when we did do it properly it was working and for a week or so I didn't get past "That's 2" - so I don't know - it might be worth a go for you ?

oh okay, well i havent seen the book thats just what i started doing a while ago, had to do it tonight acually and when i went bck in she was sound asleep. I tried smacking too and sometimes I feel like doing it agina but I know that its stupid and how can we stop them throwing tantrums and smacking us or others if we do it to them

Hi chocolatemummy - sorry didn't mean to ignore you before ! Nice name by the way !

It's bloody hard isn't it ?

I asked the sameish question about 3 yrs ago on here and was advised to give in to her on the small things and the tantrums would reduce - they didn't ! Maybe some children are just more tantrummy than others ?

maybe thats it? I guess we have to think we will look back on these days and laugh!

I've had a good chuckle reading this thread as it could so be my 6 yr old dd! Aren't they hard work - am thinking of locking myself in the garage when the summer hols start! Thought it was just a girl thing but obviously not! At least us mums can try to keep each other sane by chatting on here!!