Bad tempered 5 month old - have i caused this and how to deal with it?

[emjay78]

My dd is now 5 mo and i am shocked by how bad-tempered she can be - other people (esp. MIL :() have started to notice and comment on it - makes me feel like a total failure as a mum and that i have done something to create this problem? She can be very smiley and happy but if she gets bored or doesn't like something/someone she screams like a banshee, screws up her face and just seems to go off on one. I know all babies cry but she seems to take it to a whole new level! I am a ftm and was diagnosed with PND at 7 weeks, has my depression caused this somehow do you think? we have bonded but for a while I was very depressed and struggled with her. I know you'll probably wonder why i'm bothered by such a trivial thing at this age, but i find it so embarrassing, especially in front of friends with their quiet babies, and i wondered if anyone had any tips on how to deal with it? it's got to the point where i don't want to go to baby groups or take her very far from the house in case she has a meltdown! All i can do is try to play with her to distract her,but then i am worried i am encouraging her to act badly to get attention? Sorry for the long post - and thanks in advance for any ideas you can give me!

No, your depression has not done this.

Terrible twos is a lie. It's terrible all the time, sometimes.

Trust me, their babies are not quiet and lovely all the time. No baby is.

At 5 months she's too young to be 'acting badly for attention'. She's a baby.

Thanks, yeah I guess i am expecting a little too much perhaps - its just that other people's comments are really getting to me and my confidence hits rock bottom when they look surprised/aghast at her cries and feel the need to tell me about their 'perfect' children! I just feel that perhaps I'm doing it all wrong. Thanks for the reassurance that it's probably not just me.

Do you have a decent sling? I found that keeping them close so they have no need to scream for attention even for a few weeks helps break the habit

no i haven't got a sling - i will definitley try this though, thank you. Which one did you use?

Ah please dont beat yourself up, she's only very little and being badly behaved- just a bit of a pain in the arse like most babies are at some point

Your pnd hasnt caused it, but it may be making you anxious about what other people think. Whenever you find yourself worrying about other peoples comments, just remember that with v young babies people are mostly just making conversation. They dont give what they're saying much thought.

Dont be so hard on yourself

NOT being badly behaved, that should say!

A boba 3G ( I do believe a 4g updated version is now out but not sure of differences). It's a good sling as you can use for a newborn, as well as a 3/4 year old if needed ( ie if they fall asleep at airport late) as it goes on front or back.

And try talking and explaining where/ what you are doing even at a small age. I would say im just popping to toilet/ to get water for example so they learn you aren't just walking away.

I actually cannot believe that people are giving you a hard time about this. She is five months old. How else is a little non-verbal baby supposed to express that she's unhappy with something? People and their 'perfect' babies. Chatting shit, I reckon. Yes some people have very quiet babies, just as there are some very quiet adults but believe me, the difference between DNeph1 and DNeph2 has proven to me that it's all about personality, not parenting.

You haven't caused it and you're not encouraging her to act badly - it will pass and things will be better. If you're like me, you won't actually believe this until it has passed and is better though!

Could she be teething at all?

My DS got his first teeth at 22 weeks and whenever he's teething (he's 17 months now) he's always louder (he shouts now rather than screams though!).

When DS has one of those days, in the absence of any specific reason for it, I just mentally pick a reason (feeling overtired or a bit overwhelmed or maybe growing pains / teething) and tell myself that's the cause then crack on with distraction. It tends to help me be more sympathetic than I'm inclined to be if he's just being loud for no reason and helps me retain my sanity - at times I just end up taking a breath, saying to myself 'at least he's cute' and putting my head down to plow on to the end of the day!

To be honest, it's all a bit of a mystery to me until they can talk!

If it makes you feel any better to know, my dd (2.8yo) was a very unhappy baby, basically cried all the time she wasn't being held/fed/carried, screamed in her pram (we quickly ditched the pram for a sling as others have suggested), screamed if anyone except me held her, screamed when she learned to sit but couldn't reach things she wanted... But she turned into a really lovely, calm, charming toddler. My friend who had a very contented baby (and was very smug about it) has ended up with a rampaging toddler who is very hard work indeed. Babies change so much and I think some of them just don't like being little and helpless very much. You haven't caused it, don't worry. If you haven't read anything by dr sears (particularly about 'high needs babies') I recommend it. Hang in there!

I used to get really stressed when my DD cried in public. I felt like I was doing something wrong. It wasn't until she was several months old that I noticed just how much other babies and toddlers cried. And that other people usually don't notice.

Maybe some of the negative comments are coming from sleep-deprived parents, who are trying to be supportive but it all comes out a bit wrong? If you're feeling down (do you still have the PND?) then its harder to brush comments off, and easier to see things as criticisms when they are not. If there are people who you are sure aren't being helpful (your MIL?) can you spend less time with them? You don't need the extra worry.

Can you go to baby groups etc and be ready to scoop your DD up if needed and either go outside until she's quieter, or leave completely? Can you feed her when she's upset, to calm her down?

Could it be that DD is tired/hungry/cold/hot/wet/teething, but this doesn't show because she is engrossed in an activity, and when the activity stops or something mildly 'bad' happens she suddenly realises that she's not happy and goes off?

At 5 months, playing with her and otherwise distracting her cannot possibly do her any harm or cause her to behave badly. If you find anything that works to calm her down, then do that! And, sometimes, you just can't fix it but you can at least hold her until she gets over it.

Some babies are more whingey than others, and some have particularly unfortunate ear-piercing screams, which inevitably make people look. It doesn't mean they think you're a bad mum, though.

Do try to keep going out and about to activities! I found this hugely important in helping me to cope with the challenges of being a mum. MILs do have a way of making new mums feel crap - try to ignore, avoid, or put her in her place!

I honestly could have written your post myself OP. It's so disheartening isn't it? I'm just hoping that it all passes and soon! My DS even cries in her sling. She only wants carried so she can see over my shoulder!
She gets angry when trying to play etc too. My mum just says she's a clever wee thing and wants to do more than she can! I'm sticking with taking her to baby groups though as I think it's good for her development. I'm hoping it makes her better behaved in public lol!!!!

Oh and just to add,my friend has a LO who is 5 weeks younger than mine. She sits quite content at groups etc and always sleeps when we're out for a coffee..
I asked if she knows her different cries yet e.g tired, hungry, nappy etc. she said her LO only cries when she's hungry... So that's either a blatant fib or she just gives her a bottle/boob every time she cries!! I don't believe for one minute a baby only cries when hungry! So that made me feel MUCH better! Plus at least our 'difficult' babies have personality!!

I agree with CatHackney.
Try to calm her down.
Here are a few suggestions:

1. Get Out of the House

Children usually calm down the instant you take them outside.

1. Shush Her Up

Whisper "shhh, shhh, shhh" in her ear.

1. Massage her hands
2. Belt out a tune

Sit in a dark room with your baby and softly sing to her.

Look on the bright side, shes good at communicating when shes got a problem. You haven't done anything wrong, its perfectly normal. Try to ignore the comments, easier said than done I know.

Ds is the same age and often does the same. I can't go out of sight without him crying atm. He has had meltdowns in the pram and sling when I'm out and you feel like everyone is starting. I think it is a phase and I just check everything as o am sure you do. I think it is that he is frustrated by not being able to crawl sit or something else and I just have to try to figure it out each time. It is so hard but you are not alone in experiencing this.

Thanks so much to you all - you won't believe how much better you have made me feel. it's so nice to feel that i'm not alone.

btw sorry for not coming back sooner - mum been in and out of hosp, and various other stuff - so your kind replies genuinely have made me feel a lot better about DD's shouting (which she's doing right now)...!

It sounds like she's a clever and determined little thing! My DD is similar - she's nearly 1 but you'd swear the terrible twos have ready started - if she wants something and doesn't get it she will create the most almighty fuss and has started with a nice line in whinging already. I find distraction works well, and physical activity (I used to be amazed at baby groups/meetups to see other babies lying contentedly in their prams etc. - DD sat and crawled early and could not be made to sit still at all.) She literally does not stop moving from the moment she wakes up to the time she (rarely) sleeps - it's exhausting but I found the whinging and tantrumming is worse when she is feeling physically frustrated. Don't worry! I second the reference to William Sears who says high need (fussy!) babies are often very smart - they've worked out how to get a first-class service!

Oh and around 5 months we used to call my DD "Shouty" because she made so much noise - not crying but a sort of demanding shout like she wanted attention. She could clear shops and restaurants! She stopped shouting quite do much when she started to crawl and the new skill and interest in getting about sort of occupied her a bit more.

My DD is also 5 months old and can be really loud! As a ftm it's normal for us to feel like we're doing something wrong, and thoughtless comments from others don't help either. I find whispering to my DD helps as she'll often stop crying to hear what I'm 'saying' to her. I also take her to the fridge and open the door as the light and different colours help distract her from what's upsetting her.
I recommend persevering with taking her out, it took till she was about 3m old for her to not cry when I put her in her pram, now when I get the pram out her arms and legs start flailing in excitement.
Don't be too hard on yourself, all babies are different and will express themselves in their own way. Just try to enjoy your unique and special little bundle

It sounds like you have a 'spirited' little girl. Spirited children know what they want and are not afraid to show it. They can seem to be in conflict with you when you have no idea what you've done wrong, but in reality this is just their little, strong personality. My DS was just like this (all that stuff about 'relaxed parents making relaxed babies' made me feel so much more like it was my fault - I also suffered from PND). To make it worse, he hated to be cuddled even by me, but all hell broke loose if I tried to give him to anyone else... and he kicked and fought in the sling (we gave up on it quickly). Oh and he screamed through every baby massage session I took him to. My advice to you is to keep an eye on what seems to trigger it. Is she particularly sensitive to sound/people/light. Does she get over-stimulated or over-tired quickly? Just totally avoid those situations regardless of what the tough-love in-law types tell you to do. In fact ignore anything in-laws or anybody else tells you - be proud of your little girl for being strong-minded.

Now I fast forward to 15 months old and no word of a lie, I have the most cheerful, hilarious, loving toddler you have ever met. His tantrums are no where near as bad as those of his peers and he charms everybody who meets him. Oh he has his moments and is a little monkey at times, but he is so easy to understand because if he wants something, you know it! It makes all of the difficult times in his early month so very worth it :)

I have a whingey baby! She is 13 months now, and much better now she can walk, say a few words and do more. She's still quite high voltage though. When she was 5 months old I used to wonder why everyone else's baby was so cheerful and mine such a frustrated grump, but over time she got better! Just her personality I think, and also was/is very sensitive to being overtired. Don't worry - it is definitely nothing to do with you, babies just have different temperaments. She's probably just a bit frustrated and on the verge of being able to do new things that she can't quite do yet (sit, crawl etc.)