A message to all parents who concider spanking as education.
No matter what happens during the upbringing of a child - NEVER HIT, NEVER SPANK, NEVER SHOW OUT-OF-CONTROL BEHAVIOR; children will learn that violence solves problems if you do (monkey see, monkey do). If you hit them, and they still, for some reason look up to you, they will copy your behavior.
But spanking may also disorient them, and they are likely to disrespect you for it.
Some parents subconsciously spank to "get back" (so to speak) at their own parents, who might have hit them when they swore, or did things they didn't know better than doing...
You have to be patient and give the child reason to respect and admire you for your actions. This does not mean that you should spoil them by any means, or let them do as they please in any situation.
It is especially inhumane to spank a child for making a mistake - something you had not warned them about in advance... They should not be expected to know what you do - they don't have much life experience, and their first experiences should not include having their skin hit red by people they are supposed to respect.
You have to be able to explain and educate your child verbally - it's only human nature to show obstinacy at a young age, and it has been proven (over and over again), that such behavior cannot be spanked away.
Children must be listened to, and understood properly by their parents. They cannot be physically forced to think certain ways, and expected to grow up to be individuals with thoughts of their own.
Spanking has been banned by law in most of Europe, and since earlier this year, in Canada as well.
Are you aware that it's still OK by law (even suggested) for teachers to spank, cane and paddle kids in schools in 22 US states? There HAS to be a change to this! In Italy, this has been banned since 1865, and in Finland since 1890. The activity in the home was banned by law in Sweden in 1978.
In the US spanking at home is illegal in ONE state...
The US is a very religious country, and the bible, which hasn?t been much updated in 2000 years, suggests for people to spank their children, and for children to always accept their parent, since they ?know best??well, the world is changing, and HAS changed. A lot of people today know and UNDERSTAND that there are lots of incompetent parents, and that hitting will not solve a problem. It might seem to for the moment, but may, and will on some level, effect a child (a grown up child) psychologically in retrospect.
Circus animals are physically punished when taught tricks and "manners" - people should NOT be. People should be allowed to think, and partly learn of their own.
Parents in the US, more than other parts of the world, tend to follow certain quotes from the bible on parenting, but times are changing, and the bible is not being updated. This is a serious issue, people. Were you to move to Germany and spanked your child, you can count on being arrested. Same thing in Denmark. Same thing in Norway, Finland, Italy, Austria, Israel, Latvia, Cyprus...
There are passages in the bible that speak out AGAINST spanking as well... "Prov 13:24: "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently)." is a good example of this...
Recently doctors have noticed a disease (causing an inflammation in the intestine) which strikes adults who have been abused on different degrees as children...all people are different, some psychologically stronger than others, meaning that this disease can strike adults who subconsciously bear the memory of being spanked as abusive.
Smacking a child is a very LIGH form of abuse, hitting them with a belt or a cane is a HEAVY form of abuse.
No one becomes wiser (just like that) from having their butt smacked - people learn from experience. If they are forced they will become insecure.
We must not think of our children as sinister creatures living for ruining the little piece we get in our lives after work and school. Before having entered the life of parenthood, we may have been used to getting that time for relaxing, but when entering parenthood we must accept saying goodbye to big part of that piece.
We must love our children and understand that these people are the future of both us, and our grandchildren.
If you want to be a parent you must prepare yourself for being patient and understanding - the child should not live in fear by your or anyone else's demand.
Love your children, and think of ANYTHING but hitting (thus humiliating) them when their behavior is highly improper, and you may lose your temper.
Use your imagination - punishments can be bitter-sweet. It can be fun AND educational. You can make them clean their rooms (or do some of your daily chores) when they stubbornly disobey things they SHOULD and are INCLINED to do.
I have forbidden TV, I have withdrawn allowances and toys, I have given orders on cleaning their rooms, I have asked them to clean up possible messes that have been made, at needed times I have raised my voice (without sounding threatening) to let them know I've meant business and that they may have hurt my feelings by disobeying or done something they didn't understand the consequences of, and I have always explained to my children WHY some things should be done, and WHY some things should not be done BEFORE they have had the opportunity to make a mistake. Sometimes they have done wrong out of curiosity, and then there has been an educational discussion. It is natural for children to forget things what they are being told - it is not a disorder. A child's memory and ability to pay attention evolves a lot generally around the age of 8 (depending on the nature of the person this age varies).
Sometimes children can drive you mad (I know much about this,) and to put them in line we may occasionally grab an arm in anger or frustration, but don't undress their pants and smack their rears! They are defenceless and in a process of developing all their senses - give them reason to look up to you and admire your actions!
I love my children. Two of them are grown up now. They have never been spanked, and they are doing very well. They teach me a lot, and I admire them.
One of them just had a baby girl
Last...I want to quote Boris Sidis, from a lecture on the abuse of the fear instinct in early education in Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 1919:
"As long as the child will be trained not by love, but by fear, so long will humanity live not by justice, but by force. As long as the child will be ruled by the educator?s threat and by the father?s rod, so long will mankind be dominated by the policeman?s club, by fear of jail, and by panic of invasion by armies and navies.?
(this text can be found on the educational and recommended homepage of "project NoSpank")
Here is a link to a VERY educational passage of a speech by Astrid Lindgren for parents to read: www.atlc.org/Resources/never_violence.php
Thank you all for your time.
Sincerely,
Proud and loving Grandma' Amber