I need help. I'm a shit mum with no idea how to parent effectively.

[freakinundercover]

They just don't listen to me.

For example I have a rule that they only eat at the table, unless we're watching a film or something and they have a bowl of popcorn on their lap. EVERY SINGLE DAY ds will wander around with his snack, whether I'm sat with them or not. Every single day I say ds where should you be if you're eating? He says oh yeah the table I forgot. Sits back down. 2 mins later he's wandering around again.

I have tried taking snack away. Putting him in time out. Every day I end up shouting because he just doesn't listen or process it enough to do what he is told.

Mealtimes he's on and off his chair. Needs a wee, talking to the cat, looking at something in the garden, remembering something his teacher said to give me. DS sit down until you've finished eating. Ds sit down. Ds sit down! Last warning or I'm throwing dinner away and you're going on the step. Right ds THAT IS ENOUGH on the step now. DS back on the step. Ds your time is starting again now ON THE STEP...

Ds you need to get dressed now or you'll be going to school in your pjs. DS get dressed now. Ok ds I am leaving the house in 2 mins and you are coming in whatever state of dress you are in. He has been to school in pjs once and in trousers and tshirt (no socks or shoes). I'm the meanest mummy ever for this but it didn't get the message through, every day is the same.

Ds 5 mins til bathtime. Ds come upstairs and get in the bath. Ds bathtime. Ds NOW or no tv tomorrow. Ok fine ds you have lost the tv for tomorrow (don't care). Now get undressed to get in the bath. Ds why aren't you getting undressed? Undressed now or no story. Last night I lost it and put him in (now cold) bath still clothed.

I feel so useless. I tell him once, give him a chance to do it. Tell him again. Warn him, then punishment. I always follow through and he gets upset and cries then but every day I fight the same battles. It's exhausting. I have to literally stand over him to get him to do anything and even then he finds ways to get distracted.

I nag and shout every day and I am sick of it. This isn't how I want my life to be. I've smacked my children (which I thought I would never ever do) because I feel so out of control and like they won't do anything I say. When I've asked nicely, sanctioned and shouted and they are still pissing about.

I just don't know what to do.

how old are they?

6 and 7

Please help me. I've had enough. I want to pick them up from school today with a new strategy so we can get out of this horrible cycle.

I especially want to know how to deal with the daily battles eg getting dressed, sitting at table, tidying up, bedtime... I'm obviously doing it wrong or I wouldn't have the same battles every day.

ok. mine are 4 and 6, so a bit younger. it can be hard with two so close in age.

i would first stop with snacks and tv. we hardly have tv on in the house nowadays, and the kids are better for it. if you are fighting with them about snacks and tv, then that is one less thing to argue about.

i would decide on one or two things to focus on and go hard on those, and relax about everything else until they'd got the hang of it. this might be getting ready in the morning.

mine were like this too, messing about at breakfast so we were missing our bus. we now are in the habit of packing bags at night as part of our routine, and i help keep them on task by giving them timings (when th big hand is on the 6, you are going to stop eating and get dressed. okay, the big hand is on the 5, you have 5 minute etc..)

mine are also better the more responsibility i give them- i remind them to pack bags etc but they do it themselves. or face consequences.

everything got easier for me when i decided that my job was to teach them how to live in a good way in this world, and that this was an ongoing process with fuckups all round, on everyone's part, at times.

i also decided no try to never have an adversarial relationship. i do get cross sometimes but i really try my best to be patient and not be wound up.

i hope this is helpful.

your children love you, and you already are the best mother they will have.

once mine were better at getting ready, and used to a routine, we could work on other things

right now we are working on how to be angry with your brother without hurting him or saying mean things.

it's a process and it is getting better, partly because we are working at it, partly because they are growing up and maturing.

be as consistent as you can, be as loving as you can, and be patient, it will take time. i don't think there are any quick fixes that turn behaviour around in a week. that is supernanny bollox.

My mum used to throw my dinner in the bin or into my father if I left the table during the meal
I soon learned, apparently. I think I was an easily trained child.

Are there any parenting courses near you? I enrol onto one every time I feel myself slipping up and going into shouty mum mode. Kids know how to push your buttons - sometimes you need to wear the mask and not let them know you're rattled.

If you do lose it, apologise - it's good for kids to know that parents mess up too.

it's an age thing and also a pick your battles thing. Do they have to sit at the table for all food? Could they not sit in the front room and watch TV while they have their snack? Do you bath them every day? Do they need it? Obviously they have to go to bed and go to school but it seems like you have a lot of agro on a day to day basis, some of which could be avoided.

Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself going on and on and so just stop and see what happens. Provided the basic level of behaviour is fine then I will ignore small transgressions.

wrt the going to school in pajamas etc you need to find something that they really really want and then threaten to take it away if they don't ie get dressed. Either that or offer a reward if they do as they are told first time for a week. It has to be something they really want though.

btw mine are 3 and 7

Well you've got the right idea. if you feel like a stuck record, just warn once and then go straight to the consequence, it gets it over quicker. So fir example, if they keave the table, take their plate off them with out speaking and put it in the fridge. If they come back get it out again. Say less, it sounds as though they are tuning you out!

I can stop with tv no problem, they don't watch much anyway and it's not turning tv off that's a problem, it's the actual getting upstairs and undressed. The tv goes off without argument but then they spend 10 minutes rolling around on the floor complaining about having to get undressed

The 6 year old needs a snack after school though or he is evil. It's usually just an apple or piece of toast etc but does stop the tantrums we get if he doesn't eat. I just want him to sit still to eat it not wander around.

I just don't know how to get them to listen.

The food at the table thing came about because they used to be allowed snack in sitting room but they'd wander around, crumbs everywhere, stuff smeared on sofa, mashed into carpet... so I said ok if you can't sit in one place to eat it you can only eat at the table. Still doesn't bloody work

You have to believe you are in charge and act like it! Easier said than done when you are ground down. Mine never came downstairs on a schoolday until they were dressed, saved time and arguments. In fact they still dress as soon as they get out of bed on a weekday and they are teenagers. Weekends are a very different matter...

you need to say less and make it count when you do issue a warning. As Johnny says it sounds like they tune you out. When mine do the rolling about on the floor thing I clap my hands and say right upstairs in 5 or no kindles and the start the 5,4,3 etc. It only takes a couple of times for them to realise you are serious.

If its easily distracted that's the problem can you not make a game of it? Say a race to get dressed first with whatever reward you want to give (doesn't have to be stuff) .

I still have to dress and feed my 6 yr old and whatnot but we turn doing stuff into a game. Like brush the teeth is me being a big scary monster chasing him up the stairs in all 4s pretend trying . To catch his feet. Doing marks get set go to put on socks and shoes himself. Telling him what to do step by step as he needs to do it.

It is still standing over but it does mean mornings are more light hearted with less stress.

So to sum up.. put the play into it and be the distraction type of thing.

Since you need to make some changes to the routine, at this age I would be using a star chart to get some motivation going.

Oh Gosh I couldn't be arsed playing games when I needed to get to work...

jonny they definitely tune me out.

They have to get dressed every day yes, and they have to go to school. The older one has BO so needs to at least wash everyday so they bath or shower everyday. Not bathing or showering doesn't make any difference as they still faff around not getting undressed. Have slept in clothes before now and then gone to school in same clothes where I just gave up fighting. But that's not good parenting either IMO. Also I did a parenting class and the advice was to have the same routine every day so they know exactly what needs to happen in which order- this is supposed to take away the battle of getting simple daily stuff to happen.

I do try to pick my battles but then I sometimes feel like this leads them to take the piss even more. Give them an inch etc

I know, because I am the same. Ds1(9), DS2(5)

Discuss. Rules. Type them out, stick on fridge.
If disobeys, say "number 1 rule, on the fridge"
Take a step back. Dis-engage, ever so slightly.

Write the 4 or 5 rules, you have listed.

1. Snacks eaten at table. if he does not. You take away snack. No snack the next day. 3rd day, you check, are you going to eat it at the table? You know what will happen if you don't? As soon as he wander , take away. No shouting. No engaging. No discussion. nothing.

Same with other rules.

Put dinner infront of him. He eats. When wanders. Taken away. No discussion. End off. no talking. No discussing.
Talking about it, is just not necessary.

No naughty step. No discussion. Non negotiable.

lay the clothes out. get him dressed as soon as you get up. Get up earlier. Don't nag. Get yourself up and dressed first. Stand there, until he does it. No comments. No nagging. And do this the next day and the next day, until he's got it.
THEN, you take a step back.Do it all, at the beginning. Then you have breakfast. Then they can sit and watch tv/ or similar. And you will be ready earlier. Wondering why you did it any other way. Instead of running around shouting at the last minute.

Ds , 5 minutes till bath. Mum goes and runs bath and then goes and gets ds. he comes with her. Or they go together and she runs it, whilst he is there, getting undressed.
No talking about it. No nagging. Do it.

At first you are shadowing them more. Like a baby. As if you are going backwards. but in actual fact, you are not, or if you are, its temporary. there with them more. But very quickly, you find you can step back to being the mum, and them the 6 or 7 yr old.

Well the not undressing for a shower thing is easy.. put shower on.. tell them to undress or they're going in anyway and just lift in with pjs on. They soon come off.

I use a loud battery powered timer, I set it for 3 mins for getting dressed. It turns it into more of a game so they're more likely to do it.

It sounds like they've really tuned out. I got to that stage with ds1 when he was 6( now 7). It helped me to realise he wasn't being awful, he was just being a child - getting dressed etc is boring, a distraction from the important stuff of playing! He also finds it really hard to sit still at the table, whereas ds2 can sit nicely for ages.

Maybe pick your battles a bit more - they'll get better as they get older.

And you're not a shit mum - you care about how you're bringing them up, you're doing you're best and you're looking for ways to improve - you're a great mum!!!

Most other mums have been somewhere where you are at some point, I have!!

Funnys you say it only takes a couple of times for them to realise you're serious but it has been YEARS. I always follow through but it's the same story every day. I will try saying less and fewer warnings though for sure.

Ok so
get dressed in 5 or no tv/wii/bike after school
5,4,3,2,1

sit at the table to eat
dinner removed

Get undressed or no story
5,4,3,2,1

Is that it?

Cross posted Ob, thank you, that's what I need, it spelt out to me . I will try this from today.

When you say get him dressed do you mean physically do it for him to begin with?

I think I've definitely been using too many words. Like for eg I have said ds if you spend 15 mins rolling around on floor complaining about getting dressed then I will end up shouting and you'll have no time to do anything else. if you get dressed straight away I'm happy and you have 10 mins to watch tv/read/play. He hears "blah blah blah blah blah"

If they're both doing it would it help if you made it competitive ie first one ready gets a star on their chart and whoever has most at the end of the week gets something . I also agree with the advice to give the instruction once and then count to 5 ,it's just so much better when you don't feel you are nagging all the time .

They both don't listen but the older one responds to the warnings. Then younger one has tantrum because older doesn't get punished.