How do you all deal with stupid fucking tantrums?

[Ezza1]

And by stupid, I mean over stupid things. This morning the sky was the wrong colour It should have been blue but it was grey. Then there was too little milk on the cereal, then too much. Then he didn't want that fucking cereal, he wanted a different one Everything else was wrong in between. Then he point blank refused to get in the car. All before 0730. Then he came home from pre school and everything was wrong. Too much to bloody list. It was a moan a minute.

This is 3 year old DC3 I'm talking about. He is so sodding contrary.

I KNOW these things are important to him. I know he is testing/pushing boundaries. I know its likely to be a phase. I know he is learning... blah de blah blah but how the fuck do I deal with it? He is driving me utterly insane.

How do I learn how to remain calm? How do I respond to ridiculous pre schooler outbursts? Help me!!! I need tips on how to survive this. I need tips on how to de stress and get my relationship with DS back. This is just a small snapshot. His behaviour is really atrocious at times and is affecting the whole family and I'm starting to resent him for it.

*Please nobody mention fucking sticker reward charts

You sound so angry. I am sure he is aware of that and is reacting to it.

You have to break the cycle.

Can you start again and try and look at whether he is getting enough sleep, enough out door time, enough one to one and calming down time, regular routine?

It is hard, but he is only little.

Ignore, ignore, ignore

DS2 is only 2, but just starting this.
Sky, not sure what I'd do - maybe tell the Wind off for not blowing all the clouds away??
"I want this" "no, I want that" I stop after two, and ask which I'm eating and which he's eating. Usually gets him eating one, and I only need a mouthful of whatever he's rejected.
basically I try to give hima choice, both of which achieve the goal - but lots of what we have is to do with him wanting things himself, so its often choice of "who is going to do X Mummy or DS2?"
They DO grow out of it. DS1 is 4 and lovely 90% of the time.

'OOh look at the birds an we count them....
OOh, look at the honey nut loops, shall we sing to them...
Ooh, lets get in the car and count how many red ones we see on the way to school...' ad infinitum

I'm more angry with myself for lacking in patience, understanding and letting him get to me. I've done toddler/preschooler before (older teen DC's) - why can't I cope this time?

Routine has been affected by recent birth of DC4 but DS has been very trying since around 18 months - its just more sophisticated now.

He gets a lot of 1:1 from me - at the expense of DC4 - and we go out a lot. He sleeps well, eats well and behaves perfectly at pre school. It's just when I am around his behaviour takes a nosedive.

I've tried ignoring certain behaviours - this does occasionally work.

I know I am the problem. I just don't know how to sort it out

i posted similar thread a few days ago about dealing with tantrums as was serially losing my temper big time with them..in reflection i suppose the dc were actually imitating my behaviour! i have few answers as all kids different and all depends on the situation - do you have time to cajole out of the tantrum or do you, like we had to this morn, just need to get in the car & go..hence 20 min wild animal like tantrum (didn't like his car seat…) which led to him taking his trousers off (wtf??!!) and unbelting himself and throwing self round car. In the end I pulled over and got him out of car and said i'd leave him on roadside unless he stopped (to raised eyebrows of the perfect mums on the posh school run)…anyway, if i have time i cajole and basically psyche him out - if i don't i offer the treat i know he always wants, a bloody jaffa cake!! failing all the above i just walk away. also i practise saying no at other times. know this sounds odd but if i clamp down on things i know won't be an issue it gives me strength to say no to those things i know he'll kick off about and positions me to him as the 'enforcer'. Re things like the cereal etc, i wouldn't give in. ever. I've learnt hard way with dd1 that if you pander to these whims they walk all over you. as a friend of mine said, young dc are like dogs, they need to know who's in charge, and you need to show them who's in charge… good luck for a better day tomorrow (mind you always find fridays kick off as they are so tired) - to that point, if he's just started pre-school in sept (mine has) his behaviour is just a reaction to having to conform and behave beautifully there…sure you know this and it doesn't help with how to cope with it, but hopefully it's a phase that'll pass once he realises you're in charge! c'mon you've 2 older dc, you know it'll pass..in meantime give him loads of attention, fresh air, good food and sleep eat day …and grab yourself a large glass once he's in bed ;-))

Maybe try this tactic? www.reasonsmysoniscrying.com/

Ignore and change the subject to distract when you have time.
Do what he wants if it something silly but easy like changing what breakfast he wants even if he first asked for something else.
Bribe with a sweet if he won't get into the car.
I did this kind of thing with DS1 when he was 3,I also had a younger one and didn't have time for tantrums.
It hasn't let him run rings around me forever more though,he is now a much more reasonable 4 year old and is generally helpful and well -behaved.
Do what makes left easy at the time.

Are you 100% sure he is getting enough sleep? My DD's behaviour nosedives big time when she is overtired and she gets so much more trying on every level. She is nearly 4 and gets about 11.5 hrs sleep at night...

Not left,LIFE easy at the time

Make sure he's safe, walk away and start counting. I do this with ds. When he's got over the rage, which consumes him to the point that he hears and sees nothing, he comes and says sorry. Bless him. It will pass.

Thanks for your replies - it helps to know that I'm not the only one with a pre schooler who is hard work.

Tomorrow I will:

Count to 10
Take deep breaths
Go with the flow
Try to relax
Try to pick my battles
Try to summon the enthusiasm to jolly along the millionth conversation as to why the cat cannot wear DSs hat fucking Dr Seuss

I know deep down what I should be doing and how I should be doing it I'm just finding it all too much at the moment. I will attempt the above though. Writing all this down has really helped actually - thanks for your input

If it helps I've had the day from hell with ferocious tantrums. Am not feeling good as resorted to smacking- which made no difference anyway. Am frazzled from it & dreading doing all again tomorrow

We are having some massive tantrums here too (DD2 nearly 3). Bedtime one over a toy unicorn which I said was pink but is dark pink apparently.

If I'm really bored of the constant yelling I have found that sometimes being really, really silly shocks them out of it. Chatting nonsense, calling things by the wrong name (zip up your banana, DD2, it's cold!) and so on.

The only problem with this approach is that sometimes it makes them even angrier with you. But being silly makes it easier for me to feel less annoyed, I have found.

Ezza, how did today go?

I don't know

No, Zing I wouldn't expect you to know how *ezza"'s day went.
Hows your head? need and [black hat]?

Sorry, Ezza, will try to stop Zing derailing any further.

Has he just started preschool? Don't underestimate just how much that will wear him out. He sounds exhausted to me. When my ds gets like this, I sweep him up and cuddle him as that's what he needs.
When I pick him up from preschool I always have a snack ready. Give that to him and he's much easier to deal with.

Try and take a step back and think why he's upset. Tired/hungry? Giving him extra attention will only get you so far - he might just need a little rest or something.

I also suspect that you've forgotten just what 3 year olds are like... So it seems worse but probably about standard (sounds standard to me!)

I meant I don't know how to deal with tantrums...

(kids or yours next! )

Today was a good day next, thanks for asking - I'm not drinking wine so that's a bloody good marker as to how I've coped

I'm not feeling very well today (which probably explains why I was so pissy yesterday) and DS was aware of this and has been full of sympathy and generally lovely.

The only major incident was when he found a pair of scissors in DC1's room whilst chatting to pestering him. They belong in the kitchen apparently, not in DC1's room. Who knew? That all blew over in less than 10 minutes though.

I do think I've forgotten what 3 year olds are like!

He generally sleeps around 10 hours but we have a shit routine at the moment so it is all at different times as in he has no set bedtime. This needs working on...

I realise he has had a lot to deal with recently - the main change being the new baby - and I know I need to allow for that and understand. I will get there!!!

Every day I have to remind myself to not correct the contrary comments from my 3 yo DS.
He is sweet and adorable but when I read your OP I wondered if I might have written it in my sleep.
I struggle ATM due to severe sleep deprivation (check out the time on this post) but it helps when I have crowbarred in a bit of time to rest/ think/ tackle a task I have been worried about IYSWIM. Then there's less on my plate when dealing with him.
I have decided to use one of the timesthat DD naps playing with DS rather than catching up on chores and I just try to start each day with loads of positives. When I am doing well, and he says things that are contrary I just say something neutral but like I'm interested IYSWIM. Like "Oh i see" or just repeat what he has said.
My biggest issue is refereeing his interactions with DD.
I'd definitely welcome some more tips so will lurk here for a bit if that's ok

I would recommend this book. There is mention of sticker charts, but there is an awful lot of sense about why children behave as they do and what strategies you should adopt to deal with it. Including what to ignore.

I let them do it, just wait patiently til its all gone, then I say " fancy a hug?" They are too little to control emotions. Then I say come on, let's do x or whatever.

But I don't give them what they want. Dh often changes his mind as generally he says no without thinking, when yes is fine eg " can I bring toy rabbit in the car?" This is very unhelpful.

I wouldn't mind a sticker chart for me:) with a prize for being calm:)

Two things I found helpful with my 3 year old.

One is a milk jug that he can pour his own milk over his own cereal. No more tears about Mum getting it wrong.

The other is funnily enough less choice. It sounds counter productive but was necessary because of the constant mind-changing. By that I mean:
DS: "Mummy I want toast"
Me: "ok what do you want on it?
DS: "Jam please"
Me: "here you go"
DS: "I don't WANT jam, I want marmite!"
Cue meltdown.

Now he gets told "you can have some toast with jam if you want some". If he asks for marmite after accepting it he gets told that marmite is for tomorrow, today is jam. Then it's his choice. But I will say that I'm careful to make sure both options his 'favourites'.

I do the milk jug thing. He loves that.