DS and porn

[NoMoreDoormat]

I just posted this in pretend but maybe it would be better here. Maybe admin could remove one of the posts if I'm not allowed duplicate. Thanks

Hi, I don't post very often here but I am at a complete loss and could really do with some advice. My ds is 12 and at the moment I'm really struggling with him. This time last year I discovered he was watching porn on his net book. I talked to him about it and took it away from him. Gradually he earned it back but went straight back to watching porn so it was removed completely. I admit it was probably my fault for not having parental control on it but I'm a bit of a technophobe and didn't know how to do that.

So, net book was completely removed from him and then one day I decided to look through his phone and what do I find only lots of porn downloaded. As far as I was aware he only used the phone as an alarm for school, he didn't seem bothered with it at all so I was completely shocked. I didn't even realise his phone was capable of this as it was just a cheapie I'd got him so his dad could contact him. So I took his phone and disabled all internet access on it. It can now be used only for calls and texts.

I told his dad what was going on at this stage. I was pretty hysterical tbh, this was hardcore porn he was watching and he seemed addicted to it. Anyway, the next time he was with his dad for the weekend he had a serious chat with him. Told him porn wasn't real life and that he shouldn't be watching it as that's not what love and sex were about. I then had a chat with ds, along the same lines. I asked him when he felt the need to be watching this all the time but all he could say was 'I don't know' over and over again.

That was all a few months ago and I thought we'd got through to him. Roll on this morning, I don't know what made me do it but I switched on his xbox. I had no idea there was a browser on that, I thought it was just for gaming. Lo and behold what do I find only that the history is full of porn. I have no idea how to get the dates up on the history but I presume it's recently. All that's in the history is porn, nothing else. I feel sick, I really do. I've sat and cried for the last 20 minutes and now I'm just angry. So angry. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. What is wrong with my son? This isn't normal and to be totally honest I think I've had enough of him. The way I'm feeling right now I want to pack his bags and send him to live with his dad. I honestly don't want to look at him and I'm dreading him coming home from school because I know for a fact I'll get no answers from him and I'll just lose my temper and shout. I'm at the end of my tether here. He's 12!!

Please help

God OP I would be in a state too! :( The only thing I can suggest is a complete electronics ban - every single thing. No Internet whatsoever and you need to get some parental safety on all devices urgently. Pc world or similar will help you, or your local computer repair shop.

There are resources out there to help teach teens about responsible use of the Internet, will have a look for some links for you.

Goodness, that must be very horrible for you.

I can't offer any advice, hopefully other MNers will have advice and support.

11 and 12 seems too young to be interested in porn. That is quite shocking.

Oh please don't be angry at him :( He's naturally curious and porn is very, very addictive. He is not old enough to be able to fight those feelings by himself. If you want something to be angry about, be angry that it's so easily accessible in our society. The problem with banning electronic devices is that he can still access it at friends' houses etc (although hopefully due to his age this is unlikely.)

If you want to list every single electronic device you have in the house I am sure that MNers will be able to tell you whether it's possible to access the internet from them. Or the simple way would be to get someone to tell/show you how to change the password on the internet, and he will have to ask if he needs it for school work etc. You put it in without him seeing, and then supervise him.

It might sound extreme but I think it might be worth contacting CAMHS? You can access them through your GP and they should be able to support you in how to help him get over this before it does too much damage.

Wow! It is VERY normal for 12 year old boys (and girls) to be curious about sex! There is nothing wrong with him. Getting so angry with him you want to chuck him out is really not good for you and he having a healthy relationship where he can talk to you about any worries he has. No wonder he's looking at stuff if that is your reaction - seriously you need to talk gently and reassuringly to him. Poor kid must feel he's completely abnormal.

Thank you all. I think I was too trusting of him after the first incident and it's come back to bite me on the bum. I'm definitely taking away the xbox and after that there will be no electronics available to him. Net book has already been removed and although he has his phone it's unable to access the internet at all. There's nothing else in the house really that I can think of.

I've left the xbox in his room for the moment and he'll be told to pack it all up when he gets home from school. I think that might hit home with him a bit more than if it was already removed.

Sorry for lack if personal replies, I'm on my phone and find it hard scrolling back. Is there an easier way to access Mumsnet than through safari? Like an app or something?

Titchy, I know it's normal to be curious about sex at that age. That's why I spoke calmly to him the first couple of times. What's not normal as far as I'm concerned is the amount of time spent watching it. I'm talking HOURS on end of severe hardcore porn. So yes I'm angry that he's gone back to doing it again. I'm terrified that he thinks this type of sex and aggression is normal and afraid of him being around girls now

Yes there is an app, but I find the mobile site easier TBH.

I agree it's normal for them to look and be curious and maybe look a few times but to watch it for hours on end does sound more worrying.

I think you have caught it early enough - he might be looking at porn and starting to think about this kind of thing, but there's almost zero chance that he's actually physically and emotionally at the stage of having sex, so I don't think you need to worry about him being around girls. In fact it's probably best to encourage him to be around girls as friends so that he continues to relate to girls as people, as he always has done, and doesn't change his perception of girls/women as being just sexual objects the way they are shown in porn.

But how do you know he has spent hours and hours looking at hard core porn? He's probably looked at hundreds of different web links, but for just a few seconds at a time.

You absolutely need to tell him why you object to him looking at this sort of material (it's not real, exploitative etc etc) which you have done. But you need to bear in mind that in a few years time he is likely to be having a physical relationship, and he needs to know that if he has any questions about sex, contraception, puberty, masturbation etc etc that you will answer him calmly and without judgement. Completely going off on one is NOT conducive to a relationship where he feels comfortable asking you questions, and he will seek answers from elsewhere.

Seriously quit the anger and get rid of the opinion that it's not normal. Oh and get him a book that explains stuff if you're not comfortable telling him what he clearly needs to know.

I know he spent hours watching because there were dates and times on the history when I checked the net book. He would disappear to his room for hours and I stupidly thought he was either playing the xbox or reading.

I know i need to let go of the anger but I'm just so upset right now. I'm upset that he's been so devious about it all

its completely normal for boys around that age to want to start looking at porn.
Hes a bag of hormones.
Of course he shouldnt access it on family computers, but he needs a safe space, and he needs for you not to be moralising and making him feel ashamed.

Its not as if he can or should be going out and having sexual relationships

Well of course he's been devious about it! You can hardly expect him to say 'Oh by the way mum don't disturb me for an hour I'm off to surf some porn....' especially when he knows you'll go ballistic!

i think youre projecting a lot onto him.

Hes your son, not your husband. You cant control his sexuality.

By all means speak to him about the ethics of it, but its his choice. If youre worried about porn damaging him, then you dont need to give him even more issues on top

bran teenage brains are so so plastic especially the part around arousal and sex, so while being curious and interested in sex is one thing, hours of porn watching seems more like an addictive behaviour, especially when boundaries and sanctions have been set to no avail.

12 is young, very young, Y6 young, or maybe just Y7.

The Scarlet Letter website is a good one for teens to find out about dafe sex.

I would be inclined to talk to your school and get a CAHMS referral. Very worrying behaviour.

Take away all electronic devices, switch his phone to a non smart phone. Friends can still send him inappropriate images if they have smart phones.

Don't be angry with him but do protect him.

He may be old enough to be curious it I don't think he is old enough to process the hard core porn that is easily accessible!

Security is key. No access to the internet on any devices, it's normally pretty easy to set this up. Certainly on apple, you can add restrictions very easily. Turn of the router when he's not using it for school work if restrictions aren't easily sorted. Most phones have child filter apps available, read the reviews and find one you think can work.

Porn on the brain was a really powerful programme on channel 4 recently about the effect of porn on young minds. Might still be available on 4od. I watched it with my DH and we were both pretty shocked! It prompted me to have my first 'porn chat' with just 11 year old ds1 and has made me realise We need to be much more on the ball.

School and CAMHS - you must be joking! Talk about how to give a kid a serious complex around sex!

12 is probably year 8 by the way, second year of secondary school.

11 and 12 is year 7! My DS is 11 in year 6!

It's very young to be spending long periods looking at porn! Porn is not good for young minds, it gives a very disturbing message about sexual relationships with nothing 'real'to counter what they are seeing.

I'm in ireland so he's still in primary school. He's barely gone 12, not as if he's almost 13. I could understand if he was 14 or 15 but this is just way too young.

I'm going to check 4od for that programme, thanks

It's not about moralising. It's not about saying children should never see a naked body until they're on their wedding night, not at all.

But the majority of porn that is freely available on the net for anybody to find (that's what it's there for, of course!) portrays a really warped and sickening view of sexuality. It's not about policing his sexuality, it's about protecting him and letting him develop his own ideas about sex at an appropriate time, without it being warped by expectations and ideas of "what sex is" where porn is nothing like actual sex, especially the kind of sex you have when you're young and inexperienced and exploring for the first time.

OP if you repost in "Teenagers" you may get a different angle of reply. There are also many very experienced posters in there who could be able to advise on the best course of action.

I really think this situation is very different to discovering a mucky mag under your 15 year old's mattress, partly because of his age, partly because of the content, but mostly because of the sheer scale.

titchy that is one way of looking at it, but I would hope that a youth watching lots of porn which will be influencing his views on sex, and women, would be able to meet with a sensitive adult who was trained in working with young people and hep him unpick why watching so much is damaging. That is my opinion, and while ignoring the situation might be one way to ensure he doesn't get a "complex" it would not be my way. But then I am opposed to porn. Perhaps you are not?

Porn objectifies women and presents us with an extreme, unrealistic and often violent image of sex.

Honestly, I'm not particularly opposed to the concept of porn.

I am opposed to the kind of porn which is commonly available being allowed to influence and shape developing sexuality. I think it's grotesque. It's the equivalent of force feeding a 6 month old, just-weaning baby a large adult sized McDonald's meal.

OP said her son was 12. That would be an old year 7 or more likely a year 8 in England, which is secondary not primary. Obviously OP has clarified she is in Ireland which has different year groups.

Why would your opinion be different if he was 14? Kids develop at very different rates, and whilst I'm not in favour of kids looking at porn, they're going to, and parents should realise this is entirely normal. Particularly at this age when they're full of hormones.

Getting angry just makes it a more underground furtive activity, AND rules out a healthy relationship between parent and child when the child actually needs decent advice and guidance.

Yes OP does need to have a serious chat about the cold hard reality of the porn industry and how damaging it can be to both adults and kids, but shrieking 'He's not normal' and exploding with so much rage she actually considers booting him out of his home, is IMO far more damaging to him than him looking at porn.

Nillbyname - that calm sensible adult should be his mum. It doesn't need to be a specially trained youth worker. That's the point I am trying to make.

Or dad.

titchy yes you may a point about it being one of the parents, but I think the op is way out of her depth here and in need of some additional support. Anyway, think we are singing from the same dog sheet here.

op hope you get this sorted.

GP and CAMHS or whatever is the equivalent where you live.

The issue I have is that he seems to have become addicted to porn and this is NOT good. Not for am adult and not for a teenager.
But is would be surprised if he is able to listen to you or his father. He needs outside input to deranged all the feelings around porn. Incl the sexual feelings he will he getting throught that but might not get in rl.
He does need someone who doesn't see him as a son, a child but as individual person. Which is almost impossible to separate as a parent.
In the mean time, you need to learn about internet safety, how to put as much protection as you canon to compuers etc and make all electronic stuff to use only in the living room where you can keep an eye on him.