DS and porn

[NoMoreDoormat]

I just posted this in pretend but maybe it would be better here. Maybe admin could remove one of the posts if I'm not allowed duplicate. Thanks

Hi, I don't post very often here but I am at a complete loss and could really do with some advice. My ds is 12 and at the moment I'm really struggling with him. This time last year I discovered he was watching porn on his net book. I talked to him about it and took it away from him. Gradually he earned it back but went straight back to watching porn so it was removed completely. I admit it was probably my fault for not having parental control on it but I'm a bit of a technophobe and didn't know how to do that.

So, net book was completely removed from him and then one day I decided to look through his phone and what do I find only lots of porn downloaded. As far as I was aware he only used the phone as an alarm for school, he didn't seem bothered with it at all so I was completely shocked. I didn't even realise his phone was capable of this as it was just a cheapie I'd got him so his dad could contact him. So I took his phone and disabled all internet access on it. It can now be used only for calls and texts.

I told his dad what was going on at this stage. I was pretty hysterical tbh, this was hardcore porn he was watching and he seemed addicted to it. Anyway, the next time he was with his dad for the weekend he had a serious chat with him. Told him porn wasn't real life and that he shouldn't be watching it as that's not what love and sex were about. I then had a chat with ds, along the same lines. I asked him when he felt the need to be watching this all the time but all he could say was 'I don't know' over and over again.

That was all a few months ago and I thought we'd got through to him. Roll on this morning, I don't know what made me do it but I switched on his xbox. I had no idea there was a browser on that, I thought it was just for gaming. Lo and behold what do I find only that the history is full of porn. I have no idea how to get the dates up on the history but I presume it's recently. All that's in the history is porn, nothing else. I feel sick, I really do. I've sat and cried for the last 20 minutes and now I'm just angry. So angry. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. What is wrong with my son? This isn't normal and to be totally honest I think I've had enough of him. The way I'm feeling right now I want to pack his bags and send him to live with his dad. I honestly don't want to look at him and I'm dreading him coming home from school because I know for a fact I'll get no answers from him and I'll just lose my temper and shout. I'm at the end of my tether here. He's 12!!

Please help

Aargh, just typed a long reply and lost it!

Thanks to everyone for all the advice, I really do appreciate all of it. Did came home from school and I had a good chat with him. Told him what I'd found and asked him why he went back to watching it even after he'd been told it wasn't appropriate. After a few shrugs of his shoulders he admitted that he just couldn't stop. I told him once again that it wasn't suitable for him, that it's not what sex is all about and is giving him unrealistic expectations. I told him I was disappointed as I had given him my trust again. I also said that while I understand he is curious about sex that this is just the wrong way to go about it. I told him I wanted him to be able to feel he can come to me or his dad with any questions but if he feels uncomfortable with that I would get him a book that explains things in a more age appropriate manner.

I wasn't angry and I didn't shout. In my initial post I was just shocked and frustrated. I was nice and calm by the time I spoke to him.

He's upstairs right now packing away his xbox. I told him it has to go as he betrayed my trust. This has really affected him as he absolutely loves his gaming but I feel I have no other choice. I've probably done all this arseways but I feel I did my best. Feeling guilty of course but I don't know how else I could have handled it

op that is all well and good, but you need to keep it going and keep the dialogue open.

Have you thought about his time at other kids houses, or if he can receive pictures on his phone? Have you disabled the home internet or gone and got proper nanny net protection?

I think you've dealt with it well. It might be worth finding out how to disable the browser or the internet (will be as simple as unplugging it or blocking it from the wifi) on the console and then he can have it back for gaming only. But removing it for now will help him see that you're trying to help him even though he feels it's unfair.

Eventually of course he will be in a situation where he has access to the internet - do you think you can talk to him about coping strategies? Blocking access is all well and good when he's 12 but you can't do that forever and I think he does need support here - he's told you himself he can't stop.