What do you actually do when your toddler is having a full blown tantrum..?

[driedapricots]

Just wondered what everyone else does. When they have those crazy, about nothing, kicking & screaming tantrums.. I don't mean 'normal' tantrums - I mean the mammoth ones. My ds has between 1-4 of these a day..& usually I start off calm but after about 10 mins of getting nowhere & escalating screaming, I lose it & resort to threats to smack & on bad days hands up I smack out of utter desperation to get thru to him.. After a warning & very controlled on back of legs.. But I know it's not right.. In fact by that stage it's all absolutely pointless as he can't see or hear me for screaming.. I can't walk away as he throws things around & is a danger to himself.. So what techniques do others use that work?

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Stay in the room if you need to for safety but don't react, don't say anything, turn your back if you can, don't even make eye contact.

Any attention is good as far as toddlers are concerned, even negative attention.The trick is to find a way to zone out and not react in any way until they have started calming down, so they can start to learn what behaviour gets them what they want.

Are there any obvious triggers?

I also ignore as much as possible.
Don't engage, don't talk.
Move stuff if needed and then walk away.
Could you set up a safe area that you put him into? Then leave him to it.

Snacking obviously doesn't work because he still does it.

It helps me to recognise that when my two tantrum, it's because their emotions are out of control and they don't know how to manage them or tell you what's wrong, even if they can talk.

You need to play the long game - when he's angry, annoyed, tired etc tell him that he's feeling a certain way. Give him the words now so one day he will be able to tell you.

I find tantrums are worse if I'm in a bad mood or tired. So how are you? I suspect at your wits end because of the smacking.

So I try and head off tantrums. Don't sweat the small stuff - if dd wants to wear boots and not shoes then fine she can.
If I know they're tired or hungry, I don't try doing anything too exciting and give them snacks or early meals.

I give two choices - helps them have control. Eg do you want mummy to put your coat on or should you do it?

Also when they do go mad, I don't leave them. I will wait around and give them a cuddle once they've calmed down. My eldest rarely tantrums now (4) and my youngest (22 months) has quick ones. They need a hug at the end - its not a reward - because they tend to be genuinely upset once it has passed. I know it helps because I've never had full blown ones with them. They know it doesn't work!

Thx, all good advice. I don't give in either .. I guess what I'm looking for is techniques to ride it out myself in such a way that I don't lose my temper. I am def less tolerant when tired but I find them so hard to handle generally bcos I just don't know what they are about or how to calm him down half the time. I shall try to verbalise to him next time & then walk away. Let's see!

When our 2.4 yr old DS decides to have a full on tantrum, we just tell him to get on with it, ignore him and chat. We can see he's safe, so when he's decided he's not getting the attention he thinks he's going to get he gives up and comes to play.

I agree with giving them words. What's working for us, know DD is getting a grasp on language, is catching her the first moment I can see her about to turn into a she-devil and then I kneel down so that I'm her level (Supernanny has trained me well ) and I ask her what's wrong, maybe suggest what could be wrong, ask her to show me.

So today she started having a tantrum at the CM's when I picked her because she saw some sweets on the side and couldn't reach them. I asked her to show me what she wanted, and when I realised it was the sweets I explained that she couldn't have them because we were going home, but maybe when we got home we could see if we had any sweets. It's not guaranteed to work, but sometimes it does. I think they understand a hell of a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for, and that trying to explain to them and offer alternatives can help.

I've only got one and she's not fully hit the terrible twos so god knows I'm no expert, but I find trying to see from a toddler's perspective why she is tantruming sometimes helps. Sometimes it is something you can distract them away from or explain in some degree.

You have my absolute sympathy. My 16mo DS screamed today for 40 minutes in one of the most epic tantrums I've ever seen. Walking in a buggy didn't help, cuddles didn't help. Milk and dummy were lobbed at my head in fury . eventually a total stranger in a cafe picked him up and the shock of being taken off to walk with them around the room did it. I've never seen anything like it! My eldest has never tantrumed so its all new to me.

I think distraction or riding it out are the only options at this age . you don't say how old your LO is.mine isn't talking yet so its hard to give him words or talk him round. Ugh . bloody horrible!

I always dealt with the tantrum before it escalated by asking dd to "tell me with words" what was wrong. This always worked and I never experienced a full blown tantrum. I realise I may have just been lucky and had a non tantrumming child. I think its harder when you are busy and need to be somewhere but it always ends up being quicker to stop and listen I have found.

I used to read a pocket book of Flags. I carried it in my bag. Worked a treat and i learnt all about flags too.

my best friend used to tantrum so bad as a cgild that her paremts used to put her in the garden and just let her tire herself out in safety. I think some kids get to a stage when they can't be reasoned with. part of me thinks that was cruel but her parents are the most gentle ppl ever and im sure they tried everything else and this was the only thing that worked
my daughter doesn't have such bad ones, I try changing rooms we are in and playing clam music which I sing whilst mostly ignoring her, and I also ask her to help me with something really simple once she's calmed down eg oooh mummy's dropped her pen, could u pass it to me please?...then if she doesn't, just let it go, but if she does, I give insane amounts of praise
ive found that by giving her an opportunity to be good in a new context, she stops quickly. not sure why
I like the flags idea!

I say to him "when you're ready to go upstairs/have lunch/go in the bath come and tell mummy" then I leave him to it.

I used to stand and observe as if he were on TV. I have no reaction except for making sure that there was something soft under his head if it was a 'horizontal tantrum'. Lol
I'd make occasional brief comments like "Enjoying yourself? Take as long as you like. Cosy down there?"

That worked a treat. He must've been 1-3yrs.

Really super tight cuddle, not a reward cuddle but a big strong holdy cuddle with lots of shushing. Didn't need to do it many times.
We have plenty of strops which we leave him to. The cuddle did seem to work and we only had a few (again might not have been a tantrum child though).

If at home, step over him, continue doing what I'm doing and wait till he's finished. Hug at end.

If out, wrestle under arm and run away to a quiet corner.

It passes :)

I used to pretend to ignore DS (who could throw Olympic-standard tantrums aged 2) while hovering nearby to make sure he was safe. Anything else just prolonged it.

I have in the past resorted to asking friends, family and total strangers to leave us alone, as attention tended to make things worse.

Agree with giving DC a cuddle afterwards, for reassurance, but personally I would not do the tight hug thing during the tantrum as DS used to thrash about so much that one or both of us would have ended up injured eventually, I suspect.

Mummyoftheyear- laughing out very loudly at your comments to tantruming child! Love it.

I would ask if he needed help to calm down, and then either help (if yes) or move him somewhere safe to continue until he was finished.

I think it's worth remembering that tantrums can be pretty frightening/overwhelming for the child too - they completely lose control of their emotions. You need to stay in control of yours or the whole situation will seem unsafe to them. They aren't deliberately being naughty or trying to piss you off.

I will stay in the room as I don't want her to feel abandoned and occasionally offer some reprieve like " do you want a hug?" Or "do you want to look at pictures on my phone"? Eventually she says yes and we can move on.
If I try placating at the beginning it's useless as she will just insist on the opposite and it's clear she doesn't know what she wants and isn't in control if her emotions.
Mine usually does it after waking up from a nap so there's not a "trigger" as such that I can communicate with her over. It's like she just needs to scream and kick for 10 minutes.
At the time it feels like it will never end though.

I do one of two things.

Either get up and remove myself from the room without a word, giving the impression that I haven't noticed anything. Obviously I make a mental check that the room is safe first.

Or look up with a blank face and say (in a flat tone) "if you're going to make that awful noise you'll have to go and make it somewhere else" and pick them up and carry them to another (safe) room and shut the door, saying in a calm inviting tone: "come back in the other room when you've stopped the noise, won't you?", then walk out without looking back.

Without an audience they burn out pretty quickly.

Put in room and ignore for five minutes until he's stopped throwing large plastic things about

Sh77, the more I (safely) encouraged him to continue, the more discouraged to do so he'd become. Reverse psychology worked brilliantly - with him, anyway ;)

If I tell mine to use their words (bearing in mind they both have speech delays) then I get a lot of screaming and occasionally a kick in the face. Thankfully DD is at the point now where if I ask her if she wants to go to her room, she realises that she needs to some time on her own to calm down, and generally goes. No help at all while we're out though,we just had to leave a birthday party because she would not calm down. They were both so hideous I had to leave, weeping with shame. May never take them out of the house again.

Ignore mostly.

Though like MummyOfTheYear I often can't resist comments like, "having fun?", or "quite finished?"

Somewhat depends how old he is.
There is no point in speaking / shouting /threatening or trying to punish once he has started. Never, ever give him what he wanted after a tantrum. You need to make sure he is safe and then ignore. Don't even look at him, mine used to follow me if I left the room.
He is a baby and you are an adult, don't let it annoy you he is beyond self control, try to smile to yourself and know it's only a phase.