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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I need quick advice-ds tantrumming in his room

43 replies

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 17:32

Collected ds1(8) from afterschool club 30 minutes ago, he was in normal mood, no overly happy, not overly grumpy, came in and went to the kitchen for a drink and asked if he could have a chocolate cereal bar i said no as i was about to start dinner.. I came in living room to hang coats and i heard rustling, peeked out and saw him hiding a bar in his inside coat pocket. I asked him to open his coat and when i saw the bar i asked him to put it back. He said he would keep it for after dinner i said well if you hadnt tried to sneak it you could keep it but not now. He said fine take it then and as i grabbed it he pulled away then put his foot out to stop me closing the cupboard. I said go to your room and he did, stroppily. Ds2 (4) was upstairs and i could hear ds1 having a go at him so i went up to bring ds2 down and ds1 stood saying 'i didnt get my drink- im still waiting. I'm still waiting.' The whole time ds2 and i ignoring him. As i got to the living room ds threw something downstairs then a couple minutes later he came down and stood at the door demanding i get him a drink so i just walked over and as i did he turned to go back up stairs but then turned and threw his shoe back down at me which hit me in the head. But i followed him up and just closed his bedroom door. He is now throwing stuff round his room. I can hear it.

This is old behaviour that he used to pull but i thought was gone. Sometimes i reacted badly and shouted, sometimes i ignored, sometimes i cried and told him i didnt know how to deal with him. I need to get this stopped for once and for all. It is ridiculous to react like this to bejng told he cant have a bar. He wouldnt do this at school ir at his dads. I know this for sure. I have been very calm this evening and intend to stay calm.

How do i deal with this immediate situation? Do i leave him in the room til he is calm or do i let him come down himself when he is calm. He is supposed to have scouts tonight- do i not let him go as a consequence? Do i i bring him down for dinner? Bring it up to him? Keep it for him til ive had an apology? Do i ask for an apology or just hope for one?

Sorry for all the questions but i need to get this cracked with some sort of consistent response that drives home the message that i am disgusted with his behaviour and it is never to happen again.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:38

Leave him in his room for now, do not engage! Let him get it all out and get calm

Go about busy as normal and pretend that this is not happening for now

Are you on your own not clear from your op?

What have you tried in the past? Sanctions removal of treats, rewards for good behaviour etc???

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 17:42

Yes im on my own.

In the past- removal of playstationtime- or if there was a trip coming up that he was going on- not allowed outside- removal of tv time

If he comes down and is calm do i impose a consequence? Do i ask for an apology or wait til it is offered?

If he doesnt come down do i go up after a while? He'll need to eat.

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:42

Ment to say if he comes down and is still going for it, walk him back up to his room and leave him there do not engage at all!

You need to be steely calm!

There's a few issues here

The way he took something and tried to hide it
They way he has spoken to you
The throwing objects at you
Taking his anger out on his brother
Possible damage of his possession

What's he like at school?
How long has this be going on?
Could something bd triggering his behaviour? Stress, fear, food, medical issue?

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 17:46

He started behaving like this about 3 years ago an it went on for about a year, bad attitude in school at the time and the teacher and i had quite a few meetings about him answering back and being defiant/disruptive. I asked about external help or the school pastoral officer getting involved but the teacher seemed to want to persevere herself and things did settle. For the past twoish years he has been much better with the occasional tantrum at home, no issues in school at all but the attitude with me persists. It's mostly just the way he speaks to ds2 and I. I am constantly correcting his tone.

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:47

Let him calm down first! I'd do dinner for your other dc and just plate his up you can feed him later!

At 8 he's old enough to offer an apology I wouldn't ask for one!

I would when he's calm sit down and talk to him. Ask him how he feels? How would he feel if someone threw thing at him? Try not to tell him how your feeling see if you am turn it on him.

Tell him you love him!

If anything damaged in his bedroom he's going to need to help pay to replace it! Give him a consequence for the damage if he wants his things back

Is he getting lots of exercise outdoors?

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:49

Could he be picking the tone up from somewhere else? He sounds like he's lacking respect for you and a female teacher could that be comming from someone?

Would you consider family counciling etc?

It sounds a very difficult situation for all of you

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 17:54

Ok how's your relationship with your ex? Would he back you on this and help his son?

If not is there another man in the family that ds looks up to / respects? That could give your support?

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 17:57

His dad and i have no contact. He was abusive and continues to be in phonecalls and texts so i havent engaged in a few months now. He collects dcs every other weekend.

There isnt really anyone else. My dad Is very old school when it comes to discipline and doesnt understand how to speak with/deal with children.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:00

Definitely lacks respect for me. I there a health visitor equivalent for school age children or just the gp? I need to talk to someone professional. I cant have this anymore. I was depressed for a few years after da2 was born and let a lot go unchecked but im getting back on my feet now and i'm not raising a bully.

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 18:02

Well I would think there is a possibility that exstbh is part of the problem then!

Right you need help, would you consider talking to your gp for a federal to cams or a child / family counciling?

I'd also consider talking to the school and explaining that you are having some bahvioue issues at home and could they offer any suggestions.

How are you?????

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:03

He doesnt get enough outdoors time. I limit the tv and playstation but he will stay in and read or play in his room or downstairs. Plus with being in school all day and the. Afterschool club. Perhaps i should finish the afterschool club? I dont need it for childcare its just something he wants to do so he goes 2 afternoons a week.

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 18:03

I'm not the best person to ask about uk services as I'm not in the uk!

You have done really well! Get the professionals involved now and get help for both of you.

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:05

I am generally quite well and im having a lot more good days than bad now. I definitely feel well again.

Yes his dad's attitude is likely to be picked up by him but i thought it wouldnt have an effect as he spends so little time with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:06

He has a new teacher this year but i will ask for an appointment. She seems very in the ball so i there is an issue im sure she'll pick it up.

OP posts:

RhondaJean · 21/10/2013 18:08

There might be a school nurse?

You're doing great though, stay calm, consistent and clear. It's bloody hard isn't it?

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 18:08

I'd definitely get him outside more and perhaps oddly id look for a club that has a good behaviour policy and lots of exercise!

Football, running, gymnastics, martial arts, etc

Go and talk to the coach and explain, I used to teach kick boxing ect and we had loads of boys through with behaviour problems I used to refer them to one of the male coaches as he was incredibly respectful of everyone but was firm and fair you behaved badly in class or out at your peril!

So sorry you are having such a tough time of it. You sound like a great mum

PurplePidjOrTreatin · 21/10/2013 18:15

It sounds like he's acting out against something else that he doesn't have the words to explain. You get the butt of it because he's completely secure that you'll still love him.

When he's calm and fed, try and chat to him about why it's not ok to throw things - he hurt you - or be nasty to his little brother. Move the conversation on to his day at school, and the last weekend at his dad's. If exp is abusive to you, he may well start on the dc as they get older especially emotionally manipulative stuff

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:17

Yes its hard. I honeslty thought this was behind us.

He does dancing once a week and did play football but thanks to his dad not bringing him on his weekends he never got selected for the matches and missed every other training session so lost complete interest in it. He got fed up of hearing his team mates talk about matches he had missed.

He did start martial arts and one the first session got kicked in the stomach very hard so refused to go back. I let it lie then asked again recently and he said no.

OP posts:

ilikeFISH · 21/10/2013 18:22

Sounds like his dad may cause issues with anything weekend based.

Hideous teaching by the way of ma that terrible!

Is ds quite bookish?

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:23

His dad has been letting him down a lot in the past few months. Well actually he's been letting him down for years but i bent over backwards to make sure the dcs didnt know and to rearrange contact but i stopped doing this a few months ago when i realised that exp was basically taking the piss and was never going to change. So now when he is late or doesnt turn up i dont make excuses or call him or rearrange. Ds hasnt coped well with the fact that his dad isnt turning up when he says he will. He has been teary more than anything but it is verybpossible todays behaviour was down to that also.

OP posts:

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:31

Yes he loves reading, books, magazines, joke books, science books.

I should add during the time ds came downstairs earlier he held up a little note i wrote for him over a year ago telling him how much ds1 and i loved him and how good fun he was to be with. He ripped it up and threw it on the floor. I know that note meant something to him ecause he kept it in a little basket with all his little treasured things

OP posts:

Maryz · 21/10/2013 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs · 21/10/2013 18:41

Maryz - I was about to say the same thing.

All I would read into this is 8 year old growth spurt with the attached hormones, together with massive hunger and low blood sugar.

When my boys were this age they would have needed a large bowl of pasta or soup and a sandwich the minute they got through the door from school at 4.30, never mind after the after school club.

Then they would have eaten a huge dinner at 6.30.

notwoo · 21/10/2013 18:42

Sounds like something or someone has upset him at school and that, combined with the chocolate bar incident has been the straw that broke the camels back.

Behaviour obv completely unacceptable but I reckon when he's calmed down and apologised (might need a nudge) he needs a bit of tlc and a chat. Maybe leave scouts for tonight and spend time doing something he likes together.

Original poster

YoureBeingADick · 21/10/2013 18:46

Good point maryz im crabby when im hungry too. I allow them free access to fruit all the time but he wont take it unless he is in school and thats all there is. And tbh im doubtfull about whether he's even eating it there ir not.

OP posts:

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