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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

bed weeting three.5 year old - driving me mad

30 replies

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 09:37

ds1 has been toilet trained for ages(if I can remember rightly since before he was two he started, with usual trouble when it came to poo but that all has come good now), however, I followed advice on here and kept up with the nighttime nappy until he was ready, and this was about january time (he was 3 in december).

He told me he was a bog boy and didn't need a nappy, and initially did very well with very few accidents, now tho, there is not one night when he doesn't piddle then bed at least twice, the washing machine is on constantly and he even gets in to my bed when I have run out of sheets and does it there!!

My mother in law (who's children were all potty trained by one!!!) has said its because I don't tell him off when he does it, and thats its my fault as I am making him lazy by lifting him on to the toilet before I go to bed.

I am not about to bo**ock him for doing this, I think it would be wrong, but do I need to firmer and tell him how disapointed I am - as it is he lies and says he spilt milk/drink when I ask.

Any advice welcome

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 09:38

Big boy - must learn to preview!

OP posts:

Skribble · 26/06/2006 09:45

I wouldn't get hard on him a 3 yrs. My 9yr old still wakes up very surprised in a puddle on the odd occasion.

I used bed mats to save sheets, you can put the big ones over the sheet and tuck it in. If you think this might encourage DS, put it on after he has fallen asleep.

My DS wasn't even out of nappies at 3 so don't worry plenty time, boys can be very slow to be dry at night.

cardy · 26/06/2006 09:45

I think just three is quite young to be dry at night. My dd was dry during thr day at 2.5 but was nearly 4 before she was dry at night and then still had alot of 'accidents'. She wasn't completely dry until nearer 4.5.

I know quite few 4yo who are not dry at night some coming up to 5. So perhaps it might be better to wait a few months?

My personal opinion is that it is better to wait until children are ready than force the issue, they will get there eventually.

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 09:47

My dd is 10 and still wets - she suffers from enurisis, which means that she does not have enough of the required hormone in her brain to stop her bed wetting - I am so glad that not once did I ever tell her off or make her feel I was dissappointed when she was little as it has now become clear that this is a chemical problem and not something she can help in any way.

I felt when she was small taht it is inherently wrong to let a child fel it is there fault when something happens whilst they are asleep - they are asleep FGS how on earth can they change anything?

If your child feels the need to lie to ths degree then I would suggest he is already uncomfortable and having trouble, the more uncomfortable they are the more likely they are to bed wet.

I would suggest given his age that you should go back to the begining, explain that you know he has trouble that you know it is not his fault because he is asleep, tell him that you are proud of him no matter what etc etc. He needs a huge confidence boost to start with before you can begin to address the actual problem.

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 10:12

securmummy, I have never ever told him off, or made him feel I am disapointed, I myself was a late better wetter until I was about 10 or so, so I know how it feels. I guess the reason I am asking is cos everone in my family that I have spoken to about is making out to me that he is just being lazy, and that I am babying him by simply changing the bed and telling him it doesn't matter. I feel that for his age it is great he is doinf as well as he is, but the constant critisms from everyone else were making me doubt myself.

He made the decision he was too old for a nappy (could be that his younger B wears them?), will not wear pull ups or those pj pants either.

Was thinking about making a reward chart for him. I always tell him I am proud of him, esp when I lift him at 10ish and he is still dry. Regardless, he has never thought that I am cross with him for these accident, as you rightly say, he's asleep for god sake, but my mother in law makes out like he should be dry now, and its no joke when I tell you she was all for putting him on the pot from 3 months, and I even caught her doing it!

OP posts:

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:18

at you MIL. if you have handled things as you say then you are doing everything right and you need to stick to your guns here - I do appreciate though that it is hard in the face of conflict.

TBH I agree that he is young to be dry at night anyway so if he has managed it for a while even he is doing really well.

I do think he needs a confidence boost though - the fact he is telling lies makes it seem taht he is embarresed or confused about this - it could be that he really thinks he must have spilt a drink or something as he will have no memory of wetting the bed.

I am not sure about stickers tbh as again it is whilst they are asleep - so not getting a sticker would be IMO punishing for what happened whenthey are asleep.

If you were late it is possible he will be too, I really would recommend using the bed pad things over the sheets and just letting things go on for a while (if he refuses to use pants again for a while)

honeybunny · 26/06/2006 10:22

Each child is different. My ds1 was dry day and night by 2.5 and has never had an accident in his bed. ds2 was dry in the day by 2yr2mo but at 4yr2mo he still has accidents at night. We didnt take him out of pull ups at night until he suggested it 2weeks before his 4th b-day, was dry for 2weeks but then went through 6weeks of wetting again. He's been dry for a week up til last night, wet again this am, but then is poorly with a temperature, so cant blame him there. He's disappointed enough with himself so I'd never dream of adding to it, but yes, I get v frustrated with all the washing. DS2 never wakes up with the accidents, so at least we dont have bed changing to do in the night but I've no idea how to help him get more consistent other than lifting, reducing fluids in the latter part of the day, and praising like mad for the odd successes.

I feel for you! But think you should ignore the familial pressure and stick to your own gut instinct on how to help ds.

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 10:23

I think your right, but should I be lifting him? That was another critism, its because he doesn't have to think about it himself and I am not allowing him to realise his bladder is full himself!

I guess its harder cos all my friends have girls, and they are all dry at night, feels like a fucking competition. I couldn't really give a shit if I'm honest as I know ds1 is doing very well for being a lazy boy!

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indignatio · 26/06/2006 10:27

He is only 3 and a half. Drs don't look into bedwetting "problems" until kids are 7. I understand that one of the reasons for bedwetting (I think there are 3) is also hereditary.

Please don't be firmer - I remember my mum giving my brother hell for bedwetting - he couldn't help it - he was not lazy. I once watched a film about a boy who wet the bed and became a long distance runner - running home from school to get the bedclothes hanging out of the window before his friends saw them - I cried all the way through.

To save you washing etc then perhaps you do need to find a compromise (pull ups etc - he is only 3 1/2 you are in charge) but without making him feel ashamed

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 10:27

It is recommended by "them" that you don't lift as it stops the body learning to respond to a full bladder IYSWIM.

However, I would say do whatever works best for you - if you lift at 10 and he is usually dry I would suggest starting to do it a 10.10 so that he gets the sensation of a full bladder for a bit longer, then keep moving it gradually back so that he is learning to go for maor and more time, eventually you may find that you cross a threshold where he starts to wake alone. If you go to far and he starts to be wet again just pull it back for a while then try again.

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 10:35

Good plan secur!

OP posts:

Elibean · 26/06/2006 10:55

My friend's dd is 4.5 and needs to be lifted at night, or she wets the bed. She only started not wearing a night nappy at over 4, and her Mum lifts her in the middle of the night when she feeds the baby - so she doesn't have a long stretch to get through. And she is far from 'behind' in her peer group, honest!

If he's lying about the wetness, I suspect your ds is probably embarrassed about it...I would go along with not saying anything about disappointment, just reaffirming what a big boy he is regardless of wetness or not.

It must be exhausting - I feel for you, and wish I had some practical tips for coping: I still have all this to come!

Elibean · 26/06/2006 10:58

Also, if it was me, I would be tempted to offer a night nappy again for a few months...making sure to say that even big boys need them sometimes when they're 3. Which is true. I just think struggles over toilet training are so painful for all involved, my instinct is to avoid them when they're still so little....but again, I'm not there yet: this may be Very Bad Training Advice

poppiesinaline · 26/06/2006 10:59

Both my elder two potty trained at 2 but I didnt get rid of night nappy until a week before their 5th birthday. DS1 had probably 3 or 4 wet beds and then has been dry and DD has never had a wet bed.

I intend to do the same with DS2.

Why rush and make life hard for yourself. Thats my view on it anyway.

PrettyCandles · 26/06/2006 11:00

My two, 5 and 3, are still in nappies at night. If they're not ready then they're not ready. I'm not saying todo this, but have you considered putting him back in nappies at night? It does sound like he's not happy that he has wet the bed and is trying to avoid the issue by lying.

NikkiH · 26/06/2006 11:12

My DS2 turned four before we trained him to be dry at night. We stopped drinks except water after 6pm (he went to bed at 7.30pm) and made sure he had a wee before going to bed. I made the bed up in layers with a waterproof mattress protector on the bottom, a care mat on top of that then a sheet, another caremat, another sheet and finally a washable and tumbledryable mat on top of that. The idea was to make changing sheets as easy as possible in the middle of the night if necessary.

We didn't make a fuss if he did have an accident but gave him lots of praise if he didn't. Also took any opportunity to put him on the loo during the night if he woke up but didn't lift him or wake him specifically - found the more 'disturbed' his night in terms of restlessness, the more likely we were to have an accident. HTH.

Weatherwax · 26/06/2006 11:27

My 5 year old DD is still in night nappies. Because she would like to come out of them we have the 5 night rule, she can stop using them once she has been dry for 5 nights in a row. She is happy with this.

I've also stopped the jokes about how her elder sister was dry at night before she was dry in the day. I'm planning to use the school holidays to up her morning intake of fluid as I've heard its good to increase their bladder capacity.

My mum also has unrealistic memories of potty training amoungst other things. I personally think we are programmed to forget all the nasties of child rearing so that the species does not die out!

juuule · 26/06/2006 11:39

just to let you know one of my dd's was 5 before she was dry at night and one of my ds's was 8. Some take longer than others.

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 11:49

thing is chaps - I never wanted him out of his night time nappy, I WISH he would still have one on, and I didn't ever encourage him not too (not sure I can say the same for DP, as his mum is brain washing him that ds should be doing a lot more independant things by now, including dressing himself in things like socks, which I think are tricky for little fingers!)

I have said to him that mummy thinksi it would be nicer for him not to wake up wet (I never say no DS, you didn't spill a drink, you weed yourself!) so I think he should wear a nappy or pull ups but he gets so upset, and if I insist, when I go up to bed a sneak in for a kiss the nappy/pull up is thrown on the floor having been taken out as soon as I left the room earlier!

OP posts:

PrettyCandles · 26/06/2006 11:51

Bribery to keep the anppy on? Put it back on him when you sneak your bedtime kiss?

Elibean · 26/06/2006 12:06

Find a different brand of nappy, that you can tell him is a different 'big boy' night pants??

I think what I'd try, if he'll go along with it and mean it, is getting his Dad to have a chat and talk about it being ok for big boys of three to wear a nappy at night. Maybe he needs to hear it from the Biggest Boy of All

Pity he can't honestly add that he wore one till he was four...bet that would help.

SoupDragon · 26/06/2006 12:09

Make sure he's awake when you lift him. Weeing in his sleep is what you're trying to get him not to do.

Original poster

sickandtired · 26/06/2006 12:18

you are all the voice of reason - so much! But i have puta nappy on him when he was asleep, if he wakes while i'm doing it he gets very upset, if he deosn't, he will take it off when he does wake up in the night.

I got pull ups and told him they were for big boys, which he didn't buy and the same with the pj pants.

Guess I am going to have to force him to wear something, which I really didn't want to do, as he obviously wants to be more independant in that department.

OP posts:

AdelaideS · 26/06/2006 12:18

I have thought about a reward chart for my sooo wet dd, who is 5, but I think it may just reinforce the idea of "dry = good...wet = bad" and i really don't want her to feel bad about it at all, ever.
She wets most nights, sometimes in our bed, and I've become resigned as slowly, slowly i see improvements. I use 2 layers of plastic sheets and bedding so I can just remove the top layer in the night with minimum fuss. I try to give lots to drink in the day to increase her bladder capacity (don't know if there's anything in this but it can't hurt to try), and no drinks for about an hour before bed. That's a hard one and I often give in, but i do notice a difference if i stick to it.
I do loads of washing , (total PITA), and bollocks to what friends/family etc say!

SecurMummy · 26/06/2006 12:20

If he feels taht strongly about pull ups etc, how about trying something like real pants with a terry nappy liner in? I knwo it would not totally solve things but may help a bit and be soemthing he can handle?

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