a cry for help, violent tantrums have returned.

[ditavonteesed]

Please be aware that i am asking for help and advice but am feeling very vulnerable and shaken right now.
dd1 is 10 in 2 weeks, she used to have violent tantrums until about a year ago, she struggles a bit at school and possibly has dsylexia and dyspraxia although neither are diagnosed. Last year we had family counclling at school and it really helped, she got glasses and also had the most amazing teacher, her self confidence grew and she stoppe having the tantrums, Iwent to the doctor for advice but he refused to help without seeing her, I didnt want to risk damaging her self confidence by saying all the bad points about her to what she would percievce to be a stranger.

At the start of the 6 weeks holiday her tantrums made a bit of a come back, and on holiday she had a couple of what i would call meltdowns where nothing in the world will calm her down and she tries everything she can to hurt you both physically and mentally.

Over the last 2 weeks she has had 2 of these tantrums, onne for dh when he was on his own, I cam ee home from work and he looked shell shocked, she had apparently been hitting and kicking him, these go on for a good hour or 2. She has had another this morning and has been throwing her bags at me and hitting and screaming at me all the way to school. This mornings started becasue I asked her to hurry up and she started shouting that she hates me, I told her we wouldnt be going to the chocolate shop tonight which was probably not the right thing to do but I wnat her to ealise that she can hurt people with her words. I am quite strict and we do have boundaries, this however has never made any diifference to her tantrums, I have never ever given in to a tantrum and she has never got what she wanted from behaving this way, if she discusses things with me in a reasoned way then I may change my mind about things.

I dont know how to deal with these tantrums, I have tried every way possible and nothing helps. She has sensory things to help her, a squashy ball and a dark den, an ipod so she can listen to music, a guitar so she can calm herself by playing music etc, all things which she says help her, however in the middle of a tantrum she will not try to clm herself and just clings and trys her hardest to get you to lose your temper.

I am considering going back to the doctor, I have tried talking about things that might be bothering her. I am sat here shaking and feeling sick and wish I could go and get her from school, I dont understand what is bothering my little girl so much that she behaves this way and I dont know how to fix it.

things that have changed, over the last yearI have started work after being at home with the kids. I have just gone full time, which is only 3 days a week as I work long shifts. I am supposed to be applying to uni to start next year. I dont know what sort of impact this has although i try to tlk about these things often with dd to check she isnt worried about them.

sorry cross posted beertricks, I dont knwo exactly what i would say to the doctor although I am goignt o make an appointment.

when the tantrums are happening we try to remove ourselves, but she grabs and drags on you so you cant get away from her, it is hard to explain it and it sounds like I am being a bit wet but with the adrenaline she must get and not wanting to hurt her it is very difficult to get away from her. I am really worried about her being at school now after this morning knowing afterwards she is usually very shaky and clingy for a long time, I know I am right now. I feel so bad beasue I really thought we had got through this. when she is not havign a moment she is the most adorable, kind, loving girl it is very jekkel and hyde.

i also think you need to see your GP.
you do NOT need to take your DD with you though. When we wanted a referral for DS1 we didn't take him. one GP refused to refer without seeing him, but I wasn't having him sitting there while we talked about him because regardless of your intentions it's bloody sucky sitting and listening to someone reel off all the worst bits about you! I found it hard to do as his parent.
anyway, we saw a different GP who was happy to refer

that said, school ought to be able to refer her to the appropriate people, either cahms or the community paediatricians, and in fact in some areas they prefer a referral from school esp if you have reports from the SENCO etc.

right have made an appointment, it is in 2 weeks so got a bit of time to get together what I need to say

also, try posting over in the special needs section. lots of us been there done that and can give advice :)

i did have a letter from school last year, hope I can find it, she was referred to MAST and has a CAF from (dont know if they are the right words) however school never really had any problems with her and this behavioural problem is mainly at home and only close family have ever seen it.

but the school helped with the family counselling? so they're aware of the background and potentially can help by writing something to the effect that they agree she needs to be seen?
anything like that will help

could i phone the mast team? would they be able to help? I feel so helpless, when this was happening before our whole family was so miserable and I really dont want things to get to that state again.

or could I phone school today? who would I ask for? the senco maybe.

yes, speak to the SENCO

when it was happening before I flt a bit like school thought I was being overly dramatic as she never behaves like this there, I think if things are bothering her she bottles them up until she is safe to realease them ie at home. Me and dh can see when she is close to going she becomes slightly manic, but nobosy can see it, even my mum thinks I am just being mean when i say she needs to be removed from a situation to calm down.

My ds can be like this though he has been better lately. I did a self referral to camhs and they did a telephone consultation with me while ds was at school. They diagnosed him as suffering from stress because he wasn't being properly supported at school for his dyspraxia. If you suspect dyspraxia/dyslexia then i would push for screening and diagnoses so that support can be put in place.
I reward him every time he calms himself down successfully and lock his formula one recordings if he doesn't which is slowly starting to work. Hi teacher this year is being very proactive about helping him so hopeful that it will all improve. It does sound like school is a difficult place for her and she is taking her frustration out on you. Perhaps talk to her teacher too. I really feel for you because it is heartbreaking seeing your child so angry and sad.

SENCO is going to call me back.

she did have all the support that she would have had had she been diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia, however over the last year she has improved so much that I know a lot of that support has been removed. this is becasue she no longer needs it, she is now quite physically able (if you dont count all the poor lamposts that get wlaked into) and has caught up with nearly all her school work, I wonder if that was becasue of the support and now she is finding herself scared without it.

now I feel a bit daft as I have no idea what I am going to say to the senco, I just want someone to help before things get out of hand again as I cant bear the thought of dd being the unhappy child she was before.

don't feel daft! it sounds as though she needs some help, as do you.
the SENCO will be aware of the past issues and will know who best to refer you to even if DD is currently doing ok in school

thanks, her ta has text me that she is ok (she is my friend) which is a relief maybe I can try and relax a bit now. My neighbour has offered to take dd2 for a few hours after school so I can have some quaility time with dd1 so I need to work out what we can do.

did you speak to the senco dita?

I did am meeting with her on mon, although I actually think I have got to the bottom of it, after a lovely long cuddly chat on her bedroom floor, turns out she is being bullied, going to see teacher on mon and I have told her that if it hasnt stopped by friday I will be going to see the head. She seems much hapier for having got it out and has been painting and singing and dancing around tonight. Still meeting with the senco though as there are still things I need to discuss with regards to referals for dsypraxia and dyslexia anyway.