14 yo not working even remotely to his abilities. Would you...

[fartmeistergeneral]

Leave him to it, let him fail and learn from his own mistakes?

Take away that bloody iPod touch unless all revision and homework is done?

Background: I have nagged and nagged, I admit it. I have spoken to him calmly. I have actually cried, I've been so upset.

Nothing works. He leaves his school work to last minute, doesn't revise for tests. Not bothered when he doesn't do well. Often blames me or his dad for not helping him. However, he doesn't even try to do a small bit of the work himself, and his dad won't help unless he shows willing to make a modicum of effort.

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I was at boarding school and we had a thing called prep. Basically you sat at a desk under supervision for an hour and a half with nothing to do except homework. I did a lot of not doing homework (wrote stories, my diary, made up dreadful teenagery poems) but also eventually did home work too. Can you do something similar? Say he has to sit at the kitchen table (if you have one) or similar with his books for a specified time each night under your supervision. He does have to sit there but he doesn't have to work although it would be a good opportunity to do so and that if he requires help you will be on hand. Then let him get on with it. Other than that, do not nag him about it at all.

You'll have to be really consistent though for it to work

Take away iPod etc until work is done.

Thank you both. Hard line?

We had another talk about it last night (his only opportunity to do homework/revision for Monday as we are away all day today), and I said, what if I just leave you to it and stop nagging, and he said nooooo!! I know why, because he knows he still won't be able to do it and he'll have no-one to blame when it all goes tits up. He is the king of blame - our fault for not pushing him, our fault for not helping him, our fault for making him feel bad about himself for not doing well at school.

Going to speak to dh later about united front. If I could throw that iPod in the Thames I would!! It has taken over his entire life.

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We have decided that iPads are put away from Mon- Fri in term time.

Tv time can be earned once all homework is done and bags are packed for the next day.

Ds1 starts sec school and we need to start as we mean to go on.

You and Dh need to be united and stand firm.

I will not nag about hw but both boys will take the consequences.

Thanks, we need to be firmer. I don't think we could take the iPod away all week, but we need to take it away and force the homework issue. He's got to get into college - having him living at home with no qualifications and no job would send me over the edge!!

I saw this on Pinterest, and DS is only 2, so no idea if its viable. But what about changing the wifi password daily, and having the kids earn it (by doing homework or chores or whatever). No need to take away devices.

(I'm making a note of the 'prep time' idea for the future!)

I'm curious - why do you feel unable to take away his iPod for a week?

I meant take away mon-fri every week as the other poster does with their child. Because he's never had that, and I want to appear fair and not jump in all guns blazing. He would totally react against that/me/the world and I really don't think that would get us anywhere. If you look at him he freaks at the moment, he's on a teenage knife edge!! I'd rather cut it down but allow him on it eg after homework done etc. this is what I'm going to speak to dh about today.

Oh sweetie I completely get that! Mine makes me feel that bad too! Don't back down though - you're in charge. No point in being fair anymore - he's not your baby. He's the dreaded thing! Who knew that your baby boy would treat you like this! I wish you strength. Mums of teenage boys need it!

Every time you're fair they go further. I used to be a teenager. So horrible to see it from this side!

I may get flamed for this, but what has worked with DS1 is arranging for him to do low-paid labour.

I realise some people enjoy manual work and are very good at it, but having tried it, DS1 has decided to work hard at school and get qualifications so that he has other options.

A well-timed summer cleaning out bird cages worked for me at that age too.

Have you spoken to him and asked him about his aspirations for the future? The standard of living he would like to have? Future career? Family?
It sounds like he might need a bit of help but needs to start taking some responsibility for his own. If you start talking to him about the above things and make a 'plan', might he take a bit of ownership and be more motivated?

I think what I would do is at the start of this new term is get a copy of the homework timetable from him amd get that up on the kitchen wall. I'm guessing he has a homework diary or something where homework is written?

Then assuming you are there when he gets back from school it would be snack, half an hour chill out then work out on the table along with homework diary. Homework to be done the night it comes. Revision times to be identified and scheduled into homework diary on day it is set so you know it will get done.

iPad to be handed in when leaves for school in the morning, not given back until homework done. Be there to guide but he has to make an effort, you're assisting, not doing it.

Cash/allowance for going out is dependent on homework done properly. Seeing friends/going places etc also dependent on this.

Tell him you are drawing a line under what has happened before, it's a new start, don't go on about what has happened before, just what happens now. I know all this is easier said than done, I too have a 14 year old!

These are brilliant ideas, thank you. I have actually Aiken to him about the scenario of him leaving with hardly any qualifications etc etc but he just says he'll be fine and he's going to uni. This week, he has an important test to study for and he's done nothing, but when I said that if he fails this test, carries on like this etc, he'll be put down to lower qualifications (we're in Scotland, different system) he said I was always disappointed in him and had no faith in him. Basically, it was my fault ;-)

For God's sake woman of course it's your fault!

There should be a teen bingo. Would "I hate you" be too obvious? "You don't love me anyway!" "Its your fault!"

Please someone else add or I really will just think it's me!

"You don't understand!"

The fact that he has lost the capacity for rational thought makes it difficult to reason with him. Aaaagh!!

Take the damn iPod away and make him work for it!! He can have it 24/2 when he has done what he needs to do......grow a pair woman!!

" I didn't ask to be born "

Oh god - all the things on this thread sound all too familiar. When my 2 go back to school next week, I've already primedbribed them by saying if all their schoolwork is done by Friday then they will each receive £2.00 on Friday.

Could it be that he is struggling with the work? How are his reports/marks? Sometimes people procrastinate when they just don't know what to do/how to do it.

I would certainly involve yourself more in his schoolwork for the time being - it needn't be forever, but age 14 is tricky and you probably need to find a way of getting him going until he can manage independently.

The start of the new school year is a great time to tackle this.
You need to check how he is taking notes in classes - the quality of what he's written, and (if applicable) the filing system he has for handouts etc. Every handout should have the date written on the top so he knows which lesson they apply to. If he uses ring binders with loose paper then every sheet should be numbered and dated, again, so they are all in order.

You need his lesson schedule and homework schedule. You do need to babysit him for a while. Ask him what homework he's got on, and make him do it where you can see him. Take an interest - ask him what he's working on, so he can explain it in his own words.

Definitely no Ipod until he has finished. Ditto computer or TV. There is plenty of time in the evening for this once he has finished his homework.

Please don't be scared of taking it off him. You will be doing him a favour. He is clearly struggling and using the IPod as a form of escapism won't help. What will help is your help in getting organised, and being on hand for support. Ask him to tell you honestly if there are areas he is struggling in.

I think it's easy to overlook that children are not born knowing how to work hard, ignore distractions, be disciplined, organise their work effectively etc. It is part of a parent's job to guide them on this. Show him how to be organised. Give him a structure to homework because he clearly is struggling with the self-discipline. He will not magically improve by himself, you do need to step in (from what you are saying).