Agressive Toddler

[kizzie]

Help! I'm feeling mortified. Went to a party today and one of my little boys (2 and a half) hit a little girl (only about 14 months old) on the head with a video. It was really quite hard and she did cry but was ok after a couple of minutes. I apologised to her mum and made my son apologise but I feel so awful about it.
Not sure what else I should do - call the mum who held the party to check the little girl is ok/ buy her a present?
Anyone any views?

Tigermoth - Your experiences with your eldest ds sound so similar to mine and my sister's with our eldest little darlings. IMO people are too eager to label lively children (usually boys) as having behavioural problems, whereas IME, it is more than likely just a normal phase of toddler/young child behaviour they are going through (usually boys again - I've seen the difference between my dd and my 2 boys!!!) Boys behaviour between ages 2-3 yrs can be totally hideous (and great my youngest is 2 soon, but atleast I know what I've got coming!)

Selja - Hope everyone's reassuring comments have made you feel slighty better about things. He just sounds like a normal 2 yr old boy to me. Somebody mentioned that perhaps your ds just doesn't get on with a particular member of staff. I've had this experience too. My eldest ds (again, bless him!) got off on the wrong foot at his first pre-school and although his behaviour did improve, I could tell that the staff (some more than others) really did not like him. I noticed that he was treated differently if he was upset (totally ignored) whereas the others would get lots of cuddles and attention, this really upset me as he was only 2/3 at the time. Also, I found that he would get the blame for things even if it wasn't him - if there was trouble and he was in the vicinity they always assumed he was involved even when he wasn't. They wanted to get him seen by an outside assessor too, and I was so upset at the time and not thinking straight I was going to go along with them. Then I came to my senses, and thought 'No you're not, you unhelpful b***ds!' I moved him to a different pre-school and he was much happier and as a result, his behaviour was much better. Now he's 5, he's still a 'spirited' boy, but his teachers do seem to like him and tell me that he's bright and should do well. My bad experiences have made me paranoid though............

Thanks everyone. To bring you up to date I rang up the manager of his nursery and told her I had spoken to my doctor and health visitor and they are all of the opinion that these Portage people are totally inappropriate in this situation and so we were withdrawing our consent. To which she said most parents wanted to help their children and if we didn't go through with this assessment then she would have to speak to the owner about what course of action to take. She said it was for ds' behaviour that she was referring him (after telling the health visitor this she said the Portage people do not deal with this aspect of children so was even more inappropriate). I asked what sort of things he was doing and she said when he was sitting with the other children for lunchtime he was pushing the child next to him - I said all children do this (hell I remember in secondary school the boys were still doing this) and she 'No they don't' in this really simpering voice that I swear if she had been in the same room as me I would have been tempted to smack her (and I am not a violent person - more of a shouter). The upshot is I've withdrawn him from the nursery with immediate effect and we're off to see another nursery this afternoon to which I've already explained what has happened and I've already seen and like. They are able to take him straight away (well after some trial sessions obviously). The health visitor has highly recommended the new place so hopefully things will sort itself out. Funny that this morning I've had another toddler round playing and even when they were left in the play room unsupervised ds never started any fights. In fact the only incident was when the other toddler pushed ds and ds pushed him back - not even hard enough to push him over. So I'm doubly convinced it was an issue with the nursery who weren't firm enough and let him get away with things. Strange how he acted fine with one particular girl but to his keyworker he was a huge problem. I feel a lot less stressed now with just the worry over whether he'll be ok at the new nursery. Dh of course hasn't given it much thought over the last few days while I've been unable to sleep and in tears thinking I've got a monster and perhaps I was going mad and not noticing things! Hopefully better times are ahead. My health visitor did try to reassure me as well and say he sounded like a typical egotistical toddler! Thanks everyone.

I find it so amazing that some nurseries seem to have a real problem with boys in particular when it must be one of the most common of behaviour patterns - well done Selja - I wish I had been in a position where I could have found another nursery but at least my ds only has another 4 months there - and ChanelNo5 I could not agree more about the comment once your child has a bit of name for being disrputive/challenging behaviour your kid often gets blamed for any incident albeit it may have been started by another child and of course the quiet ones always often get away with stuff because there are not as loud about it. I know I'm ranting a bit now but this whole thing has caused me so much unhappiness in the past but my new years resolution was to rise above it and not let it get to me so much my son is not a pyscho just a normal boy!!

Good luck with the new nursery, Selja - hope it all goes well for you and ds.

Gosh, what a nightmare, Selja, I hope everything goes okay at the new nursery.

Lulu40, your first remark made me wonder if boys are seen as more of a handful because most carers are females and they relate better to girls? It would be interesting to know if boys behaviour would be any different if there were more male nursery nurses etc. I've certainly known teachers who prefer one sex over the other.

Hi Selja, I was going to post yesterday but didn't get a chance. So sorry to hear of whats been happening with your son's nursery. What I was going to suggest is that you pull him out of there, but thought that might sound abit ridiculous, what with nursery places being so hard to come by. I am really pleased to hear that you've found somewhere new and hopefully he'll settle in and be happy there. I am appalled that you feel one of the staff didn't like your ds. Thats a horrible thought, and not one I'd ever considered before. I guess we love our kids so much, it dosen't ever occur to us that others won't too! Anyway, best wishes to you and ds and heres to a happy start at his new nursery.

I think the worst thing is that with hindsight I should have known ds wasn't happy there. He couldn't tell me as he doesn't speak to that extent but thinking back to how his eczema on his arm flared up every Monday but got better between Wednesday and Sunday, how they said he wasn't eating much but as soon as he got in the car he'd finish off anything he could get his hands on as if he hadn't eaten all day. I feel bad that I didn't read the signs. Its always the same with hindsight though isn't it? Today ds is being looked after by dh who is on Easter leave. Its the first time he's looked after him for the whole day so I wonder who is still standing when I get home!So far I've had a phone call roughly every hour. Will dh be begging me to stay home on Wednesday to look after ds? I wonder how much housework will be done when I get in after all its so easy to do housework and look after a child isn't it (so dh would have me believe - he's obviously never hoovered with a 2 year old hanging off the hoover and switching it on and off).

Selja, don't reproach yourself, it is much easier to see these things after you are out of a bad situation. Our son was the same with a childminder he didn't get on with and like yours, could not tell us this in words. I still feel bad about it 2 years on, so I sympathise.
Never mind your two men, let's hope the HOUSE is still standing.

Selja - As you say, with hindsight you can see that your ds wasn't happy. That was exactly the same with my ds at his first pre-school, he didn't feel happy/secure and played up. Looking back, I can see that now and I too feel really guilty about putting him through it and also about the strain it put on our relationship. The important thing now is that you have found a nursery more suited to him where he will be much happier. As Marina said, don't reproach yourself, you only ever did what you thought was for the best at the time, and life is all about learning from your mistakes (I should know, I've made plenty of them!!!!!) Good Luck with the new nursery - keep us posted!

Just to let you know ds has now settled into his new nursery. The keyworker stopped me especially to tell me how settled he is and he seems to be enjoying it. I must say its a weight off my mind. He never seems to be in as much of a hurry to leave this one whereas before he was always looking out the window waiting for me and running to get his coat (thats if he hadn't already put it on). Only time will tell if he keeps enjoying it. Thanks for all the support.

Glad to hear initial weeks are going well Selja.

That is great news Selja, how relieved you must be.

Well done, it looks like you made the right decision