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Original poster

Spoilt Children

78 replies

YesAnastasia · 10/08/2013 16:43

It was DS1 4th birthday and he got lots of presents including a wooden playhouse for the garden and various other toys he was very pleased with.

Today the windows on the playhouse are scratched and smashed and other toys are lost and/or broken by either DS1 or DS2 (2.7).

I've flipped today and went on about children with no mummies or daddies, no nice clothes, treats for dinner etc. It means nothing to them, I'm handling it all wrong and will have spoilt brat children who have no respect for their belongings (or other peoples). I can't believe I have raised them to be this way. How has this happened?

Anyone know an effective way of teaching children to be grateful and respectful?

OP posts:
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CreatureRetorts · 17/08/2013 20:26

Blah blah blah ReallyTired. You basically said that you need to tell them off until they are sobbing.

If I tell my DCs off and "sanction" them, they don't always cry. They might sulk etc. I do not however keep going until they are sobbing.

Which is your aim.

So witter away all you like, I cannot take you seriously for what you said up thread.

ConstantCraving · 17/08/2013 20:47

ReallyTired what I can't get beyond is what you consider to be unacceptable behaviour and that your children can only play with one toy at a time. If they get out two do you discipline them until they are sobbing? You'll be horrified, no doubt, to hear my 3 year old DD today played with her toy animals, and her cars and her dolls house all at the same time (the animals went to live in the dolls house, transported in cars Smile. Should i have made her put the animals away before getting out the cars? (But then how could her game have progressed Confused. Is a tidy house all the time more important than fun?? (BTW - my DD always puts her toys away at the end of the day).
You are painting a pretty bleak picture of your children's lives.

SoftSheen · 17/08/2013 20:48

I would suggest

(1) Putting some toys away for a week or two and then rotating them so that not everything is out at once

(2) Adopting a natural consequences approach to poor behaviour i.e. after a couple of warnings/ demonstrations of how to play with the toy appropriately, if bad behaviour persists then remove the toy 'until you are able to play with it nicely', which might be for just a few minutes or maybe (for the elder child) until the next day.

Also, if you really have too much stuff, have you considered giving some of it to a charity shop or children's centre?

ReallyTired I think your approach sounds unnecessarily harsh. Although there is nothing wrong with expecting children to tidy up their toys, forbidding them from getting out more than one toy at a time will inhibit creative play.

StitchingMoss · 17/08/2013 20:56

I'm a little surprised at how many of you think a 4 yr old deliberately breaking things is just an age thing and they're too young to know any different! My three year old knows its utterly unacceptable to deliberately break toys, so does my 4 yr old.

I think we expect too little of our kids nowadays Sad.

ExBrightonBell · 17/08/2013 21:05

ReallyTired, it's "side effect" not "affect". It is also "bear the risk" not "bare".

Oh, and back on topic, as a teacher, I have occasionally made a child cry when applying sanctions for poor behaviour. However it would be absurd and appalling teaching to aim to make children cry every time I applied sanctions. There is a middle ground you know between completely permissive and ridiculously authoritarian parenting.

ouryve · 17/08/2013 21:20

I'm now trying to work out what a Duplo Bob the Builder has been doing with DS2's toy elephants, this evening :o

I'm such a permissive parent for allowing him to play with them both together (and leave them out, to continue their conversation long after he's gone to bed!)

YoniBottsBumgina · 17/08/2013 23:30

I don't think a 4 year old should deliberately break things. Some toys are flimsy though and I wouldn't be annoyed about those things being broken, but I wouldn't replace them either.

working9while5 · 18/08/2013 08:38

Reallytired you quoted me and yet still ask what I'd do ifmy child was crying after a fair sanction. Can you not see the difference between a child crying because of a fair sanction and a child crying because an adult has set the intention that they will go on at them until they cry? One involves boundaries.. the other involves cruelty.

Look you give overexcited preschoolers weapons designed for bashing without arms reach supervision at your peril. The purpose of a lightsaber is bashing. Why assume they deliberately intended destruction when playing with a toy as it was designed to be played with?

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 18/08/2013 11:14

That's nice floralnomad - any actual advice though? [Confused]

I have been implementing a lot of this already and they are responding as I'd like but it's hard work making them tidy their own mess up, nevermind everything taking an hour longer to get done. I shall persevere.

OP posts:
TerraNotSoFirma · 18/08/2013 11:28

Softsheen can you tell me why you think not having more than one toy at a time will inhibit Creative play?

I have a one toy at a time rule here. When I say one at a time I mean one jigsaw, put it away, get the blocks or dolls house or box of cars out. Not literally one single item at a time.

Sorry for slight hijack OP, just a bit worried about reaction to one toy at a time rule.

ConstantCraving · 18/08/2013 14:16

Terra what if your DC want to drive the cars up to the dolls house and park them outside 9or park them inside like mine does Smile) or if they want to build a barn with their blocks, they then might want to put toy animals in the barn, and then possibly transfer the animals to play in the dolls house - you know, as the creative juices flow and they develop their story. With one toy at a time its difficult to do that. I don't see what's wrong with lots of toys out when they're playing, so long as they know how to tidy up at then end. We usually tidy them away at lunch, and then again before bed.

TerraNotSoFirma · 18/08/2013 14:47

I see what you're saying constant, lack of space kind of necessitates the one toy or set of toys out at the moment though, need to floor the attic and turn it into a playroom I think :)

Floralnomad · 18/08/2013 15:25

Yes the advice was bring them up to respect their belongings ,but from your last post you obviously find that too much hard work so good luck .

ConstantCraving · 18/08/2013 19:50

Terra - ah, that makes sense. We've moved house and have a spare room now so have more space for play (but I still insist its tidied up and not left out), but our last house was a tiny 2 bed mid terrace. If we'd stayed there I'd have done the same as you probably, couldn't move for falling over things. Amazing how I'd forgotten that - and that I didn't consider lack of space in your post Blush. Apologies for that.

SoftSheen · 18/08/2013 21:00

Terra To give an example, this morning my DD (2.5) got her dolly out of bed, then made her breakfast using her toy kitchen, and then fed it to her using a tea set.

Other times, she has made a house out of lego and put her Happyland people in it. Or made food for the happyland people using the toy kitchen. Or given the happyland people a 'bath' using the sink in the toy kitchen etc etc. None of these things would be possible with a 'one toy at a time' rule.

We do live in a very tiny city terrace and so there is a limit on the amount of stuff we can have out at once, and in fact I am quite strict about putting everything away in its proper place at the end of the day. However there has to be a balance.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 19/08/2013 08:28

FloralNomad A breakthough! I will now go away and bring my children up to respect their belongings. Why didn't I think of that? Stirling advice there. And can you please read my responses properly before you try to offend me. I said it was hard work but I was persevering. How very pointless your posts were.

I do find that rotating the toys is a good idea, they find the things they haven't played with for a while and are happy to see most of them but I'm not sure it is teaching respect...maybe it is. I think I feel a car boot coming on :)

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2013 08:36

Some people may have immaculate belongings but not be very good at empathy Wink

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 19/08/2013 08:54

Good point Fanjo. I'm actually a very messy person myself (or was...) my belongings aren't exactly pristine but I haven't broking the windows in my house yet though.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 19/08/2013 08:57

They are just wee and still learning. .its good you are aware and addressing it :)

Damnautocorrect · 19/08/2013 09:19

Reallytired,
You'd have a shit fit in my house, sometimes bat man gets to play with the sylvanian families. Eeek best get him on the naughty step until he cries.

Op we've started saying 'we'll ask father Christmas' for that to try and stop the 'I wants' also on the subject of the big man- he doesn't give toys to children that can't look after them. They are still very little and need it explaining 'you break it, you can't play with it and you won't get another'.
A few toys in the bin (with no new ones) should help do the job.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 19/08/2013 09:30

Father Christmas is sooo useful! Yes, I think with 4 months to go I can bring out the big guns :)

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 19/08/2013 10:19

It is hard to implement a new habit. I am terrible at getting DS to keep his room tidy. Sounds good though, hopefully it will get easier and become second nature to them :)

Damnautocorrect · 19/08/2013 11:03

I've started with the FC reminders! it also seems a good way of gauging what they actually want vs that shiny sparkly shit thing they've just seen advertised.

Make sure you make a threat you follow it through my oh is awful for that but make realistic threats you can and will follow through. No point threatening to go home if your out and they are kicking off and you have to intention of going home. But they are little so consequences need to be immediate and remember tomorrows another day xxx

matana · 19/08/2013 13:14

A bit shocked at the disbelief of limiting children to one toy at a time. If a down side is that it limits creative play then perhaps an up side is that it increases their attention span? Ds is 2.9 and has days when he will happily empty his toy cupboard and concentrate on nothing for longer than 2 minutes if I would let him. I encourage him to tidy a toy away before getting another out and don't feel it is cruel or inhibiting his imagination. In fact his hv recommended this and she didn't seem particularly strict or punitive. Quite the opposite in fact. My niece has 3 rooms of the house dedicated to her toys and all are strewn around everywhere. She is bored of every single toy and watches way too much tv. Ds and I regularly hide together from imaginary dinosaurs and make shapes out of toast so I'm thinking he's not too deprived where creative play is concerned.

gretagrape · 19/08/2013 14:24

Totally agree with ReallyTired. I've seen the result of kids never being allowed to get upset before they are given into in the form of my nephews. The oldest is now 9 and is frankly a horrible child who I adored when he was 2 - he screams and behaves like a baby if he doesn't get his way, never says please or thanks, and has no concept of how others aren't lucky to live like him. He has dozens of banknotes in his piggy bank but to him 10p is the same as £10 so as a result he values nothing and is never disciplined if he breaks something.
It's never too early to start making kids value their things and understand that not everyone is lucky - you see kids on tv raising money for charity at the age of 5 or giving their pocket money and it breaks my heart that my nephew is 9 and couldn't care less (or probably hasn't got a clue) about others less fortunate.
As long as a child knows they are loved and safe and the discipline is age-appropriate I really don't see the harm in them crying because they get told off - actions have consequences, simple as.