So sick of my four year old

[TeaJunky]

I know this will come across as really harsh, but I am pushed to the very brink of sanity with the consistently difficult behaviour of my four year old girl.

She is a child that is never happy with any given situation. She has to whine and complain and cry over every tiny,minute thing and it is driving me absolutely insane. I try my very best to accommodate her, I have tried praising and rewards and sticker charts, I have tried everything - but she still continues to make every single day as difficult as possible.

I have an 8 month old who I rarely get to spend time with since most of the day is taken up with my four year olds constant demands. I must admit, I mainly yell and shout my way through the day now. The other day she said to dh's sister, i wish you were my mummy. That broke my heart a little bit for her but day in day out her persistent dissatisfaction is becoming unbearable. I don't think it's all due to jealousy because she does dote on her little sister and she hardly gets any time/attention anyway because of the older ones attitude

I'm actually at the point where I am arguing with DH about this and just generally very unhappy. DH seems to think I'm taking it too far, but then he's not the one dealing with her all day. I'm sat here crying because I've yelled her into bed (issues with dinner/teeth/pyjamas/duvet/leaving bedroom door open/which teddies to have in bed. And that's just bedtime.

I am exhausted, drained and just sick to death.

Yoni - I'm not sure to be honest, I think it is recent, ever since DH became a lot more hands on. Well, that was after I had dd2 via EMCS and was flat out for six weeks. He took the whole six weeks off work and took over at home with both dd's. He's carried on being hands on, and although previously I complained that he didn't help enough, now Im just like, it's my routine, it's my thing, let me get on with it please

Sinc writing that op and reading up on love bombing etc, I have modified my approach to DD and have been a lot more positive, loving and calm..and I have seen a HUGE difference in her behaviour! Every day I try to find time where it's just me and her, or her and dad. so day before she went swimming with dad, yesterday we went to the library while DH had dd2 , she really enjoyed that and so did I! On the walk home, she did have a mini moment where she took a big bar of chocolate from a shelf in a shop and said 'mummy I NEED this' and I calmly made her put it back. There were no tears or drama afterwards so that's still a very positive result! She's also had a play date with a nursery friend this week which she declared as the best day ever , so together with being kept busy and interested and a positive attitude (mine), life is becoming much easier and more enjoyable.

Today she's watching brave (borrowed from the library)

TeaJunky

Please try to let him help more. I think that you will be more relaxed & less tired if you try (because I understand how hard it is to break a habit) to stop doing everything.

You have nothing to prove. The fact that you are here, seeking advice, shows that you are a wonderful caring mother.

I hope things turn around for you soon.

Thank you different

I am trying. I do feel now that I have damaged my relationship with dd. small things, like when she makes cards/pictures, she always gives the one she likes best to DH and the other one to me. That just shows her bond with DH, and maybe subconsciously I am trying to prevent him from doing things because in my mind I feel that it will make me even more redundant

I can't believe I have let it get to this stage. She's only four, for God's sake.

All is not lost. They all go through phases of showing preference to different people. She's your daughter and she loves you and you can make this work.

My dd can be like this. I find it goes in phases and she had a bad one a couple of weeks ago. A few things I find work/ have noticed are:

• Boundaries and routine, clearing toys up etc. Although it can be tempting to avoid confrontation it gives something to praise for when it's done
• The more she watches telly the worse she is.
• Attention when she's good, I have another dd 19 months and it's tempting to ignore her when she's quiet but that's bad.

I had a chat with nursery about it last week and they said they are often unsettled by starting School even if they seem to be looking forward to it.

Fingers crossed after an awful couple of weeks mine has settled back to normal, for now. It is really hard though and everyone makes mistakes.

My dd was a daddy's girl for the first 4 years of her life but in the last year has become more of a mummy's girl than i thought possible, i've always done (at least) 90% of the parenting solo so it's only fair
they are all just phases, you don't need to compete

So pleased to hear things are looking up TeaJunky :) Something I read on here that stuck with me is 'children need our love most when they deserve it the least' - when my DS is acting up, laying the love on thick really does make a big difference.

dd1 at 3.5 can be prone to hysterics at tiny things.

Ignoring is one way of dealing. Making sure you praise when she's good is another way. Making sure you are giving her enough responsability with mini 'chores' etc, especially with the baby also really helps my dd1.

I will also resort to threatening punishments and I will follow through with them. Never do empty threats, children are not stupid!

I had a lo like this and disagreeable kids are just draining..... What worked with mine is asking...Why are you grumbling? I'm going to stop listening to you grumble because you seem to like it, but I don't like it. If you want to talk to me in a normal voice, I'll be in the kitchen having a quiet cup of tea.

Worked a dream

Hi teajunky. I know this post was absolutely ages ago, but I've just come across it as I'm experiencing EXACTLY same with my 4 year old DD since arrival of her baby sister and starting school. I too feel so down and stressed and it is on my mind every waking moment! She is generally ok during the day, and she adores her sister thankfully, but bedtimes are horrendous. I have even been to the doctor to discuss as hv was useless and also spoke to a family friend who is a behavioural expert and they have all said the same thing, which is that she is enjoying any attention even if negative and to make sure we ignore bad behaviour etc and basically do the rapid return thing, but if we do this she loves it and sees iy as a big game - and seems to enjoy it as she is still getting us to be with her even if no eye contact etc. Reward charts don't seem to work as although she is initially excited and motivated, by 9pm when she is continually coming down and we remind her about chart she doesn't care! We are exhausted and it is causing a lot of tension between me and DH because he thinks we should be v v tough but I just worry about her emotionally and kind of feel sorry for her as she is obviously finding the changes really hard. I am in such a muddle and feel like a complete failure. I also really feel envious of other people whose children seem to go to bed w no fuss.

Also, like you my DH is a tidy freak and although I am also quite house proud I get v defensive if he tries to do any housework or makes a comment like 'Better hoover the lounge as really needs doing'! He says it isn't a dig, but I take it as one and then feel pressure to have everything perfect.

So, guess (if you are still out there!) I wanted to see if things got better foe you as praying just a phase, but can't dee the light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, I can't believe how unsupportive some fellow mumsnetters have been on this thread. You were clearly upset and being a Mum is very tough at times. It makes me so angry that we don't all support each other instead of being so judgemental. Or if they can't do this, then why comment? I would have felt even more down after receiving their unhelpful comments. Hope things got better!

I don't know if the parenting books would advise this or not but I tell my son that I will never give in for yelling or whining. I will listen and sympathise but he will never get something for doing it. If he wants something eg. a snack then he has to calm down and use a proper voice to ask. If I have decided he is not having something eg. No more tv, then I am very clear that I have made my decision and start getting on with other things. The shingling never lasts long as he knows it is futile. You have to be careful not to give in/indulge bad behaviour as it encourages more I think.

Hi Teajunky, haven't read the whole thread so dont know if anyone has recommended laura markham. This post particularly deals with the mummy I hate you issue www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/preschoolers/wonder-years.
I get her emails x3 per week and her book, together with how to talk and unconditional parenting really help you understand the neurology such as a developing frontal cortex behind a 4 year old's behaviour and then give you the tools to be less reactive yourself and coach your 4 year old into managing their behaviour. I found it transformational but if you're not convinced, it's worth checking out the books' amazon reviews.

You are not alone. Stay strong. The only way I can keep my sanity is to walk away sometimes. Not everyone is born with the ability to parent flawlessly. I find if I tell her to sort it herself or walk away she soon changes her attitude and wants my help.

Not really sure what I am hoping for here. To vent and gain some perspective I suppose? Apologies in advance for the long post.

I have a beautiful 4 Year old DC who I adore, but they have started having 'outbursts'. Particularly in a larger peer group settings where they are supposed to be taking instruction/paying attention, such as during school and in extra cirricular sessions. It is incredibly rude and disruptive, and no amount of explaning how inappropriate it is seems to have any effect whatsoever!
It has been so bad that we have had to pull them from a sports club this evening, as they just disrupted the whole session by shouting out and messed about terribly. This was the third week of observing this behaviour, and after no change, despite DH and I explaining that it wasn't OK to behave like this, we felt it was the right thing to do for DC, the staff and the sake of the other students.
They also have the attention span of a Gnat in these instances, but can focus completely on lone activities and 1-2-1. I feel really disappointed and frustrated, as DC specifically asked to attend the club with older sibling.
Their Class Teacher also brought up a similar issue at a recent Parent's Evening.
Part of me is thinking that they are only 4 and a half, and it is somewhat normal behaviour. But, I haven't experienced this with my older DC and I don't want it to become an issue moving forward, or for DC to start being seen/labelled as disruptive.
DC is cheeky and spirited by nature, and can be a handful sometimes, but I don't think it is deliberate, more that they just don't see it as misbehaving. They are also very intelligent, inquisitive, opinionated and seem to see adults as peers?! Part of me is wondering if ADD/ADHD could be a possibility, as they seem to have no filter at all!
Has anyone else experienced similar? Does it sound like an age/development issue or possibly something more?