I am worried my two year old has been 'damaged' after bad advice when she was a few days old...

[grazer]

I feel guilty about this constantly and think about it often. Sometimes I can't sleep because it weighs heavily on my mind.

When my DD was a few days old (first time mum and clueless) my horrid MIL put pressure on me to leave her to cry it out during the night (didn't know anything about cry it out method at that point, I am now fully versed). The first night she cried until she fell asleep and then slept through the night which was very odd as she was feeding constantly beforehand. I thought she was OK as she still got up to feed a little the next day but the feeds were few and very far between. She slept all day that day when she wasn't feeding (she only fed about three times) and then slept straight for about 12 hours without crying for a feed.

Of course by then I was already starting to worry but wasn't sure what to do. I lay next to her while she slept beside me in her moses basket and was very stressed and worried and unable to sleep.

By 3am I was in a complete panic as she still wouldn't wake and cry for a feed and she was just sleeping and nothing more.

I then tried to rouse her and feed her but she wouldn't wake. I tried everything but nothing would wake her. In a complete panic I called the NHS helpline who said if she didn't wake soon then I should take her to A&E but to try for a while longer.

It took half an hour of having the window wide open, with her undressed for cold air to go over her, and me trying to rouse her any way I could, before she took my nipple and latched on. In total it was somewhere over 12 hours before she had that feed.

After that she went back to feeding normally

I am now ridden with guilt for following MIL's advice and feel I may have caused damage to my daughter.

I ignored her cries for hours and she was only a few days old. She became limp and weak and unresponsive.

Since that night I have been worried that I may have caused her psychological or emotional harm. To some this may sound ridiculous, but research has shown that babies who face distress very early on can be very affected it and I worry about this all the time.

I would really appreciate some experienced mothers and fathers to give me their honest thoughts on this.

I worry all the time that I have set her up for a lifetime of depression and/ or anxiety issues.

Sorry I should have said this was a long post in the title.

Oh, darling OP. I know the research you're talking about, but we're talking about one or two days, when she was a few days old? And you roused her and fed her, and presumably stopped trying to CIO after that? So she's had two years of responsive, loving care from a good mother, after a day or two of crying?

She's fine, OP. The research talks about repeated stress levels and distress, ongoing neglect, that sort of thing (and it's also very controversial, since it's obviously completely unethical to test it in a scientific environment so you can't control for variables).

At the risk of sounding awfully bossy, I would like you to do the following:

a) Forgive yourself completely. You love your daughter and you've always done the best you can.

b) If this is keeping you anxious ALL the time, you might need to consider some counselling for that, because two years down the track, that's not normal. And you deserve to be happy in your motherhood.
c) Tell your mother in law that she is an evil harpy who can never see your daughter unsupervised.

Okay, maybe not that last one. But please, the other two.

You have not harmed your baby from this one incident. Try not to let it play on your mind. Easy for me to say of course.

The neural networks which build memories and behaviour patterns and personality are so so little developed at that age that this will have no bearing. Yo would have had to repeat it lots of times.

Do NOT worry! This was all over an actually very small time frame, you realised immediately something wasn't right and rectified the situation. If you'd done it for months then yes I would worry but for the time frame your talking about not at all.
She will have made a secure attachment to you as her primary care giver. Ultimately you followed your own instincts, which is the best lesson you can learn (and sounds like you did pretty succinctly) parental guilt and making mistakes is all part of it, it shows your doing it right!

Thank you so much for your reply Tortoise

I haven't spoken to anyone about this except my DH in RL.

I do actually suffer from anxiety which peaked, because of the stress I was put under by DH's family, after DD was born. Believe me when I say MIL already knows I think she is an Evil Harpy. I am much better now but I could never shake the feeling that I might have hurt her and needed to get some outside perspective.

Your points don't sound bossy at all, and I honestly needed to hear that.

"The neural networks which build memories and behaviour patterns and personality are so so little developed at that age that this will have no bearing"

That is really good to know. I just needed to get this off my chest, thank you for the replies!

Honestly my DD and I have such a close relationship now that I couldn't ask for more.

God who ARE these people who tell new mums to ignore FOUR DAY OLD BABIES! I'm SO angry on your behalf, OP. But I agree with the others, this is something that you rectified. I don't think there'll be any long term damage.
(How is your DH? What's his personality like? Do you think HE may have had unresponsive care as an infant? I'd be very interested to hear your thoughts on his adult personality and how it may have been impacted by his mum's obvious willingness to be unkind to a baby).

You will not be the only mum who has done this. As you progress through motherhood you will meet hundreds of parents who have followed some unwanted pressurised advice and hated it. Whether it be mil, a school, a nursery a partner.

Don't let it be a dark sadness. You have learnt a powerful thing, that people give really bad advice. You will now go onto parenthood armed with this knowledge.

Your child will not be damaged in any way. Her brain is growing and every cuddle you give, giggle you have and fun time will keep her brain growing.

Please put this negative experience to one side now, it's in the past no harm has been done and don't let it e wet any more strain on you.

We all make mistakes parenting, dust yourself down and move on.

You sound like a really lovely mum!

Aw my eyes welled up for you when I read your post OP, I really feel for you. Please don?t feel guilty. You did what you thought was the right thing at the time, it was a long time ago and it sounds like, having gone through an awful night, things did work out fine for you both after that. Your baby will not remember those first few days. Honestly. Only repeated and consistent neglect would have affected her psychologically, and she hasn?t had that experience. What makes you think that she has been affected in some way? How she behaves now cannot possibly have been influenced by 2 specific days when she was 2-4 days old. Every child is different and they have their own personalities and characters and develop at different rates anyway. Your guilt actually shows you are a wonderful caring Mum who thinks about things carefully and worries about her child, but you should try to let it go now, and enjoy the loving relationship you now have with your child.

Another vote for you not worrying here.

Babies can be damaged by willful, repeated, persistent neglect or abuse but it has to be over a long period, i.e.months, and it doesn't happen in the context of a loving relationship.

If she'd been ill in hospital and unable to keep food down or be held for that period you wouldn't worry that it had harmed her so don't beat yourself up because you did it under pressure.

Would it help you to write your MIL a letter detailing how you feel about what you were pressured to do that day? Getting it down on paper might help you to put it behind you and allow you to enjoy your beautiful DD. You don't have to give her the letter. You could keep it, shred it, burn it or whatever feel like a good way to dispose of it.

Ouch dayoldcheesecake that's a little harsh. The OP is obviously in distress and has come onto these boards seeking some reassurance. My mum used to say 'if you havent got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'. Perhaps you should mull this over before letting your fingers loose on your keyboard again?

My DD was extremely sleepy at a few days old and I had to keep trying to wake her up to feed her. I think it's an effect of the jaundice that many newborns get, and a completely normal thing.

I took DS to a wedding when he was a few days old and left him to cry a few times in our hotel room - my decision, not imposed by anyone else, flame me if you will. He's a happy, normal, well-adjusted lad in his twenties now....

Agree that maybe some anxiety management is in order here. Nasty feeling when you can't shake off a worry.

I know the resear h you mean and I am totally against cio despite having done it myself in desperation with older children. However I suspect problems arise for children whose parents do not respond to their needs on an ongoing basis ie that is the nature of their relationship. Obv not the case in your situation.

My dts were very early and rather poorly when they were born, so I didn't even hold DS until day 8. Is he damaged? Er, no!

And anecdotally I know of lots and lots of babies who had a massive sleep in the first few days of being born and barely woke to feed. Being born is tiring it would seem! And doesn't always fit with the NHs schedule for getting feeding established.

She will be fine. I think it's natural to go over the early days at some point, but try not to dwell, it is a tiny brief moment in her life already.

dayoldcheesecake. What a twattish and unsupportive response. Are you actually like that in RL? Would you actually speak to a REAL person like that?

You musn't blame yourself - in fact when you listened to your own instincts and woke her and tried everything to make her feed, you were being a fantastic mother.

We all trust people who have been there done that when we have our firstborns, but we learn to trust our own judgement and follow our instincts - you did that!

You need to let it go and be happy

Oh there's always someone delightful on threads like this isn't there.
Jeez.

Cheesecake that was harsh,The. OP is distressed and worried, She is not playing childish games. Nobody was suggesting sending a letter to her MIL just that she might like to write stuff down to get it off her mind and then throw it away.

OP you sound a. lovely Mum. Don't worry you haven't damaged your DD.

Agree cheesecake is being way too harsh. We're all vulnerable in those first days after bringing a newborn home, especially if it's our first. The OP took bad advice from someone who should know better but quickly realised her mistake and did what she could to rectify. We all make mistakes. It's part of being a parent.
Op, it's highly unlikely that you've done your dd any harm but I understand how you feel. I look back on situations I could have handled better and worry about lasting damage but my boys are healthy and happy so I should stop beating myself up.

If its any consolation, DS2 slept almost constantly in his first few weeks and had to be woken for feeds. It's fairly normal in newborns.

DayOldCheesecake that was really unpleasant and unnecessary.

The OP isn't playing any PA or childish games. Most new mums are vulnerable to criticism and pressure and she did what she was advised very strongly to do by someone who had many years of parenting experience and should have been trustworthy and supportive.

Why would you hand your baby over to SS because you'd been pressured into doing something you hadn't wanted to do and been worrying about the effect it had had on your child's development? What a ridiculous thing to say.

My suggestion of getting her feelings down on paper is a well recognised way of processing a traumatic experience and moving on.

Oh and the OP's baby is a she not an it.

Those inclined to trolling type behaviour should stick to AIBU

Most 50+ yr olds (and some younger too) would have been left to cry it out regularly as young babies. Most of those adults have not suffered a life time of depression and anxiety.

Did the same thing myself to DD when she was five weeks old due to alot of pressure from a number of people, including other parents of young children. I also felt very guilty about it at the time (have other things to feel guilty about now she's two ). Not done her any harm so try not to worry as time passes it will be forgotten. I ended up getting very angry at my own mother when she was bitching about me saying it was really odd and wierd that DD was so clingy with me at nine weeks old. Some people especially your own parents/inlaws just want to show that they know better than you that they still have some control over you.

I'm sure all the medical evidence will support that a baby can't come to any harm from one incident like this so please put it behind you and don't give it another thought.

Please listen to these lovely posters - and ignore the other one - you have not damaged your little girl at all.