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How Can I Help my 3.5yo learn to read?

34 replies

PavlovtheCat · 11/07/2013 22:06

Ok, I know that sounds like I am too eager and a bit precious!

He doesn't hold his pencil with pencil grip yet; he holds it like a knife. He struggles to make proper marks and has shown not to much interest in drawing etc. No big deal, he is tiny, has years to figure it all out. But, recently, he is getting upset that he cannot write yet and I think this is hindering him in learning to hold his pencil correctly and draw/practice swirls. He is getting frustrated that what he wants to draw doesn't look like what he wants, and so he stops. If he was not bothered, I wouldn't really be too bothered about pressing him just yet.

I know I shouldn't compare him to his DS and I am not doing so negatively, rather trying to figure out how we helped her along and encouraged her to work through her frustrations. But, she didn't have any. She had pencil grip from pretty much as soon as she could hold a pencil and was happy making marks, and being pleased as punch at her 'flower' or her 'mummy' which may well have looked nothing like it. She would quite happily draw us pictures, or do a scribble in a birthday card and say it was her name or kisses.

A few weeks ago I asked DS if he would like to draw or write in daddy's birthday card. He cried and said 'no!' and run away. I asked what was wrong and he said 'I can't do letters, I can only do squiggles!' and cried again. I asked if he wanted to do some squiggles as daddy loved his squiggles and he said no, so I left it.

He has since then taken some interest in drawing, his sister is an avid drawer and so he has been copying her, which I have encouraged by asking her to let him draw with her (sometimes he messes up what she does so she gets cross, but has got better at this). He has just drawn a card for his granny, by copying his sister, he did a fabulous rainbow, which looked just like a rainbow and a flower (I almost didn't want to send it!) so he is making progress.

This evening daddy was writing my birthday card out and asked if he wanted to do something in the card. He became upset again and said that he couldn't write letters. DH mentioned this to me as he was surprised that he was even aware he couldn't do it, mainly as DD took it in her stride and naturally just moved through that phase without really knowing she wasn't being clear in her marks.

Is this a common thing children go through with learning letters? I have no problems with the not knowing - he is interested in books, asks about what letters are what etc, but I am worried that his frustrations might stop him from trying as he progresses if he finds things difficult to master (as he will!). He has always been a child that has been frustrated with not being able to do things right now, including speaking and many of his tantrums have been, and continue to be when he can't express himself using the words he wants, or so we can understand him.

What can we do to help him build his confidence in trying things that he can't do well? I am not so much thinking for right now, but as we move through his learning I don't to suddenly go 'ok we need to find out how we help him' when it's a real problem (if it even becomes a problem).

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PavlovtheCat · 11/07/2013 22:07

I know I shouldn't compare him to his DS that should be DSis

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PavlovtheCat · 11/07/2013 22:13

I meant to add in my epic post that I have spoken to his pre-school about his pencil grip in terms of things to work on next term - they have said that boys are generally later in developing their fine motor skills so they have no concerns in this area, but will work on developing those, not just through practicing the correct grip, but through doing pegboards etc.

And, we do sit with him drawing, painting, colouring etc. His colouring-in is, actually, very neat. But he refuses for the most part to do anything that might resemble a shape, or a controlled movement of the pen independently. Although he obviously does at pre-school as his rainbow was great.

It's not his level I am worried about, it's his stubborn refusal to try because he is so upset he can't do it. And I am amazed he is so aware!

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ItsintheBag · 11/07/2013 22:26

My DD had problems with grip(she was at school so more pressing) but her teacher gave me loads of ideas to improve her motor skill to help her hold the pencil.These are at least fun and might help,I know with DD she was mad to write having an older DB who could same with reading.I cut and paste this from what I was given.

Hope they help

  • Moulding and rolling play dough into balls - using the palms of the hands facing each other and with fingers curled slightly towards the palm.

? Rolling play dough into tiny balls (peas) using only the finger tips.

? Using pegs or toothpicks to make designs in play dough.

? Cutting play dough with a plastic knife or with a pizza wheel.

? Tearing newspaper into strips and then crumpling them into balls. Use to stuff scarecrow or other art creation.

? Scrunching up 1 sheet of newspaper in one hand. This is a super strength builder.

? Using a plant sprayer to spray plants, (indoors, outdoors) to spray snow (mix food colouring with water so that the snow can be painted), or melt "monsters". (Draw monster pictures with markers and the colours will run when sprayed.)

? Picking up objects using large tweezers such as those found in the "Bedbugs" game. This can be adapted by picking up Cheerios, small cubes, small marshmallows, pennies, etc., in counting games.

? Shaking dice by cupping the hands together, forming an empty air space between the palms.

? Using small-sized screwdrivers like those found in an erector set.

? Lacing and sewing activities such as stringing beads, Cheerios, macaroni, etc.

? Using eye droppers to "pick up" coloured water for colour mixing or to make artistic designs on paper.

? Rolling small balls out of tissue paper, then gluing the balls onto construction paper to form pictures or designs.

? Turning over cards, coins, checkers, or buttons, without bringing them to the edge of the table.

? Making pictures using stickers or self-sticking paper reinforcements.

? Playing games with the "puppet fingers" -the thumb, index, and middle fingers. At circle time have each child's puppet fingers tell about what happened over the weekend, or use them in songs and finger plays.
? Bake cookies with your children. Stirring batter provides workout of the arms and muscles and cutting and spooning out cookies can improve hand-eye co-ordination. Besides, the children get to eat their creation as well.
? Show them their favourite CD on the computer and encourage them to help you put the CD in the CD Drive. They can also use the mouse and keyboard which improves finger, hand and eye co-ordination.
? Encourage your children to paint and draw. Alternate between thick and fine brushes. Another trick is to paint with a cotton swab, this improves the pincer grip which later on aids the child in writing.
? Play with building blocks such as Lego. Start with larger blocks and then move on to smaller blocks.
? Play connect the dots. Make sure the child's strokes connect dots from left to right, and from top to bottom.

? Trace around stencils - the non-dominant hand should hold the stencil flat and stable against the paper, while the dominant hand pushes the pencil firmly against the edge of the stencil. The stencil must be held firmly.

? Paint at an easel. Some of the modelling activities as suggested above can be done at the easel.
Scissor Activities
When scissors are held correctly, and when they fit a child's hand well, cutting activities will exercise the very same muscles which are needed to manipulate a pencil in a mature tripod grasp. The correct scissor position is with the thumb and middle finger in the handles of the scissors, the index finger on the outside of the handle to stabilize, with fingers four and five curled into the palm.
? Cutting junk mail, particularly the kind of paper used in magazine subscription cards.

? Making fringe on the edge of a piece of construction paper.

? Cutting play dough with scissors.

? Cutting straws or shredded paper.

sameoldIggi · 11/07/2013 22:28

Why is he upset that he can't write yet? Why would he think he should be able to write already?
My ds couldn't write anything other than his name till he started school at 5. I have no problem with that, we already start education earlier than other countries.

Believeitornot · 11/07/2013 22:29

Maybe he feels too under pressure.

Ds is a similar age. His preschool (which is one of the best around so they know their stuff) says that boys in particular are quite sensitive to that sort of thing so you really need to ease off. Don't whatever you do criticise, even in a nice way. Just model how to hold a pen etc but only when he wants to.

Also maybe he sees you praising your dd for doing certain things and he wants the praise too. How abou praising and encouraging what he is good at more?

lougle · 11/07/2013 22:31

Pavlov, I was quite surprised when I read the OP and then saw your name.

He's 3.5!!! He will do it when he's ready.

If his fine motor skills need a boost, concentrate on gross motor activities. The key for handwriting is shoulder stability and arm control.

Think of it like a 'refining process'. Shoulder, arm, wrist, fingers. You can't get finger control if your arms are uncontrolled.

He is tiny. He has a whole year before he'll be in reception. Don't worry and let him do the fun stuff.

If you do an advanced search, Mrz has posted big lists of activities that promote the skills needed as prescursors to handwriting.

ReallyTired · 11/07/2013 22:36

Three and half years old is really young to be writing letters and boys are generally slower as well. There is no point in trying to each a child to write until they physiologically ready. If a child is not physiologically ready then it will put them off for life.

I suggest that you forget about the pen and experiment with other ways of mark making. Ie. large chalks on the ground, painting, making patterns in playdough.

It is a no brainer trying to each a child to write if they cannot draw a simple picture.

Ds could not write until year 1 and had OT input. He is fine now.

januarysnowdrop · 11/07/2013 22:42

I reckon it is trickier for younger siblings - the oldest one is showered with praise from their parents every time they produce a rubbishy scribble, whereas the younger ones have to put up with scathing remarks from their older siblings when they produce the best drawing they are capable of! My dd2 (age 4) similarly gets upset about her drawings and will often screw them up and throw them away if she's unhappy with them - actually her older sister is very tactful, but I think dd2 does compare her work with that of dd1 and finds herself wanting. It's difficult to know how to reassure them - I find the best times with dd2 are when I can spend 1-1 time with her just enjoying drawing together, helping her when she wants it but not trying to teach her anything.

And as others have said, why on earth would a 3.5 yo need to learn to read?! They have far more important things to be getting on with.

PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 08:23

Oh no I don't want you to think I want him to write yet! I couldn't give a toss! And honestly there is no pressure on him at all, we are really laid back about this type of thing, which is why I am worried about him being upset, as its not something we expected.

Seem fab tips for helping him with his pencil grip, thank you its in the bag and good to know its quite normal for boys to be more sensitive, I will be more aware of that. He really is a sensitive boy.

He is great at so many things, and he always gets praise for the things he does well, and for giving something a go. But certainly he sees his sister writing, and he wants to be so like her, so maybe that's where his prssure is coming from.

What I want, is not for him to be reading, or even wanting him to read, but to learn how to manage frustrations that he has with not being able to wha he wants, which at the moment is around not being able to write.

same I don't know why either, that's why I am asking!

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PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 08:24

january that is so true! He did manage to give my two fabulous kisses in my card, for which I was actually very chuffed, and DD said 'they looks like pluses' and I shh'd her! That is something I will work on with DD, to help her encourage him too, but, think that's something we have to work on with ds directly.

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cornflakegirl · 12/07/2013 09:25

I was googling about pencil grips recently, as DS2 (who is a few months older) attempts a tripod grip, but with a bit of finger curling. I found a lot of stuff about the different grip stages that children go through, and it really reassured me about not pushing him to use a grip that his muscles aren't ready for (as ReallyTired said). I was a bit unsure because DS1 (summer birthday) was still using a palm grip when he started school, and still (just 8) doesn't really like writing, and I thought there might be a connection.

If he's really keen to write, can you teach him the letters of his name (with whatever grip)? DS2 had a real sense of achievement from being able to write his name - even though it might not look like his name to anyone else!

PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 09:32

same I think january hit the nail on the head with the sibling pressure in relation to why he wants so badly to learn. Been thinking about this today, and it makes sense...she is 7 she has sprung into reading and writing in a huge way recently, doodling, writing thoughts etc every opportunity. But he hasn't seen her go through the learning phase, so I guess it makes sense that he doesn't get that he has to learn these things, which takes time, he wants to just be able to do it as his big sister can.

I think, what I want to be sure of, is if we don't pay too much attention to it,which is our instinct, that is does not matter much, we are not making things difficult for hm in the future, or even now, by ignoring something that he feels is important. I am very aware that he gets much less one to one time than dd did at this age, so want to not miss things that will he him develop.

The Subject of the thread is probably a bit misleading, as its actually mor about him wants to write, not read, and it's about him not us. Bt, it got you into the thread though eh? Grin

I promise I a not some precious mother with a stick standing over her boy maki him repeat the alphabet over and over and writing his name until he gets it correct!

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PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 09:36

cornflake he just doesn't want to try. I have written his name for him, just so he can see what it looks like, and he likes to see his name written. He calls all the letters in his name 's' and says this is his favourite letter, so definitely paying attention to his letters. One time when I showed him how to hold the pencil. He tried it, couldn't make a mark easily and so became upset, has not it tied it since.

I will back off tithing to get him to hold his pencil correctly for now, or worrying about it, and just spend more time having fun with colours and shapes etc, and concentrating on fun things that improve his motor skills.

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cornflakegirl · 12/07/2013 09:40

ItsintheBag - that's really interesting about the proper scissors grip - I'd never heard that before. I might get some scissors with smaller grip holes to encourage DS to hold the scissors like that.

MrsOakenshield · 12/07/2013 09:43

oh! I thought this was going to be about learning to read, not write and was looking for tips - DD seems to want to learn to read but I'm not sure how to 'teach' her.

Will start a thread of my own!

PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 09:52

Sorry mrsoaken...I used read instead of writing. Maybe I wil, ask MNhq to change the word...

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cornflakegirl · 12/07/2013 10:04

Would he use a wax crayon or chalk, so that the angle and the grip don't matter so much. s is a lovely letter to write, so maybe he could learn the shape of that one, so that he feels he's writing (just like his big sister!)

PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 10:58

He has some big crayons and chunky pencils to hold, hexagonal shaped ones. I will get more chunky chalk as I think he will enjoy drawing patterns in the garden now we have some nice weather.

Maybe I will also get his own pencil case so he doesn't feel like he is having to share with his sister (it's all in a big tin, apart from her felt pens, they are well away from them both Wink). He did ask for a pencil case yesterday, but he wanted to put some pennies in it!

Love that he likes 's' but not sure why he does, it's not even in his name!

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ChazDingle · 12/07/2013 21:54

My DS 3.1 also got upset a few times when he tried to write. I didn't ask or push him to write but he tried to write a two and TBH it was a half decent effort you could tell it was a 2, but he started crying and saying it was not a good 2, same things happened with a straight line. I think he knows how it should look but just doesn't have the motor skills to be able to write what he wants. He wouldn't draw for ages after that but has started drawings and painting again since we had the warmer weather and paints out all the time in garden.

PavlovtheCat · 12/07/2013 22:16

chaz that's exactly what DS does. He knows what he thinks it should look like, and so is upset that it doesn't look like he thinks it should. I am going to do some garden art this weekend!

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topsyandturvy · 13/07/2013 09:15

I think he mush age picked up the idea from somewhere ha there is an expectation on him with regard to writing.

I would personally cut out all invitations to write, look at writing, trace writing, hold a pencil etc completely r you may rid having an extremely reluctant writer in your hands in two years time.

He will be taught at preschool and school, you are the mummy so you get to just have fun and play.

For what it's worth, my ds 3.5 marks marks sometimes, portly some scrap paper covered in wonky circles. But I never show him how to do it properly or more neatly or try to correct him, general scribbling and marking is totally age appropriate .

topsyandturvy · 13/07/2013 09:33

So sorry, not got the hang of stupid ipad yet.

It should begin, I think he must ...

PavlovtheCat · 13/07/2013 09:43

topsy oh I wouldn't cut out looking at writing! We are readers so that would be impossible. We read bedtime stories every day, and he brings books over himself for me or DH to read to him, so that wouldn't work. But, I do agree to hold back a little on encouraging him to form letters etc. The biggest thing I am concerned about though, as said before, is that he is frustrated with his inability to write. I am not frustrated with it. DD at this age made marks and shapes, she was not any further developed with her forming of letters, she was not just not bothered that her marks didn't look like what she intended and so it was something that we didn't think about, she learnt at her own pace. But, DS really doesn't want to learn at his own pace! He wants to do it now and that he can't upsets him.

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PavlovtheCat · 13/07/2013 09:44

topsy not sure you will ever get the hang of the ipad, it has it's own rules about spelling and correcting from what I can see Grin

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PavlovtheCat · 13/07/2013 09:45

I don't correct his scribbles either. Never. He is the critical one!

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