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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

cancel birthday party?

50 replies

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 18:58

My dd will be 10 in a few Weeks. We are taking some of her friends out then out for tea then sleepover. The day will be very expensive but I wanted her to have a good day. Thing is she is being very badly behaved lately. She shows a complete lack of respect for me and Dh. Screams at us and doesn't do as she is told. She has become lazy and has the attitude of a teenager. I have threatened to cancel party as other punishments haven't worked. Would this be too mean?

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JumpingJackSprat · 31/05/2013 19:13

If youve threatened it you need to go through with it. it mught shock her into behaving herself. i wouldnt then back down if she behaves well or it wont teach her anything.

tumbletumble · 31/05/2013 19:18

Maybe you could give her the chance to earn it back by good behaviour? But if she doesn't rise to the challenge and improve her behaviour then you need to go ahead with cancelling the party.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 19:25

That's exactly what I've done, telling her it will be canceled if things don't improve. Tbh I think she probably doesn't believe I would go through with canceling it as she has been looking forward to it so much. I have started to feel embarrassed by the way she talks to me lately. She has even taken to shoving me when we are out and she doesn't get her own way.

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JumpingJackSprat · 31/05/2013 19:34

If shes shoving you as well as general disrespect id cancel it, and i wouldnt be offering for her to earn it back. therwise she will learn if she just behaves for a few weeks she gets what she wants and where do you draw the line?!

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 31/05/2013 19:38

How about saying that the next time it happens one of the aspects of the party will be cancelled (i.e. the expensive going out bit or the sleepover, whichever you think would have most effect) and then if it happens again it will all be cancelled? Shoving you at age 10 is really not on and I would be very cross about that. You might have to actually tell people the arrangements had changed, too, to show you mean business.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 19:41

I am getting fed up with it. Can only see things getting worse as she grows older. I find punishments hard, really just want her to be happy.

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Original poster

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 19:42

Snazzy, that sounds like a good idea.

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Gruntfuttocks · 31/05/2013 19:45

As a parent, you have a responsibility to teach her how to behave, and giving in to her demands and trying to please her won't lead to her being happy, it will lead to her being a spoilt brat. Tell her to shape up right now or the party is off, and don't back down. At 10, you can still regain control, but the clock is ticking and you need to shut down this behaviour right now.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 19:54

Thanks grunt. You are right. I just want my kids to be happy but they are both badly behaved and getting worse. dd2 is 7 and is no better. Think I need to toughen up a bit.

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princesssmartypantss · 31/05/2013 19:56

i think as above if you have made a threat you need to go through with it, but as soon as possible in a quiet moment when things are not heated sit down with her one to one, no tv or other distractions, perhaps with Dh too, and explain your expectations, e.g the rules, such as you are not to push or shove, you are not to sceam etc, try to keep it clear and simple and then as often as possible reinforce good/ normal behaviour in a way which isn't too cheesy for a 10 year old teenager. e.g a toddler would love an entire round of applause for being great at something but suspect this isn't so good for a 10 year old who thinks she is 16!

Original poster

bluebluecow · 31/05/2013 20:02

Thanks for all the great advice. they are so great when they are good. We spend a lot of time just me and them as dh works a lot and we have no family. I never get a break from them. I know I treat them too much and let them get away with loads. Think I need to shape up

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doughnut44 · 01/06/2013 10:35

it sounds to me that you are trying to make them happy too much and they are expecting treats.
if your daughter has pushed you it shows that she has not got the respect for you that you deserve.
I think that as you have threatened to cancel the party you should go through with it and not just modify it. drastic behaviour calls for drastic action in my opinion.
as someone has said, if you do cancel do it at a quiet time and be firm.

pipsqueakz · 01/06/2013 16:41

Absolutely agree with doughnut! I had that prob with dd8. I took away privileges and pull her up about behaviour in front of friends sometimes. Now she knows I mean what I say and doesn't push it too much. Hope this gets straightened out soon op.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 02/06/2013 19:54

Well since I threatened cancellation of the party she has been very well behaved up until today. She felt her sister had been given a larger share of popcorn than her so threw her bowl of popcorn over me! I told her that she'd def lost her party. She's screaming that she didn't mean to throw the popcorn but she obviously did. What now? friends are aware of party but no official invites gone out yet.

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Neiffer · 02/06/2013 19:58

Definitely do not back down on cancelling the party or she'll never believe your threats in the future. It may seem harsh now but it will pay off in the long run honestly. Stick to it and save the cash for her 11th when she's trearing you with more respect

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 02/06/2013 20:06

Time for a tough line I think!

Original poster

bluebluecow · 02/06/2013 20:09

I really think she doesn't think I'll go through with it. I feel I need to do something. Her complete lack of respect for me is embarrassing. It will be hard but I can't see another way.

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Neiffer · 02/06/2013 20:14

Stay strong, she'll go through various phases before the reality actually kicks in and you'll want to break. But long term she'll realise she can't behave as she likes and still get everything she wants. It'll also be a bit embarrassing for her which might make her a bit more humble as well. Realky, really you need to not give in. Good luck!

Mrsrobertduvall · 02/06/2013 20:16

Do it.
I had a party when I was 8 and was very showy offy and a general PITA.
Dad sent me to bed.
I missed most of my party...never did it again.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 02/06/2013 20:18

Thank you so much. I think I need someone else to tell me I'm not being the meanest mum in the world. Dh thinks it's too harsh but he's not here as much as me

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pipsqueakz · 02/06/2013 20:34

Of course your not the meanest mum in the world! As my dear old mum says sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

zipzap · 02/06/2013 20:38

My S's did this to dn for her 8th birthday as she started to be badly behaved and tried lots if things, nothing worked so it was a last resort and invites had gone out so she had to explain why the party was off.

It worked - she was very surprised and upset my (usually much too nice!) dsis went through with it.

Behaviour improved for a while. And to show that once the party had been stopped there was a reason to behave better after a couple of days she said that if she behaved well still then she could invite 1 or 2 friend's over to play on her birthday. however, although they had a cake for tea the friend's parents were told it was not a party and this no presents.

Very different from the party and number of friends that she would have had - but after a horrid couple of days thinking she would do nothing for her birthday, it gave her a way to start to win trust back whilst still realising what she was missing.

Original poster

bluebluecow · 02/06/2013 21:12

Think I'll need to stay very strong. She's in bed now but refused to kiss me goodnight. I've just noticed the invitations she carefully made. She was due to hand them out tom. This is going to be hard

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Snazzywaitingforsummer · 02/06/2013 21:16

I'd guess your DH hasn't had popcorn thrown over him! It will be tough, yes, so tell him why you really need him to back you up on this one. I like zipzap's suggestion about offering a lesser option if she can buck up her ideas.

freetrait · 02/06/2013 22:17

I would stick to what you said, but tell her she can earn it back again, it will just be delayed, but she needs to behave herself for a month then she can do it. Something like that...?

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