cancel birthday party?

[bluebluecow]

My dd will be 10 in a few Weeks. We are taking some of her friends out then out for tea then sleepover. The day will be very expensive but I wanted her to have a good day. Thing is she is being very badly behaved lately. She shows a complete lack of respect for me and Dh. Screams at us and doesn't do as she is told. She has become lazy and has the attitude of a teenager. I have threatened to cancel party as other punishments haven't worked. Would this be too mean?

Def stick to it now or she will forever walk all over you.

Yes - it will be hard, but hey - no one ever said parenting was easy!

You have to follow through with it or your life will not be worth living. She's 10 - you are running out of time to get this under control. There is no way you should be putting up with that behaviour. I bloody wouldn't that's for sure!!

I would tell her, in a calm moment, that if she can prove she has turned over a new leaf and can act like the 10 year old she is, you will consider a sleep over in the summer holidays.

and tell your DH that you expect him to back you up, 100%, in front of her and that he should be having words with her as well.

Yeah, you have to follow through, or she won't take you seriously and will carry on taking the p*.

Don't back down now, OP. Sounds like she had plenty of warnings.

It sounds like you have been trying to be her friend, OP and it has backfired.

I know it's hard, but do not back down no matter what strategies she tries to get you to change your mind and, oh she will. Crying, tantrums, being nice etc just so that you change your mind. Don't. If you feel yourself faltering, come here and we will support you.

Also, I agree with the previous posters who said that for longer term, you and DH need to sit her down and set out clear expectations of her behaviour and what rewards and privileges she will get for her positive behaviour and the sanctions for her poor behaviour.

Actually, this conversation should be for both of them. If you show you mean business with your older one re: party, I'm willing to bet that your DD2 will fall into line pretty quick.

Oh, and Chipping that s a good idea about allowing a sleepover in the summer.

Hi bluebluecow,

What a lovely day you've got planned for your daughter. I totally get that you'd like to see some behavior to match all the love and effort you are putting in to her day. It would be such a shame to cancel it, and also something she would remember for the rest of her life and unfortunately shed probably remind you of it !!
As you've noticed the punishments aren't working. punishment doesn't work, because it increases the negative feelings that cause 'bad' behavior.
It can be helpful to think about what happens when we get moody and shout- teenager behavior like your daughter.
We are usually having a hard day at these times. Stress exhaustion and overwork all cause us to lose it. It sounds like this might be happening to your daughter, and counterintuiveky slowing down, giving Her some special time, where she chooses to do something one on one with you and laughing together as a family, will help her feel more joyful and less sulky.
A few weeks of family bonding time could help improve her mood so by the time her birthday comes you will feel like she's more deserving of it.
Do you have someone you can really vent to about her behavior? I'm sure it must be incredibly frustrating for you, and having a good old moan to someone who doesn't offer too much advice can be really helpful.
And one other thing that may help is to try to be a listener to her, if she cries and gets upset, try to listen because crying is actually a healing process and if stuff is upsetting or stressing her having a good cry can improve her mood afterwards. I hope things improve and you have a beautiful day celebrating !!!

I sold my DS1's Coldplay tickets last year due to a string of bad behaviour. It broke my heart to do it. It still hurts me today.

But boy - did it work.

Am i the only person who got upset at the carefully handmade invitations?

I guess I see birthday parties as a right, not a privilege, at least until age 12 or so.

Although it will be hard to do stay strong. If you back down now that you have said it no consequence you mention in the future will mean anything. This may be just what is needed to show that the kind of behaviour you have been seeing is just not going to be tolerated.
My DD (aged 10) just got a practical lesson in I mean what I say. I put her long hair up in a ponytail for school to minimise nit risks. She kept taking it out at school then putting it back in, very badly, on her way home. She was warned that if she took it out at school again I would do her hair in the 2 high plaits I did for her in kindy so she couldn't take out at school & redo for home. She tested to see what would happen & when I saw her hair had been out I did hair next day in plaits. She pulled her school hat on & then burst into tears. I felt like the meanest mum in the world but she needed to learn the principal of I mean what I say for something simple so she would believe it for bigger things. She survived the day & now leaves her hair in.
I hope you were able to stick to it.

I agree you have to stay strong, and cannot reinstate the party as originally planned.

However, I do think it would be OK to think of a way to "earn" some kind of celebration back. Establish that for each full week of good behaviour that elapses, the number of friends she can invite will go up by one, but if there is an unacceptable incident like hitting you or deliberately throwing stuff the number will go down. So, if she behaves perfectly she gets a party, if she puts in a lot of effort with a few setbacks she'll still have a couple of friends around, if nothing changes, she gets nothing.

I will have to stick to it, I can't see another way as I do feel I am losing control with both of them. It will be so so hard tho

I agree that threats have to be carried out but just wanted to say that my DD1 was like this at 10 (and before tbh) and used to cause so much tension and rows and was prone to totally over the top outbursts and screaming fits. At 10.5 she started her periods and since then has become more aware of when this is likely to happen and take steps to deal with it better (go to her room for quiet time etc).
I had no idea how young girls are these days when hormones start causing problems but I'm sure she's a good 3 years ahead of me at that age.
Stick to your guns but be aware there may be more to it than just bad behaviour. My DD says she will prob be a model teenager as she was so horrible when she was younger, we can only hope.
I think you are dealing with it well tho, just stay calm and tell her she can do it when she's proved she can behave better.

Oh gosh I completely understand how those handmade invites would tug at heart strings! I always look at these things as short term pain versus long term gain. Yes it's going to be really tough and she may well scream and shout for awhile but children need clear boundaries and in the long term it'll work out. She won't thank you for it now but will in the future!

I would never take way a birthday party from a preteen, but I guess I am the only person who feels this way. There are plenty of other things you can do to bring home the message that she has to treat you with respect and consideration.

That's just it though. This seems to be the only thing she is bothered about. I've just had tears as she left for school and asked about her party again but she has also been rude again this morning. She seemed more concerned that I would tell people why her party was being canceled than the actual party itself. I told her that no one needs to know the reason and she calmed down a bit. I really need to do something to make her realise she can't behave the way she does

I choked up too when I saw the hand made invitation bit. But, please stay strong OP. My dd1 was being dreadful a couple of weeks ago, so I banned all computer use for a week. She's been angelic since. I did allow her to 'buy' a couple of one hour sessions after four days, in exchange for some serious housework.

Interesting that she seems more upset about her public image to her friends than the party itself.

I'm not surprised that she is more concerned about public image tbh. Can you imagine how mortifying it would be for her if her friends knew the reasons?

It sounds as if it's time for a sit around the kitchen table for a meeting with your dc and go completely back to basics!

You call them in for a family meeting where you have paper and pens ready. It would be good if you told your dh beforehand and was present as a united front.

You tell them you will be jointly drawing up a family contract where everybody has their say about what they want, about what they are willing to do and the consequences if they don't.

You write what you think is acceptable behaviour, what help you need around the house and ask them what they think the rewards should be if they are kind and helpful on a day to day basis and what the punishments should be if they aren't.

So your dd writes down what she thinks is acceptable behaviour, what she is going to do to help around the house and what she expects will happen to her if she doesn't, and what rewards there should be if she does.

By involving your dc in this process they will have 'ownership' of the ideas and therefore are more likely to compromise if they know themselves the consequences.

Everything your dc enjoy will be a bargaining chip for you, from the use of electronic devices, tv, treats of every kind, holidays, sleepovers etc. You can say they will be the rewards for kind and helpful behaviour.

So for example, in the early days we'd have a chart where she had to earn 100 'kind and helpful' points for us to go on a shopping trip, etc.

Even if she makes you a cup of tea or is kind to her younger sibling. You should recognise it and praise her and let her know there will be extra rewards if she does kind and helpful things especially without asking.

I use this system as I was finding my feisty 10 yo dd very challenging, we drew up a contract together and both of us signed it. I had to wave it a few times in the early days when she was forgetting it but we perservered and 5 years later she is the kindest, most helpful dd you could wish to meet! (she is also 6 inches taller and much stronger than me now)

It was a lot easier for my other dcs to follow suit with kindness and helpfulness as they saw the eldest as a role model.

I thought zipzap's idea was great too (so much wisdom on this forum!).
Can the invitations be amended so that she can invite the to play / tea / one aspect of the original plan only?
If not, tough titties for her. Give it a month and see if her behaviour improves and then let her have a little party. Cancelling her party sounds really harsh but it's not going to cause her lasting emotional damage. Letting her turn into a little shite WILL cause lasting damage - to her, you and everyone else.
Be strong - you can do it! And if she says you're too mean just send her onto this page and she can see that United Mummies of Britain have spoken!

At 10 I definitely would cancel. They're old enough to know better. Maybe something a bit smaller scale instead.

I cancelled my DD 16th, she was so looking forward to it but we had such bad behaviour the two weeks before I warned her more than once which I don't normally do, but I wanted her to have her 16th. but in the end it was cancelled. She has been much better behaved since, sometimes they need a shock..

Thank you for all your wonderful advice. she has been very upset today but accepts it. She told me she didn't actually think I would go through with it. She has been lovely this evening. I still feel sad but know it was for the best. I have said she can have a sleepover in the summer hols if things continue to improve.

Well done OP! Stay strong. You have done good .