Controlling my rage: I'm not winning the battle.

[SharkSkinThing]

Please help me, because I am feeling terribly low and concerned about my feelings of aggression towards my DS.

My DS is nearly 3. He's sweet, and kind, and super-bright. But he is also very, very militant, has selective hearing and is hard work in terms of sleep.

He has only just started going through the night, and even this is irregular, and he wakes very, very early (between 4.15am and 4.50am), and it took me almost 2 weeks to get him settled in to his big boys bed. Last night ago it took me 45 minutes and 70+ (I am not joking) returns to his bed before he stayed there. I have seen a sleep specialist, followed her advice to the letter, read every book and asked anyone and everyone what we could do.

I feel like I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. Just when I feel like we are turning a corner, he regresses. He had a major running off phase which we had got on top of, only for him to dash out of the swimming pool centre last week into a car park. A FUCKING CAR PARK! He was gone before I could catch him. We have had hitting, biting, spitting and throwing.

I know all of this is normal toddler stuff, and all in all I can keep calm enough to deal with him, though occasionally lose it and shout at it him so loudly he flinches. I have posted on here before about this and got some great advice.

But the other morning I lost it. He went to bed fine, but then work twice in the night, and then for good at 4.50am. He came in for a cuddle which in minutes turned into him hitting me. I leave the bed, and go somewhere else, but he followed me, still hitting me.

I went into his room, closed the door, sat down and cried. He followed me in, hit me again, I asked him to leave me, he continues. And I pushed him. Hard. So hard he hit the floor.

I am not proud of this. I have never, ever hit him, but I pushed him before I had even had a chance to take myself out of the situation, and this scares me. It was like a red mist.

I don't want him to think my behavior is OK. I don't want to have these thoughts about wanting to hurt him in order to make him understand how cross he makes me. I don't want this to happen again.

Has anyone else experienced this, and does anyone have any advice on how to manage this feeling of rage, before it gets out of control?

xx

How is his language? I should say how sorry I feel for you and I do....but you need to address your situation as an adult. Most toddlers are hard work...both of mine failed to sleep throug and my 5 year old still wakes up nightly and gets in with me....waking me up in the process...she and her sister both.ran off, hit me at times, got in bed with me and poked me....screamed, made messes. It's what they do....are you eating well? Or is your diet a bit off? I ask because it can really affect my own mood when I eat badly or drink a lot of coffee etc.

I have lost my temper too...nobody is perfect...I asked about DS's language as if they're not able to communicate well then they do get frustrated.

Oh shark i really feel for u so much... Try not to beat urself up about the rage, itis because u r so sleep deprived. I have a 13mth yr old VERY spirited painintheass gorgeous DS who tries my patience every day, and im renowned for my patience! He is lovely funny and super bright and just too alert. Sleep has ALWAYS been an issue for us and there have been many many times where i have lost it, either anger or tears totally from desperation from beijg sleep deprived.

I ended up on meds for PND because of the stress. This has helped immensely, im on a real low dose but just hekps take the edge off the relentlessness. I still cry and get angry but not as extreme.

Ive also heard lots of great feedback about the book 'raising ur spirited child' i havent bought it yet but im sure i will.

My DH now does all night wakings unless its bad then we tag team it so i am rested enough to cope during the day.

R u getting enough support? I ahve no family here so rely on DH,s family so is quite minimal because of the daily sleep issues. So i find that is the worst problem not getting enough of a break. I make sure i get time out in the weekend and DH takes over when he can, finally aft a year i can leave him with DH and know he may get some sleep at some stage!

Have a look at fedup.com.au website, very interesting stories from parents that had all kinds of behavioural issues that have been dealt with thru changes in diet. Incredible stories.

I really hope someone esle can give u some good advice, i just wanted to let you know u r not alone, u sound like an excellent loving mother with a bright adoring boy who is struggling to get your attention. Under the circumstances u r doing an amazing job.

Neo and Cabbage - thank you for replying, both of yo, I needed to hear some kind but honest words. And I'm so sorry you've been having a rough time too.

Neo - his language is great; it's very advanced for his age and he's always been a great talker, so he is very, very clear on what he wants. Too clear, really, and much of what he wants is 'Mummy, NOW'. He even tells DP to go away.

He is with a CM three days a week whilst I go to work, and it's been so bad that I've been considering doing an extra day, as I don't want to be with him, but then I worry it would make him worse.

My diet is OK, but I'm still a stone overweight since having him as I do so little exercise these days (I used to be an open water swimmer and cycled 40 miles a day to work and back), but tiredness has taken it's toll. At the end of a 17 hour day exercising is the last thing on my mind, I just want to go to bed. How I look depresses me enormously. I have little runs of losing a few pounds and feeling like myself again, but then the sleep regresses due to illness/routine changes/big boy bed etc and it takes weeks to get it back.

Cabbage. No, no support, family too far away and DP leaves at 6.30am and doesn't get back until 7pm. He does one drop off one morning a week which really helps, but he's only started this last week after 2 years of me doing them all and me begging him.

Thank you both again. I'll have a look at the books and links you've suggested, take a deep breath and repeat to myself the importance of staying in control. :)

How is HIS diet then OP? My very articulate older DD was and still is a nightmare if she has ANY processed food at all. I mean a sausage roll or a pack of sweets. I found she improved a lot with a very fresh diet.

A stone over weight isn't much in the grand scheme....I hope he managed to stick to helping you more!

Neo - DS's diet is pretty spot on.

I'm veggie (and was brought up old-school 1970's veggie!) so he has lots of fruit, veg, brown bread, cheese and pasta. He loves peas and fish and yoghurt and no sugary cereal. A biscuit here or there, the occasional treat like an ice-cream when we are out. or chocolate button for bribery purposes!

He's very tall for an almost three year old (most people think he's at school), and very physically active, swimming, walking and running around outside. You'd think he'd be sleeping 12 hours a night with all the fresh air he gets!

Just talking about it has really, really helped. Fingers crossed bedtime tonight will be calmer, as I've been at work so have had a break. Thanks so much, and good luck to you too. xx

Gah he sounds like he's just a live-wire then! Hang in there Shark....he'll be off to school soon and that will possibly shatter him a bit! I say possibly as my 5 year old seems to need school, then the playground and then some serious trampolining before she's even remotely tired!

I really feel for you as I have also felt the 'redmist' descend on occasions - and mine is only 21mo! I do worry how I'll cope when he's a proper toddler...

Check out aha parenting website - it's a bit American and patronising in places, but I get the weekly email thing and find it quite helpful.

Speaking with my professional hat on (I deal with anger mgt...laughable, I know) the main thing you need to give yourself to have any chance of managing anger is, time. So whatever works really: count backwards from 100 in 7s (counting to 10 is far too easy and not a distraction at all) recite some helpful phrase (I must not lose it, I must not lose it, for eg) or go somewhere he can't follow you - lock a door if you must.
The other aspect of anger management is to recognise the build up before you blow - so try to be aware of how 'hot' you're running at any one time, and therefore how much (or little!) it would take to tip you over the edge. If you notice you're feeling pretty stressed/on edge or whatever you call it, then do something asap to address that.

I'm working on practising what I preach...

Finally, we're only human so we will lose it sometimes. In some ways, it's good for children to see we have limits (obv physical aggression is never good, but beating yourself up after the even wont help either). The best thing you can do is talk to your son about the incident and apologise to him. If he's able to, you could try some basic 'what do you think you/I could do differently next time?' But that depends on his level of understanding, obviously.

Sorry about the essay! Hope it helps, you're not a bad parent x

3 is a hard age - they are old enough to have worked out that they are independent and want to control everything but not old enough to understand the impact of their actions on others. The good news is it does get easier - my v. difficult dd1 is so much easier now (although there are still moments) and am now just going through it all again with my soon to be 3 year old dd2!

I would recommend focussing hard on one particular issue at a time and whilst not letting the other issues go in the meantime, just fire fight those until you are able to focus on them.

It seems to me that if you could solve the sleep issue then that would help both you and ds to cope with the day. You seem to have made great progress here but waking at 4.50 is still going to leave you both tired and ratty. What we have done with sleep is choose an acceptable time to get up (in our house its 6.45 am) and stick with it - any earlier and it's back to bed. The gro clock has been a godsend for both of my children with this.

For other behaviour we use combination the step for unacceptable beaviour such as hitting, spitting etc. and also a marble reward system. For the marbles, we work on 3 behaviours (one marble for each). If the behaviour is repeated more than x times, then it's a marble gone. We count the marbles at the end of the week (or you could do it daily) and get a reward if there are enough. The marbles have worked better than stickers as they are more tangible and my dd's can see the marble physically being removed from the box.

These are just some ideas - they may or may not work for you or you may have tried them but you never know!

Just one other thought (taking from comments of friends with boys) is fresh air. My friends ds's don't cope we'll with being indoors to much, something else to consider too perhaps?

Oh and in terms of controlling your rage, earlier advice on walking away is good. Ignoring my dd's tantrums has worked well for us (but may not work so well for boys), my girls don't like being ignored !

Disclaimer: I don't always practise what I preach :) .

(Sympathies...!) Why not try giving him an extra day or half-day at the CM? At least for a little while. You need the respite. And while he is with the CM, do not plan to do anything extra - just rest! Go back to bed, whatever. You could try it for a couple of weeks initially ? if it does make him worse then you can stop, but the chances are it wont make things any worse and when you feel more rested then things may get better?

Is his hearing okay? I mean you say selective hearing but have you had his ears checked?
Does he snore?
Is he on a veggie diet?

Misty - thank you for taking the time to share these tips. I did actually have to shut myself in the kitchen last night after dinner for 20 minutes whilst he rampaged outside, screaming and kicking the door. He had hit me after dinner so I said he couldn't have a pudding. I held out but it was so demeaning, really, having to shut yourself away from your own child because you think you might lose it. But better that than the scary alternative.

I like the counting backwards bit in 7's, that will really help. And tonight I will have a glass (or three) of wine once he is in bed.

He is wanting to be massively independent at the moment, especially around dressing and undressing. He had quite a tantrum about his [pajamas at bed time, but we got there, and once he was in bed he did stay there, and only woke once at 1.30am to go to the loo. Awake at 5am though!

Porridge thank you to you too. We have done everything we can in terms of the early waking - he generally goes 10 hours at night now, from 6.45/7pm until 5am. From where we were even a few months ago (plus the big boy bed change), this is a huge result. But I may try the gro-clock now that he is old enough to understand it! I like the marble thing, too. We do a stickers on a poster in his bedroom in the morning if he has a good sleep (ie, not being naughty at bed time) - 3 sleeps - a sticker which = a new toy. He got this quite quickly!

Fresh air is not a problem - we live on the coast and he gets it in spades. I would also go nuts if I didn't get out and run around!

Klein - I am going to take a day off work next Weds, put DS in to the CM and just go home and lie down. Knowing I've got that to look forward to will give me a positive focus.

Creature - yes, he can hear fine (he can hear when it's dinner time. or I'm offering a treat!). He doesn't snore and he's not on a veggie diet, but as a family we don't often eat meat (and I don't at all), just fish.

Thanks again everyone; just having someone listen and offer advice (normal nonjudgmental advice!) has really helped.

xxxx

Have a think about his iron levels. If he's not getting meat, where is he getting iron from?

Creature - lentils, chickpeas (DS will eat hummus for ever if I let him), cereal, dried figs, raisins and apricots...he really is getting tons.

TBH he's not a big meat eater. We were at a BBQ recently and he removed the burgers and hot dogs from their buns and just ate the bread!

I second a gro clock as a possibility. When I was little I had a 'special alarm' that told me when I could leave my room - I was also up for the day at 5 am (combined with never really sleeping more than 5-6 hours at most - I have never needed much sleep).

Just wanted to say that we have ALL, at one point or another, had the red mist response to our kids. I pushed my tiny child so hard she fell over and hit her head once. I still feel terrible about it but she really pressed all of my buttons. We are good parents but only human. Losing it sometimes is normal. Seeking to be better and more patient is admirable.

Kiwiinkits thank you.

It's very true, we are all only human. As Mums we are (wrongly) supposed to have a bottomless well of patience and benign calm towards our kids. Well, guess what. Occasionally, due to external stress (work, relationships, illness, chronic and pro-linger sleep deprivation), we don't do the right thing.

I've often (half) joked that if this was a job, I'd have quit. 14 hour days with no break are a form of torture (and no wages!).

But thanks to the advice and non-judgmental replies here I have already seen a difference in how I was with DS yesterday. Bedtime is still stressful but I just keep breathing, and remain calm.

If only you could buy a bottle a patience in the supermarket!!

Just a thought. Are there other children at the CM's? Is he getting enough stimulation? How does he behave with the CM? Would a nursery be an option????

When will he be due to start his pre-school nursery place? I think the structure that nursery offers can help kids understand that hitting, spitting etc is not acceptable. Yes it may a mums job to discipline our children, but its good for them to hear the same chat off of other adults.

Ive heard lots of good thing about gro clocks....could be worth a try for your early riser.

Sleep sleep sleep is the key. Can you get one full night sleep a week? Can you move closer to DP's work?

Just read over my post, my god ive asked a lot of questions!

I really feel for you. My DS is 3 1/2 and still wakes 2 or 3 times a night. Every so often once a month he will sleep through from being so exhausted. Not getting enough sleep makes it very difficult to function.

DS has sleep overs once a month at my sisters too so we can catch up on sleep otherwise I would lose the plot. (Strangely he sleeps through there!). Are you able to do that with a family member?

We have tried the following (none of which has worked for us but might for you): GroClock; cranial osteopath, homeopathic treatment, ignoring, putting back to bed endless times in the night, wearing him out in the garden, kiddy hypnotherapy sleep CD!

Forgot to add that we do the sticker chart thing and also bribery and corruption with a wanted toy or treat (this doesn't work either!).

Hi Shark I feel your pain! I have 3 DSs, ages 6, 3 and 5 months. They're lovely and (mostly) great company but the older two are definitely "spirited". Like your DS they're very articulate, lively, opinionated and stubborn. We also don't eat meat, only fish and they have limited sweets etc. I promise you that it gets easier: my 6 year old is still a challenge at times but certainly easier than the 3 year old. I have it all to look forward to again with the baby .
Here are a few things that have helped us (some have already been suggested by other posters)

• Our local children's centre runs a "Raising Boys" course - this was brilliant and I learned loads. Maybe you could see if there's something similar near you?
• Eskimo Kids Omega 3, 6 & 9 fish oils seem to improve their concentration and ability to listen (even though they have oily fish 2 x weekly)
• The Gro Clock has been fantastic! Can't recommend enough!
• (I'm sure you already do this) A set in stone, rigid bedtime routine. This really really worked for all 3 of ours.
• Is he getting enough mental stimulation? My 3 year old is not due to start preschool until September. I don't know if he's academically bright or anything but he's very articulate and stubborn confident: he goes to nursery twice a week and they've decided to put him in some of their preschool sessions as (their words) he needs the 'challenge'. This does seem to have helped and certainly there was a big improvement in the 6 year old when he started school. Does he like jigsaws etc?
• Wine. This is essential. (For me)

There's a book which is often spoken about on here that I'm going to buy, it's called (something like) "How to Talk to your Child so that your Child Listens" - I'm sure that someone will know the correct title! Definitely agree that you should have a day to yourself regularly! It's really important. Best of luck Shark.

shark you need to sleep. I would prioritise getting sleep over everything else. In your position I would be in bed with the light out by 9pm, and I definitely wouldn't have any wine at all. It's really easy to feel that you can't manage when you're very tired.

"How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" is a good book. I also got a few ideas from this raising sons book

How does he behave at cm and have you discussed with her?

Do you let your anger out in manageable pieces?
I find that if I keep it together and don't let anything out, I can blow over the smallest thing. I try now to tell them when I am getting annoyed and it's beginning to get to me, rather than keeping it all in and then just losing it.
Also do not ever underestimate the effect of no sleep. It is like living in the twilight zone, so be kind to yourself, think it would be a good idea to have a bit of time away from him, so yes to cm one morning so you can think your own thoughts, if it makes it easier say to yourself that you ae doing it for him - you will have more patience when he is around, it is easier to meet your dc's needs if at least some of your needs are being met.

Think you are doing the right thing by hiding when he is hitting you.
Talk to him about it when you are both calm, and explain to him why you are doing it.

Best of british