Controlling my rage: I'm not winning the battle.

[SharkSkinThing]

Please help me, because I am feeling terribly low and concerned about my feelings of aggression towards my DS.

My DS is nearly 3. He's sweet, and kind, and super-bright. But he is also very, very militant, has selective hearing and is hard work in terms of sleep.

He has only just started going through the night, and even this is irregular, and he wakes very, very early (between 4.15am and 4.50am), and it took me almost 2 weeks to get him settled in to his big boys bed. Last night ago it took me 45 minutes and 70+ (I am not joking) returns to his bed before he stayed there. I have seen a sleep specialist, followed her advice to the letter, read every book and asked anyone and everyone what we could do.

I feel like I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. Just when I feel like we are turning a corner, he regresses. He had a major running off phase which we had got on top of, only for him to dash out of the swimming pool centre last week into a car park. A FUCKING CAR PARK! He was gone before I could catch him. We have had hitting, biting, spitting and throwing.

I know all of this is normal toddler stuff, and all in all I can keep calm enough to deal with him, though occasionally lose it and shout at it him so loudly he flinches. I have posted on here before about this and got some great advice.

But the other morning I lost it. He went to bed fine, but then work twice in the night, and then for good at 4.50am. He came in for a cuddle which in minutes turned into him hitting me. I leave the bed, and go somewhere else, but he followed me, still hitting me.

I went into his room, closed the door, sat down and cried. He followed me in, hit me again, I asked him to leave me, he continues. And I pushed him. Hard. So hard he hit the floor.

I am not proud of this. I have never, ever hit him, but I pushed him before I had even had a chance to take myself out of the situation, and this scares me. It was like a red mist.

I don't want him to think my behavior is OK. I don't want to have these thoughts about wanting to hurt him in order to make him understand how cross he makes me. I don't want this to happen again.

Has anyone else experienced this, and does anyone have any advice on how to manage this feeling of rage, before it gets out of control?

xx

I agree with basking seals. my dc are older now, but I know that I have potential anger issues. I have tried really really hard to curb this, and find that I am in a good place now.
recognising it in yourself, and communicating it to your child will help - it helps me acknowledge that I am getting close to the edge. I also concentrate on speaking very slowly and calmly: I suppose I almost see it as a challenge to see how 'calm' I can sound!
and moving away is vital. make sure he is safe, and take yourself off to another room. I know that I become abit 'terrier-like' when i'm getting angry: I find that I keep wanting to revisit the issue with the dc & don't want to let it drop. recognising that, and physically moving away helps me loads.

Would it be worth making his bedtime a little later to try and get a later wake up in the mornings?
I'd let him watch a calm DVD before bedtime routine so that you get a 30 min chill then, ideally that's your wine time!

I think you need to access some behavioural support which you could ask your HV for a referral for. Fi agree with others this sounds more intense than terrible twos. I don't know of any child (and I have a 3 year old with lots of 3 year old chums) who is hitting to this degree. I am not being judgey, just v honest.

What sounds v positive is the reward system and how well he has responded. I would think about expanding this approach and getting v zero tolerance about the hitting.

What Daugheroughter just said. Our CM is amazing, but sadly so amazing that when I ask her "how do you deal with x,y,z?" it turns out he never does those things with her. Grrr.
If he enjoys being at the CM and you want to do an extra day at work, don't feel guilty about it. Looking after toddlers is a very particular skill and vocation, it's ridiculous that we assume that everybody can /should / should enjoy doing it any more than we would imagine we could all be neurophysicistfirefighters.
My son is too small for any attempt at using language to get through problems but I find it helpful, for myself, that if I'm going to yell I shout something like "You are making Mummy very cross / Mummy is very angry / Mummy doesn't like it when you do x" rather than just "AAAAAAAAARGGH!"
Good luck. It's awful but it will pass.
p.s. I hate when those lovely little kisses turn into being hit in the face - it's a double slap in the face, if you'll pardon the pun.

Hello, thanks for so many thoughtful and kind replies. Sorry for the delay in getting back, but I was catching up with work over the weekend!

I really appreciate all of you taking time to offer this advice, it means a lot to me.

On the CM/nursery issue - this has crossed my mind, too.His CM is amazing - very outdoorsy, lots of projects around nature, walking, and she does tons and tons of stuff with him, such as cooking and craft. She has a son who is the same age, and there are other kids there too, so he gets plenty of one-to-one but is also part of a group. She is very communicative in what she's working on with him, and she has done lots to instill in him how important it is for him to 'look after' Mummy and 'do lots of good sleeping.' Really, she's a goddess! I've lost count of the amount of times I've cried on her doorstep!

He starts pre-school in September - and he is very ready! If he settles in well on two days a week then I'll increase it to three as I def have the urge to increase my hours at work and go for a promotion.

My own anger has been better over the last few days - the pushing was a big wake-up call, and just being able to admit to it has really helped, along with everyone's advice.

Sleep is a bugger, but I think he just is who he is. He was flat out at 6.45pm last night and went through until 5.30am, so there are days when he's doing great. I also go to bed by 9pm pretty much every night, and on the whole I can hold it together.

I don't have family nearby who can help, but I have booked some time off work this month, a few days spread out, so I can spend some time relaxing and just pottering. It will really help.

I have read both of those books that several of you have mentioned, and a few bits were really useful.

It's a beautiful day here on the Sussex coast, so it's off to the beach for a big treasure hunt, a splash and an ice-cream.

Take acre everyone. xxx

If u look at the fedup.com.au website check out annatto additive (yellow) and preservatives in bread etc.. U sound like u r eating very healthy but easy to miss these things too.. Ive often wondered this with my ds, he is very impatient and gets overstimulated so easily i know most of it is temperament but even if we can temper them a little bit so EVERY mealtime isnt a battle every sleep nap time isnt a battle etc would make such a difference!

Timeout for u is very important, impossible i know but u have to make it happen, esp if u r working, there is no way I could work being so sleep deprived, im way too incoherent, which then also affects ur self esteem.

My dp gave me an ipad which i love now he resents me having one cos he thinks im always bludging doing nothing checking out ebay all day. Lol...But it has been my rescue remedy! I got really run down with shingles was very debilitating and DS at the time was struggling with sleep day and nite. It made me very conscious of looking after myself if i was going to be able to look after DS, and lets face it noone else can do a better job but mummy! So now i dont give a stuff if i need rest i rest if nothing gets done so be it. If i can get one chore done each day thats fine any more is a bonus and i dont feel guilty because i know over time i,ll regain that control over my life again (i hope!!) its more important to do whatever it takes to be centred and relaxed as much as humanly possible so i can cope with life and with my darling spirited little man.

Anyway im rambling becos im tired lol, good to read everyones advice, always useful for now or future reference!

My son is a lot younger than yours, and isn't so violent, but the other day when I found myself getting really angry with him, I just picked him up and cuddled him until I calmed down, then went back to what we were doing. It surprised me how well it worked to defuse the situation. DS stopped winding me up and I stopped wanting to throttle him!

Don't know if this approach would help you, but it helped me, and I will certainly be trying it again.

Ok - so I am going to type something that might sound blaming and it's really not meant to me but it is my experience and I know that I have subsequently discussed with girlfriends who agree.

When DS was small and "challenging" on occasion - although not to the degree you have described, I really struggled. Then I went back to work and got promoted etc, my DH is a sahd. I now know I am a good Mum, I love spending time with ds and he me, I am a better mum working than I was ft at home. Sme people are good at home mum, some work Mum, some both. All are hard, hard, roles - I am sure you are the best Mum you can be, it certainly seems like it form this thread. Childminders are professionals at this job, my DH is a pro, don't beat yourself up keep being the best mum you can be - look forward to pre-school, plan your promotion in your head and keep taking him to the childminder.

This will pass - good luck

Just been reading this thread and feel for you. I would definately second the gro clock. Mine were both early wakers and it was a phase that went on for months and months. Being sleep deprived for a long time is awful. With the clock, we would set it to 'wake up' at 4.45am initially, which about the time he was waking, so he didn't have long to wait.. If he stayed in his bed till the clock woke up he would get a small pressie (wrapped up, more exciting!)..every so often we would move the clock on 10 minutes..keep up with the presents each time he 'waits for the sun' as this is the incentive (although we were sometimes scrabbling around the house at 5.30am looking for a 'present'!). It takes a couple of weeks but slowly, waking time became more like 5am, then 5.30, then 5.45 then 6am, which seemed like a lie-in! They both sleep till 7 now so there is light at the end of the tunnel.

You sound like a great mum, by the way.

Firstly it's good that you are coming on here and acknowledging the issue. 3 years sleep deprivation takes its toll.

The first thing I'd do is get the sleep thing sorted, there's a great article here, www.handinhandparenting.org/news/49/64/Helping-Young-Children-Sleep
And everything on that website is useful in terms of dealing with behavior and managing your own emotions.
Here's an article that might also help with the anger www.handinhandparenting.org/news/211/64/Crazy-Mad-What-to-Do-When-Your-Kids-Push-You-Over-the-Edge

It might be helpful to think/talk/write about how anger was expressed in your childhood. Almost always the roots of our own parenting difficulties lie in our own childhood and how we wee treated, just spending some time reflecting on this is a powerful way to make things different for our own children.

Hello everyone.

I'm sorry it's taken me a bit longer than usual to reply, but it's been so busy around here that I just haven't had a chance. I hate it when OP's get tons of great advice (as I have) and then just bugger off!

So - some good, no, amazing news. Since I posted on here over a week ago things have been a million times better. I have kept my rage in check (that counting trick is a gem), and I'm not saying we're though it yet, but things are def much calmer.

DS is still hard work, but he seems to have mellowed a bit, too, so I guess he was picking up on my stress signals, somewhere too.

Sleep is also getting better.We've had two 5.30am's and a 5.45am this week! Ok, so he woke at 4am for a wee this morning - but he went back to bed! Didn't go back to sleep, but at least he did what I said and was very compliant. Perhaps we are making progress.

So thanks so much again to all of you for your thoughtful, honest, supportive and kind replies. Each one has really helped, and I've taken a bit of each to help me get through it. I can honestly say for the first time in long time, I am actually enjoying spending time with my son.

xxxx

I just wanted to add that it's not just your sleep that is important [which it absolutely is] but also his and that could explain some of the worst of his behaviour. My DD1 is also 3 and I find it a really difficult age with sleep as she's not taking a day time nap anymore but can't really last all day. She's ready for a sleep at about 4pm, but that's far too late for her to sleep as then she wouldn't sleep in the evening. For me this is just a transition time as I can't see how I can fix her need for more sleep. We just have to wait for her to not need a 4pm nap. It won't last forver. In the meantime I cut her some slack and myself too.

Also, he's exercising his need for control. So give him as many choices as you can. Just pick a couple of no no behaviours, eg hitting, so youre not in a constant battle. Be utterly consistent about that. So he has a consequence, which he knows in advance and is immediate, such as naughty step or whatever. Then let the other stuff go and refuse to get in a power struggle over it. He wants you to engage in a power struggle with him. I would take yourself off if he's trying to engage you in a power struggle over what to wear for exaample. The behaviours youve decided not to fight. But don't take yourself off for the behaviour you are going to get on top of, eg hitting.

Growing - thank you. you are so right. The nap thing is a big one for us - don;t want him to have one, but it's a long day for him too. Cutting slack is an excellent term.

I wish he would sleep 12 hours a night, but he doesn't. I'm sure people think I encourage it, but it's utterly soul-destroying to have tried every technique in the book/from a sleep specialist and still he only sleeps 10. I am sure there are people here who would kill for that.

We had a perfect example of this this morning, when he woke at 5am, wouldn't go back to sleep, and then just shouted and screamed about wanting a toy, and when I said no, he gets a toy for two good sleeps, today he gets a sticker and a squeezy yoghurt, he hit me. Hard. So I instantly removed the yoghurt (he has it whilst we read a story and have a coffee!) and he went mental. Hitting the door, kicking, throwing stuff down the stairs. I am counting back from 100 in 7's in my head, but I stood firm. Ten minutes later it was all over.

I let most stuff go as you suggest, I can't lock horns on it all. And as you say, it won't be forever. But at 4.30am it sure feels like a hellish eternity!

xxx

So glad things are feeling better, and pleased that the counting thing is helping must take my own advice . Hurting me is a real snapping point for me with ds, so I can imagine how much resolve that took not to react today! He's pushing boundaries, and will feel so much more secure and safe when he finds they're there - even though he mightn't like them!

As for the early mornings, I would struggle massively if ds chose 5am as wake up time (we're lucky with the lazy bugger as he wakes closer to 8am...sorry) so don't have many suggestions for that one... Would leaving him to play quietly be an option? Hopefully the gro clock will help.

I believe our own state of mind can make a huge difference, so definitely important to look after yourself and sounds like you're doing really well (hope this doesn't come across as patronising!).

Onwards and upwards! With frequent setbacks and 'learning experiences' to be expected of course