Dinnertime and my ridiculously fussy 4 yr old DS

[Behindthecandelabra]

Just after a bit of advice really. My 4 yo DS has been gradually reducing the things he will eat at dinnertime over the last couple of months and now it's literally either pasta with green pesto or fish fingers. He won't eat chips and he refuses any sort of veg. Whatever I put in front of him, he says "I didn't want that...." and cue shouting/screaming/crying. etc very tedious & frustrating.
I'm trying to be light hearted about this post and I know that a million MNers have posted similar problems before but to be honest it's driving me fekkin mad.
All I'm after is some practical advice as to what to do. I know I need to not make a big deal of it, not pressure him into eating, don't compare him with his 15 month old brother who eats anything blah blah....
BUT what should I actually DO? Do I only give him what I know he will eat? Do I carry on & cook what I want just for him to refuse it and me to chuck it in the bin? Or do I offer him what we all eat and then give him an alternative ie cereal/toast that I know he'll eat? What should I do for the best?? And will this sodding phase be over soon as I'm slowly beginning to lose it??

This is against all advice but sometimes letting them watch tv while eating takes the pressure off a bit. Mine have been known to eat all sorts of veg without noticing doing this!

I used to mash veg together with mashed potato. You can hide all sorts of vitamins that way, and the girls used to like having different colour mash every day.

Ketchup

Cocktail sticks in veggies/fruit - mine will eat anything off a cocktail stick that they wouldn't touch with a fork.

To save my sanity, I do a lot of serving dishes at the table and letting the DC help themselves. All sauces separate as well so they can add their own. DC1 has ASD and some unconventional ideas about food combining that were an issue at 4 when he couldn't explain them to me - if he serves himself, he will eat the same amount but in the right order. So chicken first because he likes it, then carrots with peas (once the chicken has gone in case they are watery), then potatoes with gravy (no cross contamination of gravy and veg).

We also go through a lot of plates- so 1 plate for each meal component. Gives an element of control.

And a lot of hidden veg in sauces. The grater attachment on my food mixer is v useful.

You could be talking about my 3.5 year old DD. I have posted my frustration about her eating (or lack of it) on here over the last 18 months. Fishfingers and pasta/pesto are her two main meals. She has gradually refused all others. Advice I have been given is that she is what is termed a 'resistant eater' and that my responsibility is to provide a healthy meal three times a day,but it is up to her how much (if any) of that she eats. The meal I offer should contain at least one thing that I know she likes and a new thing either next to it, or on a separate plate. It could take up to 10 offerings before they will try the new thing. Do not withhold puddings (mine will only eat yogurt). Also let them try anything - even if its only pizza or 'junk' food. The trick is to get them happy to try new things, and then work on the quality once they've overcome the resistance. I'm sorry to say that I have had little success but plod on in the absence of any other advice. On the positive side lots of very kind people on here have shared the horror stories and it seems that they WILL eventually grow out of it - even if its not til their teens...

1607441-resistant-eater-support-thread-come-and-join-me This is the thread you need!

Could write this about my DS. Since he was weaned and started feeding himself he has always used all fruit and veg as something to play with-certainly not to eat as they are devils food :(

Also won't do the sauce on stuff etc so I just pop it on the side and encourage him to dip! Also encourage him to have one bite of something he wouldn't normally eat with big praise if he does and noncommittal when not.

Currently proudest mummy in the world as he WILL EAT BROCCOLI! Not so fond of the fact that we now have to have it with every meal...

Also in a bid to boost fruit intake he does drink smoothies and juice though I worry about his teeth, but figure that some vitamins are better than none & we brush teeth lots!

We go for giving our DS at least something he'll eat. So if we're having chicken, he'll have fish fingers. If we're having pasta, he'll have it without the sauce. We always put veg on his plate but he doesn't usually eat it. I did once see him eat a pea!
We eat a lot of curry as he eats that.
If he screams that he doesn't want his dinner, we simply say that that's fine, but he has to sit at the table while we eat. More often than not he'll then eat his dinner, or at least some of it. He always gets yoghurt afterwards.
We give him a multivitamin to take some of the worry away.

Ds5 is very fussy. I find if we make a pudding together it can be anything from fruit salad (which is apparently ok if we make it together) to custard etc. He gets some once he's eaten his dinner. Start with giving him what he likes and put a bit of something extra on the side. He must eat the extra if he wants the delicious pudding. Gradually increase the amount of the strange food over weeks and months.

It works sometimes but not always. You must be firm that I'd he doesn't eat it he gets no pudding and this is never changed otherwise it will never work!

My ds will now only eat broccoli quiche, fish fingers, jacket potatoes, baked beans, peas, sweet corn, carrots, waffles and homemade pizza as an evening meal. It is very very very restrictive. It drives me mad.
Basically he eats:
Quiche and jacket potato and veg
Fish fingers and beans and waffles
Quiche and waffles and beans
Fish fingers jacket potato and veg
There are only so many combinations I can do!

He is nearly 4. Argh. Don't know what he'll do at school. He used to eat really well. Now I find if he doesn't eat something every couple of days when it is represented to him he refuses it.
Won't eat any fruit accept bananas and apples. Won't eat any salad type foods at all. Won't eat pasta. Won't eat eggs. Will drink milk so I guess that's something!

Thanks for the advice and Constant, thank you for the link. It makes interesting reading and as always, it's a relief to find others in the same boat and reassuring that some have reported that it can get better as they get older. There are plenty of hints and tips I can try too.
I do believe that things have changed ENORMOUSLY since ds2 was born and ds1 has struggled with so many things.....if I'm honest, the eating issue is actually the least of our problems but something that I feel ready to tackle. Just.
The tantrums, aggression, not doing as he's told, refusing to do anything on his own (getting dressed, going to the toilet, getting in the car, playing with toys) etc etc etc are also on the list....
One thing at a time

I feel your pain. DD is in some ways the easiest child but is ridiculously stubborn about eating, going to the toilet (or NOT - still only poos in a pull up at night), what she will wear and is insistent that she is not a girl but a chicken .... . Hoping all the above will pass!

I hope you don't mind my intruding on this thread...I also felt your pain; albeit a few years ago now (ConstantCraving, identifying in particular with the #2 issue on the youngest one...what's that all about?)

I now have a thriving 20 yr old and 16 yr old who both have dietary 'quirks' despite having been weaned off fresh veg etc. but their palate's develop month on month now.

They now request green juice and protein (knowing the benefits for their personal goals).

Personally, I did some research and realised that I just had to relax and go with it. They all get there eventually...

I truly hope you can find some peace and just relax into it.

Thanks 2Retts. I know that is all I can do.... but its hard. Good to know they move through it. TBH the poo thing stresses me more than the food - but I'm trying not to let it show.

It really is so difficult not to stress when you're in it ConstantCraving and I wish I could say something more helpful...remembering being at a packed beach with the youngest when just shy of 3 years and the embarrassment as she screamed bloody murder when I presented her with a potty after two days of resistance...I eventually conceded and just let her do it in her time. I can only offer empathy.

Yep am with you all the way. My DS is 3.9 and eats fish fingers or peanut butter with a side of apple for main meals, sometimes will have chips with it, no potato. Sometimes eats banana. Will eat toast + honey and cereal, lots of cereal and yoghurt.... For his packed lunch at nursery I do a cracker with marmite plus a honey sandwich.

He is definitely food phobic in some way. If the fish starts to appear too much out the side of the breadcrumb on the fish finger, he says it's 'dirty' and won't eat it. Ditto if the apple has any imperfection or brown tinge about it.

The HV said to start slowly with getting him to allow untried foods on to his plate with no pressure to eat. Also advised a multi-vitamin. The GP on the other hand, said that he should be served the same meals as everyone else and should be given school dinners when he goes to school in September

Behindthecandelabra. I have a 6 yr old DS who has been exactly the same as yours about food, for a very long time.
I let him eat what he wants and I negotiate a bit here and there - a few slices of apple or all of his broccoli if he wants a pudding. Not every day, just when I notice the fruit / veg quota has been low.
He is slowing accepting more foods, but nothing that looks mixed up - His sister is practically a mini Keith Floyd (minus the booze) by comparison.

peanutbutter the GP does not know what he/she is talking about and doesn't obviously have a super fussy eater.

My 5 year old has got a lot better since starting school but is still very limited in his diet. This time last year, he was eating 6 different things. He has been like that since weaning - really strong likes and incredibly strong dislikes (most foods). He is now eating 15 things, some reluctantly but at least he is trying a few new foods now.

He is always going to be a poor eater compared to other children but the best thing is not to compare.

A multivitamin really does work to increase their appetite. That's what we found. We get the sweet chewable gummy bear type ones, which DS loves.

Also, if their diet is that restrictive, let them eat whatever they want. The main thing is that they need to enjoy their food. I know it goes against the grain but it's something that worked for us and he gets to choose puddings. He used to choose yogurt all the time but now he chooses ice cream or Cheerios or strawberries. He decides and gets to be in control. Also try to tweak things slightly eg get a different brand of fish fingers in or a different fish in the fish finger.

constantcraving at your chicken.

I have the same problem with DS 3.8 refuses potty/toilet/pants and only eats a few different hot meals (even them inconsistently). Only pasta with pesto/plain unlumpy tomato sauce, Little dish chicken pie and chips and fish fingers (well actually doesn't eat the fish fingers anymore ).

Luckily he will eat some raw veg (only a few bites, so not enough though) and fruit, but am worried that he is low on protein and iron.. He is also very headstrong and will not be persuaded to eat by peer pressure. I BLWd him with lots of stuff and had great designs for his culinary future, but he gradually stopped accepting stuff. I now use telly as distraction and let him get on with his meals on his own most of the time. That way I don't get emotionally involved in what he is eating and how much. Previously was trying to bribe him to eat his veg or whatever with a promise of pudding. Now I tend to say that there is nothing else available at the moment, so either eat what he is given (I always give him something I know he definitely should like and has eaten before) or there isn't anything else for the next hour or two. If he is still hungry then, I will give him a snack just because he gets extremely grumpy when his sugars are low and I have a hard enough time watching my temper anyway!

Very embarrassing when we go and stay with my BIL's house where DS's 3 cousins will sit at the table for fairly long periods of time to finish a variety of adult type meals (think pasta bakes drowning in sauce and with big chunky bits of veg like courgette), whereas DS will take one (bemused) look at the food and won't even sit at the table. I then try and make him and he might have some bread, but will ask to get down way before everyone else again. Makes me feel like a right failure and a shit parent. But I guess food is just fuel for him and he can take it or leave it if it's not what he'd like to have. He will survive on very little for days if not presented with anything acceptable and be a right grumpy devil.

DS is usually either a cat or (more recently now) a piglet or a little bird. I did get him to eat seeds a few times while he was pretending to be a bird!

I genuinely believe that kids eat what they need. BUT they pick up very quickly when it stresses their parents. (been there done that!)

I now care for my niece and nephew. DNeph is a horror with food. PFB etc. DNiec is a hoover.

having had a hideous time with picky ds who took forever to eat...driving me insane with fury/anxiety

DNeph get total indifference from from me. Dont want it fine. Dont eat it. Its on the plate? dont care, don't eat it.

But what I do do with him is involve him in cooking every meal.

That really helps. "see what XXX cooked today?"

Dneph is a grazer. Dneice is a scoffer.

Dneph is a stressy bunny. Dniece is not.

My general rule is to give em sommut he like with summat he aint sure about and to just shrug if he doesnt want it.

Its not too hard to mix it all up for them both.
Irs hard when its your child.

Its not hard when they are not.

This is the lesson I have learnt.

And I do have a ds with serious sensory issues re food!

I just cook him what he like with stuff extra. I have learnt he eats a whole lot more at school! as long as I cover cars/protien and veg I am happyl.

Also, always remember, an small childs portion is three of their handfuls...often a huge amount less tha we serve them.

last tip, I promise Dont serve up a plate full of food. put food in serving bowls with spoons and allow them to serve themselves.

I also find small kids love stuff like being given cheese and a grater to grate over their food. yes, it messy, but hey.

I remember well the day dd pushed her plate across the table slamming it into the curtains sauce and all with a defiant 'i didn't want this!' frustrating as at 3 she'd eat anything. It was at 4ish that she was worst. I didn't change our food and offered no alternatives as i knew her problem was control not food. I played it cooler than i felt and told her if she'd finished that was fine but no food til morning and she'd have to go and play in her room while we ate (knowing that she hates missing out). A couple of empty tummies at night helped long run. At 5 i am still working on veg as her friends at school refuse them and she copies well. Luckily has always loved peas and salad. She now loves eating buffet style (the control thing again) one of her faves is jacket potato and being able to choose fillings and salads.
With the poo thing ds would only do it in a pull up for ages, said he hated the toilet as it splashed back up at his bottom. Poo presents worked for us - matchbox style cars (but cheaper version) wrapped up in gift wrap - persuaded him to go on the potty. Provided it was in a dark and private place!

DD seems to be able to exist on thin air so will go to bed having not eaten if allowed - she just doesn't seem to need food. Weird as DH and I love it and my DS used to hoover up anything I offered him.

With the poo I've tried bribery - there is a sylvanian family set she is keen on that I have promised to buy when she poos on the loo, and she talks about it a lot, but always says 'I will try tomorrow...' She won't go in the potty as the poo looks 'too brown' - think its just to visible and freaks her out, and she's not that comfy sitting on the loo even with her seat. Will keep persevering and trying to stay calm.

Can I join in this thread as having a nightmare with 4 yo ds at the moment! He will hardly eat anything we would normally eat (curry and rice/pasta/potatoes) and it is almost impossible to get him to sit at the table and eat himself. He still wants to be spoonfed and if we refuse to do so he just won't eat at all. He also climbs up to the cupboards to find biscuits in between meals

It's all v stressful especially as I have a 4m old dd(his eating habits started over a year ago so not related)

How do we stop the spoon feeding??

Tbh, my five year old likes to be spoon fed so can't help you there, silversixpence. I just go with the flow. It happens less now and, of course, he can feed himself but it makes him feel safe and loved I guess. Well, that's what I tell myself. It tends to happen more when he is feeling tired.

Sometimes, as a compromise I will put it on his fork and he feeds himself.

Try to adopt a couldn't care less attitude re:fussiness and the spoon feeding thing (as all things) is just a phase.

Oh, and hide the biscuits somewhere else