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Original poster

2omonth DS is driving me nuts>>>.Am i a bad parent?

43 replies

charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 17:33

Now this is gonna sound horrible, but im sure my ds hates me. She constantly winges, more so when her dad is around as he pampers to her every whim. Makes it harder for me when hes not around.

I cant give her the attention shes used too cos of DS but i do try.

Often i end up putting her in her cot cos her winging winds me up so much that i feel like im gonna snap. Which i did this morning, just eneded up shouting at her which i never do.

When i go back to her after a few mins shes fine, but i dont want to be a horrible mum who threatens her with the cot.

Im so miserable today, dont think i can do this anymore. I havnt got enough of me to go round

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Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 17:34

i really need a hug but dont think dp thinks im any good either

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mands1 · 01/02/2004 17:44

Sorry Charlie to hear its a bad day. Know the feeling though. I've spent most of the day trying to "hold it together". I've now put my ds also 20mth to bed. He's up there now screaming his head off. I just feel like something is going to snap.
Not much help sorry just read your post and was kind of comforting to know that I am not the only one feeling this way.
Good-luck

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 17:46

thanx mands. Shes fallen asleep now and its like a wieght has been lifted. Feel so guilty now, Have had a good cry and feel a little better.

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Lisa78 · 01/02/2004 17:54

normal normal normal!
At least if you two are bad mummies, that makes three of us!

marthamoo · 01/02/2004 18:02

Four!

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 18:17

Gos shes woken and is crying. Its like an instant switch in my head that puts me on tense mode! Cant leave her or she will puke. Sure she does that on purpose too

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Carla · 01/02/2004 18:22

charlieplus3, I can remember feeling like this with dd1. I used to hand her over to DH, go into the dining room, close the door - and look at photographs of her!

Don't worry, you're not alone and if you were a bad parent you wouldn't be worrying about it!

aloha · 01/02/2004 18:58

Charlieplus3, I don't know if this will help but it is IMPOSSIBLE for your baby to hate you or for her do to anything to deliberately upset you. A baby's brain is pretty undeveloped and they cannot begin to understand that you are a separate person with different thoughts to her, let alone think up cunning ways to control/upset you. It's like saying, the goldsfish does X or Y to get at you. Impossible. She is, however, programmed to be fiercely attached to you and dependant on you. There is no point in threatening her - she is far, far too young to understand. Do you feel like this most of the time or just once in a while? You may have post natal depression. It's very common and can cause feelings like this. Obviously, it's normal to get frustrated with a new baby, but constantly feeling like this means that either you need more help - ie a nursery or childcare for your older child, a relative/friend/student who can help you with day to day stuff or you may need some treatment.

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 18:59

i know shes a sweetie really, photos is a good idea. Everything seems so bad somedays though, sure will be ok in the morn.

Photos is a good idea, will remind me what a sweetie she is.

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Lisa78 · 01/02/2004 19:07

I know exactly what you mean Charlie, I'm having a struggle with b/f DS2 at the mo and keep thinking I'm sure he doesn't care that he is hurting me. Course he doesn't, he doesn't have a clue, but its hard to bear it in mind when you are thinking if you cry one more time I will cry with you - or like me, a couple of weeks ago, I got so fed up of it I banged my head against the wall in pure temper. God it hurt too!
I plonk him in his chair in front of the tv and go to the bathroom and put the extractor fan on so I can't hear him, for 5 minutes.
I really do think anyone who tells you they never felt like this is either lying or forgetful. Its frighteningly easy to forget how much you love them - and frighteningly easy to understand why some people snap and hurt their babies - when you are at the end of your tether (not suggesting you have done this BTW )
The only way I get thru days like this is to keep reminding myself that its all temporary and no matter how bad this week is, babies grow up! Everything is temporary. And some American president rather cleverly said "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"
Tie that knot Charlie, you are the centre of her universe and in a few short months, that will show in hundreds of ways and you will marvel that you ever felt this way.
Email me off board if you want, we can exchange temper tantrums!

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 19:09

Thanx Aloha. Everything you say makes sense. But i do honestly think she doesnt like me. Everyone thinks i cope so well and always saying how i always manage. Hard to admit that sometimes i just want to walk straight out of the front door, pyjamas and all.

I know it is prob pnd, have suspected for a while but really scared to stand up and say, 'no, im not coping and yes it is bloody hard'. Im usually such a toghether person that these feelings scare me

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Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 19:12

Thanks Lisa, god i should have talked about this earlier. Popsy did suggest but i didnt have guts too.

What i really want to do is go in a room and scream and cry and punch and kick.I know that wil relieve all he stress.

Sorry everyone is having tough time, feel selfish moaning on.

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Lisa78 · 01/02/2004 19:16

I know - I nipped out to the shop last week without baby or anyone else and thought how easy it would be to just keep driving! Course I wouldn't have done it (well not for more than 10 minutes!) but it crossed my mind!
Listen, if you feel like that - do it. Go to your bedroom and go bonkers punching the bed and the pillows, stick your head into the pillow and SCREAM as loud as you can, then have a good cry!

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 19:19

your making me cry, its so nice that everyone is understanding of this.Saw your thread on b/feeding. My ds does that too, its usually cos too much going on in room and is being nosy. Cant go to a quiet room or DD would holler and then my tense switch would pop back on.

Need to snap out of this maulding, is there a bar open yet?

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aloha · 01/02/2004 19:31

Charlieplus3. I'm sorry you feel like this too. I don't think any of us ever felt like we wouldn't go mad with frustration with a small baby. Do please keep repeating, 'she can't hate me, she doesn't know what hate is, she doesn't even realise I'm a separate person to me.' And if you feel like this a lot and truly, genuinely believe she dislikes you, then please see your GP. PND is an illness, it's not your fault and doesn't mean you are a bad mother, but it can need treatment. Take care of yourself, get out of the house whenever you can (I'm a big fan of taking the baby out in the car to a cafe - the journey may get them off to sleep, so you can sit there with baby in the car seat, having coffee, cake and reading the paper and feeling human). Also, there is no shame in asking friends and family for help. It's a tough job.

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 01/02/2004 19:37

i do try and get out most days, but its hard with the two of them. Especially as ds is so demanding. I do know deep down that she must love me, but she gets upset when dp leaves for work and doesnt if i nip out to the gym. So i think thats what set off the not liking me thing. It sort of grew and grew till i believed it.

May go to docs but hate bothering them, plus what would i say.there are people out there with genuine reasons for being depressed. some people cant even have children

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mands1 · 01/02/2004 20:11

Charlie depression is a illness its not a form of self pitty. Regardless of circumstances it happens no-one choses to be depressed like no-one wants the flu. It is also not a weakness going to the doc's to ask for help its a very brave big step to take. Sorry lecture over. Think long and hard how you been feeling and how it is affecting your quality of life. Then make your choice.

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 02/02/2004 10:41

right ive done it. appointment tommorrow at 3.20

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aloha · 02/02/2004 10:56

Good for you! Be honest with your doctor. As mands1 so wisely put it, it's an illness and you don't have to have a good reason for it, just as you don't have to have a reason to get flu.

Blu · 02/02/2004 11:05

CharliePlus3, I have felt exactly like this - and I only have one child to cope with. Although I love my DS to all infinity, I often felt myself boiling inside, silently (usually) screaming 'stop whinging, stop whinging' and I felt ashamed of my reaction and couldn't talk to DP about it. There is so much you can do to anticipate 'trouble spots' and give the attention in advance, to forestall the demand for it. But in the end, I have done something that I NEVER would have seen as 'me', and admitted that i had depression. Within days of seeing my doctor, that 'switch' you descibe has gone. it just isn't there to be switched, and I feel patient and, actually, like ME.

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 02/02/2004 11:29

Blu you have hit the nail on the head. All you say is how i feel. When i woke this morning and my first thought was how was i gonna get through it i realised i would have to stop being so stubborn and admit somethings wrong.

Have not talked to DP about this though. Not ready for that step yet! But will maybe when feeling better.

If i get put on medication will i have to give up b/feeding, which i actually wouldnt mind now as been nearly 5 months and im finding it so draining on top of everything else?

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Original poster
charlieplus3 · 02/02/2004 11:30

Blu also worried about the zombie feelings people describe

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Evita · 02/02/2004 21:01

charlieplus3, depends which medication they give you. Or if you decide to have any. Talking may help you without medication. But there are a few you can take and b/f if you want to. And most of the new ones don't make you feel lethargic, but they can give you upset feeling stomach, headache and a few other things. I took some ages ago before I ever even thought I'd ever be pregnant! But I may need to take something again. DD is 15 months and I'm struggling a bit too.

fimbles · 02/02/2004 22:40

Charlie, u made me laugh on my thread re baby speech, It seems u still have a sence of humour. I feel like u, but i don't consider myself depressed, just fed up with the stresses and strains of motherhood. Its Bloody hard work from morning until night and very often during the night too. I had a rare treat this evening, dd went to bed at 9.10pm, I thought i must be dreaming, this NEVER happens,so I thought I'd brouse on mumsnet. I find that help from friends and family is the best thing for me. I have a VERY difficult dd, winges all day and I go crazy. We all need a break from it!!! I posted a thread on the food section about my hatred in feeding dd, and I felt better. Just chatting on this site is very theraputic. If u feel u need medication then maybe it will help u be more patient with the situation, but I think that most mum's have the same feeling as u. Take care and look after yourself. Let me know how get on.

Original poster
charlieplus3 · 03/02/2004 00:54

ta fimbles. Will let you know how i get on. Am up late crying on the comp. Everyone has it so tough. We need a group hug.

Feel extra shit cos dp sent a text to someone but it came to me. I was called the devil in the text. Really feel like walking out of front door and just walking and walking.

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