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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how can i get her to sleep without breaking my heart?

48 replies

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:15

hello
i have a 14 week dd,shes great but i cant put her to sleep by herself,she liked to be rocked or to stay in her carseat and wakes in her cot.
yesterday at 7,after her bedtime routine i put her in her cot to sleep alone
she cried for 2 hours,then i fed her again and put her,she slept after half an hour
at 4 am she slept alone
but now she is crying and wont have a nap.i dont want to go a step back and rock her but her crying driving me crazy,i cry with her.
i wonder if im being harsh or shes too young to sleep alone

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bluejelly · 22/05/2006 12:17

Hi Jomana
She sounds a bit young for sleep training... my dd couldn't sleep by herself at that age. Have you tried giving her a big feed and then stroking her to sleep?

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:19

ill try now to give her another one in case shes still hungry

OP posts:

bramblina · 22/05/2006 12:19

You are not being harsh, you are trying to teach her something that isn't easy for some. I have no experience of this so I'm not much help but everything has to be learned by babies- it doesn't all come naturally. Persevere (others will advise on cc better than me) as you don't want to be rocking her when she's 8 months, 1 year, toddling etc.
Are you sure she is tired? Not dirty nappy? Not wind? Not hungry? Remember their routines change often. I'm sure it will get better, she will sleep eventually.

tracyk · 22/05/2006 12:20

far too young to even consider doing any sleep training. Agree with bluejelly.
Fill her up with warm milk, nice and snuggly in a dark room and just stroke the side of her head.
Maybe put one of your t shirts in with her for the smell. or we had a nightlight and lullabys - it was activated by the baby crying for more than a couple of seconds.

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:20

books and experts say that i should teach her to sleep alone even that young.
it`s not different than training to crawl or walk
but i cant cope with crying

OP posts:

bramblina · 22/05/2006 12:21

Has she ever fallen asleep on her own lying flat? Try different approaches, leave her on the floor maybe, or your bed, so long as she's safe just try a different approach to teach her gently how to fall asleep. Maybe she neeed some background noise- if you're putting her down in her own room try tuning out a radio close by, or a musical mobile to distract her? Is her room hot/cool enough?

Hoopoe · 22/05/2006 12:21

Will she take a dummy? Or how about a t-shirt that smells of you? Or your pillow case? She might just need something that reminds her of you. Or you could rock her for a little bit until she's nearly asleep and then put her down. A sort of version of pickup / put down. Just keep doing it until she gets weaned off it.

Is it a problem with lying flat do you think? In which case could be reflux.

bluejelly · 22/05/2006 12:23

There is a big difference between 14 weeks and a year Bramblina. Most don't advise CC until babies are 7 to 8 months anyway. Too young to understand before that.... of course you are right that they will sleep eventually but endless crying for both mother and baby can't be good for either can it?

I hope things improve Jomana, have you got a helpful Health visitor?

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:25

well,she has reflux but it`s getting better as she grows.
i like the idea of rocking her a little that is more gentle than leaving her alone from the beginning

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PinkTulips · 22/05/2006 12:25

i did the controlled drying with dd but not til she was a year and could understand object permeanance and understand us explaining that it was time for bed to a certain extent, and wouldn't be as frightened by it.

personnally i think 14 weeks is far too young to leave them completely alone, have you checked the archives for threads on other methods ie, pick up/put down?

my best advice would be to try and let her set her own routines for a while yet, a baby knows best when they're hungry or tired and will settle into a semblance of a routine if allowed to do so. i know the crying can be exhausting but unfortuanately even a happy contented baby cries for an average of 2hours a day so even if you did manage to get her to sleep by herself she'd still be crying about other things, or like my dd just to stretch her lungs!

hope things get better for you soon, the first few months are exhausting but it does get better

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 12:25

I agree she is too young for "training" and babies aren't trained to walk or crawl they do it themselves in their own time

once she is well fed then there is no harm in patting her or singing/humming softly rocking etc

a few minutes crying is normal settling routine more than that she needs your comforting presence

by six months she may be learning to settle more easily

Hoopoe · 22/05/2006 12:25

I think you have to follow your instincts. If your baby's crying is upsetting you and your instinct is to go to her, then I think that's what you should do. Stuff the baby experts - they don't know your baby. I agree that she's far too young for sleep training. Plus this is a need she has now - no reason she'll continue to need it for years. Try different things for putting her to sleep, but I wouldn't leave her to cry.

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:33

my baby wont take a dummy
the health visitor is not very helpful i rarely find her.
my baby has a lovely sleeping routin,but only if i put her in the carseat and rock her for half an hour and leave her there!!!
i feel this will harm her back

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:37

next month im going for a holiday for 2 months and i just wonder how am i going to put her to sleep then? my husband is very cold hearted.he thinks i should leave her to cry. yesterday he didnt even blink when she cried

OP posts:

CappucinoInABadMood · 22/05/2006 12:39

my hv suggested that it was how you put her down to sleep in the day that formed how they slept at night

ie put her down in her cot 'aware and awake' during the day when everything is a bit less fraught and she will get more used to sleeping this way, rather than learning to sleep while being rocked in the pushchair or carseat

easier said than done though. I didn't manage it

blueshoes · 22/05/2006 12:39

jomana, sorry you are having such a hard time. Do try all the things the other posters suggested. But on the controlled crying front, I would hold back until much later. I think 2 hours of crying at this age is not "teaching" anything except waiting for your dd to fall asleep from exhaustion.

Nothing worked for my dd (who followed none of the conventional tips offered by the "experts"). In the end, I either nursed her to sleep or wheeled her to sleep in the buggy and took her into my bed. Whatever works for your baby.

Dd now sleeps great - she still needs a bit of help going down, but then sleeps for 10-11 hours at a time.

There is nothing you need to teach about sleep. Some babies need longer than others to settle into a sleep pattern that requires less input from their parents. Don't worry about the "rod for your back". Rocking etc is something all babies eventually grow out of. I can't say when (my dd took more than a year) but just be patient. Enjoy your dd, and the rocking and the cuddles. This time is short in the grand scheme of things and you will have so many happy memories to look forward to.

PinkTulips · 22/05/2006 12:40

sweetie, you're the mom, no-one else. trust your instincts and rock her to sleep if that what makes both of ye happy. theres nothing like the feeling of a little baby snuggled up in your arms, why deny both of ye that comfort?

books do not know your daughter, don't rely on them to tell you whats best

PinkTulips · 22/05/2006 12:43

i just want to add, it doesn't last for ever, my dd only fell asleep feeding in my arms for the first year, her sleep was all over the place and she was incapable of going to sleep if i was more than a foot away. she's 15 months now and sleeps 7.30 - 8 every night, goes down without a peep by herself every night (she actually enjoys bedtime!), and has a nap most afternoons of a bout an hour or so.

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:48

i picked her up now
the way she looked at me wiyh her puffed eyes and her face full of tears killed me
i think every mums instict says dont leave her to cry id rather listen to other mums than to experts
but i want her to be healthy and perfect
it`s not always the right thing to listen to your heart

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:51

i think ill wait till shes a little older to sleep alone
i`ll just try now and then to put her in her cot

OP posts:

blueshoes · 22/05/2006 12:52

poor jomana, it sounds like a tug-of-war in your heart. Your dd IS healthy and perfect, but in her own way and she will grow up in her own time. I really really believe that at her age, your heart does know best and it is all your dd needs. Go to her.

hunkermonkee · 22/05/2006 12:57

Jomana, please pick her up when she cries. She's only little for such a very short time. There is time to get her into "good habits" but not that long ago she was held 24 hours a day inside you, never felt hungry, never felt cold - she's learning so much now in a very short space of time - please teach her that you'll always be there if she's sad, not that it's better to fall asleep because nobody comes when you cry.

I don't write this to make you feel bad, I promise. I just can't bear not writing something and thinking of your little girl crying

My DS2 is 17wo and I sometimes leave him to "complain" a bit before he goes to sleep - but if he cries, I go to him (during the day) or pick him out of the crib (at night). Often I feed him to sleep though - DS1 grew out of this and I'm fairly sure DS2 will too - but for now, while it works, I'm doing it.

Too much is made of "training" very young babies IMO. But I do know how hard it is to exist on not much sleep and I do feel for you - between DS1 and DS2 last night, I had three hours sleep (DS1 teething, DS2 growth spurting). I'm currently dreaming of teenage lie-ins when I can go and drag them out of bed by their legs at 7am

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:57

i guess every one has a hard time with a baby,some for months and some for years.
my baby isnt that bad but when i hear that some mums tried this and that and now their babies sleep alone i say why not try it?maybe by being so soft im missing the chance of sleep

OP posts:

bluejelly · 22/05/2006 13:03

Catch up on sleep in the day when your baby naps. Then it doesn't matter so much if you have a broken night. It's the only thing that kept me sane in my dd's first few months...

I used to put her in her buggy, take her out in the morning, bring her back the moment she fell asleep and leave her in the buggy in the hall. Then i would literally put my pyjamas back on and go back to bed and force myself to go back to sleep.

oops · 22/05/2006 13:05

please don't leave her to cry- she's too young iMO

why don't you get one of those baby seats for the house?
she can sit up in it until she goes to slepp then you can lie it flat.

try something like this, but make sure it can go flat when she's asleep then you will feel better about her back
My ds2 spent alot of ti6me awake and asleep in one of thes6e..we9ll something similar.

you will get through it, and onto the nest thing, things chance slowly with babies, in a few weeks i am sure it will be much much better.

\link{http://www.mothercare.com/invt/lb0565&bklist=icat,5,shop,shonursery,nuractivity,actbouncingcradles\from mothercare, but other people do them}

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