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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how can i get her to sleep without breaking my heart?

48 replies

jomana · 22/05/2006 12:15

hello
i have a 14 week dd,shes great but i cant put her to sleep by herself,she liked to be rocked or to stay in her carseat and wakes in her cot.
yesterday at 7,after her bedtime routine i put her in her cot to sleep alone
she cried for 2 hours,then i fed her again and put her,she slept after half an hour
at 4 am she slept alone
but now she is crying and wont have a nap.i dont want to go a step back and rock her but her crying driving me crazy,i cry with her.
i wonder if im being harsh or shes too young to sleep alone

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Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:07

have a look at this article for example
\link{http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/habitsby age3to6months/}
it sounds so easy but how on earth any one manages it for a 3 months old baby?

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:11

\link{http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/habitsbyage3to6months}

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:12

i`m trying to link but everytime i forget something
lack of sleep i guess!

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:16

/link{http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/habitsbyage3yo6months}

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:17

\link{http://www.babycentre.co.uk/baby/sleep/habitsbyage3yo6months}

OP posts:

Original poster

jomana · 22/05/2006 13:18

thanks anyway for all our support
i`ll let you know what happens

OP posts:

bluejelly · 22/05/2006 13:39

The problem is that all babies are different. My best friend's baby was sleeping through by 3 months. Mine didn't till she was well over 1 year old.
Can't say we did anything radically different (eg breastfed on demand, slept in same room etc)
I decided taht i wasn't going to get too stressed about her sleeping habits and just let her work it out by herself... Meanwhile I rigidly stuck to my own day-time naps (see below)
Good luck and do let us know how it goes :)

kitbit · 22/05/2006 16:18

I'd agree with the posters who say to trust your instincts. Noone knows your baby better than you. She will grow out of needing to be rocked to sleep, in the meantime what's the problem! In fact if she stay asleep when close to you for longer you'll get more sleep that way anyway. Do what you feel is right for both of you, if you don't like her to cry don't let her, it really is that simple and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself! She's still so tiny, she just wants to be close to mummy. Don't be put off or feel pressured by articles and opinions telling you how it "should" be, some babes are totally independent from very early and are happier when given lots of room. Yours clearly likes to have you around...so does mine! But now he's bigger he gives the very best hugs in the world, he's just always been a very huggy baby! good luck, don't worry it will get easier I really promise

kayzed · 22/05/2006 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklemagic · 22/05/2006 17:57

Hi Jomana, I know there have been a lot of posts here and I hope they have helped, just wanted to add - 14 weeks is SO young, don't worry about her needing to be rocked or stroked to sleep. If you can, I'd stay with her and gently stroke her face - my DS loved to have me stroke down his forehead onto his nose!

Don't worry that what she does now will stay the same forever - they DO change fast, and it is unecessary most of the time, to try to train babies out of things because you worry that they will get into bad habits; babies know what they need, and as they get bigger and don't need the same things, they drop them; it doesn't have to be a huge struggle, they will do things in their own time anyway. So please relax, go to her when she needs you, and don't worry!

Elibean · 22/05/2006 18:07

And another voice saying the same thing...she is so little, and she will change a lot, and habits are still easy to change for a while yet (in my experience). I think you can trust your instincts - don't forget, your little dd was attached to you 24/7 until 14 weeks ago - sleeping alone is a huge step, and doesn't have to be done all in one go!
I did cc with dd much later, but at this age I used a mix of stroking her back, rocking a little (pick up/put down is a much gentler form of sleep training, as an alternative to leaving her to cry - you just put her down when she's calm, pick her up when she cries, soothe her, put her down immediately she's calm again, etc etc. Can take a while the first few times, but worked beautifully for us - at around 7-8 months).

I used to worry about dd getting into bad sleep habits when she was teething, and needing lots of reassurance and rocking, but she always got better as soon as she was able to - as soon as her teeth stopped hurting, or whatever.

Good luck!

booo · 22/05/2006 18:14

hi
i only just saw this thread, so excuse me adding so late...
just want to say that your baby cries for you because you are the person she loves and wants most in the world, and because you make her feel safe (tho i know its hard to take comfort from that at 3am). my ds was just the same (me and my dp slept in shifts for the first 3weeks cos he wouldn't sleep except in our arms!)Then one day we put him down while he was dozy expecting a scream, and he went to sleep! Im sure your dd will work things out in her own time, don't feel pressurised by the books! good luck and i hope things improve for you :)

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 18:20

I hope you're taking some confidence from these replies..she absolutely won't get in to any bad habits just because you cuddle and rock her..it seems like an age now but really she is tiny..think in terms of when you were pregnant how long those weeks seemed and yet how short when you look from another point of view..12 months ago you scarcely knew where you would be now with a little baby!

RuthT · 22/05/2006 19:14

Agree with so many of the replies. I think it sounds like you want to comfort your little one and do do that. If you are worried about creating habits but don't want to abandon her then I would definately reccommend The Baby Whisperer routine of pick up/put down. It takes times but it is gentle, you won't feel like you are abondoning her and you won't create other problems.

Your husband is probably just as knackered, I am also convinced that women's internal wiring changes - the crying just doesn't have the same effect on any father I know. he may just be worried that it's affecting you.

Keep us posted, trust yourown judgement and good luck

FrayedKnot · 22/05/2006 19:41

Jomana my DS slept in his car seat or bouncy chair for his daytime naps until he was about 5 months.

After that he started to be more distracted by things going on around him so I started putting him in his cot. I would give him a feed in the dark in his bedroom, then when he finished and was drifting off, I would put him in his cot.

I always fed him to sleep unless he went to sleep in his car seat or buggy.

When he was about 13 months I stopped feeding him to sleep, and it wasn;t a problem.

Now he settles down nicely by himslef.

I just wish I had relaxed more with him because like you I was always thinking I should be doing something different, but it worked out OK in the end.

A year of having to help him get off to sleep seems such a short time, in retrospect!

vnmum · 22/05/2006 19:45

jomana, my ds has bad reflux, he is 5 1/2 mo and his reflux only started to improve slightly a month or so ago. he still vomits, sometimes like a scene from the exorcist but we got used to it. it could be she is in pain when she lies on her back, even if she isnt sick as they can get silent reflux. I slept my ds in a bouncy chair for naps and some nights even for the first 3 months or so, as he was upright but it was better for his back than a car seat. Have you got your mattress tilted at the head end, this really helps with reflux. i found that i had to keep ds as calm as possible and limit movement otherwise we just had sick everywhere so pick up/put down wasnt possible. i still feed him to sleep and co sleep for naps too so i get to catch up on my sleep. i cant bear to do cc so im just trying different things to help him settle but i know it will take time.

The other thing i found was putting him down on his side or even his front was more comfortable for him than on his back, but of course this was my decision after weighing up pros and cons re. sudden infant death.

Go with your instincts and for help with reflux i found the baby whisperer chat rooms really helpful

morningpaper · 22/05/2006 19:48

Do what feels right Jomama, just think about you and your baby and how much you love each other. Don't worry about health visitors/husbands/books. It's just you and baby and she needs you and wants to be reassured and wants to be held. My dd is 7 months and most nights I rock her to sleep while she cries a bit, then when she is totally asleep I lie her next to me, or in her cot next to my bed, then I sit and read a book and watch over her for a while. Sometimes she wakes again a few minutes later, so I go in and cuddle her some more. Sometimes I go in every few minutes and she drives me mad needing cuddles! But so what - it's just between me and her and all I want to teach her right now is that I love her more than anything and I always will. She can learn all that sleep stuff later. xx

CorrieDale · 22/05/2006 21:08

I agree with the others! My DS was a shocking sleeper. Even now, at 11 months, I feed him to sleep at night, and his naps are either in the car seat (being rocked) or in his pushchair, being pushed. But... he now sleeps through. I tried the pick up/put down method at 3 1/2 months, thinking that i should be doing something about his sleep. He cried and cried and cried. So I gave it up and went with the flow until he was 10 months old when I night-weaned him very gently. OK, so he still has props now to get to sleep initially, but after that, he sleeps through and I reckon I can't ask for more than that. If you want an expert who sings a different tune to the Baby Whisperer, Gina, etc., try this one: \link{http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp\Dr Sears}

laundrylover · 22/05/2006 21:30

Hey Jomana hope you're busy cuddling that lovely baby!
Just to say that my dd1 was exactly like that and needed loads of cuddles etc. It was hard work but at some point she must have got better!!
dd2 is 8wks and sleeps ALL THE TIME! Didn't need to cosleep or be rocked to sleep etc but does have a dummy at night despite my hatred of them!
Anyway just to say that all babies are different and that I'm missing being needed so much this time around.
I'm still knackered though with 3 night feeds and a tantrumming toddler.

Angeliz · 22/05/2006 21:41

I do think you're being harsh but it sounds as though it's because you're trying to do everything right!
There is no right way to do everything and you absolutely cannot spoil a baby.
I hope you listen to those that say pick her up when she cries. I am against controlled crying at any age but at 14 weeks would be horrendous. Believe me, you are not creating bad habits by being there for her ALL the time. I have actually co-slept with dd2 and always got her off to sleep and a more independant 15 month old i've yet to meet! They learn that you are always there and they feel confident to let go, please tell your DP to have a heart!

ladyoracle · 22/05/2006 21:58

jomana, if your baby has reflux then she will be far more comfortable sleeping in an upright position, lying down will make the pain worse which is why she cries more in her cot. We had the same problem with dd1, it's agonising trying to work out the best thing to do..in the end we worked on what was causing the reflux to solve the problem, but you could also try a wedge shaped cushion, or raising the head of the cot slightly with books, so she's not in so much pain?

I think most babies grow out of reflux before too long, so you could just let her sleep in the car seat until things improve, and then try and get a routine going when she's a bit older.

HTH, I remember the crying and me crying too..wishing you both some sleep x

Judd · 22/05/2006 22:19

Just found that Ladyoracle has said what I was going to say. We found with DS that he didn't like to lie flat - I read a link on here to Tracy Hogg (Baby Whisperer) and she suggested a pillow under the mattress so that the baby's head was slightly elevated. She said that sometimes a baby is too flat and the milk comes back and causes a sort of heartburn feeling. He was instantly happier!

bramblina · 22/05/2006 22:39

Jomana I have a friend who's dd slept in her car seat until she was around 1, as she would not sleep anywhere else, so don't worry about her back as my frien'd lo is fine, she's 5 now. You're always going to worry about something but that's only natural.

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