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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

CAUGHT DD WITH CIGARETTE!!!! ADVICE PLEASE!!!

61 replies

louise35 · 20/05/2006 09:51

Last night I was downstairs in the living room and suddenly got the smell of cigarettes. I went upstairs to my 11 year old DD'd room and the room was full of smoke. I asked her where the cigarette was and she had the cheek to deny that she'd had one. I finally found out that she's thrown it out of her window as she'd heard me coming up and I found it burning on the grass below. She had stolen it from my DH's coat pocket which was in the back of the car with her when we had been out for a ride. I am absolutely furious with the pair of them, my DH was supposed to have stopped smoking over a year ago but I have suspected he has been sneaking them, but to leave his coat with cigrettes in the pocket where she could get them in my opinion is unforgivable. I am feeling really resentful of DH at the moment and I cannot even bear to look at him apart from giving him dirty looks, but the problem is I really don't know how to deal with DD. She swears she's never done it before but I don't know what to believe. Its breaking my heart that she might be going down the smokers path. Please, I need some advice from anyone else who has caught their kids doing this.

OP posts:

merlotmama · 21/05/2006 16:11

Call them 'cancer sticks'. Tell her about the ad which said kissing a smoker was like kissing an old ashtray. Yellow fingers, stained teeth, bad breath and the fact that non-smokers can smell disgusting fag smoke on smokers from 50 paces....horrible.

fattiemumma · 21/05/2006 18:41

my dad did the exact same thing to me when i wsa 15 Bad hair - i have never smoked.

my dad brothers and sister all smoke though.

Ds is 5 and he found a ciggerette on the floor and didnt even know what it was recently! i was quite surprised becasue even though neither i nor his father smoke we have many relatives that do and he sees them regularly. made me rather happy thgouh

DominiConnor · 22/05/2006 15:24

The correlation between nicotine addicted parents and smoking kids is high. As are the statistics for the incidence of cot death if you allow smokers to enter your home. (wonder why that's not on the BBC?)

We're doing various pre emptive strikes.
The first is to point out addicts, and show our kids how sad they look. Ever see a smoker smile as he does it ?

We're also judgemental of others, which I accept is far from fashionable. Smokers are referred to as "not very clever", and 2.0 now knows enough to understand what we mean when we say "evolution in action". Although smokers don't die quickly enough to help much in improving the gene pool, they do take some of their kids out, which has the same effect.
Not a nice way of looking at it, but cancer ain't nice either.

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 15:49

The trouble with telling kids that smokers are not very clever and the sooner they die off the gene pool will improve is that it isn't true..does that not bother you dominic?

Telling kids stuff that they believe now but will find is wrong in the future will either turn them into rebels or bigots

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 19:48

I have tried to find some merit in your post but I've failed, do you really speak to your children like that?

charliecat · 22/05/2006 19:55

I used to smoke. Ive told my kids what noone ever bothered to tell me...yes, you do see smokers all the time, not dead or dying, everyday on the street you do. But thats because you dont visit the wards where there are people hooked up to machines having to have a machine to breathe for them, you dont visit the graveyards where there are thousands of people dead years early because of fags and you dont see the familys gutted because they have lost a loved through a lifetimes so called pleasure.

DominiConnor · 22/05/2006 20:03

Yes, we refer to cigarette addicts as "fag people".
They are defective, part of my sons' education is not to identify with the shallow end of the gene pool.

Blandmum · 22/05/2006 20:04

I would also go down the 'Wow, so you fell for what the tobacco company wants you to do!' line. 'They kill 360 people every day in the UK so they have to con young people into starting to take their place.....why fall for what they want?!'

if she is into 'green' stuff tell her that one in every 3 trees cut down world wide is done so to grow tobacco or make fags!

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 20:05

how far does your boycott extend?

Nightynight · 22/05/2006 20:38

can understand your hardline if you've lost relatives to cigarettes, dommiconnor. Not sure about the logic of the gene pool though.

We are judgemental too, about habits like smoking.

My mother gave us a cigarette when we were around 6. It worked - it was foul. Not sure I have the courage to do the same.

DominiConnor · 22/05/2006 21:53

If I tried to give 2.0 as fag, he'd fight me until blood was shed.
The genetic component to addiction is well documented, as is intelligence, expect it to increase.

zippitippitoes · 22/05/2006 21:55

The genetic component to addiction is well documented, as is intelligence, expect it to increase.

explain

stoppinattwo · 22/05/2006 22:05

DC think your in for a big shock when your kids grow up.

If i tried to give either of my two a cigarette they would think Id lost the plot [dumb]

That doesnt go to say that when they are older they will never smoke.

The shallow end of the gene pool, I would suggest are for those who are lacking diversity/ and tolerance. Thats why it would be shallow

fattiemumma · 22/05/2006 22:15

i am very much an anti smoker...but dominiconner all i can say is that for a 2 year old to be spoken to like that is quite frightening. do you expect him to be taught about aids and how those in africa are all to stupid and or ignorant to stop the spread by simply using condoms or abstenance? where does your hard line stop? are childrne who get hit by cars doing us all a favour as they were too stupid to cross the road correctly?

Im sorry but i feel you honestly beleive you are some sort of saint who has no flaws.

just hope you dont hurt yourself falling from that pedestal

stoppinattwo · 22/05/2006 22:21

its ok fattiemumma Im sure the shallow end of the gene pool will be deep enough

manitz · 23/05/2006 11:58

havent read all the posts but I smoked from 11 till 30 (20 to 30 a day) and both my parents are non-smokers who hated smokers and spent some time and effort pointing out smokers and their defects during my childhood. Basically I had a sibling bereavement at 13 which resulted in my parents being very preoccupied and my reaction was anger, often towards them and smoking was an excellent fuckoff gesture initially and later an addiction I regretted. Durign my time as a smoker it was always a huge issue for us and despite trying other drugs etc it remained my link with my teenagehood I used to refer to it as my only vice in a slightly proud way.

Since giving up I have found myself shocked at the way smokers smell. when I smoked emphazema (sp?) was a bigger put off than death. The problem is it's such a lingering death, whereas death itself doesn't bother you when you are a teenager. Another issue was the cost and the aging effect.

I think you have to approach it in a matter of fact manner and not make it a huge issue. Otherwise it will be a good way for her to rebel. Ultimately whilst you don't want her to smoke (as I really don't want my two to smoke) she has to make that choice and that is one of the things she'll decide as she becomes an adult. Just make sure it's an informed choice, perhaps she could have a chat with someone you know who regrets being a smoker?

Original poster

louise35 · 23/05/2006 12:36

Good grief, I've made the home page . I never thought my OP would bring such a range of responses. I have to be honest I do resent smokers (including my DH), especially those who expose their children and babies to their smoke, which is something that my DH has never done, he's never been allowed to smoke in the house, neither did I when I smoked many years ago. We've also never taken my DD anywhere where she can be exposed to it. Its only when you do stop smoking that you realise how truly horrible it really is, there's nothing worse than having to speak to someone close up who has stale cigarette breath, its vile. Although I don't like smokers I think the "lower end of the gene pool" may be a bit harsh but I can see where you are coming from DC, you are obviously very passionate on this subject for personal reasons and I fully understand that. Its an addiction, like drugs and IMO people start for various reasons, bereavement, stress, peer pressure etc but this can affect anyone, not just the "less intelligent". I am a very intelligent person and I started smoking due to peer pressure, (parents hated smokers but that didn't stop me either) I never enjoyed it though and thankfully I saw the light and stopped very easily. My DH is also highly intelligent and I think he would dearly love to stop completely but I think his main reason for quitting and starting again is that he has a very stressful job and is obviously finding it very hard. I think we probably need to look at why people start in the first place and try to address those issues. I genuinely think now that my DD just took the opportunity to "test" a cigarette and I have decided not to make a big issue of it. Obviously if she does try it again I will have to sit down with her and try and get to the bottom of why she feels she has to do it. Thank you all so much for your posts

OP posts:

themoon66 · 23/05/2006 13:01

Dominiconnor. I think I know where you are coming from but you come across as a bit bossy and patronising in your posts though.

I do think you are in for a shock though when your kids get older and start to rebel.

My mum had an attitude like yours.... she used to always say... let the smokers smoke themselves to death and save us having to look after them in old age. 'if they want to be silly-buggers' let them die!

Now I've never smoked... never even had a puff to see what it was like. However, my sister started at the age of about 14 as an act of rebellion. It took her 20 years to give up.

So... what ever you do, whatever attitude you take.. there's no accounting for what your kids will choose to do.

CountessDracula · 23/05/2006 13:03

I would say don't overreact too

But do tell her she will end up with a mouth like a cat's bum that should put her off

manitz · 23/05/2006 13:07

or she could get up the duff? that's what stopped me in the end

Rhubarb · 23/05/2006 13:10

Would you equate smoking with drinking too? After all lots of people die in alcohol related incidents, drunk parents crush newborns to death in shared beds, etc. Children see their parents drinking and they start to think that it's a good idea. The more alcohol they consume the more brain cells are killed. So let's get rid of drinkers to!

Oh, and then there's drivers. Car drivers who pollute our atmosphere with 10 times more pollution than a cigarette, who leave their engines running outside schools for all the children to breathe in the poisonous fumes. Then of course there are the accidents, most of the pedestrians killed are children. These car drivers will most likely take their children out in cars and give them driving lessons when they are old enough, so perhaps we should get rid of them too?

You wouldn't happen to do any of these things would you DominiConnor? Course not!

Original poster

louise35 · 23/05/2006 14:18

LOL Manitz, oh don't get me started on that subject too, with that bloody 11 year old in the newspaper getting pregnant, oh I can feel myself cringeing at the very thought, being the Mother of an 11 year old, just doesn't bear thinking about, I suppose I've to be thankful that a cigarette is all that she's "dabbled" with, thank god!! and I never thought I would hear myself say that

OP posts:

shimmy21 · 23/05/2006 14:29

Hi Louise -no advice on dd's smoking I'm afraid (just dreading having to face the same dilemma with my own 2 dss)
Just wanted to say I know exactly how it feels on the sneakily smoking partner. My dh 'gave up' repeatedly and always swears to me that he doesn't smoke. I am not an idiot and I know darned well that he smokes at work. I can smell it on him a mile off. Now I can just instantly tell that he's smoking again because he comes home sucking mints (how stupid does he think I am?!) Every now and then I find a packet and he admits it all and promises that he really really is going to give up...

Why the lies? I think they genuinely feel that it doesn't 'count' if they don't admit it. Stupid stupid fools

Original poster

louise35 · 23/05/2006 14:51

Shimmy21 are we married to the same man? lol, everything you said is EXACTLY what my DH does. He comes home from work stinking of it, chewing gum, as if thats going to disguise it!! His trousers, shirts and jacket absolutely stink and he's been trying to blame other people in his office, even though there's only 3 of them in there and I'm pretty sure the other two don't smoke. I've stopped being to hard on him though because I seriously think he's embarassed by the fact that he stopped then didn't have the willpower to keep up with it. Strangely enough though since the episode with DD he does not seem to have smelled of it in the last few days so maybe he's back on the right track again, but I'm not going to nag him, he heeds to get his head round it and do it in his own time, hopefully his own time will be soon though and not in 40 years lol.

OP posts:

Feistybird · 24/05/2006 09:57

Louise, the only comment I would add (and apols if it's been made already) is that I think it highly unlikely that this was the 1st time smoking for your dd.

Kids generally try smoking firstly, with their mates.

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