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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

FALL OUT WITH FREIND OVER her dd

92 replies

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:16

I have a friend who has a dd nearly the same age as my dd, my dd is 3 in 2 weeks and friends dd is 3 in July, they are due to go to nursery in August, problem is my friends dd hits and lashes out at all children the same age or smaller including my dd taking it most of the time, however this morning at toddler group my friend was in the toilet and her dd kicked a baby in the tummy and then followed a toddler into a play tunnel and grabbed the wee soul by the hair and nipped and scratched until the LO cried, i went and got my friends dd out of the tunnel by lifting her out from one end so as she couldn't get to the LO again, her dd gave me the most dirtiest look i have ever seen (for a child that age), stood looked around notices her mother wasn't in the room and ran into the hall of the toddler group screaming mummy mummy she hit me, meaning me! i explained what happened to my friend and she went and got her coat and her dd coat and left the toddler group, i'm now at home with my stomach churning in knots because i phoned my friend when i got home asking if she was angry with me, she said she is extremely angry at me for

Lifting her daughter
Saying to her dd NO don't hit
She says i have something against her daughter(i have nothing against any child, i love children and deal with them all as individuals) and that i should never say anything to anyone elses child if they hit out I explained i only lifted her daughter to prevent the child being attacked again, and as a friend i explained maybe it was time to try some other way of dealing with her dd hitting out i.e taking her away from the situation, time out for 2 mins in her buggy, or giving her a stern warning or they were having to leave, she has now accused me of trying to tell her to raise her daughter and i have oh so perfect children, (my children are not perfect) i disipline them as i see fit at a situation, my friend has only ever said to her dd " oh don't do that darling" thats all she has ever done, so i thought it was a duty as a friend to say to her on the phone, i have always stuck up for her at toddler groups and things when the other parents talk about her and her dd, now she is accusing me of all sorts and i feel crap now, my stomach is in knots and i don't know wether just to walk away from this friend, afterall she did hang the phone up on me, please give opinions please, have i been a horrible friend?

OP posts:

clairemow · 21/05/2006 10:59

Manitz, I see what you are saying. I haven't smacked DS ever, but he's just 2 now, so sure the temptation will arise.. Personally, I don't think shutting them in their room is more cruel than a smack - if you get down on their level, explain the issue and say you are now going in your room for x minutes to think about what you have done, I think that gives them time to calm down (and you!) and as they get older, maybe even think about their crime... When they come out, I make DS give the other child he's hit (if that's what happened) a kiss and cuddle to say sorry. Usually works, and now the threat of 'do you want to go in your room on your own?' usually works a treat, as does 1,2,3 - like you.

sparklemagic · 21/05/2006 11:31

I agree with you Claire and I think your post clearly illustrates why smacking, even if only very rarely done, is simply a failure of parenting; if you follow the steps you list, then you have done all you can. A smack is simply not necessary, and manitz if you are giving a smack 'calmly' then surely you have the time and ability to apply the measures that will work without physically hitting the child. All this tells your child is that you are misusing your power as the adult, the bigger physical person, and the person they should be able to trust to use their BRAIN to deal with any bad behaviour. I think a smack is simply lazy parenting.

I do understand that a smack could occur on the spur of the moment, in exremis, though once again I believe it's simply a matter of using some form of time out so that you get a chance to calm down, and deal with it in a better way.

maddiebean · 21/05/2006 12:02

It's easy to be the perfect parent in theory isn't it?!
I've had a similar experience where I got absolutely sick of a 'friend's' ds terrorising my dd. In the end it came to a head when she was complaining about ds's behaviour and I said 'but you gave in to him' referring to an incident (too long and boring to reccount) that had just happened. She was really annoyed with me and left my house (at dd's birthday party) I did apologise for commenting on her parenting although I stood by what I had said. Again she was one of those influential parents who had alot of sway over a whole group of friends, always gossiping and bitching behind people's backs. So basically I just stopped calling her and the others and found myself a new group of friends who don't frown on someone who disciplines their children. My dd is so, so, much happier and more confident now.. It was the best move for me and my children. So Kidstrack basically I'm just another person saying, I know how you feel, you did the right thing and you're better off without a 'friend' like that.

maddie
x

manitz · 21/05/2006 20:23

to be perfectly honest it has been a long time since i smacked dd. I've been thinkinga bout this all day. she's only 3 so only little too and the last time i smacked her she was just over two and had put her month old sister's fingers in her mouth, took a couple of seconds for me to realise that she was biting down extremely hard on them. I took her off, put the baby down and didn't know what to do, after a while i just said 'i'm sorry that is so wrong and i'm going to smack you and i'll do it again if you do it again'.

I actually don't understand people hitting their kids without thinking, I have done it once or twice when i was first a mum (as my mum did to me) and felt dreadful afterwards. besides that its a useless method of discipline as explanation is important.

however i've never smacked dd2 and i can't really see a reason to smack either of them in the near future as, over time, we've developed really good methods (like counting etc). I think the reason i posted about smacking was cos someone talked about a good hiding and also the kids described on this thread are making peopple miserable. I just feel that sometimes a smack shouldn't be out of the question - although it sounds like those parents need to understand aobut discipline in general. I guess also that i would distinguish between hitting a child hard and smackig on the wrist/bottom, like i said i wouldn't expect it would hurt a lot but be a shock.

cheeseypeas · 21/05/2006 22:52

I'm sorry this happended to you Kidstrack. You sound like a good parent and IMO have done NOTHING wrong. My DS (1 year) has poked toys in smaller babies faces and been stopped and I have done the same for other peoples babies.

Know one will think you have done anything wrong, they will think the oppositie and be grateful that you stepped in - what was the alternative? You stand back and let a small child be hurt like that, screaming and crying? You're friend knows that too and that's why she has spoken to you like that -

She sounds very defensive Hence the unreasonable mouthfull and hanging up the phone as opposed to talking it through with you and resolving it. Talking it through would probably mean talking about her daughter's problematic behavious. She's naturally going to be defensive and may well be embaressed and worried. You have not been a horrible friend. You obviously care about her or you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of writing this post.

Maybe you should let her cool off. Give her time to think about things. Leave her to get in touch for a short while and if she doesn't, maybe you could just write her a quick email, offering her chance to get in touch with you and sort it out.

cheeseypeas · 21/05/2006 22:52

sparklemagic · 21/05/2006 22:53

each to their own manitz! I don't want to quibble, as I know we're not talking assault and battery here! I just think there is always a better way than hitting, but as I say don't want to split hairs.

pinkdolly · 22/05/2006 11:56

Hi Kidstrack,

Hope you are feeling better about it all this morning.
I too think you acted in totally the right way. And what guts you have to actually speak to your friend about the situation.

IMO it is your friend who is out of order. How would she feel if it was the other way round. If one of your children was bullying her little girl? Would she just sit back and say nothing. I dont think so! This woman is making a rod for her own back, if she doesn't sort out this problem now then it can only get worse as she moves into school.

I wouldn't accept that sort of behaviour from my children. i too, know mum's like your friend, who seem to be obliviuos to there little darling's bullying. It makes me so mad. how hard is it to discipline your child?

And if this woman can't take a little bit of advice where it was needed, then your much better off without her in the first place.

Original poster

Kidstrack · 22/05/2006 16:10

thanks all again, i still have little pangs of tummy churning that washes over me, then i think what the hell and think about something totally different, like my wedding in 6weeks OMG. One of the parents that goes to the toddler group and is a commitee member came over in the playground today and said that they are drawing up rules for the toddler group,so that if any children hit,bite or kick another toddler/baby their parents take their child away from play for 2mins to sit on parents knee, or if a child continually bites to be strapped in their buggy for 2mins, all parents are to be given a copy for the toddler rules so that we are all doing the same disipline and no one feels flustered when their child is hitting or being hit, think it sounds a fab idea, as there is 2mums that smack their wee boys for hitting out, just going to have to be brave on friday when said friend is going to be there!

OP posts:

Twiglett · 22/05/2006 16:14

heh heh heh kidstrack .. sure sounds like vindication and official backing of your opinion to me

Original poster

Kidstrack · 22/05/2006 16:16

i know twigs but, can you imagine when we are all sitting being given out these new rules, my face is gonna be scalding red or maybe it will be said friends face!

OP posts:

Twiglett · 22/05/2006 16:24

your face will be 'pleasantly surprised, not making a point' .. go and practice the expression now

otherwise you'll be all grinny and told ya so ...

Twiglett · 22/05/2006 16:25

maybe you could try studiously looking anywhere but her face

Original poster

Kidstrack · 22/05/2006 16:46

lol

OP posts:

earlgrey · 23/05/2006 07:59

If my friend had done that in my abscence, I could only be grateful to her. How long have you known her? The only reason I'd get my child's coat on and remove them would be because I'd have been ashamed at their behaviour.

I would have done the same and can't imagine any of my friends chastising me for it.

chocolatemummy · 23/05/2006 10:23

My daughter is 2.5 and can be the sweetest little thing, very affectionate and loves being with other children, HOWEVER, she also seems to have an agressive streak and at toddler group she does push other children and take things off them, she has hit them too. I feel awful and drag her away from the other children, tell her off and always make it clear to any other parents that I am very much aware and trying my best with her. I am struggling but I see other, older kids do it to her and feel very frustrated.How can you stop them from doing what others seem to do.
I think you did absolutely the right thing and I feel that the mother is failing her child somewhere for her to behaving that violently and not do anything about it.
My daughter has never scrathched or kicked or bit another child (yet?) I do get dirty looks off some other parents but they are usually the ones whose chldren do the same....... but its different when its their child getting hurt.
Parenting toddlers is very difficult. if you havent got a hitter, you have got a non eater or non sleeper or something else..

childern · 23/05/2006 11:36

How are feeling today? Know how you feel about being in knotts i'm very much the same, i think you did the right thing and if you where my freind and done that i would be thanking you not slatting you. My friend and i have said that we will never fight over our kids i tell hers when they do some thing wrong @ she does the same mine but that is what true friendship is all about, DON'T hang your head in shame she is in the wrong and should be pleasesd she had a good friend like you

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