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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

FALL OUT WITH FREIND OVER her dd

92 replies

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:16

I have a friend who has a dd nearly the same age as my dd, my dd is 3 in 2 weeks and friends dd is 3 in July, they are due to go to nursery in August, problem is my friends dd hits and lashes out at all children the same age or smaller including my dd taking it most of the time, however this morning at toddler group my friend was in the toilet and her dd kicked a baby in the tummy and then followed a toddler into a play tunnel and grabbed the wee soul by the hair and nipped and scratched until the LO cried, i went and got my friends dd out of the tunnel by lifting her out from one end so as she couldn't get to the LO again, her dd gave me the most dirtiest look i have ever seen (for a child that age), stood looked around notices her mother wasn't in the room and ran into the hall of the toddler group screaming mummy mummy she hit me, meaning me! i explained what happened to my friend and she went and got her coat and her dd coat and left the toddler group, i'm now at home with my stomach churning in knots because i phoned my friend when i got home asking if she was angry with me, she said she is extremely angry at me for

Lifting her daughter
Saying to her dd NO don't hit
She says i have something against her daughter(i have nothing against any child, i love children and deal with them all as individuals) and that i should never say anything to anyone elses child if they hit out I explained i only lifted her daughter to prevent the child being attacked again, and as a friend i explained maybe it was time to try some other way of dealing with her dd hitting out i.e taking her away from the situation, time out for 2 mins in her buggy, or giving her a stern warning or they were having to leave, she has now accused me of trying to tell her to raise her daughter and i have oh so perfect children, (my children are not perfect) i disipline them as i see fit at a situation, my friend has only ever said to her dd " oh don't do that darling" thats all she has ever done, so i thought it was a duty as a friend to say to her on the phone, i have always stuck up for her at toddler groups and things when the other parents talk about her and her dd, now she is accusing me of all sorts and i feel crap now, my stomach is in knots and i don't know wether just to walk away from this friend, afterall she did hang the phone up on me, please give opinions please, have i been a horrible friend?

OP posts:

Dior · 19/05/2006 12:18

You haven't done anything wrong. Well, I wouldn't have offered advice on how to change her child's behaviour, but taking her away from the child she hit was not a bad thing IMO.

overdraft · 19/05/2006 12:19

no you haven't

bluejelly · 19/05/2006 12:20

Your friend sounds very uptight.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/05/2006 12:21

You did nothing wrong at toddler group.

Im not sure telling her that other parents slate her and her DD was the wisest/nicest thing to do though.

Kathy1972 · 19/05/2006 12:22

"She says ... that i should never say anything to anyone elses child if they hit out"

Gosh what a silly thing to say. Of course you should.
Sounds to me like you did exactly the right thing.

Straightforward · 19/05/2006 12:24

Oooh nasty one - really feel for you.

Give your friend time to cool down - she's probably feeling incredibly sensitive and maybe a bit 'judged' (even though FWIW I think you did exactly the right thing).

Hope it works out...

Bumblelion · 19/05/2006 12:27

If I am ever in a situation where a friend is not present (or my friend is in a situation where I am not present) when the child is being mean to another child, whether physically or verbally, my friend and I agree that we both can intervene and stop the problem. I think your friend should be glad that you stepped in and took her DD out of the situation, it would have been worse if the mother of the child that was being hurt had taken it out on your friend.

You did the right thing and you are not in the wrong.

hotmama · 19/05/2006 12:30

I think you did absolutely the right thing. Your friend needs to sort out her dd's behaviour.

If close friends can't be honest then who can? Hopefully, she is just feeling a bit raw as she probably knows everything you said was true - hopefully, she'll thank you in a few days for your honesty.

Hoopoe · 19/05/2006 12:30

Yes, you were right to intervene. I'd give her time to cool down and give her a call in a few days.

Twiglett · 19/05/2006 12:36

good for you

hate crap parenting .. that's crap parenting

she'll learn a lesson .. a hard lesson .. nobody will want their child to play with an undisciplined child .. I don't mean one that hits out / bites or scratches because they all do that at some stage .. I mean one who's parent(s) cannot be bothered being parents and teaching them right from wrong

good for you

find different friends

Bobalina · 19/05/2006 12:38

I'd leave her well alone. She is surely no friend if she thinks you were doing wrong by her child. Things will get worse as your children get older. Cool the friendship imo. She has done herself and, more importantly, her child no favours what so ever.

Original poster

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:39

thanks for all the messages, i have only ever been in similar situation once when my neighbours 2 boys were hitiing my ds, it took me to drink half bottle of wine so i could confront her, i have been sitting here crying because i feel so bad about it, i am always the strong one out of my friends who never gets down or crys about anything yet i'm sat here blubbing at a computer, another thought i have had is that i never smack any of my 2 kids but my friend smacks her dd all the time for small things and points her finger at her when giving her into trouble, i just feel that her dd might be doing this because her mum does it to her, and the total dirty look thing her mum does that too and before her dd attacks any of the kids she points her finger and does a rambling speech before hitting out, could i be jumping to conclusions or might be this is why her dd hits out?

OP posts:

Twiglett · 19/05/2006 12:39

I was fuming in the playground the other day .. I was watching DD (2) and DS (5) was playing with a couple of friends in the playground a little away from me .. he was surrounded by about 3 or 4 mums .. everyone waiting for kids to go in

Anyway .. one child starts pulling DS's jumper from behind .. choking him .. he had tears runnning down his cheek, was coughing and going red .. I had to shout over, drop DD and run to stop this other child (no malicious intent just a game gone wrong) .. it took me about a minute .. DS was coughing and going redder and redder

NOT ONE PERSON STANDING NEXT TO HIM INTERVENED .. NOT ONE .. stupid fuckin' bitches

vitomum · 19/05/2006 12:41

you obviously both have very different ideas about child rearing. maybe you could suggest to her that you agree to disagree. you could also give her the choice of a 'discussion' about your different methods so you can both understand where each other are coming from. whether you can do this in a non judgemental way with her depends on how hard to take you find her existing methods. i also have a friend a bit like this and i end up feeling a bit sorry for her lo as he is not the most endearing sometimes. i doubt i would ever risk bringing it up with her but also worry that one day i might just blurt something out or get fed up with having to watch it. it's a tough one. I would have acted exactly like you in the toddker group and suspect most people would.

Original poster

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:43

i'm like that twigglet, i feel its a our duty to protect kids, i can't stand and watch a child being beaten or hurt in anyway, i just have to intervene, i'm not a nasty person and i never over react i'm just very laid back, i have never given anyones child into trouble, i just say things like "oh thats not nice, or "no hitting"

OP posts:

vitomum · 19/05/2006 12:45

just seen your update about your freind hitting her dd! from your OP it sounded like she was maybe overly liberal but this it is obvioulsy a lot more serious than that. Her poor dd she must be soo confused. i can see now whey you feel you have to confront her. i don't think i could hang around with someone like that.

Original poster

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:46

thing is friend is a very outspoken person and the mums are frightend of her so i felt it right to say to her(ok i'm a chicken and done it over the phone) but she stormed out of the group and i had no chance to speak to her

OP posts:

Original poster

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 12:49

exactly vitomum, dp said a while back that i wasn't to invite friend round because he had come home early from work and saw what friends dd done, i had only ever told dp what friends dd done, he saw for his own eyes the things she done, like taking a toy from dd and hitting her in the face etc, i have not had them round for a few months but have met at groups and in town etc

OP posts:

hotmama · 19/05/2006 12:50

Getting to the crux of it! If your friend hits her dd then she only has herself to blame as she is then going to find it difficult to explain to her dd that hitting isn't acceptable!

Everyone has different parentling styles but if you see someone being hurt surely you should say something especially if the parent doesn't?

cupcakes · 19/05/2006 12:52

If your friend had gone to the loo then I assume she had asked you to keep an eye on her dd i her absence? If so then she has given you responsibilty for her and you were completely right.

Esmummy · 19/05/2006 12:54

Must admit I agree with Twiglet's first post. I think your friend is ridiculous to expect you not to do anything.

FWIW i think she probably knows she overreacted now but didn't know how to deal with it at the time. Not sure the comment about changing the way she deals with DD would've gone down well, I wouldn't have appreciated it myself but then I am not very good at taking critiscm

FloatingOnTheMed · 19/05/2006 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubbles28 · 19/05/2006 13:01

I think you did exactly the right thing, you didn't discipline her Daughter as such but prevented her from hurting others..... what if another child was hitting/scratching her child would she want you to let them?? It definitely sounds as though she's learning this nasty behaviour from her Mum, maybe you will have given her something to think about once she's calmed down.... if not then her Daughter will continue to think that it's okay to behave in this way which is really sad for her..... but if that's what happens then you're probably better off without her 'friendship'.....
Don't be too hard on yourself.... ultimately you did what you felt was right so you ought to feel proud of yourself..... 'Bad things happen when good men/women say nothing'.....

acnebride · 19/05/2006 13:05

I think in the future she should thank you and you did the right thing. It may not be possible to go on being friends though. Sad but keeping a friendship is not worth ignoring something like this.

Original poster

Kidstrack · 19/05/2006 13:49

thanks for all your mess, i didn't expect to get a response, and i have all these messages, i'm sure dp won't want me to have anything to do with friend anymore and to be honest i don't think friend would want to, difficult thing is that our kids are going to go to nursery and school together and i will have to walk past her, not to mention returning back to toddler groups next week, my stomach churns at the thought of it

OP posts:

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