HELP!! 12 year old girls - new mum needs advice

[fredbassett]

My Step daughter has just come to live with us and I have younger boys so have no idea where she should be developmentally so if any of you can offer any advice I would really appreciate it Still trying to sort out schooling etc.. It's pretty hectic tbh!

What time should they go to bed?
What do you allow/not allow them to watch on tv?
How much homework will she get in year 7?
Do you let them out alone?

She has missed so much school I can imagine she is going to be very behind, I've ordered some letts workbooks and have found some great internet educational sites for her but the admissions people don't seem to be hurrying to get her in to school suggesting it may not be until after halfterm!!

Sorry for waffling, just lots going on at the moment and it's new for all of us.

just talking ot a friend this morning who has a 12 year old dd and then younger kids 4 and below. She is really having to monitor the MSN messenger because her dd has been having some really sexual conversations. It can also be the electronic bully playground. MSN and cell phones

not meaning to freak you out but it is the reality of computers

The desktop is where we can see what is going on. She hasn't got msn. I've set up an aol account as a younger teen so the security is good. I am worried that she may get bullied at school as her accent is very strong and she really doesn't seem to know the most basic things - although I am just assuming that she should know things like the capital of England.

I really want to get this right, it's so daunting!

My DS is soon to be 11

He has MSN but only with children I know and I have set it to record all his convers. I know others can join in convers

he is not in the slightest sexual yet anyway

In class 7 he will have 1 hour homework

He goes into bed at 7.30 apart from mondays when it is 9 ish after fencing club BUT he is always up before 6AM same time as DH

he doesn't go out in evenings but as we live in middle of nowhere there isn't anywhere for him to "hang about in" iyswim

Is she coming from a foreign country then?

fredbassett, my suggestion is to think how you would feel with regards bedtime etc for your boys are her age and act accordingly. I realise it is difficult because you haven't got there yet with your biological children but she needs to be a part of the family and not treated differently. Having said that it may be a good idea to discuss things with her as well. If she is used to a very late bedtime she may take some persuading to go earlier. etc

The school will be able to tell you how much homework sdd will be getting. IIRC dd was getting two subjects an evening at that stage with about 30 mins each of work.

I think much of this depends on the child. Has she a knowledge of the area? Has she stayed before? If so are the 'rules' going to change?
Do you have a relationship with her to build on?

Sorry, not much help. It sounds daunting but I would add don't try too hard as with all parenting it is a steep learning curve and sometimes you just have to go with it :) Good luck

Thanks for the tips - we used to have her and her brother a lot when they were very young but had a huge falling out with BM and we actually all lost touch. A couple of years ago we managed to find them and have had access since but very limited. We now live 300 miles apart.
DSD came up last week after some trouble at home. We gave her the option of staying here with us permanently and after a lot of talking things through she agreed.

We spoke to BM and she was fine with us but has been dropping little guilt trips into phonecalls with DSD - causing a lot of upset. The whole of the BM's family think that it is for the best.

It has been a very difficult upbringing for DSD, she has grown up very quickly, missed school, stayed up very late, looked after younger siblings....

my 10 and 12 y.o go to bed (allegedly) at 9.15 pm weekdays, that is about normal for their peer groups. you may find it hard persuading her to do the lettes workbooks if she's anything like my 12yo, and puberty will just be starting to rear it's charming head :-)I let them cycle to the PO (about 10 mins by bike) but we're way out of the village here, and they don't go to school there so they tend not to hang out much, but many similar aged children do, and will appreciate a bit of freedom - just be claer on back in by time x.
Our homework is wildly variable, or it could just be my boys!, anything from non-existent to an hour.
Mine watch things i don't like on the TV, but they love like the bill - i'm not at all sure it's suitable but there you go. otherwise makeover shows/wife swaps/supernanny etc are always popular in this house.
give yourself a hug for taking this on.

Thank you so much for that post Rosie - It's really helping hearing from you all. I have managed to get her a school place and we're going to visit on Monday, it looks pretty good. Also got her a TV for her room although she is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being alone - I never hung around with my parents at this age and I'm finding it a little claustrophobic tbh, although I can understand it in a way. She doesn't read either which I also find strange so we got her to choose some books today and I'll encourage this.

• She keeps looking at what I'm doing on the pc, asking who was on the phone, where I'm going.... I think it must be a girl thing as the boys don't really notice what I'm doing. I sound really mean for moaning about it as it's not her fault, I think she's just used to being an adult not a child.

Do any of your neighbours have girls of around 11/12 ???

Would they be able to come over to chat listen to music watch tv etc at your house???

We're quite new to the area so don't know anyone much ourselves and the only people we do know are through primary school with little ones.

my sister is abut 12....although she likes to think its more like 21.

as she has been given a lot of responsibility in the past it might be very difficult to treat her like a typicl 12 year old.
i would start out by asking her what she thinks is suitable for things like bedtime etc. then you cna all reach a mutually acceptable time.
you dont want to go and say right you need to be in bed by XX when she has been staying up all hours as she will feel like you are trying to baby her.

take her lead and try and use as much negotiation as you can. as for school i think the norm is for abut 1-2 hours of homework every night though this may be increased if she needs to catch up.

i owuldnt worry too much about her gettign bnullied, it may be that her accent is a bit glamerous to the rest of her peers and so she is a bit of an attraction for a while.

Congratulations on getting your children back!! I'm glad they seem to be settling well. Aparantly DSD will be having tests next week to decide how well she is doing so that will help us know where she is academically. We need to get her registered with our doctor & dentist and she also wears glasses (we didn't know) but they are broken so we'll get her eyes checked too.

Does anyone know anything about uniform grants? The school said we should see if we are eligible but I didn't catch where I should find out, I've never heard of them before but it could come in handy - she will need school blazer, tracksuit....

may sound silly and may not be an option, but could you ask the school for any popular groups that their pupils go to. either, swimming, dancing, chess etc. then ask her to choose one as her special time. that way she will feel special as you have given her time for her ( espicially after caring for little ones) and will also make some faces familiar in school, thus making settling in better.
also ask her what programmes she likes, and any that you are not sure about, tell her you have never watched them and ask if you could enjoy togther etc. that way you can monitor them in a way. the fact that she wants to come and live with you is a positive thing, soi she must want to change the way she lives now.
she is lucky to have a new stepmum that cares so much. im sure it will all be fine, and then in a year it will all go wrong when she hits her teens!!! lol

I was also going to suggest trying to find her a group hobby fb. Though be prepared and encourage her to try different things until she finds something that suits her...A hobby or sport is great for her self esteem (which may need boosting from what you say) and may prove a useful stabiliser when she get to those difficult teens.

I personally don't have tv's in my dds' rooms. They don't need it and it's so easy just to slump in front of it feeling too lazy to switch it off.

my 13 yr old goes to bed at 9pm. Later at weekends. She doesn't go out alone much as we live in the country too, but is allowed to walk from school to the coffee shop or whatever if she calls me to tell me. Yes she has a mobile phone but with the most PALTRY monthly sum loaded into it!

I have a 12 yr old ds who is being pursued by about 90 yr 7 girls (he is obviously quite thrilled though)
On the whole they (and my ds) love MSN, text messages meeeting up before and after school.
Your sd will take time to settle in, depending on what she is like and what the kids at the school are like, you may find she opts to be cool to fit in or withdraws from the whole clique thing altogether. Watch out for bullying and girl fall outs, it's RIFE at this age and can be really tough.
Homework, ds is at grammar, should get 1 hr per night but rarely does that as he does it at lunchtime at school. To free up his spare time for girls.
Saying that he is not "sexual" in any way, he just hangs out (am presuming this to change any time soon though)
Popularity is everything to most kids at this age it appears.
Ds goes to bed at 9 usually but he reads for an hour or watches tv if there is something worth watching, educational to a point.
Weekends it's 10pm.
Ds does go out alone, but with his phone and we live ona very friendly safe estate in a rural village.
I'd not be thrilled in a bigger city environment
Plus I know who he is with and what he is doing
Plus I keep his MSN weblog, not to be nosey just to be informed.
Good luck hope she settles in ok :)

does the school have a second hand shop/fair where you can get the more expensive stuff like track suits and sports gear.
don't know about uniform grants i'm afraid, but they do exist - try local council?

I had a chat about groups etc.. and she quite fancies netball or another sport so that sounds promising! I checked about the uniform grant and we don't qualify, you need to earn under £13500 which we do, receive CTC - which we do but not be in receipt of WFTC - we get this so we don't qualify.

The Letts books arrived today so she has something different to do now other than watch tv!

Piffle - it's so funny when they get girls hanging around them isn't it? DS1 is 7 and he has always had a little following so I figure he will either be a stud or gay

Good luck fb,i have a dd, 13 in 2 weeks,she frightens the living daylights out of me]grin]
It sounds like your sd is a very lucky girl to have come to you at such a sensitive age.
I wish you the very best of luck

fredbassett
Good for you and good luck!
My dd (13 at the end of the month) is a handful - she can change between being a delight and a demon within minutes. I think it's just the age!
She is very involved with netball and tennis, and with around 1 hrs. homework, she has limited free time.
Friendship groups come and go, and although she isn't 'into' boys other than as friends, many of her schoolfriends do have boyfriends.
She is allowed to go shopping in town with friends occasionally, normally for 2/3 hours, but with hourly mobile contact.
Loves tv - she would overdose given the chance, although she is not allowed tv or computer in her room.
She can be a really good little helper, when motivated, helping to get a meal ready etc.
I love watching her grow and learn - she is still very open with me, and tells me pretty well everything - although I'm sure that will change.
One thought, my dd is extremely fond of a girl I work with, who is around 23, cool and trendy! She will talk to her about anything, but I know that the feedback will be positive and meet my approval . I suppose what I'm saying is if you could find someone to befriend her, it might help open up another communication channel.
I'm sure you'll be fine - it'll be a steep learning curve as motherhood is, but she's lucky to have someone who cares so much.

*RTK *7.30 at 10 years I applaud you - Mine are in bed 8.30 - lights out 9.00 ( 9 and 11 years) and 13 year old lights out casual usually about 9.30.

I dont let her on MSN ( daughter 11) She does not watch evening tv only up to 6.00 pm if any ...i do let her out alone in days and up to 7.00 pm

Good luck fred !!

I was feeling a bit guilty about this early bed thing last night

Anyway went in to see if he was reading etc and he was fast asleep -- it was 8.20

BUT he does get up very early, DH gets up at 6am and DS is up before him so sometimes as early as 5.30am

Even if he goes to bed later like on a monday night he is still up early

He likes to take his time in the mornings, getting ready for school so if he decided to get up later he wouldn't like it

On saturdays it is later cos of Dr who

It sounds fredbassett that you will do a deffo brill job with DSD

Thank you all so much for the encouragement and support - it's brilliant! I don't feel old enough to have an almost teenage daughter, although I sometimes look at DS1 and wonder how that happened too!

If I'm honest, I'm actually quite excited about having a girly - she still likes pink too so it's all good

Pink's cool - for boys as well1

fredbasset, how are things going?

Hi Winnie - thanks for asking! Things are okay at the moment, we're visiting the school tomorrow - I went into the school uniform shop yesterday, OMG I couldn't believe the prices!! Why do they all seem to have blazers (£24.99) now? We used to have a sweatshirt, a lot easier to wash! They even have to have a school tracksuit fgs (£32.99) a school vest, tie, shorts, white (???) shirts, trousers. Her shoes are falling apart and we need to get a school bag.

She does seem to have settled well which is great and she's been really helpful around the house - she eats like a horse though!!