Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

HELP!! 12 year old girls - new mum needs advice

32 replies

fredbassett · 10/05/2006 12:34

My Step daughter has just come to live with us and I have younger boys so have no idea where she should be developmentally so if any of you can offer any advice I would really appreciate it Smile Still trying to sort out schooling etc.. It's pretty hectic tbh!

What time should they go to bed?
What do you allow/not allow them to watch on tv?
How much homework will she get in year 7?
Do you let them out alone?

She has missed so much school I can imagine she is going to be very behind, I've ordered some letts workbooks and have found some great internet educational sites for her but the admissions people don't seem to be hurrying to get her in to school suggesting it may not be until after halfterm!!

Sorry for waffling, just lots going on at the moment and it's new for all of us.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
jellybrain · 17/05/2006 22:50

Are you still trying to find a grant for school uniform? Try the Family Fund. They have a website not sure of the address but can pass it on tomorrow if you have no luck with google.

jellybrain · 18/05/2006 13:00

The correct name is the Family Welfare Association fwa.org.uk

duchesse · 08/02/2009 11:20

You sound like a LOVELY stepmum! I would limit the use of the computer (to nothing, or supervised for homework only, massive amounts of blocked sites (say it's because of the little ones) for starters, and spend a fair amount of time bonding with her emotionally (very important for teenagers). Take her out shopping (without the boys sometimes would be brilliant), take her for hot chocolate in nice grown up places, and make it clear you are not aiming to replace her mother, but to give her the best possible upbringing. Think of yourself as a godmother or kindly aunt, and act accordingly. Impose firm but kind boundaries on her.

Do not say anything negative about her mother, or the mothering she's had up till now, as even if it was hideous, she will be very emotionally attached.

You may have to be very stealthy about dispensing the academic help, especially if she feels like a failure, and you may need to spend quite a lot of time helping her one to one at first. At this stage though, it will reap huge rewards.

It will not be easy. No child of that age undergoing huge upheaval is easy, but if you are determined, the rewards for both of you will be enormous and worthwhile.

duchesse · 08/02/2009 11:21

Sorry, just realised I inadvertently resurrected a really old thread- I hope you managed to make it all work!

BoffinMum · 08/02/2009 12:09

I would second what duchesse says about 1:1 time, and also what other posters said about finding her an out of school group or club to join. The more variety in her social groups, the less prone she will be to the effects of bullying, because she will always have another group to turn to if one goes pear-shaped.

It won't take her long to catch up with core subjects if you give her an hour or so a day with the Letts books at the kitchen table when things are relatively quiet. There is also an online secondary school you can book into which gives a full educational experience - I will try to find out a link.

Can I also say that while TVs in bedrooms give privacy, they can also make teens isolated and a bit grumpy, so one clever way around this is to take up some popcorn and both sit on the bed and watch makeover shows or whatever together. Insist it's turned off at bedtime and monitor for sneaky viewing after hours.

In terms of bedtime you are probably aiming for between 9-10 pm with a bit of a lie-in on a Saturday and/or Sunday morning.

Girls of this age often like going off for little shopping and cinema trips with their mates into town, with parents providing a taxi service or bus fares. If you give a curfew and then massive praise for keeping to it, you will prevent boundary pushing in this respect later on. Our rule here is they can do more or less what they like within reason, as long as they are absolutely honest about where they are, who they are with, and what time we should expect them back, so we can send the cavalry out if help seems to be required.

iPods/MP3 players can be important as a means of building a kind of teenage group identity through shared music, so this would be a good birthday present if she doesn't already have one, otherwise be fairly generous on the iTunes budget. These gadgets do get pinched quite frequently though, so don't spend a fortune on it.

Finally, as well as girlie shopping, cooking and baking nice things together is a great bonding experience and allows time and space for chatting things through. It is possible to do this fairly easily even with younger children around.

I think it is just great you asking for advice like this, and I hope you manage to build the happy relationship you obviously deserve!!

BoffinMum · 08/02/2009 12:15

PS Suggest praising her a lot and telling her how much you enjoy having her there, whilst in this pre-teen honeymoon period!!

BoffinMum · 08/02/2009 12:30

Local Authority might be prevailed on to shell out for this for a little while if a school place is not forthcoming, perhaps. LA cannot leave provision longer than two weeks.

This is the link to the online British secondary school

New posts on this thread. Refresh page