when did your child start talking about death and what did you tell them?

[souvenir]

Dd's nearly 4 and has lately become very concerned with death. Mostly it's fear of me dying and more generally who will look after her if something happens to me. This evening she talked about Grandma being 'old' and said 'but she's not going to die is she?' so I said 'not yet, no, but she will one day' which led to the terrible tears that emerge whenever this topic comes up. Tonight then I talked to her about Grandma going to 'heaven' in a rather ad-hoc way and I wondered what other mums do / say when faced with this problem?

TIA

Thankfully DS hasn't really mentioned it in that kind of way.

our dog once ate his hamster which he witnessed ( the trauma that day...there were tears for hours)
so i had the whole its ok cos he is in a big field in heaven where he can run on as many wheels..etc etc etc.
so he understands the concept of death, ie once your dead your dead its not like a video game where you can come back to life again.

to be honest i dont know what to suggest. is there some reason that she has suddenly become aware fo death? or why she is concerned soeone will die?

My dd is now 5 and has asked lots of times what happens when we die.
I usually give her a few difefrent scenarios of what people think and let her think about it.
She usually makes her own mind up as to what she beleives

I am very honest with my dd6yrs old,have to be really as a friend of mine died last year-her dd is in the same class as mine.

DS is quite into talking about death. He knows people get old and die but he doesn't realise some people get ill and die.

He did ask me the other day if I would still love him if he died and I was still alive. I find it upsetting to even consider this so I just of course I would and changed the subject.

He had a cousin that died at the age of 13 (it was before he was even born) but he is aware of it and looks at her picture. He also asked if he could go and have a look at heaven so he obviously hasn't realised that once people die they can't come back.

DD has just turned 4 and death has been a big talking point with her for the past month or so. She isn't a fear or anything, just a curiousty really.Not sure why she has started talking about it really. She has known for ages that DH's grandma is dead and has been for a long time, as well as PIL's dog - she has seen photos and asked in the past. But at the moment she goes through phases of asking lots of questions.

At the moment DD things death occurs to older people mainly, and then they go to heaven - but we can't visit them there adnd they can't come back from, there. Some one at nursery (another child?) mentioned about being buried to her too but she hasn't really mentioned that bit again since.

At the moment my dd seems more troubled by it than the reactions any of you are suggesting in relation to your kids. The conversations all seem to happen at bedtime and always involve some really heartfelt sobbing. I can't think what's started it, we don't know someone who's died lately, it just seems to come up in conversation more. We got her a pet fish a few weeks ago and she was nervous to go to bed in case he died in the night. That sort of thing. And it comes up in her play a lot right now too.

Tonight at bedtime dd said to me, tearfully, 'when you die, you do come back again don't you?' so I said 'no, you don't, but you're not totally gone away, you're somewhere else' (I gave her a concept of heaven yesterday and today as I thought she needed some positive way of thinking about death) and I tried to make it sound unthreatening but she still got very upset.

Any other experiences to help me with this one? I feel as though it's important I get it right.

like Angeliz I give a few different scenarios about what different people believe
dd1 is in a bit of denial about it at the moment - our rabbit died but she refuses to accept it and tells everyone we still have two rabbits

Oh, I came on here ready to get all teary. Ds1 (4.5) has just recently started to tentatively ask about death. I'm afraid I've told him it's like going to sleep for a very long time. Wimp that I am. I know he doesn't really have a great concept of time. Just that if I got into a conversation with him about death, I'd be blubbing in no time.

However, I'm afraid that I had to spend a few minutes gathering myself after laughing uncontrollably at fattiemumma's dog eating a hamster.

When our goldfish died I told ds is was "dead" and he said where has it gone. I didn't want to tell him down the toilet or in the bin (dh was dealing with it) so I asked him where he thought it had gone. He thought for a moment and said "the other Christchurch". I liked that - because it's easy to describe (exactly the same as normal Christchurch)- unlike heaven.

I have always said "Oh look a dead sheep" or whatever.

Real death (ie a person that he will miss) - I hope he's a bit older before we have to do that.

I told DS (when he was 3) we just stop being - and that perhaps it is a bit like before we were born - we don't know anything about it. And that it is nothing to be frightened about - but we get upset because we miss people we love who have died.
He then asked if I would still love him after I had died, and I said that as long as HE was alive, he would feel in his heart that I loved him, and would always know that I had loved him, and he would keep that feeling, as my love, in his heart after I had died.
he seemed pretty ok with it - but has had no experience of anyone in his own life dying, so doesn't really feel the full brutal reality of loss.

ds2 (aged 4) is talking about it a lot at the moment. My grandmother and dh's grandfather have both died this year. I told him about heaven and he was OK about it. He wanted to know that we would all live together in the same house in heaven (I said yes). He hasn't got beyond old people dying yet, thought we'd leave young people can die too until later.

I found this really great book that helps with getting kids to understand death, it's called 'No Matter What' by Debi Gliori.
It's two fold, it gives me yet another opportunity to tell my kids just how much I love them and that although someone might die, love never dies.
I never saw my beloved dog when he died when I was a kid, and so I spent years expecting to see him come around a corner or something. As a result I made sure that our 4 year old son saw our dog after she died and he was able to stroke her and see that she just wasn't going to wake up, and that she didn't hurt. He's really good about the subject now and understands that it is part of life.
As we have a new baby on the way, he also understands that to get new babies, someone, somewhere has to die to make room for them.
Fortunately he hasn't experienced the death of a loved one close to him yet, but I hope that he will have a reasonable understanding when the time comes, but also know that their love for him hasn't died.

Thanks for these replies. Do you think I should worry that my dd is getting so weepy about it? Your kids seem to be quite accepting of what you say. Mine seems to be filled with despair and whatever I say to make it better seems to have no impact.

dd1 has been a bit pre-occupied with death for a while now. i had to tell her a bit about death last year when she was asking why i had no mummy and i explained that she'd died which meant that she went to heaven so she can't be with us anymore. she seemed ok with this although obviously she didn't have the a capacity to fully understand it - i thought it was a starting place though. before i had dd2 in october last year i had to spend 3 weeks in hospital which really upset me but i tried not to make a big deal out of it in front of dd, who was going to stay with the in-laws in the week, although she visited me every day with MIL. One day we were having our lunch in the hosp canteen and she asked how my mum had died and asked me a lot about why she'd had to die. It really upset me but i didn't put 2+2 together until she said 'and your mummy went to a hospital after she hit her head didn't she?' and i realised that she thought because i was in hospital, i was going to die too . i was soooo upset after she went home that day! we got through it ok after that and tried to focus on the positive for her. her pre-school teacher did say that she'd mentioned death a few times and also that she was wanting lots of cuddles from the helpers and teacher at the time. it sort of faded off for a while then.

recently though she's been asking a lot about getting old and dying. she picks up LOADS from the tele and radio even, when the words die death killed etc are mentioned and always asks how old the person was and why they had to die. she's even started saying that she wants us all to stay just the way we are in our family so we don't get older and have to die, which is pretty upsetting for me to talk about with her but i've tried to be matter-of-fact about it. i can't really say to her that it won't happen, just that it's a very very long way off and not to worry about it now. although i'm not mega-religious, i've found it helpful to refer to heaven to try to explain things: that death is very peaceful, calm and happy. i read somewhere not to refer to it as 'sleeping' in any way in case the child gets frightened at bedtimes. she asked if you get to see everyone you love in heaven and i told her yes for now. i can't stop her thinking about death if that's what's on her mind so i just want her to not be scared by it.

DD (3) has been very concerned about death and has talked about it a lot. A beloved aunt of mine died last November - someone DD was very fond of -and this triggered it. She found it difficult to accept that, once someone has died, we don't see them again. She still often talks about my aunt's death in a a matter-of-fact way and then, perhaps only a day later, says "When will we see her again?".

She is clearly concerned about our dying and about her dying. We just say that all this is very far in the future, so she shouldn't worry about it. She hasn't yet realised that children and young people also sometimes die.

We are atheists, so we don't talk about heaven. It may sound harsh, but we just say that once you're dead, you don't exist. however, we've also tried to help her to understand that death is natural - that all living things die - and that it's part of a world where there is also continual rebirth of new life. I think she does understand this.

just read your last post souvenir. my dd does seem worried by it but not to extent your dd is seemingly. i think there's a definite separation anxiety going on with my dd, maybe yours too by the sounds. it's interesting that she gets upset at bedtime. do you think she might have made a connection with death and sleeping at all? i know my dd was also very interested in the concept of Jesus at easter (again, I'm not that religious but felt she ought to know why it's celebrated) and i've found myself having to try and explain the resurrection to her, which has been a challenge i must say! she keeps asking 'and when so-and-so dies, will they come back alive again too?'

Really interesting to hear your stories. Moomin, dd is like a radar picking up on every time the word death, killed, drowned, etc. appears anywhere! I can tell she wants me to say something totally reassuring like 'yes, after death we can come back to life' and it's almost like the fact that I'm not is what most frustrates her.

moomin, how old is your dd now? I've also wondered if there's a separation / anxiety issue. But she doesn't show that in any other way, she's not especially clingy, has never shed a tear when I've left her with someone else / at school. I was just remembering tonight after her asking me again about dying she said 'if I was on a rock and you just disappeared I'd be left there all alone' and burst into tears again. AGH

i very clearly remember at 9 when my mum died thinking i was 'over the worst' the week after her death because i hadn't woken up crying! it took literally MONTHS to sink in that she was never coming back... so really it's very difficult to try to explain to a 3/4 year old anything that's going to make definitive sense to them. they are so used to us having the answer for all of their questions that it must make them feel quite insecure to have only a vague concept for an answer to a question they feel should be fairly straightforward! that's where religion does play a part for me at least. even if she chooses not to believe what i've told her when she's older i feel that i need to give her a safe 'structure' for my answers at the moment. i think the top and bottom of it is to try and reassure your dd that whatever happens to you or her she will always be loved. whether you want to bring god into the equation at this point is obviously up to you. my faith isn't secure enough to do that honestly, but i do feel ok with telling her about heaven and what i think will be a comfort to her at this stage.

dd is 4 and a half. i don't think it's a physical separation anxiety such as you mentioned at the school gate etc., i think the fact that your dd (and mine was the same) felt fine with leaving you shows that she was/is secure that you would come back for her. it's the vagueness of the concept of dying i think worried them. they've always had us there for them up to now and they've just started seeing into a place where they can't guarantee you will be there with them. by its very definition, death is done alone - and that's a MASSIVE concept for us, let alone them!

dd1 is 4 and a half. i don't think the separation anxiety comes from a physical separation like the ones you have mentioned. my dd was fine in circumstances like this too. i think this shows that she, and your dd, has always been sure that we will be there for them again afterwards, at the end of school or whatever. the problem comes with the very vagueness of the concept of death - they are just starting to see into a time/place where we're NOT there for them anymore and obviously the concept frightens them. i think they are just starting to grasp that death is something that happens to you alone - a MASSIVE concept for us to get your heads round, let alone them!

typical! thought i'd lost the post before that so i've just repeated myself. well, just read the one that seems more coherent!

Hi, never posted on here before, so hope this is right.
My son is 6 and for the past 2-3 months has been crying at bedtime worrying about dying. He thinks everyones gonna die and he'll be all alone. It get's to the point where he's inconsolable, nothing i say helps. Also he has been very worried about lots of other thing too, that are really uninportant, for ex. i bought him and older son a colouring book each, because older one didn't use his younger one cried for 3 nights cos he thought i'd wasted my money.
Yesterday he cried for 2 hours solid saying he'd done a bad thing, finally told me that 18 months ago he called someone 'fat' at school, and now thinks something bad will happen to him. I've been wondering if maybe my pnd has something to do with it as i too, worry alot and have very negative thoughts. To the OP, sorry this isn't much help, just wanted to reply. Maybe distract your dd around bedtime ie ask her to think of lots of thing she wants to do in the summer hols etc, let her watch a bit of tv in bed or read a book, i find this helps. Sorry it's become a bit of an essay.

moomin, what you're saying makes so much sense to me, thank you. Dd has clearly begun to be worried about a future when she's not 'looked after' by me because coinciding with her fears of death she's also asking quite often if I still love her, if I'm her friend, who will look after her when she's grown up, if I'll still be her mummy etc. It's all heart-breaking stuff, it makes you realise how vulnerable these little egotists really are.

lazymommy, your ds's anxiety sounds quite similar to my dd's. She also worries about small things / things in the past etc. I'm also a big worrier so I do think she picks some of it up from me.