Anger in 9 year old child

[aimum]

I'm at my wits end with my ds aged 9. We've been seeing a lot of increased anger and aggression which we're dealing with by getting him to sit and think about alternative solutions (when he's had a chance to calm down).

However, one problem that keeps coming up are situations where he's getting hurt just through general play e.g. he may get shoved as people are rushing past him. He then gets very angry that he's been hurt by his friends and thinks of it as a deliberate act. I've tried explaining that it was probably an accident but this ends up with him shouting at me that X deliberately hurt him. Does anybody have any ideas. I think part of the problem is that he sees things as very black and white with no in-between i.e. he sees it as he got hurt by X and therefore X must be told off. He usually ends up shouting at his friends and sometimes (probably most of the time) hits them back and then he gets into trouble.

Does anybody have any ideas on how I can go about helping him tackle this problem?

. Interested in replies.

Are you having similar problems, HM. I'm hoping someone wise will see this and offer me a solution to the problem.

You're not alone, my 9 year old DS sounds very similar.

How do you deal with it Plopsicle? It has got to the state where I wonder if we need to go and see a psychologist so it is good to hear that others are the same.

Does he get angry with the other child, at the time or with you for not "believing" him when he tells you about it later?

DS1 had an awful temper at that age. I believe it's to do with the beginnings of hormone surges (DS1 also had outbreaks of spots at the same time as his worst temper episodes)

I dealt with it in much the same way I did with toddler tantrums. Ignored him or sent him away to calm down and talked about it when he was able to do so "properly" He's now almost 12, so I suspect we're about to face even more challenges, but for the last year or so he's been remarkably calm.

Hoaz, he gets angry at the time, usually with the child who has accidentally hurt him - then it usually ends up with him getting into trouble - he has now been given a pass that allows him to go back into class if he feels like this at school. He usually tells me about it and ends up getting angry again because he doesn't understand why he hets into trouble and the other child doesn't.

Still working out the best way of dealing with it TBH.

He isn't as bad at school, he gets wound up easily and doesn't cope too well with teasing/banter, but at school it tends to be more sulking and getting stroppy than anger.

At home he has had some huge angry tantrums, much worse than toddler tantrums. As Hoaz said ignoring does seem to work best, although thats easier said than done!

Also, are you sure that they are accidentally hurting him and he isn't being bullied?

Ah, DS1 seemed to reserve his outbursts for home and never got into trouble at school - was more likely to get upset than angry there, so I can't help much with how to deal with that, although it does seem like the school are trying to help.

What do the school think you should do? I work in a school, (admin, so not qualified to comment) but we have a few children who can react like this to accidents/injustice and they all have a diagnosis somewhere on the autistic spectrum (DS1 has definite traits too)

I dont have a DS, but I think Popsicle could well have a point, they can be little so&sos at this age & if your DS is prone to angry outbursts, then its not only not impossible, but quite likely that winding him up by accidentally on purpose knocking into him - My DD is a similar age & she's often told me stories about how some of the boys like to wind up the ones who are know to be volatile, as in XXX got into trouble again today, but it wasn't his fault, the others were being mean again & bumping into him, tripping him up etc & pretending it was an accident -

They can be horrors at this age & it all seems to be about sorting out a pecking order - the girls can be even more devious & I've seen DD in absolute pieces when she wasn't believed by the teachers over a few incidents where she was the only one being honest & the others were being manipulated by the ring leader into bullying her & lying about DDs behaviour, she was heartbroken & still gets nervous of not being believed & it all kicking off again even a year later, that affected her more deeply than the actual bullying, so do tread carefully with him & I'd maybe look into asking advice from some of the other school mums - have their DCs had similar problems, do they come home with tales of XXX & YYY being mean & playing tricks on your own DS - also speak with the teachers & ask if the situation can be monitored more closely as you are not sure he isn't telling you the truth & its important he is believed if the accidents are the others bit of fun IYSWIM

good luck

Fairly sure that he's not being 'bullied' but I do get the feeling that there is a bit of unfairness with the way the other boys at school play which probably makes things worse in terms of him being able to deal with it e.g. if they play chase, a few of the boys will pretend he hasn't touched them when he says he did - this makes him very angry! These few will then group together and say that ds didn't touch them. However, I also know that ds does have fairly poor communication skills, he's not the sit around and talk things out type.

We also have similar issues with him at home with his younger siblings. I've been making an attempt to deal with it calmly and trying to make punishments fit the crime but I find it hard when he gets so angry.

rockinhippy, I think you've sussed the situation out but how do I deal with it? I don't want him to have to feel angry all the time - its not good for him. I have tried encouraging him to play with other children but he says he doesn't have any other friends (i.e. the other friends don't want to play the same games.)

Fortunately, his teacher is quite understanding. I have been into to talk to her and she made a point of asking him who was winding him up and what they did to wind him up rather than automatically put blame on ds. He is a completely different child in class and one of the calmest - its just as soon as they get out into the yard it all goes wrong.

My DD is in year 4 and the boys seem to be gaining more confidence in all ways at the moment. They have matured but still have the tendancy to play rough....if the boys are ganging up to deny he's succeeded in a game of tag for example and it's regular...then that is bullying.

It's stealthy....but it's bullying and if I were you, I would talk to his teacher to see if she's noticed anything.

His communication skills...has he got a DX of anything? Is he getting help for those?

My dd2 (9) is a bit like that. We get lots of "(sibling) hit me on purpose " when they brushed past each other in a doorway. And lots of falling to the floor in despair because we asked her to pick up something she dropped, or put the bloody hamster back in it's cage .

We console ourselves that at the same age the others were doing similar, and have almost stopped, though dd1 has now moved into the "you don't understand me" teen tantrums!

Just a thought - The other thing that might be worth thinking about if there's any other signs is - Dyspraxia - I mention this as our friends DD started to have friendship problems at a similar age & over reacting to situations in a similar way - she was clumsy as a result of what was later diagnosed as dyspraxia, it also made the more complicated games they started to play unfathomable to her, making her very emotional & volatile as she FELT left out, not true, but in her eyes it was, as was her clumsiness & misjudgement of space the others fault as she didn't realise it was her understanding of space/games etc that was to blame, which made her feel misunderstood & not believed & so she was more prone to kicking off

Heck I could have written that OP. DS is yr4 and completely the same except he doesn't hit back. School is very anti that. DS too is very black and white in his thinking.

Doesn't help you but I am very relieved to hear others have similar problem as I felt it was a hangover from being bullied (badly we changed his school) through yr1. I am sure he is not being bullied now.

We've got DS to do more sport so there is more rough and tumble in a give and take way. I'm also trying to say 'ouch that hurt but I know it was an accident' when he elbows me on the sofa for example.

x posts OP...you've spoken to his teacher but what happens next depends on his communication issues. Is he getting help?

Communication issues may be a bit of a red herring - he had speech delay and has had intensive speech therapy and is almost perfect now. This has always had an impact on the way he deals with things e.g. he will always reach across the table to get something rather than asking people to pass things. When he was younger he would resort to pushing and shoving to get his point across rather than verbal communication but this has not really been an issue the last few years. We tend to reward him (praise) if we hear him get out of sticky situations using a calm clear voice i.e. if he tells someone to stop because they are hurting him.

We have always been paranoid about the whole dyspraxia/ autistic spectrum thing but have been reassured that he is 'normal'.

I don't want him to have to feel angry all the time in which case, IME with DD the key is that he feels he is believed,

DD was a hysterical mess when she thought I didn't believe her too, not being believed at school had her primed to think I didn't believe her either, so even though I did believe her, I of course had to get to the bottom of it so I could effectively deal with the school, but I barely had to say anything to have melt down :( -

if the school are dealing with him as you describe, then it sound as if they already know theres more to the situation, that could be that they too suspect he's being deliberately wound up by the others, but have set behaviour rules to follow or they suspect he's struggling with his peers for other reasons, such as dyspraxia making playing more complicated games a problem for him - our friends DD funnily enough also had issue with the TYPE of games they would play, that turned out to be the key to diagnosis for her

sorry X post

rockinhippy, I do let him know that I believe him. We try to talk things out and I ask him if there's anything that he thinks he could do differently next time.

Just checked and looking at the symptoms for dyspraxia, the only box to tick is the 'judging how to behave' but I'm sure that could be ticked for most children.

Thats good Aimum & yes, you are right, they are just learning after all, so as you say most of us could tick that at some pont.

I'm going to hand over to the mums of DSs as I know from my friends with boys that it can be quite different & I have DD.

but the one thing that might be worth a thought though - speaking from experience with DD who was ridiculously over sensitive to being disbelieved because she rightly felt her teacher was being unfair in believing the others & not her - is that the language we use quite innocently can be misread by them

• IE asking DS ^what does he think he could do differently next time" could be misunderstood by an oversensitive DC, as - you have to behave differently, as it's YOUR fault - maybe asking how he thinks the situation could be improved & what they ALL could do to help it stop happening might be better heard, if that makes sense -

I was walking on eggshells with DD until I had a breakthrough with the school/one of the girls who is lovely & knows me well, stopped owned up to me over what was really going on, strengthening my reserve with tackling the school & sorting out the real culprits, up to that point anything I said could be misread, not always instantly, sometimes she;d lie awake & stew on it & then over react more with the next conversation :(

it does sound like theres some bullying going on though, I'd be gathering info from others & having a meeting with the school, one poor boy in DDs class went through hell with this sort of thing

My eldest DS is 10 very nearly 11 and he was like this, and I think it was the very start of a gentle curve into pubety. Sitting still in class and complying with school rules and standards can be very frustrating for them, they work so hard at it all school day long! We got DS a punch bag, one that is on a stand, that he can just whack when he wants and it works!

As women we don't tend to understand maleness, to us it can be seen as a violent outburst that is not acceptable but to a boy/man it is a way of release one's feelings and frustrations and no it does not lead to be a violent person in 99% of cases. We may sob and whine and be moody! I think trying to analyse it and ask him to think about what he could do differently is no help, for boys the anger and frustration is out and that's it! Of course he can't react to his classmates that way, but he sounds like he needs another outlet for the fizzing he feels, my DS loves to boot the hell out of a football round the garden too. He can come home from school foul as hell, but after a few boots of a ball, food expecially some protein he is a different boy.

There is always some unfairness and stupidity in game playing like you mention, he just needs to learn to deal with it, it used to make my DS crazy too, but now he shrugs it off and gets on with the game, plus the less fuss he made the less others did it to him and each other.

Y4, 5 and now 6 get harder and harder with more pressure and expectation, so they are trapped in a classroom for hours and then need to go off like a pressure cooker. My DS is also dyslexic and he works so much harder to get the results he gets and it takes its toll. Just like a really shit & hard day at the office sometimes! Maybe find him an outlet he enjoys, get the physical side working with the mental side, football, gymnastics, judo etc. Is he in Cubs or Scouts, this is the perfect balance of discipline and fun.

I also let hom know that anger being released is a good thing, all emotions are, but like all emotions there has to be some management of them in certain situations. Once i gace him a rolling pin when I could see he was so pissed off about something at school and he battered some sofa cushions and then gave me a massive hug and said he felt much better!

You've just reminded me of something Grants - When DDs problems were at their worst, I dug out a WII boxing game & DD set it up as the ringleader of the Bully as her opponent - she used to come home from a bad day at school, go straight on the WII for 20 minutes & smash the hell out of the bully in a way she would never dream of doing it real life - it worked wonders for her mood :)

My Ds is the same almost 9, I put it down to him having an abusive father but he has always been an angry little boy, been tested ADHD etc but apparently had no motor skills, we worked on that, he is still the same, he is fine at school, just with me and his brother.

He is in counselling but it doesn't seem to be doing a lot, I usually ignore him (he was throwing shoes at my head etc) duck a lot, or tickle him.

I know it sounds bizarre but even the tone of my voice if he comes home in a strop can set his mood for that night. I am so over nice sometimes he comes in so angry and I say:

'Hello, how was your day today, big boy?'

It seems to throw him off for a while and he follows my mood.

He threw a book last night as I said he couldn't have an ipod. I told him off his answer was:

I as a child have every right to be angry ....

Still work in progress here. DS1 started puberty at 9 and was a nightmare by 11, I have no idea how things will turn out with DS2 as they are very different.