Anger in 9 year old child

[aimum]

I'm at my wits end with my ds aged 9. We've been seeing a lot of increased anger and aggression which we're dealing with by getting him to sit and think about alternative solutions (when he's had a chance to calm down).

However, one problem that keeps coming up are situations where he's getting hurt just through general play e.g. he may get shoved as people are rushing past him. He then gets very angry that he's been hurt by his friends and thinks of it as a deliberate act. I've tried explaining that it was probably an accident but this ends up with him shouting at me that X deliberately hurt him. Does anybody have any ideas. I think part of the problem is that he sees things as very black and white with no in-between i.e. he sees it as he got hurt by X and therefore X must be told off. He usually ends up shouting at his friends and sometimes (probably most of the time) hits them back and then he gets into trouble.

Does anybody have any ideas on how I can go about helping him tackle this problem?

I'm a lunchtime controller and I see similar happening in the playground.

When children have come to me to complain of it I have tried out several strategies. One is to gather the group and talk to them about playing sensibly and not leaving anyone out of the game. I have also had chats with the child who does seem to get in the middle of it most often (he does have some issues). Firstly i would do reflective listening to try and empathise with how he is feeling (you are feeling very cross, i think you feel it's unfair...) and explain about not letting them see it bothers them to stop the others winding him up. This lad I am thinking of also needs to learn to be more sporting (he avoids taking his turn as "it" which causes him problems).

I am not totally sure the others are winding him up but I suspect it, either way he bites everytime and I am aiming to get him to handle it better. Really tricky and I will be watching this thread for ideas.

That's quite interesting. ds always tries to go on his ds when he is feeling angry but our main punishment for his rude and aggressive behaviour is confiscation of his consoles. I've been trying to ease up on this rule and confiscate TV time instead just because it seems to give him an outlet for his aggression.

Grants that's utter crap.

Women and girls have JUST as many frustrations as men....boys are not naturally violent, society teaches them that violence and physical outbursts are what "boys and men do" JUST as society teaches girls that they should speak in quieter voices, not be funny and not be silly and be polite no matter what.

OP...your boy could be going towards puberty I do agree with that and it's possibly some hormonal action that's upsetting him. I wonder if a martial art could help him to channel his feelings more? It's helped many children with concentration in my experience.

Aimum, I wonder if that could have opposite to the desired effect. I found when DS1's aggression was at it's worst, Wii
/PC cames (even non-aggressive one) made things a whole lot worse. The term when I banned the lot, except at weekends was far calmer.

Even now, when generally the issue seems to have passed, if he spends more than 1 hour in front of a screen (hand held or not) there will be a marked deterioration I his behaviour towards his brother.

As a muj of an 8 yr old boy, and a 10 yr old boy, I would say that really it should be rare to get hurt "by accident". They get hurt falling ver, sometimes, but even then it can be because of tripping up.

It may well be that other kids "accidentally" hurt him as they like his reaction (groups of boys sometimes enjoy winding someone up).

I think it is important for your son that you listen to him, and believe him. But then also clarify that as soon as he retaliates, it is HIM who is in the wrong as well.

My 10 year old has a strong temper, I find the key is to listen to him, and ask him about school, playground stuff. The other thing is to say that your sympathy goes if he retaliates. And another thing I find great for kids this age is sports, especially martial arts. My boys do judo, and it is all about control and respect, and basically how pushing and pulling in a controlled environment ( judo lessons) is great, but to never use it in real life ( playground). Also, the judo seems to help them get aggression out of their system. It seems to be good for self esteem as well.

I would give the same advice for girls, I am a big fan of martial arts!

Treadonthecracks, yes, what you call reflective listening, that is exacyly what I do ( " Wow, I bet you feel that is unfair. That must be upsetting etc."). I noticed my son desperately wanted to feel listened to. He had to spell this out to me when he was 9! always room to learn for parents...

Chandon, they do get hurt by accident, knocks, brushes, bumps and scrapes if they are playing running games in the playground. (I am a lunch time supervisor) Most of them brush it off - it's very minor. If they want to play those games it will happen, at that very minor level.

I totally agree about the "reaction"

I have a 6yo DS and am looking for a martial arts class which happens at a weekend. I was scared at first but I think it will do him good, especially as he's not athletic rubbish at football.

Chandon I work very hard not to provide a solution too, just listen.

I aim to treat them all as I would want my DCs treated, but sometimes I am just at a loss to help.

Sometimes you can just see the child relax as you listen, not every time, but often enough.

I'm sorry if this has already been suggested but have you considered getting your child tested for autism? My son demonstrated much the same behaviour and he is Aspergers.

Hoaz, I really don't know about the console stuff. We've always confiscated consoles, thinking they makes his behaviour worse. However, a few weeks ago I ended up confiscating the TV instead because I got fed up of the constant bickering over what to watch. After the first day or 2, where he complained he was bored, his behaviour did improve and playing on consoles didn't seem to make it worse. He is limited in the time he spends on them though and he's only allowed age-appropriate games (Lego games, Pokemon, Mario, Prof Leyton etc...).

We do a lot of sports including martial arts although we're debating whether we should drop weekend sports because some of his school friends are on the same teams and I wonder if they need a bit of space. I'm reluctant to do this though because I think its important to have the exercise routine and I know we'll end up sat in the house watching TV instead.

TreadontheCracks, I don't envy you doing your job. It must be so difficult to sort out these kind of problems especially when you don't see the events actually happening.

mrs mushroom not total crap at all, based on experience, expressing anger and frustration and violence are two completely different things that my children are fully aware of, because I have taught them so. I did not say that boys are naturally violent - you are totally missing the point. I don't see anywhere society teaching my sons to be violent? Hitting a punchbag and booting a football is not violence. They do not go round school hitting or punching people which would be an act of agressions and/or violence.

You seem to have violence and physicality penned as the same thing. Perhaps because society teaches men that anything pyschical is wrong and not to address it or express it correctly, so it spills over into the violence you seem so aware of? I have never been aware of being told I must always be polite, not be silly of speak in a quiet voice, neither have any of the little girls I know. Not sure where you get this from and what matters is experience of those on MN not sweeping misconceptions or generalisations. I have three sons so I think can have some idea of this subject and posted in context.

They become intensely insecure about their social position at this age, ime.

DS has always been bad tempered in all places with all people at all times at all ages, so I don't really connect with most of this (am on the road to an ODD diagnosis instead, maybe). But it seems likely to me that this is the age when they are most tribal and horrid to each other socially.

Grants, I totally get what you mean.

I grew up with brothers, and now have sons, and I, and they, know the difference between agression/violence, and being physical.

To be fair, I need my exervise too, but it seems the boys' need for a runaround or an occasional friendly wrestling match is even greater than mine. They know the difference between play fighting and agression. Frowning upon any kind of wrestling or playfighting, or calling it aggression is silly imo, and a bit sad for boys.

Sorry for hijack, I'm having trouble with my nearly 9yo too.

Always had a volatile temper. Very shouty. Difficult at home since he was 5.

I asked school to refer him to educational psychologist but said they couldn't possibly, especially since he is "a high achiever". He is not a high achiever, very average.

Parent pulled her car over today and complain that my 8yo pushed her 5yo over (fair enough). I apologised, said I would tell him off, asked her to please complain to the school so that they can put procedures into place to prevent it. This isn't first time I've heard of DS being thuggish (parents and children complain a lot). I tell him off every time. And tell the others parents/children to tell school staff.

Today DS said he was egged on by other children to push the 5yo over. I think maybe the others laugh when he is rough so that is his encouragement to continue. DS has no friends (long story of my failed efforts to change that).

School will do nothing.
GP says she can do nothing.
I don't know if I need to start punishing for every alleged rough incident, regardless of possible mitigating circumstances or any explanation or excuse DS tries to offer.

Ideas?

Bidi, rather than focus on punishments could you set him up to earn rewards for good behaviour all day? Earn his screen time, bed time story? What does he like best?

You sound like you are quite firm and would not have a problem sticking to it. I.e. if he pushes a child over (or whatever) he has not earnt his screen time.

Watching thread with interest for other ideas.

Bidi, that sounds difficult.

Could you afford an Ed Psych assessment yourself? or even better, could you take DS to the GP ( or go alone) with worries about behavioral issues? It could be ADHD, aspergers, or something else after all.

The school won't test him as it costs them money. A lot.I know two severely autistic children whose parents had to sue to LEA as the school refused to even statement them. Schools have their own agendas.

You have to kick up a bit of a stink before schools act ( there are brilliant schools, obviously, this is just based on my own experiences and that of friends).

At home, have chats with him to try and understand where this behaviour comes from. Keep talking. And at the school, fight your corner.

Also, ask for a meeting with school SENCO to discuss if your child may need a social emotional IEP.

No need to go in guns blazing, but approach the schoolwith an attitude of " how can we sort this behaviour out together" would be my advice.

I think we all need a support thread for mums of 9 yr old boys!

more problems with ds at school today, he got into a bit of a scuffle at lunch time so lost some privileges as a result and spent an hour sitting in the corner of class sulking and crying.

they had to ring oh to go in and sort him out.

What do you all do when your ds's refuse to accept their punishment. His behaviour started this morning in response to one of his siblings scribbling on his bit of paper so he scrunched up brothers paper followed by lots of fighting. Consequences were handed out (removal of screen time tonight). After school we had trip to the park where he kept running away and hiding until I eventually brought him home and sent him to his room because he wanted to be on his own (and because I was so fed up of him). The running away was because I wouldn't let him have screen time and he felt I should remove a favourite toy from his sibling. Of course, he wouldn't stay in his room and kept coming down to demand I remove a toy from his sibling. I have now ended up removing all screen time for a week (TV and games consoles) and confiscated his torch and remote control for his CD-player.

I know his behaviour is all because he felt he was treated unfairly.We're now in the position where his unsafe behaviour in the park (I had no idea where he was for about 15 minutes at 1 point) was punished by a weeks removal of consoles but he thinks its all his brothers fault. I'm going to chat with him tomorrow after he's had a good sleep and try some reflective listening stuff but how would you all deal with this.

We do normally try to reward positive but his behaviour was appalling - he's not normally this bad and will usually listen to me (although I may have to start counting 3-2-1) hence the reason I didn't leave the first time he ran and hid.

Hothead, what's PDA strategy please?

Was just about to write a remarkably similar post to OP. 9yo DS went ballistic today, started throwing himself on the floor, punched me, kicked the buggy, threw stones etc... all because I said we couldn't go to the park after school.

aimum, goodness me, you could be describing my DS, I feel for you cos I know just what you mean. I don't know what to do about it either but I do at least feel a little reassured that I'm not the only one. I get the demands that siblings are punished too. I try hard to understand his psychology and to work out what he's feeling but at times it seems there's no logic to it.

Think I might put up another post specifically re: violence towards me as that's in creased recently and is something that can't go on.

I think in our case, todays anger was obviously related to jealousy towards his brother. Luckily he hasn't been violent to me YET but he had a bit of a tantrum last week where I could see him thinking whether to hit out at me. I told him to that it was completely unacceptable and if he felt the need to hit, then he could hit his pillow. He burst into tears instead! I'm hoping this blip is just a testosterone surge and that it will calm down again soon but its so hard to remain calm though it when I can see him struggling with his emotions.