Trying to sort out the 'little things' that could attract bullying

[Sluginthejam]

My 9 yo dd has been coming home complaining about two girls in her class. She has had poor speech, but whilst much better now, it still isn't perfect, especially when she's excited or stressed. I also suspect she may have aspergers, but never quite fits the profiles I've read about, and the school has never mentioned anything apart from her speech.

These two girls have, according to her, been mocking her, told her she's weird and not cool, says the things she likes are babyish ( they're not, but the one girl does have stuff which i dont want my dd to have yet. ie high heels, bras etc . They've told her she's irritating and annoying, and to go away.

The problem is, it's a small school - less than 10 kids in their year, and these girls have been playing with my dd's best friend, so my dd is feeling very isolated.

Without wanting to emphasise her 'quirkiness', I want to make sure we try and control as many of the common things kids will pick on, eg, hygiene, manners etc, so any ideas of what else to subtly target?

I work hard to help my Dd3 fit in too and so do the SN team at her school.

We have spent alot of time working on greeting people socially, she has never said Hello or goodbye without being prompted and that makes her stand out with her peer group and their parents.

Teaching her to do this will not change who she is but it might help her to fit in socially and not appear rude and aloof.

Tbh, getting the dignosis has been a very positive step forward for us.

I see what you're saying Ineed . Maybe I judged the OP a bit harshly, sorry if I caused you any upset OP, you're obviously having a hard time.

All about balance isn't it?

Sorry again.

Thank you all. I'll find out what her teachers feel with regards to SNs, and will keep going with practicing social skills. She has seemed a lot happier since she has talked about what has been going on, and I guess the next step is to see how the school handles the situation.

That's ok, holyfool. I feel that ideally what you say would be correct, and she shouldn't need to change. However if things are happier for her if she conforms, then that would possibly give a better outcome.

I am confident that she knows I love her unconditionally, I just want to make her life easier.

Slug, I can tell you love her unconditionally so she definitely knows.

Having social skills is a lot more important to avoid bullying than having the right schoolbag or a bra. Given that your DD has asked for more therapy, you could go along to the GP and mention your concerns, and also perhaps to the speech therapist, as part of deciding what kind of therapy would be most useful for her now. Some speech and language therapists deal with social skills and with other aspects of language like when to talk and what to say, and non-verbal things like eye contact and body language, therapies which are helpful for kids with Asperger?s as well as many others.

I have two DDs with AS and I've come to the conclusion that it's not my job to help them fit in.

It's my job to (very sensitively) help them to understand how others may perceive their behaviour, conversation and how they present themselves.

It's their job to decide whether they would like to change and try to fit in or to carry on doing what make them feel comfortable. I back them to the hilt whatever they decide.

Having a dx helped my DD immensely. She said it helped her feel that she wasn't just strange and that, having spent all her life feeling left out she now belonged to a group of people like he who she understood. She found it a big relief.

Hi Slug Sorry to read your 9yo having a difficult time.

Like other posters, I would definitely raise the issue with the school as they need to be made aware so they can keep a look out and actively tackle things if needed.

One of my DD's needs her confidence building. I've been reading about 'One Page Profiles' which I think sound like a great idea for self-esteem (also useful for child-centred learning).

This link sums it all up really well:
sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/one/

Some blurb on this page:
(Especially please see the short film at the very bottom of the page)
www.personalisingeducation.org/

More info on these pages:
www.personalisingeducation.org/one-page-profiles/
www.personalisingeducation.org/category/examples-of-one-page-profiles/

The film explains a lot. The profiles look really interesting. Simple, but seem like a great idea.

Media coverage:
www.guardian.co.uk/teacher-network/teacher-blog/2012/nov/28/school-personalised-learning-system-one-page-profile?CMP=twt_gu

I gave the info to my DD's school. I thought even if they didn't do it, perhaps I'd do it at home. But brilliantly the school have said they're going to do it! Perhaps your DD's school would too? It might be a helpful exercise and experience for all? Best wishes and I hope she has a happy time this year.

Thanks very much sipper. I'll look through those. I have contacted the school, and am waiting to see their response.

I love those one page profiles, I might introduce them at work to help with the transition process.

Dd3 has something similar in place at school , hers is called a passport. It has relevant info in the same as the profile.

It has helped her to feel more confident when working with teachers who dont know her well.